News of the News

ODDIE, Whitehall, Friday (NNN) — The call of the MP is disappearing from Westminster’s countryside, according to the latest research that adds the little-loved species to a growing “red list” of the country’s most endangered birds for the first time, according to the latest assessment of Britain’s 646 Members of Parliament by the RSPB (Royal Society for the Protection of Bastards).

The MP, which funds its nest-eggs from the nests of others, has suffered a drastic decline in habitat and in the resources of those species it parasitises. The number of MPs considered to be most endangered has risen to over 50%, mostly from the left side of the field.

The MP’s unmistakable two-note call, described by Wordsworth as a “ker-CHING!”, is traditionally known as “the harbinger of Happy Hour.”

“When the RSPB was formed, few would have been concerned about the MP, the family member parliamentary researcher, the moat around the nest,” said Society leader Gordon Brown. “Now these creatures are some of our most endangered species. Won’t someone please think of the parliamentarians! Think of the tedious twats who’d be left without us! Just imagine Frank Field as speaker!”

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This morning, our dear leader Steve Ballmer is unveiling our completely new search service, unrelated to anything we at Microsoft have ever done before: Bob Hope.

We spent lots of time listening to you, except when you told us how much MSN Search Live Search Kumo sucked ’cause you’re just wrong about that, to learn which buzzwordy Web 2.0 thingies you use search for today. Finding a webpage that has anything to do with the search terms you entered is so passé, dahling.

So today we’re introducing a new kind of search, that goes beyond traditional search engines that do tedious things like find stuff, to instead help you make faster, more informed decisions. (Windows 7 is peachy keen, by the way.) We think of Bob Hope as a Decision Engine. We’ve sued Stephen Wolfram into atomic dust using our patents on FAT and Mono, co-opted the Wolfram Alpha engine and swapped Mathematica for Visual Basic and Wolfram’s brain for the exhumed corpse of Bob Hope.

So why did we pick Bob Hope as the new core of our search? We needed a brand that was as fresh and new as our approach. It needed to be like the product: optimized for the Internet. A name that was memorable, short, easy to spell, and that would function well as a URL around the world.

And just look at these results!

What do we want?
Braaains.
When do we want them?
Braaains.
What do I need to run Windows 7?
Braaains.
What’s Bill Gates got that means you should buy everything you can from the company he founded?
Braaains.
What’s the final proof of Steve Ballmer’s equal genius to Steve Jobs?
Vistaaa.

This is something new, something improved! You need to try it! It’ll give so much more betterer results than that other search engine we can’t name because Steve will wedge another chair up our butts! Please, come and try our new and improved service! FOR GOD’S SAKE TRY THE DAMN SERVICE. OR THE PUPPY GETS IT. We’re Microsoft. We’re serious as a heart attack on this one.

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GORDON BROWN BLOCK, Brit-Cit, Wednesday (NNN) — The Home Office and the Metropolitan Police are establishing “cyber-courts” at police stations and major shopping centres to dish out “instant justice.”

Launching the scheme this morning, Virtual Justice Secretary Jack Straw said such courts “have the potential to transform how justice interacts with society.” The first court was trialled at Charing Cross police station, where two drink-driving cases were arrested, brought in, sentenced and reprocessed into soylent green in a total of fifteen minutes. “Never mind the quality — feel the width!”

Unnamed experts believe that suspected petty criminals in Westfield Shopping Centre in Shepherd’s Bush, teenagers in the street, Brazilian electricians and other easily-bullied demographics would be the ideal first candidates, as Westfield already feels like a punishment from a dystopian future.

Senior police officers look forward to greatly increased efficiency as the system develops, with the cool helmet, black leather jumpsuit, huge bike and really cool gun as additional motivational extras. “Halt, perp!” shouted chief constable Sir Luckless Cipher. “Yeah, I could get used to the sound of that.”

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INTERNATIONAL FRONT, Little Britain, 4th June (NNN) — The forthcoming European Parliament elections have been shaken up by the push from the Christian Party, with their simple and direct platform: “Never mind who we are, what we plan or who our backers are — we’re not the BNP!”

British National Party supporters have been keen to post to newspaper comment sites at great length how there is no evidence whatsoever of BNP racism, despite the minor detail of a whites-only policy in the party constitution. There are widespread fears that, should the BNP gain a seat in the European Parliament, they may attempt to organise a drinking event in a brewery.

