News of the News

TUBGRILL, Goatse-by-Cam, Monday (NNN) — The Home Office and a coalition of children’s charities are seeking to block access to the Internet to save the populace from child pornography and Internet-borne cancers.

“Only 95% of Internet users are protected from computer-borne paedophile cancers,” said Home Office Minister Alan Campbell. “We must bring the other 5% into line, despite their spurious claims of the fine British-designed Cleanfeed system being ‘completely incompetent broken crap that never worked in the first place.’

“It is clear that blocking all potentially illegal images is as easy as stopping people from sharing movies and music, which is a solved problem. We just block everything. This will then revive the newspapers and the record companies and thus the whole British economy, by the Mended Windows theory.”

Zoe fucking Hilton of the NSPCfuckingC concurred. “We need decisive action from the government to ensure our continued income. If you’re an ISP who doesn’t sign up with the IWF, you’re a fucking paedo. Paedo. Paedo. Paeeee-do. And you cause cancer, you fucking arsehole. HEY, EVERYONE! THERE’S A FUCKING PAEDO OVER HERE! And give us your fucking money, now. Paedo. I hope they fuck and kill you in jail.”

“The IWF has protected ISPs from government interference for over a decade and users from potentially illegal images,” said potentially fabulous drag queen and IWF head Peter Robbins. “Although our recent foray into actually attempting to do the impossible rather than just existing as something for ISPs to point at hasn’t gone so well, we must protect children from carcinogenic Olympic logos of Lisa Simpson being forced into sexual acts. Think of the cartoon characters!”

The Government has signalled it will block the “streaming” loophole by making it illegal not merely to download such images, but to think about them or consider their possible existence.

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BOG ALERTS, NHS Indirect, Friday (RT @NNN) — Facebook and Twitter will give you cancer, says Dr Aric Sigman, a completely unbiased researcher from the University of Metro.

Social networking sites “could raise your risk of serious health problems by reducing levels of face-to-face contact,” leaving you more susceptible to cancer, dementia, heart disease, diabetes, influenza and rheumatoid arthritis. But not lupus. Instead, you should be spending your time breathing germs on the Tube and reading newspapers.

Cigarette breaks in most offices have been replaced with Facebook breaks, as users desperate for a hit take a moment to reject seven vampire invitations and relax a bit.

“It’s also a sign of autistic spectrum disorders and stuff,” said Dr Sigman. He pointed to a new “are you autistic?” test in this evening’s London Lite:

Do you prefer:
(a) sitting at home on your interweb like a nerdy no-mates goit?
(b) getting pissed down a strip club with the guys from marketing, like normal people?

“It’s obviously ludicrous rubbish,” said Internet socialite Hiram Nerdboy, well-known around Second Life for his sexy fox-with-breasts avatar. “Internet social networks don’t affect your health,” he noted, munching through his second pizza and two-litre Coke of the day and shifting his stomach folds to one side so as not to block the Skype microphone.

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SIM SUBURBS, Last Life, Friday (NNGadget) - In further proof of the evils of video games, Shane Boyd, 16, stabbed Conor Black to death with a Wiimote at a party in Manchester after Black tried to give him an XBox.

The PK then bragged to people at the party “STFU N00B FR@GG3D QQ.” Wii Fit rated his age at 70 after years of teenage drinking and smoking.

The judge said using a knife was no way to settle a row about a games console, suggesting a nice game of chess. “Dis Wii is propa nang, blad!” noted the killer. “I beg it join my cru. Dat hangin crump XBox is an insult.” The judge said he had a point, but sentenced Boyd to 11 years’ confinement with an Atari 2600 and a copy of Custer’s Revenge. “Red Ring indeed.”

Britain has seen a rise in violent street crime involving teenagers in the last year, with one youngster being pushed out a window, his attacker shouting “IT’S A PORTAL!” and later claiming “GladOS made me do it.”

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BROOKER, Twatter.com, Thursday (NNN) — London will soon suffer an influx of cheap cocaine, making a line less than £1 — cheaper than a cup of coffee.

Drug experts have warned of “Nathan Barleys from horizon to horizon” as irritating and self-obsessed twats take drugs designed to enhance irritating self-obsessed twattery.

Starbucks has announced plans to fight back against the newcomer, with its new Double Venti Nonfat Decaf Organic Heroin Iced Vanilla Double-Shot PCP Nosecandyccino Caffeinated Detergent Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Methamphetamine Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet’N Low, One Nutrasweet and One MDMA. The cocaine is guaranteed to be organically grown and Fairtrade™-certified. “A better deal for drug farmers.”

