News of the News

BRUSSELS, Belgian Empire, Thursday (NNN) — The Imperial Belgian Regime has concluded the first stage of its revival with the coronation of Herman van Rompuy as Imperator and Father of All Europe.

“I shall bring to you all unbounded prosperity and joy in life,” said Emperor Herman, “in appropriate moderation and with due attention to subclauses (iii)-(v) of section 12 of the third chapter of the memorandum of coronation. We must take care not to go overboard.”

Belgium’s new rise as an imperial power comes after the failure of its early twentieth century African colonial adventures. Later in the last century, the country instead played to its strengths of beer, chocolate and bureaucratic obfuscation, quietly hanging around at the centre of things and making itself useful whilst clogging up all around itself with red tape.

“Imperial Belgium will usher in a new era of brotherhood,” said the Emperor, “with the correct paperwork. The horrors of war will become administratively unfeasible as the Pax Belgia renders the necessary forms and tender documents mysteriously unavailable or unavoidably delayed. Whatever language a citizen speaks, their words will be circumlocutory and obfuscated, facilitating accurate and fidelitous translation into all other tongues with no loss whatsoever of meaning or comprehensibility. The promise of Babel is ours.”

Baroness Catherine Ashton is the British appointee to the position of Chinless Imperial Foreign Minister. Critics claim she has never had a proper job nor a non-appointed political position. However, she points out she was elected by 100% of the twenty-seven voters.

The UK Independence Party continued to call for Britain’s withdrawal from the Empire. “It is beneath the dignity of a Great Power such as Britain to become a new Belgium. We advocate the far preferable fate of becoming the new Albania.”

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SPILL, Aisle 2, Thursday (NNN) — Supermarket giant Tesco plans to establish itself as a major force in the broadband Internet market with Tesco Value Internet, setting itself up as a rival to to BT, Virgin Media and TalkTalk.

“It’ll be hard work,” said Tesco Telecoms head Lance Batchelor, “but we have the customer service and engineering excellence ready to equal the market frontrunners. For ten quid a month, you can have internet and phone that cut out at random, customer service from a call centre in Uzbekistan — second-line support will actually have an English vocabulary of over twenty phrases, learnt phonetically! — and random viruses being uploaded to your computer. Even if it’s a Mac.”

The company will sell customers a “cheap and cheerful” modem, in white with red and blue accents, hard-wired to their account. Connection speed will be 16 megabits, with a bandwidth cap of 32 megabits. The basic plan will include “full access to all Internet sites,” particularly those that pay Tesco for access. Web search with Microsoft Bing! is free, web search that finds things will be an extra five pounds. The Sainsbury’s shopping site is anticipated to remain inexplicably nonfunctional at all times on all plans.

Not to be outdone, Asda and LiDL have announced their own broadband offerings. The Asda Smart Price Modem will have flashing white and green lights with electric bits placed inside at random. The LiDL modem will, quite literally, be a block of German-made cheese with wires in.

Waitrose sneered at their competitors’ plans, unveiling their own £40/month offering that connects using a superior piece of tank-like stainless steel design that finds your favoured MP3s and porn for you and pre-sorts them for your convenience.

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My Lords and Members of the House of Commons:

My government’s overriding priority is to be re-elected. This will require a sustained scientific and mathematical research program to discover truly revolutionary advances in arithmetic. Or failing that, just the revolution. A “default vote” option will be put into place such that anyone not showing up and voting will be presumed to have voted for Labour.

My government will put into place a cunning series of traps for the Conservatives should they be elected, with all sorts of unfunded legislative initiatives the Tories can either be called out for repealing or pull money out of thin air for should they choose not to.

My government will continue to simulate the appearance of reform and regulation of the financial services industry. My government will introduce blitheringly stupid legislation to cut off everyone’s Internet and stop them complaining on the Guido Fawkes blog. My government will introduce budget deficit reduction legislation. All of these programmes will be designed to kick in around 2011, just to annoy Dave. My government will also continue to tweak Nick Clegg because he quite eminently deserves it.

My government will enshrine in law its commitment to abolish child poverty within the next eleven years. The precise date will be rebased annually, so as to remain eleven years in the future.

My government will legislate against carbon emissions, flooding and rain. Additional legislation will be brought in to tell the tides to turn back.

