News of the News

2ND FLOOR, 25 Gordon Street, Friday (NNN) — Researchers from University College, London have found that light drinking during pregnancy does no harm to the baby. This contradict NHS advice in recent years that expectant mothers who look at a glass of wine will have a child with two heads, no head, extra arms or a tail or who risks sleeping with Russell Brand.

“It has to be the good stuff,” said Dr Yvonne Kelly. “Merlot does well. A real ale child will be a beardy geek, though with a shorter beard if a girl. Vodka and smoke machines induce Georgina Baillie. Carling causes what we used to call ‘foetal alcohol syndrome’ but is actually just perfectly normal blithering stupidity and ugliness. Dom Perignon will produce an obnoxious braying lackwit and may explain Otis Ferry.”

Pregnant women across the land told the researchers to shut up and get out the bloody way as they bloody needed a drink bloody now and waddled off to the pub.

The Department of Health still maintains that avoiding alcohol altogether is the safest option during pregnancy. “We firmly believe that the female of the species should be assumed to be far too foolish to sensibly moderate its own behaviour,” said Sir Liam Donaldson, “and anyway, our arses are covered if we can blame the patient.”

Newspaper proprietors were most pleased to be able to run even more pictures of large breasts on apparently serious news stories, as long as there was a large belly in there too. Or not, if they couldn’t find a file photo in time.

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NOME TROPICANA, Drinks Are Free, Long Hot Summer (NotScientist) — Scientists say they now have conclusive proof that global warming is due to man’s influence.

The man in question is Bob Mongler, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. Rapid and significant warming in both the Antarctic and Arctic can only have been caused by Bob’s influence, says the report in Nature Geoscience. Bob is the cause of significant warming over both polar regions since 2000.

Greenhouse gases from Bob are the main driver of the change, along with Friday night curries, chemicals and particles of Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand. He also drives a 4×4, reads the Daily Mail and drinks Stella.

“We tried large simulations of natural climate change to see if we could obtain the same results,” said Dr Peter Stott of the Met Office, “but it couldn’t be done. It is only when you factor in this thoughtless prat’s influence that you achieve these results. With Bob’s influence the findings are consistent and predictable. Without it they are not.”

“It’s not clear what we can do about this wanker,” said Dr Nathan Gillett of the University of East Anglia. “His wife is actually worse, you know.” Mr Mongler mumbled something about asylum seekers and political correctness gone mad.

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TELEVISION CENTRE, W12, Tuesday (NNN) — National outrage was sparked by a moment’s idiocy on the part of Jonathan Woss and Wussell Bwand a few weeks ago when the newspapers ran out of stories about Big Brother contestants, skateboarding ducks and what your breasts mean to fill the spaces between pronouncements of economic doom.

The incident occurred when, in a terrible lapse of judgement, a radio producer let Mr Ross and Mr Brand behave on-air in the manner they had been hired to. It is understood that Brand made the slanderous suggestion that he had in fact managed to get it up at least once whilst going out with Georgina Baillie.

“I am mortified,” said Ms Baillie, “at the number of half-page photos of my smile and cleavage in the papers and the many impending offers of work. Just mortified.”

The BBC has suspended the two presenters for embarrassing director general Mark Thompson.

“In these dark, Maddie-free days,” thundered all papers, “this sort of obscenity against a member of the Satanic Sluts cannot be countenanced. Suspension is hardly sufficient. The British sense of justice and fair play will not be satisfied until they are castrated by a baying crowd, pursued through the street on horseback with dogs, hanged by the neck outside White City until dead and their foul corpses left there to fester for at least a month. We pay our licence fees!”

“I denounce these despicable demagogues of dull-wittedness, whoever they are,” thundered Gordon Brown, with a Prime Minister’s sense of what it means when Luscious Lucy, 19, of Sheppey comments on a public issue from her editorial column on page three of The Sun. David Cameron blamed ten years’ financial ineptitude from Labour and vowed that the Tories would be tough on Brand and tough on the causes of Brand.

Chancellor Alistair Darling counseled caution, however, warning that the credit crunch would almost certainly lead to difficulty in securing sufficient teapots for a really good tempest.

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YOUNG ADUWTS, Nozin’ Around, Monday (NNGadget) — A new generation of “online hoodies” is wreaking havoc in cyberspace, Internet security touts are warning.