Economists are warning of a second dot-com new media revolution. “No money, just endless streams of droning voices talking about themselves at each other. It’ll be like the worst bits of 2000 all over again.”

“At least they won’t be able to get it up to reproduce,” said the International Narcotics Control Board. “Just talk for hours on end about how good it’ll be.”

Smokers, meanwhile, still huddled outside in the rain while random passers-by threw rotten tomatoes at them.

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RUHNAMA, Niyazov, Monday (NNN) — Hugo Chávez has promised to speed up “the construction of true socialism” in Venezuela now that he can stand for re-election indefinitely. “We have exploded the barriers to a permanent socialist revolution.”

“Chávez has changed Venezuela from the sky right down to the earth,” said the completely typical Venezuelan citizen our reporter was supplied with. “Now there are opportunities for all, from the richest to the most deprived. The people love him. We cannot go back.”

Chávez has already taken control of the country’s vast oil wealth, expropriated private landholdings and businesses and instituted a programme of deep social reforms. He has attacked the “distribution of wealth” problem by destroying as much of it as possible. After Chávez promised to nationalise the biggest power and phone companies, the Caracas Stock Exchange closed nearly 20% down, Electricidad de Caracas fell 25% and CA Nacional Telefonos was suspended from trading. The Venezuelan Bolivar has been replaced in common use with twigs and small rocks, which suddenly have much greater practical exchange value.

Chávez next wants to merge all his coalition partners into a single party, remove the opposition television channel, nationalise key businesses and rule by decree for a year. However, construction of a one-hundred-metre tall gold statue of himself in the Caracas city square that turns to follow the sun will be delayed until next year, and renaming the days of the week and months of the year after himself and his mother can wait until the year after.

Fidel Castro expressed his confidence that Chávez was in no danger from the US. “This is the CIA we’re talking about,” said Castro. “They could fuck up a wet dream. Hey, maybe they’ll try the exploding cigar trick again. That’s a good one.”

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FIFTY-SEVEN CHANNELS, Neither Rare Nor Well-Done, forever (Mediocre Grauniad) — The heavily-promoted new series of Mad Men on BBC4 has failed to boost the channel’s ratings, with twenty-four viewers tuning in on Tuesday night, losing out to thirty-six viewers of ITV3’s Ladies of Letters and thirty-three for Sky Three’s reality TV hit I’m The Bottom Of A Barrel, Get Me Out Of Here.

All viewers turned out to be newspaper television critics, desperate for uncovered new areas to report on and anything at all to turn into copy.

The show was also beaten in the ratings by people’s dogs watching BBC Parliament, a YouTube video of a kitten jumping off a table and a nostalgic DVD of the little white dot fading into the distance you used to get on black-and-white televisions.

Advertisers are leaving in droves, turning down the opportunity to pay 50p for a half-hour infomercial on UKTV Home Shopping 7 and instead giving it to tramps to shout the product’s name at random commuters at bus stops.

TV executives blame BitTorrent downloads and the existence of computers in general for the decline in viewing figures and asked again for a chunk of the BBC license fee and a tax on all Internet connections, to be paid directly to them. And a pony. “Just keep giving us money, we’ll tell you when it’s enough.”

Blue Peter (fifty-eight viewers) will run tomorrow a special on how to make television ratings out of string, cheese, toilet rolls and cat litter. A grown-up will need to handle the scissors.

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THE PANOPTICON, Mountain View, all times everywhere (NNGadget) — Google, the world’s largest non-evil corporation, has released Stalkertude™, which allows you to share your location in real time with your dearest friends from all your social networks and blogs, that guy your friend gave your LiveJournal username to when you were both drunk and anyone you’ve ever sent or received a message to or from on GMail. And your boss.

Stalkertude™ allows you to broadcast where you are at all times. It supports all current smartphones except that stupid iThing from Cupertino. If you’re using Google Chrome, you can automatically share your location from your laptop too!

Stalkertude™ comes preinstalled on the Google Notepad netbook, a free Android-based mini-laptop to keep you connected wherever you go. The laptop maintains and archives a complete record of your life in text, video and audio form with the twelve built-in webcams and microphones dotted around the casing, plus samples of your DNA from the keys. The data is transmitted to the Google servers for your comfort and convenience and remains absolutely and entirely confidential between you and Google’s marketing department. Tasteful and understated text ads are subliminally woven into the display pixels.

Privacy features are important to Stalkertude™. You can trust us with your entire life record, even as we argue in court over Google StreetView that privacy doesn’t exist in the modern world. Besides, better we have your complete dossier than Microsoft, right? And we’ll only give it to the government if they, like, ask for it or something. That we’ve gathered so much data on you in the first place is in no way a danger to you. We promise we won’t tell your husband, and that’s what counts.