The Christian Party has been sufficiently well-funded to field candidates across the country and pay for tremendous quantities of advertising and billboards, tastefully decorated with swastikas to show how unlike the BNP they are.

Comparison of the Christian Party and BNP platforms reveals similar or identical policies concerning EU membership, British national interests, ecological concerns, women’s rights, gay rights and express support of Christianity.

“But we’re not the BNP! Look, we’ve got a black candidate! We use the word ‘Christian!’ Vote for us! We’re not neo-Nazis! Just nearly.”

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GALILEE-ON-SEVERN, Gloucester, Friday (NNN) — A worker at Gloucester Royal Hospital risks losing her job over wearing a crucifix at work.

Phlebotomist Helen Slatter was told the cross “could harbour infection,” spread disease or even be used as a weapon. Ms Slatter said the crucifix, which is twelve feet high and weighs 150 pounds, was too large to leave in the locker room rather than carry over her shoulder.

“The issue is not one of religion,” said a Gloucestershire NHS Trust spokesdroid. “There have also been problems with the time Ms Slatter has spent curing large queues of lepers, which do not count toward Ministry of Health management targets. Furthermore, her habit of feeding the entire hospital from the fish sandwiches in her packed lunch has badly impacted hospital takings from concession operators.” The trust has also asked Ms Slatter to stop walking across the Severn to work.

“We are willing to work with Ms Slatter on these issues after some strong opinions on these matters were raised from very high up,” said the spokesdroid after being struck by lightning out of a clear blue sky. “Very high up.”

In February this year, nurse Caroline Petrie was disciplined for curing patients through prayer and making the doctors look silly. In 2006, British Airways employee Nadia Eweida openly wore a cross necklace at work at Heathrow and regularly levitated into the sky after each three days at work. In the same year, BBC newsreader Fiona Bruce came under fire from managers for showing sinners she had condemned to hellfire live on television while presenting the news.

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Z-LIST AVENUE, Desolation Boulevarde, Friday (N! News) — The long-awaited sequel Ghostbusters III is in preproduction, said the dribbling ass of Dan Aykroyd’s career.

“All the original cast have signed back up,” said Aykroyd. “Sigourney Weaver, Harold Ramis, Annie Potts, Ernie Hudson and of course Bill Murray. … When I say signed up, I don’t mean on paper, in any committed sense. But, you know. They’ve ’signed up,’” he said, making air quotes.

“Bill was a little reluctant. Something about ‘rather drink crossed streams of my own piss.’ But a few dumptrucks full of cash backed up to his house should see him fully committed. Hopefully.”

Murray, who owns a controlling interest in the franchise, has thrown out Aykroyd’s original script, insisting one by Charlie Kaufman be used instead, in which failed parapsychologists in their sixties chase emotion-absorbing slime controlled by the Sumerian god of destruction through the existential caverns of their own minds as they attempt to reconstruct their lives and careers. And fail. “It’ll be laugh-a-minute,” said Murray. “I sure will be, anyway.”

“This is the best and most original idea in Hollywood this year,” said Aykroyd. “It’ll leave Blues Brothers 2000 in the dust.”

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THE LITTLE MPs’ ROOM, The Black Hole of Westminster, Friday (NNN) — In the MP expenses scandal, voters and media are looking to those Members of Parliament who can show a clear expense record. A leading fighter for openness on expenses is Frank Field, Labour member for Birkenhead.

“Frank has put up Excel spreadsheets showing his complete expense record on his website, including statistical analyses and pivot tables,” said Gordon Brown through gritted teeth. “He sets an example for all of us, and is the closest we have to a candidate for Speaker. I look forward to working with the swotty little goit and flushing the little arselicker’s head every morning recess in the Commons toilets.”

The annoying little dweeb has been famed in the past for his free-market affiliations and open criticisms of Labour policies. It is thought that this is mostly due not to ideology, but rather his geeky lack of social skills and delight in finding ways to annoy people that they can’t openly slap him for. He is also inordinately proud of his gold stars for attendance both in Commons and at St Tedious-In-The-Suburbs Anglican Church.

Close inspection of Mr Field’s records have shown no sign of expense abuse, though Sir John Major did let out several annoyed squeaks at Mr Field’s claims for 2B pencils, pointing out in high dudgeon that HB pencils were harder and therefore consumed lead at a slower rate. He also insinuated that he was better at tiddlywinks and programming BBC Model B microcomputers than Mr Field would ever be, not even to mention Mr Field’s lack of knowledge of cricket statistics or the deficiencies of his bus ticket collection.