The hackers, some as young as 12, begin by breaking into newspaper production systems and replacing news of substance with ridiculous headlines such as “Scientists discover breasts cause cancer,” “Sexism confirmed by evolutionary biologists,” “Sarah Palin exists” or “Online hoodies stalking the web” in an attempt to outrage people into clicking on them.

When they do, the ridiculous message promptly causes a buffer overload in the reader’s brain, filling it with an overflow of nonsense and causing them to think such ideas are reasonable, sane and even interesting. In the final stages of an infection, the victim clicks repeatedly on TMZ, hoping for upskirt shots of Britney Spears or Paris Hilton.

Hacker “wins” of late have included breaking into the Republican National Committee and replacing its phone scripts with patently insane slanders and mudslinging against Barack Obama, and engineering the hilarious placement of an idiot Alaskan redneck as a Vice-Presidential candidate.

“We need them out on the streets,” said Kevin Hogan of Symantec, “using their energy and practicing their running, route-planning and knife skills, not sitting at home getting obese.”

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Federal agents have broken up an incredibly stupid plot by two neo-Nazi idiots to assassinate Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama and shoot or decapitate 102 black people, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco Firearms, Explosives, Tequila, Other Cool Shit That Goes “BANG” And Other Great Ideas That Go Together Really Well said Monday.

The morons, Daniel Cowart, 20, and Paul Schlesselman, 18, had planned to rob a gun store (“a black-run store should be a pushover for superior white people,” one of them had written on the White Nationalist Wiki) and target a predominantly African-American high school in a murder spree that was to begin in Tennessee. They had planned to shoot 88 black people (“88” standing for “Hey, Hussein!”) and decapitate another 14 (from the 14-word phrase “we must secure the existence of drooling subnormals and a future for white slackjaws”).

The incompetents were caught when driving around loudly discussing a White Power murder plot, their car sporting a swastika in window chalk and other race hate symbols, this striking them as a good way to avoid the attention of the authorities. And a MySpace page loaded with pictures of guns.

The dumbasses had been hampered in their plans by having been out of work for three months, having been targeted by the Jewish financial conspiracy.

In a statement today, Mr Obama said that his leadership of the Zionist Occupation Government of the Judaic North American Territories would ensure a better future for all Americans, except mouth-breathing white supremacists with family trees resembling briar bushes.

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OMG, Onoez, Sunday (NNN) — A report by the US Army 304th Military Intelligence Battalion identifies Internet technologies such as Twitter as potential TERRORIST tools.

Twitter users reported the July Los Angeles earthquake faster than news outlets, and TERRORISTS protesting at the Republican National Convention in Minneapolis used it to provide information on police movements.

Other technologies were also examined for their TERRORIST uses. “Email could be used for TERRORIST messages, the anonymous troll comments on Slashdot could be used for TERRORIST data exchange and GPS trackers could be used to find our asses. We are also examining the dangers of YouTube pratfall videos, cat macros, pencils and paper and carefully modulated flatulence. Extra funding has been allocated for research into TERRORIST messages on MP3 and pornographic websites and BitTorrent tracker lists.

“There is terrible, terrible danger that if people can communicate they may say something TERRORIST,” said the report. “As such, our forces are securing the offices of Twitter with the aim of trying its financial backers for funding TERRORISM. We only hope our plans are not—”

The report cut off at this point, replaced by a Fail Whale.

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LYNCHBURG, Pennsylvania, Friday (NNN) — A Republican campaign volunteer in Pittsburgh was mugged on Wednesday by a 6′4″ black man after he saw her “McCain” bumper sticker. The attacker carved a backward ‘B’ on her face and gave her a black eye made of mascara.

“A giant scary Negro left-handed oddly dexterous and precise dyslexic mugger!” said Ashley Todd, 20. “He was shouting angry racial slogans like ‘change’ and ‘audacity of hope’ and ‘yes we can.’ He was precisely six-four, ’cause if he’d been six-three I’d have kicked his ass.”

In police questioning, Ms Todd confirmed that “the attacker was super-duper-ultra-extra black. I think he was Muslim, gay and married too.”

After admitting to police that the incident failed to meet the criteria of the reality-based community, Ms Todd has been taken into mental health care. However, true to her Republican ideals, she is paying for it out of her own pocket, rather than using taxpayer money.