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KINGDOM OF HEAVEN ON EARTH, Dibley, Thursday (NNN) — The Church of England General Synod is preparing rules to appoint women as bishops.

Traditionalists and Anglo-Catholics were “bruised and angry” at the move. “Next they’ll reveal Jesus was a woman,” said the Rev Canon Simon Killwick. “A gay one! Or Jewish! Or not white and blue-eyed! Dogs and cats, living together! Gay female ones! Ordaining people!”

The traditionalist argument is that Jesus had no female disciples, Mary Magdalene and He being “just good friends, honest.” Also, girls have cooties.

“I am not a misogynist,” said George Austin, former Archdeacon of York. “Women have a hugely important role to play in the Church, doing the flowers or making the tea. Darling little creatures. Henry VIII consulted St. Paul personally on this matter and Paul agreed that when schisming a church so you can get your marriage annulled, you must at all costs keep women out of things.”

The Rev Nezlin Sterling said, “Why should we Christians walk on eggshells to preserve community cohesion and accommodate everyone else when the world around us is being aggressive towards Christianity? Burn the buses! Death to the bus drivers!”

The Bishop of Norwich, Graham James, said the draft law would wreak havoc on the Church. “What I see before me in the proposed legislation is an episcopacy so damaged and fractured as to be scarcely worthy of the name.”

“Eeexcellent,” said Professor Richard Dawkins, stroking a white kitten.

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THE COMMONS ROOM, Lo-Fi High, Thursday (NNN) — David Cameron apologised today after an overeager Conservative HQ staff member altered a Wikipedia entry to help him score a debating point in Parliament.

“It says in Wikipedia you’re a ‘one-eyed Scottish idiot,’” said Mr Cameron at Parliamentary Question Time. Later, a Tory staffer edited Mr Brown’s entry to note that Mr Brown was a “one-eyed Scottish idiot,” including references from conservative.com, and adding a “citation needed” tag as “there’s some dispute among academics.”

Mr Cameron retracted the comment after a barrage of criticism from politicians, disability groups and Wikipedia editors. “We believe the comparison of idiots to Gordon Brown constitutes incivility and a personal attack on all Wikipedians,” said administrator JClarkson451, “and have forwarded the matter to the Arbitration Committee.”

Scottish politicians have urged Mr Cameron be censured for insinuating Mr Brown was in any way linked with Scotland, an obvious national insult to that nice Scotsman Mr Blair.

Carol Thatcher called the controversy a storm in a teacup, but sent Mr Brown a cuddly golliwog doll to comfort him in these dark economic times.

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THE MEMORY HOLE, London EC1, Monday (NNN) — The ringleaders of a gang of bank robbers who operated with impunity for years have been brought to account before a Treasury Select Committee.

Tom “Orange” McKillop, Andy “Pretty Boy” Hornby and Fred “Nosecutter” Goodwin of the “RBS Massive” led a vast criminal conspiracy dedicated to skimming off huge amounts of dosh through veiled threats of “dat’s a very noice small business you got dere, shame if its cashflow got buggered, innit,” “loans” to shadow “property” and “construction” companies they owned large chunks of, and a twisty maze of Excel spreadsheets.

They and their lieutenants took for themselves more “bonuses” every time they destroyed more economic value from their hideout in the industrial wastelands of London EC1.

The gang members were severely tutted at by Alistair Darling and the Financial Services Authority. The criminals having apologised, this is expected to be an end to the matter, as is standard for jawdropping bank heists. They have also undertaken not to leech off any more cash. This year. Probably.

“Hang on a minute, lads, I’ve got a great idea!” said Gordon Brown at Davos last fortnight.

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THE RABBIT HOLE, Isengard, Tuesday (NNN) — The National Republican Trust will be financially supporting primary opponents of any Republican Senator or Congressman who votes for President Obama’s $800 billion economic stimulus package.

“We can’t have people passing bills just because they’re a good idea,” said director Scott Wheeler. “Working with others goes against everything we were elected for.

“Giving people money like this rewards failure. Taking away bankers’ bonuses turns this crisis into a catastrophe for them. We need to keep them trickling down on people.

“You have to remember, this bill’s backed by the gay-married Muslim Kenyan Frenchman who stole the Presidency from us in a liberal media conspiracy landslide. Who’s to say what the stimulus package is really for? ACORN, birth control advocates and Hollywood, that’s who! Who’s the real Stimulus Package?”

