Sep 16 2008
Windows $NEXT_VERSION will floor all comers
Guest post by Mary-Jo Enderle
BORG CUBE, RedMonk, Tuesday (NNGadget) — I have seen the future: Windows $NEXT_VERSION Milestone $MOCKUP.
I tried it on a low-end laptop with four Core 2 Duo chips and only 8 gig of memory, and trust me: $NEXT_VERSION is shaping up to be one heck of a product.
WordPad and Paint have seen major overhauls to their user interfaces. Forget the freetards and their “distros” full of all sorts of useless shovelware like “FireFox” and “OpenOffice” and, haha, “GIMP”! — the bundled software with Windows $NEXT_VERSION is clear, simple, sparse and to-the-point. The much-loved Ribbon user interface from Office 2007 is now part of WordPad and Paint!
The controversial Digital Rights Management system in Vista has been worked over, with user-downloadable “tilt bits,” which you can configure to your own liking. It’ll require every user to supply a blood sample for DNA analysis, and the beta nearly took my finger off, but of course that’s only if you want to play premium content. The Blu-Ray™ of Battlefield Earth was unbelievable on this operating system.
A public beta should be released by the end of this year. There’s just no way that Steve “Trains Run On Time” Ballmer will miss the Christmas deadline. The final release should leave the midnight queues on Vista release day — the street riots, the water cannons, the rubber bullets — in the shade.
I am so excited about $NEXT_VERSION of Windows. It will go beyond just solving all of the problems with $CURRENT_VERSION, it will be an entirely new paradigm. Forget about security problems, those are all fixed in $NEXT_VERSION. And they’re finally ridding themselves of $ANCIENT_LEGACY_STUFF.
Also, there’ll be $DATABASE_FILESYSTEM. It’ll be awesome!
I wonder how $NEXT_VERSION will compare to $NEXT_NEXT_VERSION.
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Hah, hah! This is classic.
Anything that can make Battlefield Earth good is amazing in my book.
@happycolour - how about Fountainhead Earth? John Travolta as Dilbert, Forest Whitaker as Wally!
Before you get going TOO much and enlighten the world as to how everything is actually WRONG with Microsoft (sure, they’ve made mistakes but yours would be “blatant,” too, if your flagship product was leveraged by the same percentage Microsoft’s is), I’m sure some of your close friends and family are comprised of some of the very same types of people you’re off-colorly implying are idiots for paying to use Microsoft’s software. I realize their opinions mean nothing to you since your methods reign supreme, but whatever floats your boat.
How about this for you: Do you think the people largely affected by Microsoft’s VAST security holes are people who could just go pop in any “flavor of the month” freeware OS or application and go to town without getting frustrated? No. Walmart tried that with Lycoris Desktop, Dell’s trying it with Ubuntu. Next?
I think it’s great that your freeware solutions are the end all, be all for you and I agree that there are some WONDERFUL freeware alternatives out there (definitely not knocking freeware here), but did it ever occur to you that there are people out there who still use Windows even AFTER trying just about every flavor of OS out there? I know… let’s give your average schmoe Slackware! GENIUS, GENIUS, GENIUS!
…then again, perhaps people should just go buy a Mac; just different enough to label themselves as such: “Look at me! iMcheeky! iMclever! iPaidwaytoomuch but iDontcare because iMdifferent! WEEEE!”
My point is, Windows isn’t just some old hat OS chock-full of security issues and every flaw under the sun. That’s not to say it doesn’t have it’s issues (especially performance in Vista pre-SP1), but come on. The anonymity and small user base for whichever freeware OS you herald is only admissible in these debates but so far. If you want to talk Server OS, then we’ll give a little more weight to Redhat vs. Windows Server, but when it comes to client, there comes a point where even someone like you should stop and take the time to realize how fanatical you appear for what you stand for. If you think the people who use Windows get annoying… lol. Anyway.
Oh, I mean… nice write-up. All Windows users are stupid. They don’t know about freeware. ha. Real witty. Yeah, good points. Never heard those ones before…
Bueller… Bueller… ;)
@Stephen - certainly, I’m writing this message on Windows ;-) It was more my annoyance at Microsoft’s unrelenting, every-release vapourware. The above story is the exact same story I’ve seen in the computer press every year since 1994!
Vista is very pretty (a 3D desktop is the only way to live), it’s got very good ideas in it (and some unremittingly awful ones) and it’s fat, slow and clunky. Windows 7 will undoubtedly be a much better Vista Second Edition - still fat, but working a lot better. But the press reports touting improvements in WordPad and Paint are just begging for something like the above.
@Stephen - Geeez buddy, chill out. This is parody at it’s finest. You probably didn’t care about his reference to cat-piss-smelling Linux users and vain Apple users did ya? I sure as heck didn’t. Calm down and laugh at the rest of the world instead of trying to defend it. You’ll feel much better.
@Stephen - You may be right in some points, but please, please, please, for the sake of users and programmers, do not refer to Open Source and Free Software as Freeware. Open Source implies the source code is given, but it can be free (as in free beer) or you can pay for it. Free software, in the other hand, means you can do anything with it (as in freedom of speech). Freeware is just gratis software, closed source usually. All GNU/Linux distros are open source, but not all are gratis. If you really care to know more check http://www.linfo.org/freeware.html .
Great post by the way! :D
Absolutely. There’s Free as in Beer, and there’s Free as in Freetard.
(this one typed on Ubuntu)
Not that there’s anything wrong with free beer, though. No one ever imagined Homer dreaming “Hmmmm, free software… arhhh..” :B
Where is the free beer? Do we have to sign up for it or do we just show up like a Moscow 1980’s toilet paper giveaway?
Um, people that use microsoft products ARE idiots.
Chris is funny!
http://waxingpoetically.today.com
http://artfromtheoutskirts.today.com
“@Stephen - Geeez buddy, chill out. This is parody at it’s finest… Calm down and laugh at the rest of the world instead of trying to defend it.”
Actually, apologists get paid do defend at any cost to reality, hence the over-verbosity and contrived twist to make the readers misinterpret this article as an attack on the users rather than MS’s management.
“You’ll feel much better.”
Actually, no, because then Stephen won’t get paid and will have to get a real job.
@tuna - now, now. Assume good faith! (Which is a nicer restatement of Hanlon’s Razor, but anyway.)
I can see the difference… Geeks know the “$” symbol is used to mock macro/variable names and see the fun, while your average John Q. User sees the dollar sign all over the place and thinks the author an anti-capitalist un-American Freetard ;)
What I’m trying to say is there’s a gap between geek and non-geek perceptions of the same thing. That makes many misunderstandings and perhaps flames.
@davidgerard, great article, thanks for the laughs!
@Stephen, get a proper job, you gamer!