My Lords and Members of the House of Commons I pray that the blessings of Almighty God may rest upon your counsels. And that of that nice Mr Murdoch, who shall remain assured that, whoever is in power, his will shall remain paramount in the governance of our great country.

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STRAIGHT’S THE WORD, Bruxelles, Saturday (NotScientist) — Ubiquitous chemical contamination, driven by the radical feminist agenda, is driving down sperm counts and feminising male children across the developed world.

Young boys produce less sperm and developing feminised behaviour, in which they dress up in pink, have tea parties, read the Guardian and pooh-pooh stories in Metro about how our caveman ancestors explain all modern social gender determinism. Many apparently prefer indie rock music to football, proving they are therefore poofters and must be beaten up.

Harriet Harwoman, the minister for men, has committed Britain to higher levels of gender-bending chemicals in their blood, to sell us out to her EU masters and accelerate our utter national defeat at the hands of manly Polish asylum-seeking radical Muslim terrorist Frenchmen out to destroy the prices of British-owned houses in Normandy.

“We are outraged,” said Stephen Green of Christian Voice. His organisation is working with a group of volunteers to record a song highlighting the problem that will eliminate any effeminacy in British culture. “We’ve made sure the video projects proper masculine role models: a police officer, a cowboy, a construction worker, a soldier. The song talks about the masculine pursuits available at the Young Men’s Christian Association. It’s really very catchy. I can’t see how it won’t be a complete success.”

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THE WHORELY ARMS, Primrose Hill, Monday (N! News) — Formerly talented singer Amy Winehouse spent Sunday night in hospital, reportedly falling ill after her blood medication level dropped below saturation levels.

“Amy took an over-the-toilet-sink preparation for a cold,” said some money-grubbing scrote willing to make up complete bollocks for a journalist, “or something to do with her nose, anyway. But evidently she ran short. She’s making damn sure this never happens again.”

The singer recently had her breasts replaced with cyborg implants containing laser cannons, a GPS tracker to find her way home from the pub and a paparazzi detector that automatically exposes them to camera lenses. She has reportedly been considering a second boob job, to get back the figure she had before becoming a drug hoover, buttock implants, brain implants and clue implants, though there is fear her personality may reject these. She has been working on redesigning her nose from the inside, as well as scribbling on designer freckles with a sharpie.

She is also planning a children’s doll based on her new polymer bodywork. “I think I’m a role model for young girls these days,” she said. “They act a lot like me, especially on Saturday nights.”

Ms Winehouse is currently recording her third album, evidently by phone.

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KALLIKAK, Gattaca, Saturday (NotScientist) — Genetic testing companies are promising to match couples based on Escherichia coli testing, touting the benefits of biological compatibility and claiming a match means better personality match, better sex and conclusive proof that they match down to the asshole.

“How many dating services can you think of where assholes can meet an asshole they really deserve?” said Eric Holzle, founder of AssholePersonalityDisorderMatch.com.

People tend to be attracted to those whose personalities are appropriately complementary to their own. APDMatch claims to be able to ascertain this by scientifically measuring the characteristics of a prospective couple’s digestive tracts.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR) inexplicably fails to detail Asshole Personality Disorder. However, a diagnosis of APD requires five or more of the following to be present for a significant period of time:

• Self-importance

• Refusal to acknowledge or even comprehend social rules
• Delusions of adequacy
• Believes others would do just fine if only they were sensible like him
• Beliefs appear to change to match the situation, but that’s just other people being idiotic
• Pride in their superior people skills
• Recto-cranial inversion
• Projection of all symptoms on this list onto those around them.

“If we can make sure that assholes end up with other assholes,” said Dr Holzle, “we can save the rest of us from dealing with their ridiculous bullshit.”

But don’t put too much faith in this, experts said. Dr. Rocio Moran, medical director of the General Genetics Clinic at the Cleveland Clinic, called the idea “ridiculous,” and said the science of assholism is too complex to work out by looking at a few bacterial traces.

“They are just trying to make a buck,” she said. “Focusing on getting those bucks from assholes is, of course, commendable. But assholism is subtle and endemic. How many times have you heard some asshole proclaim, ‘hah, that really sticks it to those assholes!’?”

Holzle was not able to point to any success stories. “Quite frankly, the site tends to attract assholes. And do you think we ever want to talk to these people again? We have to swab these assholes’ goddamn assholes. What a pile of shit this job is. What the hell was I thinking? Apparently some have bred. This will probably doom the human gene pool. I’m so very, very sorry.”