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WHIRLING KNIVES, The Black Hole of Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) — An MP lost four full in-trays of dubious expenses after he was hypnotised into believing that he had a gastric band fitted, it has been claimed.

“I have tried every other diet and exercise plan the world has to offer,” said Michael Martin, until recently Speaker of the House. “I’ve tried tablets, WeightWatchers, Atkins, SlimFast, the shit-yourself-if-you-look-at-an-expense-claim drugs and even a personal trainer, but none of them helped me.”

However, with the miracle treatment, his expenses were revealed to the world. “Now I have lost a vast pile of questionable claims! And my job. And the pay for it. Bugger.

“Bizarrely, I can remember every part of the ‘procedure’ — including being wheeled into theatre, the clink of the surgeon’s knife and even the complete absence of anaesthetic.”

The procedure is being recommended across Parliament as expense recovery leaves mere shreds of flesh that are unlikely to be left standing next election.

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MEMBERS’ BAR, Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) — The House of Lords has suspended two Labour peers, Lord Truscott and Lord Taylor of Blackburn, for being stupid enough to get caught offering to influence legislation for money.

Two other Labour peers, Lord Snape and Lord Moonie, were cleared of similar allegations, but apologised to the Lords for “almost getting caught.” (Lords Potter and Sirius were not available for comment.)

“The trust that people place in parliament and parliamentarians has sunk like a stone,” thundered Lord Archer. “It does serious damage to the reputation of the house,” added Lord Black from his American residence. “It has meant being shouted at in the street, our spouses being reluctant to go to our local communities because of what people have been saying,” said Lord Lucan, speaking from Goa in India.

The last member of the upper house to be suspended was Thomas Savile, 1st Earl of Sussex, who was also barred in 1642 for siding with Gordon Brown.

“I am being made a scapegoat,” said Lord Truscott. “There are other peers far more stupid than me. Than I. Infamy, infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!”

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CLIMBIÉ, Hackney, Tuesday (NNN) — ContactPoint, a detailed database of all 11 million children under 18 in England, has become available to childcare professionals for the first time and definitely not to anyone else.

The government says it will enable more co-ordinated services for children and ensure none slips through the net. “Our outsourcers estimate five million billion hours of professionals’ time and a billion trillion zillion pounds in duplication of services can be saved by giving them lots of money,” said England children’s minister Delyth Morgan. “The database is essential to the protection of the most vulnerable members of our society: the bureaucrats and politicians.”

The 390,000 child care professionals, local council bin inspectors and NHS janitors with access will all have gone through stringent security training and vetting by EDS Capita Goatse. “What could possibly go wrong?” said Morgan. More than 51,000 children deemed “vulnerable,” “famous” or “related to a politician” will have their identities and information shielded.

Security issues have been a perennial concern, with aspects of the system possibly being illegal under data protection laws. However, the system will initially be tested in 17 local authorities in the north west of England, because it’s not like their children matter anyway. Public review of the transparency of the system will be available with the release of a complete dump of the system database on CD-ROM and USB memory stick, to be left down the side of the seat on a train service yet to be specified.

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THE STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA, They Sent It Back Too, Monday (NNN) — The Food Standards Agency has announced new mandatory voluntary targets for food manufacturers to cut the amount of salt in bread, bacon, breakfast cereals and soup by 2012.

The FSA says reducing daily salt intake to 6 grams from the present 8.6 grams could prevent twenty thousand deaths from high blood pressure. “The best way we can achieve this is to make food taste as much like cardboard as possible. Sugar’s out too. This will also allow us to meet obesity targets, as no-one will be able to face eating and will merely have to drink themselves to death. ’Cos they can’t smoke any more either.”

McDonald’s has complained of people bursting in off the street, grabbing handfuls of those little salt packets and running out again. Police have warned of gangs of youths shooting each other with knives over contraband seasoning and speaking something that sounds like English but would probably be better transmitted by SMS.

Cardboard manufacturers looked forward to a windfall, with Ryman’s announcing a new line of pre-salted notebooks and filofaxes in salt and vinegar, cheese and onion and crispy bacon flavours. “Just quietly, sir, we’ve got some juicy pens in too, since you’re a regular and all.”

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ZDNET, Mediocre Grauniad, Saturday (NNGadget) — I’ve been using Wolfram Alpha, the new web encyclopedia social search networking mathematics engine, for almost ten minutes now.