“Jesus, Karl,” said Aaron Sorkin, “if I tried sending this shit in I’d get laughed out of the studio.”

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GLASS CRATER, Wall Street, Thursday (NNN) — The former Federal Reserve chairman, Alan Greenspan, has conceded that the global financial crisis has exposed a “mistake” in the free market ideology which guided his 18-year stewardship of US monetary policy.

“I’m in shocked disbelief,” said Greenspan, 82. “When you set up the market so it rewards sociopathically greedy short-term behavior, you end up with lunatic fraudsters playing the system so hard they break it. Who’da thunk?”

The US treasury secretary, Henry Paulson, admitted he ought to have anticipated a meltdown in the US mortgage industry, considering he was working at a company furiously pushing sub-prime mortgages. “I’m not saying I would have done anything differently,” he added, leaving people wondering quite what his point was.

“I’m very troubled by all this,” said Greenspan. “I’ll have to go back and reread Fountainhead Earth until the doubt calms. I don’t understand where Ayn Rand led me astray.

“But I did discover a new book last week. Have you heard of it? Dianetics. Absolutely fascinating.”

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WELL I NEVER, See I Told You, Morning Commuter Time (NNN) — British scientists have uncovered why little girls like pink toys. “Women are hardwired to like pink,” says Professor Gene Hunt of the University of Metro, “because their cavewoman foremothers spent their days gathering red leaves and berries amongst the trees.” Later, women needed to notice red-faced babies and blushing boyfriends. Men are attracted to blue because of the colour of the sky as seen when hunting.

Women are also predisposed to backstab one another in the workplace and cry in the boardroom, just like the social structures in the cave population as extrapolated from two bone needles. Being too successful will increase women’s testosterone, giving them hairy nipples and male-pattern baldness. Females joining the hunt may also explain the end of the Neanderthals.

IQ test studies show that women have lower IQs on average than men, undoubtedly from lesser need for environmental variation while taking care of the cave. Tests on little boys prove that testosterone correlates with a sense of humour, so women are naturally more humorless than men. Housework has been shown to cut the risk of several fatal diseases, and dressing up nicely around the house is psychologically healthy as it uses the Homo erectus clan maintenance abilities of the female of the tribe.

Men are naturally predisposed to sleep with as many women as possible, as proven by lions, whereas women are naturally predisposed to stay loyal to their man and their spawn. Women who sleep around are at increased risk of parasites and death, as proven by cheetahs, who are a pack of catty sluts.

In a final crowning achievement, the team has shown that daily fellatio greatly reduces the incidence of breast cancer. Furthermore, regular sexual intercourse is essential to feminine health, but may be injurious if prolonged for more than two minutes or conducted while the man is sober.

“In conclusion,” says Professor Hunt, “all of this is top-notch science that you can absolutely rely on. Now get your knickers back on and make me a cuppa.”

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MAN ON FIVE, Cook County, Monday (NNN) — The McCain campaign is looking at an Electoral College strategy heading into the final two weeks that has virtually no room for error.

“Democrat voting fraud is famous since Tammany Hall,” says Republican strategist Karl Rove. “So we’ll win without votes.”

Voting machines have been remotely reset and the counts adjusted. “Diebold have come to the party big time.” Touch screen machines for West Virginia early voting offer voters “McCAIN” or “REPLY HAZY, TRY AGAIN LATER.”

The rolls will be thoroughly checked for voter fraud. “If the typeface or font size is different on their driver’s licence, Social Security or the voter roll, that’s obvious blatant fraud. A typical Liberal knife to the heart of democracy.”

The party will check for dead voters as well. “We’re making the safe assumption that all registered Democrats are dead. If they’re not, we’ll correct that.” Governor Palin has long dealt with Democrat moose in Alaska. “You betcha!”

All residents of properties whose mortgages were underwritten by Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac will be assumed to have voted Republican. “We own the houses, of course we own the votes. It’s nonsense to say otherwise.”

Finally, under USA-PATRIOT, Obama supporters will be deemed associates of associates of terrorists. The offence will carry a penalty of one day’s imprisonment: November 4th.

Mr Rove is confident in the future of our democracy. “One man, one vote. That man being me.”