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SOLANAS, New Dworkin, Friday (NNN) — Teenage boys need to be taught a heavy dose of realism: that it may not be possible to be a perfect father and a career man, says Jill Berry, head teacher of Sir William Harpur school in Bedford and president of the Boys’ Schools Association (BSA).

About four-fifths of pupils in BSA schools will have children. While clever boys should aim high, she says there is nothing wrong with them working part-time or not at all when they have children.

“A lot of our boys want to have it all. That’s fine, but we need to make them realistic. More men are going back to work early after having children. It can all work until their child is ill.There is nothing wrong with them saying ‘I need to work part-time’ or ‘I need support in order to enable me to work and have children.’ What we can do as teachers is prepare them to have aspirations, but not aim for perfection. We can help them recognise that life is about balance.”

Berry, who does not have children, said that unless boys were taught this, teachers were “in danger of betraying them. Priorities shift, but that doesn’t mean you’re selling out — you are facing reality and trying to be realistic about social expectations and what you can achieve and you should stop beating yourself up about it.”

Her comments come amid a raging debate over flexible working rights, particularly for men with families. The debate over getting men into the workplace continues. Last month fund manager Nichola Pease said many firms were put off from hiring men.

Harriet Harwoman, the minister for men, told the Treasury select committee inquiry Men in the City that “the change we need is the change which recognises that for men to take time out with a young baby or to work flexible or part-time hours on return from paternity leave is going to be the way of the future. Of course, work musn’t interfere with keeping the house tidy, cooking a nice family meal every evening and putting out with at least forty-five minutes of cunnilingus each night and Sunday morning. Marital bliss takes effort.”

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VEVEY, Suisse, Friday (NNN) — A small bar of dark chocolate a day helps keep stress at bay, say researchers at Nestlé, particularly the stress of chocolate manufacturers looking at sales figures.

Chocolate cuts levels of stress hormones and supplies valuable income that the company can further apply to killing Third World babies and buying its competitors to avoid boycotts.

“We must note that this only applies to Nestlé products,” said scientifically independent research shill Sunil Kochhar. “Cadbury and Lindt are well known to cause pimples, impotence and lard. I hear they make your period worse.”

Workers around the country noted this as a verification of common sense. “If I glare at people each month,” said Brenda Busybody, 45 (IQ), “chocolate magically appears at my desk. Good, that.

“The best chocolates for stress, though, are the ones with liqueur in the middle. The important point with these is that the chocolate shell is entirely optional. The essential good effects can be duplicated with the fine products of Bombay Sapphire and tonic. And a cig or six.

“Hell, I can’t even take out my frustrations on the poor bastard handing out London Lite after today. It’s clear that chocolate, gin and cigarette-based stress reduction is a medical necessity and needs to be employer-supported. Or I’ll tear your head off and shit down your neck.“

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THE PINK LINE, Scunthorpe, Monday (NNN) — Generally objectionable, odious and unpleasant people are going so far as medical intervention to turn them into absolute cunts, says a report in the British Journal of Obstetrical and Gynaecological Metaphors.

“There is a shocking lack of information on the risks of the procedure,” say researchers at University College London . “Reasonably pleasant and well-presented school leavers are turning into real estate agents and bad science journalists. They pay far too much attention to their presentation at the expense of actual depths. Some prefer the phrase ‘designer vagina,’ ’cos it rhymes and all, but we must objectively and scientifically describe them accurately: a pack of complete and utter cunts.”

Operations to remove the ability to perceive one’s own objectionable behaviour are on the rise. A sort of loud, braying sneer is a common option. Many also make the cunt as shallow as possible. “Their personality presents a sort of genital surface and nothing at all behind it except a shit-laden rectum.” Many subjects are motivated by career opportunities, often spurred on by managers who have this particular talent naturally. “Geniuses of cunt, some of them.”

But surgeons said the report overplayed the risks of an established procedure. “As a plastic surgeon, I have often considered having the operation myself,” said Douglas George of the British Association of Aesthetic and Plastic Surgeons (BOOBIES) as he jiggled his DD implants toward the camera. “But it proved unnecessary in my case. By the way, we’re doing a great deal on internal plastic surgery. Save yourself the hideous embarrassment of a less than perfectly presented X-ray! Get a promotion at work!”

Risks to society include designer cunts admiring each other’s cuntishness and reproducing, having a child whose genes make them actually reasonably normal and decent people brought up by a pair of real cunts.