And I can tell you — despite fears it would create a black hole when switched on, ending all life on earth, it’s no iPhone killer.

It’s good, to be sure, and “I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t do that” is the appropriate answer for so many queries (and “Wolfram Alpha isn’t sure what to do with your input” is for pretty much all the others), but I can’t see Wolfram Alpha successfully vanquishing any such titans as iPhones, Twitter, Windows 7 or Zune.

Stephen Wolfram is less than amused. “Your petty queries miss the point. The queries Wolfram Alpha cannot answer are not worth answering. Until you foolish Internet users realise the value of my brilliant creation, you will merely continue to stumble about, blind and helpless, as your pitiful ‘human’ civilisation has done for so long. I knew I should have charged for it. You don’t deserve it free.”

But can it replace Facebook? Are we worthy of blurry drunk photos of girls we vaguely know from a knowledgeable, curated source? Will Wolfram Alpha add a third answer, “REPLY HAZY TRY AGAIN LATER”? I’ll be sure to be here all month, filling space with the finest analytical prognostication on the subject. It sure beats working.

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SNOW CRASH, The Metaverse, Wednesday (NNGadget) — US Air Force General Kevin Chilton, head of US Strategic Command, has said that attacks on the United States via the Internet could merit a conventional military response.

“I don’t think you take anything off the table. We’re particularly looking toward one group in Seattle.”

The Seattle-based insurgent group is thought to have seeded American government and military computers with millions of copies of malware that allows attackers easy access to any data stored on the computer, or indeed to take complete control of the computer and use it for their own ends as part of a massive “botnet” to mount further attacks. The malware, “Windows,” makes securing a computer running it almost impossible.

“Turning Seattle into a glass crater would only be undertaken strictly as the minimum required surgical military action,” emphasised Chilton, “and not in any way out of twenty-five years’ bitter resentment and frustration at computing machinery.”

Chilton stressed that members of the US military must begin to think of their computers as the front lines. “Do you realize that in addition to adding Windows to computers, why, there are studies underway to Windowsize salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk … ice cream. Ice cream, Mandrake, children’s ice cream! I can no longer sit back and allow Windows infiltration, Windows indoctrination, Windows subversion and the international enterprise licensing conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids!”

The Obama administration is currently reviewing the United State’s cyberspace defense policy. “We’re considering all options thoroughly,” said the President, closing his MacBook and looking lingeringly at the red button on his desk.

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ISENGARD, Wapping, Monday (NNN) — Rupert Murdoch, speaking out on the news business, stated today that “the Internet free access model is clearly malfunctioning, as I don’t make enough money from it.”

Media commentators fear for the future of investigative journalism. “How can we hold governments’ feet to the fire without money to pay our great reporters? Where would you get your recycled wire feeds, your Garfield cartoons?” Publishers hold that it is natural for readers to pay what advertisers once did, just as cows have to make up the difference out of their own pockets when the price of milk falls.

Newspapers have suffered badly since the collapse of their previous business model of selling readers to advertisers on a local monopoly basis. The replacement models appear to involve phlogiston, caloric and luminiferous aether.

“We have to educate people that free doesn’t work, particularly for us,” said Vanessa Thorpe of the Guardian Media Group. “I tried an advertorial repeating several times that nothing will be free any more, to magic it into happening. I also subtly implied the Pirate Bay were Nazis — HITLER! HITLER! HITLER! — so we’ll see if we can make that one fly too.”

Publishers have also explored the notion of getting Google to pay its “fair share” for so parasitically leading people to newspapers’ websites. The Wikimedia Foundation promptly started billing journalists for their reprints from Wikipedia. “We feel this is completely unfair,” said Tom Curley of the Associated Press, “as real news stories spring forth from the heads of accredited reporters in an immaculate creation from nothingness. My preciousss.” Maurice Jarre was unavailable for comment.

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CYBERSPICE, Brass Eye, Saturday (NNN) — Children’s charities are backing a private member’s bill proposed by Baroness Massey to make Internet-based retailers run age verification checks.

A check on twelve sites found that thorough checks were not being done. “You can buy a case of vintage Burgundy online from France without supplying fingerprints, driver’s license and a DNA sample!” said Baroness Massey. “This sort of thing is clearly responsible for juvenile delinquency and teenage knife crime, as heated discussions over the best pinot noir of the last decade come to blows.”

