News of the News

THE WHITE HOUSE, Tehran, Sunday (NNN) — Controversy reigns after the Iranian election on Saturday, in which incumbent President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was re-elected with a landslide 63% of the vote and returns from all districts precisely matched Government pre-poll predictions.

Mr Ahmadinejad credits his win to democratic methods perfected by George W. Bush. “We fully understand the international community’s desires to see that Iran’s democracy transparently works to the highest standards found in other nations. Mr Bush’s work has been exemplary.”

The “hanging chad” technique has been particularly effective. “Rounding up opposition voters, politicians and journalists named Chad and hanging them. In those cases where the opposition insurgent was not named Chad, we of course took care to change their names to Chad posthumously. Democratic procedures must not only be observed, they must be seen to be observed.”

“I stand one hundred per cent behind my brother Mahmoud,” said Supreme Leader Ali Khameini Rove of the Project for a New Iranian Century. “Occasionally with his mouth moving in time with the movements of my hand. Clever, isn’t it?”

Mr Ahmadinejad has been condemned by some as a “lunatic redneck” and “a gibbering madman perilously close to the nuclear button.” “These charges are most unfair. When I declaimed the necessity of obliterating and deleting the unnameable Zionist entity with cleansing atomic fire, it was implicit in these statements that we would need to reach a resolution to undertake such action through proper procedures of international diplomacy. Mr Bush’s excellent work in decapitating Saddam Hussein’s odious regime shows the way forward in this regard.”

“We stand in solidarity with the Iranian people,” said President-in-Exile Al Gore from his cave high in the mountains of Afghanistan. “For my own part, I will never give up the fight to take back America and Iran from the Republican counterrevolutionaries and will not rest until all Americans and Iranians breathe the free air of socialism … what? Democrats elected? Huh, next you’ll try telling me the President’s black. You can’t fool me! Back where you came from!”

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INIQUITY, Macau, Tuesday (NNN) — Kim Jong-nam, the eldest son of North Korean Dear Leader Kim Jong-il, has confirmed reports of his younger brother Kim Jong-un succeeding his father, in an interview with Japanese NTV.

“The appointment of a successor is totally my father’s decision. Jong-un is certainly the man for the job. Chip off the old block, he is. Who wouldn’t want to inherit somewhere in as good shape as North Korea? Fantastic past, fantastic present, fantastic future. Who wouldn’t choose military parades and announcing a 30% increase in mud pie production over drinking, whoring and gambling? I’m sure there’ll be no war crimes trials for the lucky fellow in the hot seat when the hollow shell collapses. Because it won’t, of course. And isn’t hollow. We just feel the rest of the world isn’t ready to share the bountiful socialist wealth flowing from our policy of Juche. Of course!”

Kim Jong-nam denied reports he had defected or was living in exile. “Macau and China are great places. Not as great as North Korea, of course! No, no. I just like it here.”

There has been much speculation over who would follow Mr Kim, who is thought to have suffered a stroke last year. North Korean officials were reportedly told to support Kim Jong-un after the North’s 25 May nuclear test. “Certainly I haven’t heard of any purges or midnight executions of perceived supporters of mine. Because I’m not seeking any. Or the job. No, no, Jong-un’s your fellow. Fabulous bloke. ’Scuse me, just got to look up departure times for planes to Xinjiang Province, or perhaps deepest Siberia. Lovely to catch you, must do lunch, love ya babe!”

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SHAOLIN, Bangkok, Thursday (NNN) — Actor David Carradine has been found dead at age 72, quite definitely of a tragic suicide or horrifying murder, in the closet of a Thai hotel room with a rope around his neck and, apparently, other initially-unspecified parts of his body.

Tributes poured in from around the world as publicity was issued talking about his depressions and suicidal thoughts. Police were initially seeking Uma Thurman for questioning. However, they have now determined they will be neglecting their duty, slanderously putting the death down to an unfortunate and embarrassing misadventure on the part of Mr Carradine.

“We are shocked and appalled,” said his management. “These insinuations are an unacceptable slight on Mr Carradine’s noble character. There was, after all, no tangerine present. It is clear that Ms Thurman snuck into his room, stopped his heart with a series of one-inch punches, cunningly arranged his body and edited his Wikipedia entry such as to defame his memory.”

The estate of Michael Hutchence will be suing, on general principles.

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GRASS MUD HORSE, Tiananmen, Tuesday (NNN) — BT, Britain’s biggest broadband supplier, has thoughtfully averted complete congestion of the Internet by throttling all use of the Internet on its cheapest broadband package.

Customers on the I Can’t Believe It’s Eight Megabits package have all Internet data flow cut off entirely under its “fair use” clause during “peak periods,” defined as being between the hours of 12:00 midnight and 11:59pm. “However,” said a customer service telephone voice menu, “the connection itself runs at the full eight megabits the entire time. That we guarantee absolutely.”