The worst cases are when some “utter and total cunt” talks his quite nice girlfriend into getting a designer labioplasty, just to try to make her feel insecure about a part of her body that no-one in the world except the two of them ever see. Spurious media reports claiming labioplasties are on the rise are a common and vector for this sort of cuntishness. “You have to really be a completely and utterly cuntish cunt to be such a cunt about cunts. ’Cos cunts are excellent, but cunts aren’t.”

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PAGE 3, Channel 5, Tuesday (NNN) — Women with large breasts appear to attract the attention of men, scientists were absolutely amazed to discover.

Researchers from the University of Metro, writing in Evolution and Human Behaviour Illustrated, have spent many, many hours studying 16,000 women and girls, and their boobs, in quite close detail to investigate anecdotal reports that men’s attention is often attracted by women with sizable mammaries. Moreover, the more spectacular the norks in question, the greater the propensity for passing men to walk into a lamp post in a comical manner.

The more voluptuous women were also found to be more intelligent on average, performing better on cognitive tests, although the male researchers were reduced to drooling idiocy and largely not all that interested really. “We don’t want to compromise our scientific objectivity by seeing if the subjects are capable of speech,” said one researcher with his hands firmly jammed into his pockets.

The story was illustrated with a picture of Nigella Lawson, who has a degree in mediæval and modern languages from Oxford, a really quite splendid pair and a propensity for leaning over on telly.

The researchers speculated this was to do with fatty acids found on the hips, such as Omega-3. Or possibly something to do with our caveman ancestors, as these sort of stories tend to be. But pretty much no-one read that far.

Further studies are likely to prove that water is wet, the sky is blue and that men, particularly researchers and science journalists, think with their cocks. In the meantime, here’s a helpful, educational and newsworthy illustrative photograph of Nigella Lawson’s fabulous rack.

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AUSTRALIAN GLADIATORS, Sky None, Monday (Mediocre Grauniad) — In an exclusive interview with one of his employees, Rupert Murdoch announced that it was time to draw a line in the sand in his constant battle to frustrate freeloading consumers by scheduling extensive rhinoplasty.

As the logical extension of his intent to improve monetization of his global media empire, an aggressive research team, led by his own grubby, questing index finger (itself a semi-autonomous publicly traded subsidiary of ArmCorp) had discovered a hitherto unprofitable branch of Mr Murdoch’s own face and immediately set to analysing the potential in the “streaming content” market.

“Thanks to the pervasive and anarchic medium of light and an endemic, unscrupulous approach to photon-consumption,” said Mr Murdoch to a camera he owned, “the public have been stealing — we believe it is theft — visible spectra which carry a representation of my nose. When I consent to an interview, a TV appearance or a personal meeting with an individual, we are entering into a contract in which I am licensing access to me, Rupert Murdoch, a highly lucrative and profitable range of properties and services.

“For too long, people have been content to pay only for access to my thoughts, speech or round-the-clock footage of the contents of my bowels — via the Times, Sky and Fox News respectively — while stealing valuable images of my nose, its nostrils and their contents, then rebroadcasting and shamelessly profiteering.

“When a reporter negotiates an interview with me, as well as broadcasting the material he has licensed legitimately, he frequently steals additional content without permission. Telling another reporter down the pub ‘I just interviewed that arsehole Murdoch, what a leathery-faced, jowly, big-nosed, offensive wanker he is’ is time-shifting and re-disseminating unlicensed intellectual property. Commentary based upon my opinions is legitimate as paid output from the premium outlet of my mouth. Any entertainment derived from the rest of my face is theft, pure and simple. There is no such thing as fair use.”

The interview itself took place on Sky Channel 149, a pioneering venture to broadcast 24-hour footage of the view from Mr Murdoch’s bathroom cabinet. In line with Mr Murdoch’s policy of preferring fewer paying customers and no freeloaders, Sky 149 has precisely one subcriber, with Mr Murdoch himself paying himself hundreds of thousands of dollars each month for access, for the purpose of shaving.

Having successfully franchised out his forehead, jowls and cheeks to a conglomerate representing elephants born without ball-bags, and following a failed attempt to charge a subscription fee to customers prepared to pay to punch Murdoch square in the nose, the decision was eventually made to excise the entire section of the business, rather than allow further illicit exploitation, piracy and copyright terrorism.