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REDMOND, Indian Ocean, Tuesday — Microsoft has announced that today is “Global Anti-Piracy Day,” with the aim to raise awareness of the damage to software innovation caused by robbery and murder on the high seas.

“Robbery, rape and brutal murder at sea is just like people copying that floppy,” sobbed billionaire Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer. “You wouldn’t steal a patented software process, why would you steal a cargo ship?”

Piracy off the coast of Somalia has made these the most dangerous waters for software development in the world. The pirates use hacked zombie PCs, sometimes impounding codebases and programming staff at the point of their Heckler & Koch MP3s and demanding warez before they are released.

A famous attack late last year against one open source operating system was foiled when the crew scared the pirates off with the Righteous Mathematical Stentor, an ear-splitting acoustic device developed in Massachusetts as a “non-lethal” free software advocacy weapon.

Somali clan leaders have agreed to end over two decades of Unix wars in the country and have made attempts to address the piracy problem. But the tremendous lawlessness off the long eastern Somali coastline reflects the difficulty of controlling the flow of information on the Internet.

In one breakthrough, pirate chiefs have resolved that they will never pirate Windows Vista or Office 2007. “Not even with your dick.”

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CYBERSPICE, Brass Eye, Monday (NNN) — The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children, a leading charity promoting the cause of itself, has released a survey showing that nearly 75 percent of kids in UK have been disturbed by images they saw on the Internet.

“Children are just a few clicks away from innocently stumbling across upsetting or even dangerous pictures and films,” said NSPCC policy advisor Zoe Hilton, “such as NSPCC telly ads about how your parents are going to punch the shit out of you, or documentaries of NSPCC claims that satanic ritual abuse existed. And also, give us money or you’re a paedo. Paedo. Paedo. Paeeee-do.”

Ms Hilton also stressed the need for manufacturers to incorporate advanced parental controls and protection mechanisms in computers. “Children can best be protected by installing a meter that takes 20p per page viewed and sends the money to the NSPCC. Or you might as well be raping and killing them yourself. You sickening shitbag.”

Ms Hilton added that video hosting and social networking sites should monitor content posted on their sites and remove all offensive material immediately. “That this is impossible to enforce worldwide means we’ll just have to keep demanding it and sending out press releases asking for money. You filthy bastards, molesting children through their eyes. You vile noncey fuckers should be lynched. But bung us twenty quid and we’ll say no more, eh.”

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BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Redmond, Sunday (NNGadget) — Microsoft today announced the release of version 2.0 of its world-beating Silverlight multimedia platform for the Web. As a replacement for Adobe’s Flash, it is widely considered utterly superfluous and of no interest to anyone who could be found.

“We have a fabulous selection of content partners for Silverlight,” announced Microsoft marketer Scott Guthrie on his blog today. “NBC for the Olympics, which delivered millions of new users to BitTorrent. The Democrat National Convention, which is fine because those Linux users are all Ron Paul weirdos anyway. It comes with rich frameworks, rich controls, rich networking support, a rich base class library, rich media support, oh God kill me now. My options are underwater, my resumé’s a car crash, Google won’t call me back. My life is an exercise in futility. I’m the walking dead, man. The walking dead.”

Silverlight was created by Microsoft to leverage its desktop monopoly on Windows, to work off the tremendous sales and popularity of Vista. Flash is present on a pathetic 96% of all computers connected to the Internet, whereas Silverlight downloads are into the triple figures.

“But it’s got DRM!” cried Guthrie. “Netflix loved it! And web developers love us too, after all we did for them with IE 6. Wait, come back! We’ll put porn on it! Free porn!”

Similar Microsoft initiatives include its XPS replacement for Adobe PDF, its HD Photo replacement for JPEG photographs and its earlier Liquid Motion attempt to replace Flash. Also, that CD-ROM format Vista defaults to which no other computers can read.

In a Microsoft internal security sweep, Guthrie’s own desktop was found to still be running Windows XP.

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PARK HOSPITAL, Bevan, Thursday (NNN) — Mothers-to-be are to be offered gift vouchers and beauty treatments to encourage them to give up smoking, the NHS has announced.

“Simply highlighting the dangers of smoking in pregnancy is not always enough,” said Help 2 Quit director Kevin Lewis. “In one focus group of pregnant smokers, 13 out of 15 women suggested vouchers would be a good incentive to give up. They were quite specific on the selection of shops.”