BT has recently sold the technology to China, where it was put into operation today, blocking Twitter, Blogger, Microsoft Bob Hope and the live webcam of the coffee pot at Cambridge University. “We will not put up with the drop in productivity social networking sites cause,” said a spokesrivercrab. “After the terrible onslaught of blue screens at the Olympics, we will stop at nothing to protect patriotic citizens from the influence of Microsoft. And they love us for it. Just find one who doesn’t!”

“Besides,” said the BT phone menu, “we’re still better than Virgin. A high bar to aim for, I know. But you get such better fail whales over a phone line than a cable.”

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KIM’S HAPPY PLACE, Pyongyang, Wednesday (NNN) — North Korea has threatened to carry out nuclear missile tests unless the UN Security Council apologises for its “unseemly snickering” at their recent rocket launch falling into the sea.

“The communications satellite was successfully launched and is fulfilling its mission, sending transmissions from Pacific Ocean life in deep space,” a Pyongyang communiqué said today. “If the UN does not take back its grievous slanders, we will be forced to retaliate with the full force of our mighty nuclear arsenal. Our dad will beat up your dad too.”

North Korea conducted its first and only nuclear test in 2006, described as “completely successful” and “revealing new dimensions in gunpowder science.”

North Korea’s foreign ministry also said “the UN should apologise for infringing our sovereignty, retract all its resolutions and decisions against us and stop being big meanies. It’s so unfair!”

It also announced plans to build a light-water nuclear reactor, a domestic robot, a flying car and a “really cool thing we haven’t finished drawing yet, but expect to have ready soon as our great nation continues to make tremendous advances in crayon science.”

Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il announced a glorious 30% increase in industrial output and a 35% increase in food production as the cardboard ran out and the factories started shaping raw contaminated mud into loaves. South Korea sighed at the news and looked forward to a peace dividend similar to that reaped by Germany in 1990 when the North finally collapses and they have to clean up the mess.

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VIVISECTOR, Furtopia, Thursday (NotScientist) — A small dinosaur that once roamed northeastern China was covered with a stiff, hairlike fuzz, which suggests that anthropomorphic perversion evolved much earlier than thought — even before the Internet.

Scientists had previously identified kitten ears and fake whiskers on otherwise-cute women. But the “dinosaur furries” are only distantly related to catgirls, and may herald a horrifying new realm of things man was not meant to know.

The creature, Fursecutus dramaticii, walked on two legs and had a long tail. And a large penis. And huge breasts. Six of them. Really. Not meant to know.

Yiff Therianthrope, the one scientist on the team who did not spork his eyes out immediately upon making the find, has reported on the discovery in this month’s Journal of 4chanic Studies, including his own artistic reconstructions of the creatures, lovingly rendered in crayon on brown paper, eschewing such oppressive bourgeois affectations as knowledge of perspective or anatomy and sold on Furbid for several hundred dollars each.

Creationist groups have experienced a tremendous boost in membership, particularly the Westboro Baptist Church and their godhatesfurries.com website. “If we ever wanted proof that ‘evilution’ was the work of Satan,” said Sir Frederick Phelps, knighted after his recent Nobel Peace Prize, “dinosaur furverts are it. Pogroms and concentration camps are the only sane response. Remember: if anyone tries to tell you that hermaphrodite lizard sodomy is only right and natural, just answer: ‘But you are a furry.’”

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HIGH STREET, Peshawar, Friday (NNN) — The Home Office has expressed its grave concern at a CIA report claiming that Osama bin Laden is not at the centre of Al-Qaeda of late.

“This is an outrage up with which the British people shall not put,” said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. “If Al-Qaeda were in fact merely small groups of malcontents in groups on the Pakistani border, worried that Barack Obama would be too nice for their recruitment prospects, there would be no need for all our plans. Which is, of course, ridiculous.”

“lol its simple,” said thesun.co.uk forum commentator tim_osman_663. “tax barrick obama bin larden out of his cave. send sum haringay social werkers aroun, theyll giv him a cup o tea. IF YOU GOT NUTHIN IN YOR CAVE YOU GOT NUTHIN TO HIDE. End Of!!”

Ms Smith stressed the necessity of the Government’s identity card scheme, noting that the proposed laws specifically required terrorists from the back country of Pakistan to present their cards upon the request of a policeman, or when suspected of lurking under the beds of our proud innocent British womenfolk.

The CIA reiterated that “the war is far from over” and bin Laden remained the greatest imaginable threat to the USA. “We’re sure we can convince Mr Obama of this, even as we failed to convince Jack Kennedy. If you know what I mean.”

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