When questioned as to what purpose the resulting gap in his cranial portfolio might be turned, Murdoch suggested that he was tentatively considering offers from the adult entertainment market to employ his skull cavity as a giant fucking cunt.

• *pint* to Scott Lamb for the above

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MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE, Blind Idiot Heaven, Sunday (NNN) — Lloyd Blankfein, chairman and CEO of Goldman Sachs, says that “banks are doing God’s work,” comparable to Hurricane Katrina, the eruption of Krakatoa and the Tunguska event of 1908.

“There is a balance to all things,” said Mr Blankfein. “God created Heaven, and He also created the banking sector.”

Mr Blankfein points out that there are always business opportunities, even in the hard times. “The blood, the frogs, the lice, the flies, the livestock diseases, the boils, the hail and — of course — the locusts came about after the deregulation we lobbied for. But market efficiency has been increased, which is good for capitalism and therefore good for everyone. The darkness is strictly temporary for the duration of the mortgage on your firstborns unto the seventh generation.”

Goldman Sachs is set to pay a record £12 billion in salaries and bonuses this year. “It rewards our good work in creating investments so complex that not even we understand them. No blame, no shame! Past Avarice and through Wrath and Sloth, Heresy, Violence, Fraud and Treason! The suffering will wash away your sins! Praise the Lord!”

Recovery is expected through 2010. “The financial system led us into the crisis and it will lead us out. We have opened the Seventh Collateralised Debt Obligation of the Covenant and a mere one-third of the globe has collapsed, far less than our forecasts. What could possibly go wrong now? The way out is the way through! So if you could spare just a few billion dollars’ spare change, sir, for a latte and a burger, that would help us greatly, and God bless you sir, God bless you.”

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SKANKIES, Dependençia, Friday (NNN) — Rachel Christie, 21, winner of the Miss England beauty pageant, has had to retire from the title after a defeat in a nightclub brawl with Miss Manchester, Sara Jones, 24.

Miss Christie displayed the skills that led to her being crowned the queen of English womanhood and a suitable role-model for the flower of British youth by getting into a public nightclub punch-up with Miss Jones over “what that facking slut done with my boyfriend,” David McIntosh, a slab of beefcake famous for beating up other beefcake on Sky.

Miss Christie had made an excellent showing in the contest in the Vicious Catfight With Sharpened Heel contest, with the judges being particularly impressed with her underarm swing. Miss Jones had done surprisingly well in the contest with the Puking In Handbag After Ill-Considered 4am Kebab section, as well as the Falling Unconscious In A Skip round. Miss Christie was reportedly upset over Miss Jones’ “ten out of ten” showing in the Dangerously Psychotic Arsehole Bitch section after Miss Jones had broken into Mr McIntosh’s house and scrawled “SLAG” on the mirror in Miss Christie’s makeup.

Miss Christie has been replaced as Miss England by the runner-up, Lance Corporal Katrina “Combat Barbie” Hodge, 22, who says she knows better than to enter any Manchester nightclub without a rocket launcher. She also finds that people, male or female, are very polite and nice to her in pretty much all circumstances.

“Rachel will now concentrate on training for the 2012 Olympics,” her public relations people said today, “where she hopes for gold in the Case Of Alcopops Relay and the Shagging That Cow’s Boyfriend Herpathlon.”

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DAWKINS, Barking, Wednesday (NNN) — An executive has won the right to sue his employer on the basis that he was unfairly dismissed for his views after a judge ruled that his delusions of competence had the same weight in law as religious and philosophical beliefs under the 2003 Religion and Belief Regulations.

The unnamed executive is firmly convinced of his own superior workplace abilities and business and people management skills, despite the huge weight of evidence against such conclusions. His wife also testified as to his unsubstantiable belief in his superior musical taste and his faith-based dress sense. In a rare concession to reality, the man is under no illusion as to what little shits his children are.

Judge Michael Burton laid down a series of tests regarding such beliefs:

• The belief must be genuinely held;

• It must be a belief and not a mere opinion or view related to anything substantiable;
• It must relate to a weighty and substantial aspect of human life, despite a total lack of evidence;
• It must appear at least slightly coherent on the surface;
• It must not be mere odious fuckwittery;
• It must be obviously gibbering bullshit to anyone not already agreeing with it.

Humanism was given as an example meeting the criteria, while belief in a political party, except the Liberal Democrats or Ukip, were offered as ones that do not.

