NotNews

BULLINGDON, London SE1, Friday (NNN) — Boris Johnson is set to become the first Sheriff of London when the Conservatives are finally elected, any day now.

The move follows his dashing rescue of a distressed maiden earlier this month. “The armour was a bit heavy. This kit’s a lot lighter. I like the hat and the tin star.”

However, Labour MPs warned against “creeping politicisation” of the nation’s police forces. “Just imagine if the police only did what the government told them. You’d have them beating up people without a care, arresting opposition MPs and … I’m sorry, I’ll start again.”

The Tories denied that politicians would be able to influence day-to-day operations. Shadow home secretary Chris Grayling insisted that new laws would stop elected commissioners interfering in operational police decisions. “We’ll ask them to be very nice about it before they summarily fire them. I’m sure Boris would never do anything like that. Again.”

Mr Grayling hailed Boris Johnson as the “pathfinder” for the reforms. “Boris is the sort of sure-footed, confident and competent fellow we want leading a controversial new initiative. (Dave, are you quite sure about this bit?)”

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