The move is expected to boost the economy. “It is too easy for children to buy alcohol, knives and violent video games online. If we make it harder, this will make it enticing.”

In a supervised test, a 16-year-old boy bought pre-paid credit cards and then went online to see if he could buy knives, drink, age-restricted DVDs, games and pornographic website subscriptions. The youth cautioned that insufficient data had been gathered and they definitely needed to do another six to twelve months’ testing before he could give any reliable conclusions as to what he had managed to obtain. And a two-terabyte USB hard drive. And a faster Internet connection.

“Our efforts to keep children safe are being seriously undermined by these ‘internet’ arseholes,” said Zoe fucking Hilton, publicity-with-menaces advisor for the NSPCfuckingC, weighing in as usual. “Any retailer we don’t like is a pack of fucking paedos and I hope they fucking die horribly. Cunts. But they can reassure us of their bona fides by giving the NSPCC money. Usual bank account, thanks. That’ll do nicely.”

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APPLE PIE, Texas, Friday (NNN) — Facing increased marginalisation, the Republican Party is concentrating on its core audience and values.

“We are completely against the Obama stimulus spending,” said Rush Limbaugh, speaking through Party chair Michael Steel. “We favour subsidies for no-one and nothing, and feel the Great Recession can best be repaired by moving to a laissez-faire system of primitive hunting and gathering.”

Economic policies are a sideline, however, for the most important Republican stances. “We are firmly in favor of personal responsibility, except to do with sex. It’s necessary to the health and security of America to enforce sex only once a month for procreation, and putting gays or suspected gays in the stocks in the public square. Just Say No!”

Colin Powell, the traitorous Obama-voter, told a GOP audience last week that “the Republican Party is in deep trouble.” Mr Powell also claimed that the Earth goes around the Sun and is not flat. He was burned at the stake later in the evening. “Powell was never a real Republican,” said Limbaugh. “Nor was Arlen Specter. I’ve got my doubts about Lincoln too.”

As a GOP discussion continues, the probability of one participant calling another a “Democrat” approaches one. However, the party will respect the national mood and advance moderates it feels are in tune with its core. “Ideally we’re looking for a creationist Pentecostal abstinence-touting book-banning Alaskan separatist gun nut MILF with crossed eyes like Dan Quayle’s and the conversational powers of George Bush, who’s black. That’d be a candidate with real crossover potential.”

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REHABILITATION PROJECT FORCE, Hemet Gold Base, Friday (NNN) — Ten of America’s largest 19 banks have failed the stringent economic “stress tests” based on the teachings of Dianetics.

Senior investigators from the Office of the Treasury (”Big OTs”) found that, considered as thetans, the banks were too weighed down with engrams, from this and past lives, and the engrams of the many “sub-prime thetans” still attached to them.

The test involves financial executives holding the “cans” in a firm grip while answering questions such as:

2. When others are getting rattled, do you remain fairly composed?
8. Are your actions considered unpredictable by other people?
23. Do you resent the efforts of others to tell you what to do?
24. Is it normally hard for you to “own up and take the blame”?
30. Do you enjoy telling people the latest scandal about your associates?
59. Do you consider the modern prisons without bars system “doomed to failure”?
76. Do you sometimes give away articles which strictly speaking do not belong to you?
124. Do you often make tactless blunders?
125. Are you suspicious of people who ask to borrow money from you?

“The economy’s been like a volcano that’s about to blow,” said US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. “Our hope is that banks can get back to the business of banking, staying upstat and producing Valuable Final Product, to lift the cloud of uncertainty.”

Analysts broadly welcomed the results of the stress tests. “The IQ test seems to have been very accurate,” said Eric Kuby of North Star Investment Management. “The fears of entheta and the influence of suppressive persons have more or less disappeared.”

The current Federal Reserve system was set up in the 1950s as the result of a bet between Alan Greenspan and L. Ron Hubbard.

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MELLIE, Newcastle, Thursday (NNN) — Gigabytes and gigabytes of pornography and highly sensitive login details for gentleman’s art sites were bought by a US military missile air defence base second-hand on eBay.

The collected fine artworks of young women in a state of natural aesthetic presentation were found on a hard disk for the SPLORT (Super-Powered Less Obviously Retronymed Thing) ground to air missile defence system, used to shoot down Scud Mag missiles in Iraq.