“It is clear,” he said in summing up, “that if firms started firing their executives for the mere fact of utter blithering incompetence, business as we know it could not go on. If such a criterion hit the banking sector, it could lead to a complete collapse of the financial system as we know it. Oh, wait.”

Home Secretary Alan Johnson has said he will shortly be suing Professor David Nutt under these rules if the entire scientific population of Great Britain does not cease and desist immediately from oppressing him with mere facts.

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TIN ARM ALLEY, Public NME, Friday (N! News) — After telling the others to fuck off several years ago, Robbie Williams has, after a string of epic failures, come grovelling back to Take That in the hope of enough income to pay for his, er, mineral water.

“Williams? I vaguely recall the name,” said Gary Barlow, leader of the band. “First name’s ‘Cunt,’ right? ‘Fuckhead’? ‘Shitstick’? Something like that.”

After the band’s reformation in 2005, Barlow successfully matured the former boy band’s sound and achieved two hit albums. “I understand there’s some twatrag who wants to rejoin Take That,” he spat. “I was inclined to courier him a turd in a box, but someone offered to back several dumptrucks filled with gold bullion up to our houses if we let the dogfucker on the same stage as us. He’ll have to start at the bottom, of course, but I’m sure there’s lots we can do to make him feel as welcome as he deserves.”

Williams discussed the reunion on Jonathan Ross this evening. “Gary’s just joshing. We’re getting on great — even when we weren’t speaking, he was keeping in touch, sending me press clippings of every Take That reunion chart position and sold-out arena show. I was even along on Mark Owen’s stag night. I’d thought it was traditional to tie the groom to a lamp post with a bucket on his head, his pants off and his cock painted bright red, but I took it in good spirits. Love the guys. Love ’em.”

A reunion tour may take place next year. “I’ve got Robbie’s rider sorted out,” said Barlow. “Ours is a suitable selection of wines, spirits and juices and I’ve got to check the portaloo outlet for his. Can’t wait to work with him again.”

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ARGLETON, Lancashire, Saturday (NNN) — A Google Maps error has created a phantom city: “Perth” in Western Australia, in what is in fact a completely empty space.

The mystery has locals so intrigued that a few have made the journey to the enigmatic spot. “I started to weave this amazing fantasy about the place,” said one intrepid local explorer, “an alternative universe, a Narnia-like world. I was really fascinated by the appearance of a non-existent place that the Internet had the power to make real and give a semi-existence.

“Of course, it’s inconceivable that an empty space on the map like that could have a city in it. Imagine what it’d be like living there. It’d be pleasant enough, but imagine growing up there, thousands of miles from civilisation. You’d go mad. It’d be like a J. G. Ballard story. The only people who could enjoy it would be deranged millionaires. Nice to retire to, though. I bet the drivers wouldn’t be able to tell left from right.”

Still, though “Perth” appears to be a town without residents, streets, coordinates or even a history, it has taken on a life of its own online. People put it as their place of residence on Facebook or Twitter. Others claim to come from there, always adding that they’re never going back. There are even films about the “vibrant” Perth indie music scene.

Google said in a statement today: “Google Maps data comes from a variety of data sources. While the vast majority of this information is correct there are occasional errors. Thankfully they’re quite obvious like this one. Why would anyone put a city there, of all places? Someone’s obviously having a lend of us.”

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SECURITY ZOETROPE, Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) A device claimed to “smell” human fear is being marketed as identifying terrorists by detecting “fear pheromones” in sweat.

“The challenge lies in the characterisation and identification of the specific chemical that gives away the signature of human fear,” said project leader Professor Tong Sun of City University, “especially the fear of losing funding for security theatre. If we can reliably detect this fear, we should be able to land some eyewateringly lucrative contracts in the very near future.”

The research is funded by the Home Office. “The project relies on a government with a firm commitment to policy-based science, but the Tories look as craven over David Nutt’s firing as Labour, so we should be coining it in for a good while yet.”

The technology will assist airport security officers in picking out suitable subjects. Sensors can reliably detect if someone is a bit brown, or a bit foreign-looking, or has a non-Anglo-Saxon name, or if they might be thinking of giving cheek to security officers. It will work in conjunction with the millimetre-wave “naked” radar, currently used to identify terrorist subjects with large breasts.