Smoking in women of fertile age has since risen 25%. “We was gunna go to Lakeside,” said Chardonnay Pleb of Chelmsford, “but they said I’d drawn the second line on my stick. Cheeky cow! Just ’cos their test’s broken. Or I had a spontaneous miscarriage at one week, between my test and their one. Gi’s my fackin’ vouchers!”

The NHS is also considering a voucher scheme as incentive for hospitals to clean sufficiently well that attending will be less hazardous to mothers and babies than smoking would be.

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4 QUADRANT CREATED EARTH, Whitehall, Friday (NNN) — Terrorists are embedding coded messages into child pornographic images and using paedophile websites as a secure way to pass information, according to British security services.

According to MI-5 officer David Icke, no charges of possession of child pornography have been brought against those accused of terrorism “because of … unspecified … security … reasons. Yuh. So it’s vitally important we read your email and put a CCTV camera in your toilet. It’s for your own safety.”

Further revelations show that the terrorists are also linked to investment banking, are responsible for global warming and puked down your shirt last night after you drank that tenth pint that was a bit off. And they were wearing hoodies.

“That’s right!” said Icke. “The terrorists are … Icelandic … Muslim fundamentalists, running the banks in a Muslim financial conspiracy … and they want to start making wine in Iceland so they can … collapse the worldwide alcohol market like they did the banks and make us all non-drinkers. Also, time is actually cubical in nature … No, wait, listen!”

“This is an important development,” said Labour MP Andrew Dismore. “It needs child protection, criminological and psychological work. Also, we need to take DNA swabs of everyone in the country and tattoo a bar code on their heads.”

“This conclusively demonstrates why the current situation is unlike any other situation in history,” said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, “and we need 180 days’ detention without charge. And a pony.”

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PUNDITS’ CORNER, G.W. Bush Sewage Processing Plant, Friday (NNN) — Analysis of the global financial crisis reveals that the root cause is not stupendous bets on toxic deals, raw naked greed, cocaine-induced septicaemia, tertiary syphilis or mad cow disease amongst bankers. It’s because of all the poor people signing up for mortgages.

“It’s true that we got into trouble by bundling mortgage securities that only held their value and made profits so long as enough poor people signed on to get screwed,” said Dick Fold of Lehman Brothers. “But you just don’t understand the intense psychological pull poor people have on rich folks! They can make the world’s hardest, meanest, most ruthless CEOs, who’ve spent years honing the fine arts of profit-making, part with good money on a whim and hand it to a bunch of irresponsible, check-bouncing layabouts!”

America’s 499 billionaires controlled $1.4 trillion in assets, until the poor people caused the catastrophic market failures of the past month.

“It’s lending to minorities that did it,” said Neil Cavuto of Fox News. “You lend to those people, the country collapses. Fwoosh! I understand ACORN was involved in it, too. Which means it’s Obama’s fault. Unsurprisingly. I don’t really understand these ‘credit default swap’ things, but I can tell a bad credit risk just looking at him. Or her, of course — it’s Hillary’s fault too.”

“It ain’t that hard,” explained sub-prime mortgage defaulter Cletus J. Underclass. “Y’got mortgages, they make a stream o’ money. Y’kin call that stream an asset with a value. Y’bundle up them ‘assets.’ Y’bet on that there bundle bein’ good an’ ever’one payin’. Y’bet on that bet bein’ good. Y’sell that bet for trillions o’ bucks an’ make billions in bonuses. Ah spend mah money on Budweiser, NASCAR and good weed this month instead of the mortgage, mah buds do the same, the whole pile falls over, yer all fucked. And AH AIN’T SORRY! Fuck you and yer buds! New York assholes! Whoo-eee! Can’t wait to do it again next time! Y’all come back now!”

“Damn that Cletus and his siren call,” sobbed Fold. “If only he’d call me back.”

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THE NILOPTICON, Whitehall, Thursday (NNN) — The Home Office has moved to calm fears over its new plan to collect every email sent in or out of Britain.

“We’ve been speaking with our PFI contractors,” said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, “and they’ve been speaking with those nice people from Microsoft, and we think we can use something called ‘Digital Rights Management.’ It’s worked perfectly to protect music and software, I can’t see any way this won’t work just as well for us.”