Dr Andy Jones, a researcher at the base, said “This is the fourth time we have carried out this research and it is clear that records left on hard disks are the twenty-first century equivalent of random pornographic magazines found in bushes and parks by masturbation-crazed eleven year old boys. PHWOAR, LOOK AT THE TITS ON THAT ONE! I’m sorry, I’m just reviewing a birdwatching site. Fabulous display of Cyanistes cæruleus.

“Of significant concern is the number of large organisations that are still not disposing of confidential information in a secure manner. Thank fuck.”

The disk also contained site passwords, credit card numbers and 18 USC 2257 information on … “prospective military contractors,” Dr Jones quickly interjected. “Really. Prospective contractors. We’re getting in touch with them right away.”

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RALEIGH, North Carolina, Wednesday (NNGadget) — The Debian project has dropped the use of the GNU project’s glibc C library, substituting the eglibc fork, as glibc maintainer Ulrich Drepper refused patches or bug reports for several architectures Debian relied on.

“Any change will negatively impact well designed architectures for the sole benefit of this embedded crap,” said Drepper. “Famously good architectures like x86. Can you believe, these people wanted their C library to work in systems with shells other than bash! They must think they’re signing my paycheck.”

Drepper has, in retaliation, announced his own fork of Debian. It will be created in cooperation with Joerg Schilling and Tuomo Valkonen and be based on the Schilix variant of OpenSolaris, with Ion running on XFree86 as the standard graphical interface. “Keith Packard ruined X,” said Valkonen. “Also, time is actually cubical in nature.” The standard file system will be ext4, given its proven ability to cause data loss in user software that ext4’s maintainers consider ill-written. “Hans Reiser didn’t get back to us. Pity, we always got along with him really well.”

The project will apparently be licensed under both the intersection and union, and probably various algebraic transformations, of the GPL, LGPL, CDDL, MIT License and the thing Valkonen wrote for Ion3. This is not anticipated to be a problem in practice with real-life users, at least not until one exists.

“YOU!” said David Dawes of XFree86. “YOU’VE BEEN TALKING TO THEM, HAVEN’T YOU! YOU’RE CONSPIRING WITH THEM! THOSE GUYS! THEY STOLE IT ALL! THEY PUT A RADIO IN MY HEAD! LINUX/BSD WEENIES! EDUCATED EVIL AND STUPID! I’LL SHOW ’EM! HELL YES! I’LL SHOW ’EM ALL!” “That means he’s onside with us,” said Valkonen. “Dave’s been a bit terse since he finally lost it trying to fix a broken modeline.”

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Guest post by Stephen Wolfram

Some might say that Mathematica, the source of my fortune, and A New Kind Of Science: A Brief History Of My Stupendous Intellect were ambitious projects. But in recent years I’ve been hard at work on a still more ambitious project: Wolfram Alpha.

Fifty years ago, people assumed that computers would quickly be able to handle all kinds of question. It didn’t work out that way. But a few years ago, I realized that I was finally in a position to do it myself. As I’d always expected I’d have to, of course.

I had the crucial ingredients: Mathematica and A New Kind Of Science. And my truly massive intellect. With these, I had a language to compute anything and a paradigm for complexity from simple rules. And my spectacular brain, which is much more spectacular than anyone else’s, as proven by me being rich as well as smart. Which is smarter: to be a professor, or to be the professor all the other professors pay tribute to? I think my net worth makes the answer clear.

But what about all the actual knowledge that we as humans have accumulated? I realized we needed to make all data computable as knowledge. Of course, natural language is incredibly difficult for computers. So we added the secret ingredient: my jaw-droppingly spectacular brain, undoubtedly the largest on Earth.

I’m happy to say that with a mixture of clever algorithms and heuristics, linguistic discovery and curation, and some casual Nobel-worthy theoretical breakthroughs in my spare moments, we’ve made it work. It’s going to be a website with one simple input field that gives direct access to my superlative brain, in its planet-sized glory.

Our pre-launch testers have been at work as well, and I’m dealing with all manner of queries in spare thought cycles while I jetset around the world, wowing the pitiful minds of gorgeous international supermodels before impregnating them with my superior genetic material. Let’s just have a look at the query stream: “tits” “goatse” “mary whitehouse naked” “4chan” “tubgirl” “2girls1cup” “ITS OVER 9000 LOL” “desu desu desu desu”
ERROR ERROR ERROR
&&#(”^^(856″^*#**”#&*##&##^^^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@
NO CARRIER_

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