The false positive rate will be only 5% on a terrorist detection rate of 1 in 100,000, meaning only 99.95% of subjects flagged will be a complete waste of time to finger up the arse with a latex glove. “But we’re sure the government will agree that mere statistical evidence is meaningless in the face of the vital necessity to send the right message,” said Prof Sun, “that if you make trouble the government will quite literally forcibly fuck you in the arse until you bleed. So just shut the fuck up and keep giving us money.”

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ISLINGTON, Socialist Republic of North London, Tuesday (NNN) — President Barack Obama, Bill Gates and Bono are being invited to back a “vague middle-class interest portal” website, Hope Plus, to promote social politics.

“A global eBay-PeaceCorps-wiki-social-media-network-community-thingy is absolutely the most useful thing the modern world could have right now,” says founder Phil Noble of PoliticsOnline. “We already have lots of pictures of smiling African children.”

Mr Noble was inspired by his previous work for the BBC. “If we can tap into that Guardian demographic, we should be able to get people to really feel they’re doing their bit for the world, reducing their carbon footprint, cutting the poisons out of our air, water and food and feeding and educating the hungry by clicking on a website. People are good at clicking on stuff. We might even have some online petitions!“

The initiative is being bolstered by seed money from Microsoft. “I’ve long held that giving the poor the finest of our technology and the highest quality patented seeds is the way to advance everyone’s interests,” said Mr Gates, “particularly my own. I mean, my charity’s.” U2 has donated another copy of the bassline they have used on their last eight albums.

The Daily Mail will be starting Grumpy Plus, a portal for people to show their support for everything being so much worse than when they were young and everyone was polite and helpful and beat Hitler and you didn’t have to worry about coloured gay Polish asylum seekers ruining the price of your house. The Mail’s demographic is not as Internet-enabled, so the site will work by people mailing in coupons from the paper.

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DAS BUNKER, Westminster, Monday — Adolf Hitler has apologised for any “upset” caused by a “clumsily” worded e-mail, comparing his treatment to that of MPs over their expenses.

Mr Hitler, the Chancellor of Germany, made the apology after Roosevelt and Churchill had pointed out that comparing himself to David Wilshire, Tory MP for Spelthorne, was “frankly ludicrous”.

In his email response to subsequent correspondence, which he said had included death threats, Mr Hitler wrote: “The witch-hunt against Nazis in general will undermine democracy. Branding a whole group of people as undesirables led to the horror and carnage of the MP expenses scandal.”

He apologised for “comparing myself to an odious entitled twat like that Wilshire wanker — at least I didn’t pay half my bloody salary to Eva as a ‘researcher,’” but said he felt a bit put out that his hard work for German lebensraum and really good motorways was completely underappreciated. “I could show MPs how to live off bloody rations, mate.”

Mr Hitler was forced to announce last month that he would step down as leader of the Third Reich.

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PAGE 3, Wapping, Saturday (Mediocre Grauniad) — Your Super Soaraway Sun! comes out today against DISGRACEBOOK, the vile “social networking” system used by perverts, murderers, paedos, Catholic priests, Guardian readers, Labour ministers and other SICK FILTH.

Your Sun has mounted a FULL INVESTIGATION into the Facebook DEN OF INIQUITY, with an intrepid Sun journalist risking his life and reputation going into the front-line of fire on the site, posing as an ordinary person and yet securing several SERIOUSLY DIRTY afternoon liaisons with previously decent and innocent young ladies (pictures on pages 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12) — all carefully verified as being just over sixteen — so as to courageously root out this CYBER-FOULNESS.

The Sun can reveal that Farcebook has NO flagging mechanism to filter out PERVERTS, MURDERERS and FRAUDSTERS, unlike socially responsible places for friends such as the family-friendly MySpace network.

“Facebook DISGUSTS any decent British person,” says Luscious Lucy, 19, of Sheppey, in her editorial opinion column on page 3 today. “MYSPACE is a much more decent, wholesome and PATRIOTIC place to meet people. I’d never let my family anywhere else. Here’s my perky, puffy nipples on the site, in case you’re not sure.”

Even our NEXT PRIME MINISTER Dave “DAVE” Cameron agrees. “Yes, I saw about Facebook on Sky News. We’ve consulted with relevant senior media figures, and will be looking into severely restricting Facebook’s odious operations in the UK and requiring MySpace for widest possible public access to government services. I’m also told there’s an excellent service called Delphi that the British people should be encouraged to use. Toodle pip!”

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