“People are hurting right now,” said Mr Obama, “but we hope to hold off the worst with targeted spending, keep the money flowing around and build up infrastructure for the future. You don’t want to think how bad things could get.”

“You betcha!” said Governor Sarah Palin, preparing for her 2012 run at the Presidency.

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UH, ROUND THERE SOMEWHERE, You know the place, man, later some time I think (NNN) — American researchers have found that long-term marijuana use will literally make your balls drop off.

The study, from the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle, is the first to look specifically at marijuana use in relation to the disease. Testicles contain receptors for tetrahydrocannabinol, meaning that smoking pot really does make your balls as big as you think it does.

“We also managed to tie it into the earlier study that showed that high sexual activity leads to prostate cancer,” said Dr Janet Daling. “Thus proving: if you touch it, it’ll drop off.”

Dr Daling said that puberty might be a “window of opportunity” during which boys were more vulnerable to environmental factors such as the chemicals in marijuana. “So all we need to do is to convince young men that sex, masturbation and getting utterly wasted is a bad idea and they shouldn’t want to do it.”

Critics of the study expressed concern over it not allowing for possible carcinogenic effects of brownies, pizza or Grateful Dead records.

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THE MEMORY HOLE, Westminster, Sunday (NNN) — Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has denied breaking any rules in claiming “second home” expenses for the house she shares with her husband and children, after all investigators looking into the matter found themselves otherwise occupied with personal legal concerns.

Ms Smith has claimed more than £116,000 in second home expenses over several years. However, several investigators had been arrested under the Protection from Harassment Act for alarming her or causing her distress. Several others were arrested under anti-terrorist legislation in order to explain their movements as documented on the new universal travel database, and two were arrested after council CCTV footage revealed a terrorist failure to recycle their rubbish properly.

A spokeswoman for Ms Smith said she had “fully abided” with expenses rules and smugly defied reporters to find any investigator who could say otherwise.

Earlier investigations of similar expense moves by Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper were abandoned after completely coincidental police threats to take away all computers, mobile phones and technological equipment more complicated than scissors away from the investigators, their families and anyone they knew unless they pled guilty to child porn charges.

Ms Smith thanked the Party for its confidence and promised to continue her work for the benefit of the law-abiding citizenry of the United Kingdom. “All twenty-two of them.”

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GOSH, Well I Never, Monday (NNN) — In a completely expected occurrence, it snowed in winter today, providing Britain — that is to say, London — with the trivial excuse it needed to shut down entirely.

“We were shocked, shocked,” said the “500 Service Unavailable” page on nationalrail.co.uk. “The weather forecast was entirely accurate, completely catching us off guard.”

Everyone has called in working from home and not skiving and looking at porn all day, no no. The only workers expected to show up are the pathological corporate whores. “I bet the economy loses millions because everyone’s late into work,” said some utterly workbroken and friendless City drone under the delusion that anyone gave a damn or didn’t want him dead.

“This ‘nanny’ state is so mollycodled it cant think for itself any longer!” said BBC Have Your Say commentator Boris Busybody, East Cheam. “Its Nu-Labour terrists an the unions. STRING EM UP ITS THE ONLY LANGAGE THEYLL UNDERSTAND.”

Things should be normal by Friday with it pissing down rain, which everyone can cope with. Except train companies.

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DO-AS-YOU-PLEASE, Faraway Tree, Sunday (NNN) — Half of British adults do not believe in evolution, with at least 22% preferring the theories of creationism or intelligent design and 10% believing in young Earth creationism, according to a survey by religious thinktank Theos.

Coincidentally, 35% of these respondents were found to have family trees bearing less resemblance to a branching structure than to a briar bush, and 12% considered people with ten fingers to be “signs of the devil at work.”

“We need to do whatever we can to stop ‘evil-lution,’ as I call it,” said Stephen Green of Christian Voice from his backroads homestead in deepest Carmarthenshire. “To this end, we must preserve the miracle of God’s grace of sexual reproduction and focus it inwards. Like breeding thoroughbred race horses or pedigree Chinese Cresteds.” Two of his hands emphasised this statement with a particularly striking banjo riff while the other one was holding the phone, with vocal harmonies courtesy the parasitical twin head attached to his rump.

Later this month scientists and academics from across Europe will meet in Dortmund, Germany, to discuss evolution and creationism and specific difficulties regarding the acceptance of evolution theory in their home countries. “We’re hoping they’ll be a self-solving problem as they get out-competed by amoebas, fungus and Essex girls,” said Professor Richard Dawkins, “as long as we can stop them taking the rest of us with them.”

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