The planned email monitoring system, hooked to your identity card, tax details and complete NHS record, is considered not only potentially intrusive, but hazardous: the government and its contractors have misplaced many disks and memory sticks containing private data. But with DRM, data can only be accessed by authorised users on an authorised system, running the specially hardened operating system Windows Vista Service Pack 1.

Trials of the new system have shown minor hiccups, but nothing to worry about at all, honestly. “When we try to access the data it occasionally says ‘Insert 25¢ to continue’ and we have to remember to keep bags of American coins around. We have asked EDS Capita Goatse for a localised British system that will take 20p pieces and have an attendant to un-bung things when they get stuck, which will take only six months and cost a very reasonable £100 million extra. We also get a year’s free reactivations from their call centre! It looks a very good deal to me.”

The safety and unbreakability of the system is assured. “We tried copying the data in various obvious ways, but the RIAA threatened to sue the Home Office for breaking the DRM on its own data. So obviously no-one will try this ever.”

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TORCHWOOD THREE, Cardiff, Wednesday (NNN) — US Vice-President Dick Cheney is to receive treatment to correct an abnormal heart rhythm, his spokeswoman has said.

Markets would have been shaken at the news that Mr Cheney possessed such an organ had they not been utterly exhausted already.

“During a visit with his mechanic this morning, it was discovered that the vice-president has internal organs similar to those of a human, including one organ that apparently pumps blood,” said his spokeswoman, Megan Mitchell.

“However, we have given him a large supply of cute puppies and fluffy bunnies to bite the heads off, rip apart with his bare hands and so on, and he is on his way to a full recovery.”

The vice-president has been treated for the condition before. In July 2007, he had what was meant to be the last stage of his complete cyberneticization and abolition of the last traces of puny “human” emotion.

“I only hope McCain makes it in on election day so we can finish cyberizing him as well,” said Mr Cheney. “We’ve already replaced his morals with a clockwork mouse mechanism remote-controlled by Karl and have a killer Stepford fembot shadowing him to keep him … on-message.”

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MORDOR, RedMonk, Tuesday (NNGadget) — In a triumph of marketing over marketing, the next version of Windows will be called “Windows.”

“Nuts to you and your ‘Windows $NEXT_VERSION’ jokes,” said Microsoft CEO Steve “Trains Run On Time” Ballmer. “It’s Windows %NEXT_VERSION%, and fuck you! WordPad and Paint will kick your ass.”

Tentative names included Windows Blackcomb, Windows Vienna, WindOS X, Windex, Windows Steak and Blowjobs Edition!!! (which proved in beta testing to be Tofu and Long Querulous Discussion About Where Our Relationship Is Going Edition) and Windows 2007 2008 2009 2010.

A new line of advertisements, made on Apple Macintoshes, is set for 2009:

WINDOWS SE7EN. Overwhelming greed, lust for power, Mac envy, slothful performance, Aero pride, wrath against Samba, spectacular gluttony. WHAT’S IN THE BOX?

Canonical, Inc. shares were up 5% in early trading.

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LINDEN, The Grid, Monday (NNGadget) — Artificial intelligence came a step closer this weekend when a computer came within five percent of passing the Turing Test, which the computer passes if people cannot tell between the computer and a human.

The winning conversation was with competitor LOLBOT:

“Good morning.”
“STFU N00B”
“Er, what?”
“U R SO GAY LOLOLOLOL”
“Do you talk like this to everyone?”
“NO U”
“Sod this, I’m off for a pint.”
“IT’S OVER 9000!!”
…
“Fag.”

The human tester said he couldn’t believe a computer could be so mind-numbingly stupid.

LOLBOT has since been released into the wild to post random abuse, hentai manga and titty shots to 4chan, after having been banned from YouTube for commenting in a perspicacious and on-topic manner.

LOLBOT was also preemptively banned from editing Wikipedia. “We don’t consider this sort of thing a suitable use of the encyclopedia,” sniffed administrator WikiFiddler451, who said it had nothing to do with his having been one of the human test subjects picked as a computer.

“This is a marvellous achievement, and shows great progress toward goals I’ve worked for all my life,” said Professor Kevin Warwick of the University of Reading, confirming his status as a system failing the Turing test.

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