News of the News

AUSTRALIAN GLADIATORS, Sky None, Monday (Mediocre Grauniad) — In an exclusive interview with one of his employees, Rupert Murdoch announced that it was time to draw a line in the sand in his constant battle to frustrate freeloading consumers by scheduling extensive rhinoplasty.

As the logical extension of his intent to improve monetization of his global media empire, an aggressive research team, led by his own grubby, questing index finger (itself a semi-autonomous publicly traded subsidiary of ArmCorp) had discovered a hitherto unprofitable branch of Mr Murdoch’s own face and immediately set to analysing the potential in the “streaming content” market.

“Thanks to the pervasive and anarchic medium of light and an endemic, unscrupulous approach to photon-consumption,” said Mr Murdoch to a camera he owned, “the public have been stealing — we believe it is theft — visible spectra which carry a representation of my nose. When I consent to an interview, a TV appearance or a personal meeting with an individual, we are entering into a contract in which I am licensing access to me, Rupert Murdoch, a highly lucrative and profitable range of properties and services.

“For too long, people have been content to pay only for access to my thoughts, speech or round-the-clock footage of the contents of my bowels — via the Times, Sky and Fox News respectively — while stealing valuable images of my nose, its nostrils and their contents, then rebroadcasting and shamelessly profiteering.

“When a reporter negotiates an interview with me, as well as broadcasting the material he has licensed legitimately, he frequently steals additional content without permission. Telling another reporter down the pub ‘I just interviewed that arsehole Murdoch, what a leathery-faced, jowly, big-nosed, offensive wanker he is’ is time-shifting and re-disseminating unlicensed intellectual property. Commentary based upon my opinions is legitimate as paid output from the premium outlet of my mouth. Any entertainment derived from the rest of my face is theft, pure and simple. There is no such thing as fair use.”

The interview itself took place on Sky Channel 149, a pioneering venture to broadcast 24-hour footage of the view from Mr Murdoch’s bathroom cabinet. In line with Mr Murdoch’s policy of preferring fewer paying customers and no freeloaders, Sky 149 has precisely one subcriber, with Mr Murdoch himself paying himself hundreds of thousands of dollars each month for access, for the purpose of shaving.

Having successfully franchised out his forehead, jowls and cheeks to a conglomerate representing elephants born without ball-bags, and following a failed attempt to charge a subscription fee to customers prepared to pay to punch Murdoch square in the nose, the decision was eventually made to excise the entire section of the business, rather than allow further illicit exploitation, piracy and copyright terrorism.

When questioned as to what purpose the resulting gap in his cranial portfolio might be turned, Murdoch suggested that he was tentatively considering offers from the adult entertainment market to employ his skull cavity as a giant fucking cunt.

• *pint* to Scott Lamb for the above

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ARGLETON, Lancashire, Saturday (NNN) — A Google Maps error has created a phantom city: “Perth” in Western Australia, in what is in fact a completely empty space.

The mystery has locals so intrigued that a few have made the journey to the enigmatic spot. “I started to weave this amazing fantasy about the place,” said one intrepid local explorer, “an alternative universe, a Narnia-like world. I was really fascinated by the appearance of a non-existent place that the Internet had the power to make real and give a semi-existence.

“Of course, it’s inconceivable that an empty space on the map like that could have a city in it. Imagine what it’d be like living there. It’d be pleasant enough, but imagine growing up there, thousands of miles from civilisation. You’d go mad. It’d be like a J. G. Ballard story. The only people who could enjoy it would be deranged millionaires. Nice to retire to, though. I bet the drivers wouldn’t be able to tell left from right.”

Still, though “Perth” appears to be a town without residents, streets, coordinates or even a history, it has taken on a life of its own online. People put it as their place of residence on Facebook or Twitter. Others claim to come from there, always adding that they’re never going back. There are even films about the “vibrant” Perth indie music scene.

Google said in a statement today: “Google Maps data comes from a variety of data sources. While the vast majority of this information is correct there are occasional errors. Thankfully they’re quite obvious like this one. Why would anyone put a city there, of all places? Someone’s obviously having a lend of us.”

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ANOTHER INFINITE LOOP, Cupertino, Monday (NNN) — In its latest move to protect the consumer and, of course, its valuable intellectual property and reputation, Apple has brought a trademark violation suit in Australia against nature.

“The violations are all over trees, sometimes orchards full of them,” said Steve Jobs today. “And not a compatible USB connection to iTunes in sight! We feel this is grossly deceptive and misleading.” Apple has already sent legal letters to several supermarkets and greengrocers.

Apple’s legal challenge attempts to prevent nature from using an imitation of its famous logo. The company is upset by nature having exercised a blanket trademark that would allow it to put “apples” anywhere it pleased, in any of the forty-five trademark categories in Australian law. “It’s as if they think it’s a generic word!”

”While we can’t rule anything out,” said Metatron, the voice of Almighty God, “we haven’t got any further market plans at the moment. We had enough trouble bringing apples back into favour after we started the clothing market, not to mention the entire basis of economics, six thousand years ago. And I’m an angel, you idiot, not a Transformer. Didn’t you see me in Dogma?”

Macintosh users quickly rallied behind the company, Daniel Eran Dilger writing a 75,000-word Roughly Drafted article weighing Apple’s trademark defence against Almighty God’s “bigoted and homophobic attack” on Sodom and Gomorrah.

Almighty God Himself said he had considered the issue. “But as long as … that guy … can get new livers, I’m a bit at a loss as to what to reasonably attempt next.”

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TOO FAR DOWN UNDER, Marketers At Work, Saturday (NNN) — In the quarter-final ad break of the Australian Football League grand final, Kraft has revealed the winning entry in the competition to name its new spreadable Vegemite cream cheese mix: Axle Grease Shit 2.0.

The winning name was submitted by Dean Robbins, 27, of 129 Cowle Street, West Perth, Western Australia 6005. “What? Won? Fuck off. Really? Oh Jesus. I just thought it was funny. Look, we were really fuckin’ stoned, right? The big jars make great bongs. It gets really dull in Perth. Just don’t print my name or where I live, all right?”

Acclaim for the new name has been universal. “Lean customer engagement value justification social media benchmarking personalized interconnected sincere voice user-directed market identity,” said Kraft marketing marketer Simon Talbot. “Strategic promotainment visibility ‘wow’-factor network actionable content optimisation wiki analytics B2E brandstorming corporate DNA semantic mapping please dear Lord stop me before I kill again Obama effect synergy ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn research embedding. We even have the theme song:”

I said, do you spikka my language?
He just smiled and chundered Axle Grease Shit 2.0 all over me.

Colin Hay from Men At Work has reprised his most famous song for the commercial, but did want it noted that it was only because he was desperate for the cash and that he would be ritually killing himself immediately after the recording. “I might throw myself into a vat of Axle Grease Shit 2.0. There’s nothing like it!™”

Later ads have licenced an old Shell Oil jingle:

When the going’s hard
Don’t retard
Remember your lubrication.

“Actually, I might wait for Axle Grease Shit 2.0.1,” said Hay. “Dot-zero releases never work right.”

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BRITAIN’S GOT CHRONIC AMBITION, Minus Talent, Tuesday (N! News) — Second-string actress, second-string pop singer, second-string X Factor judge and sister of someone famous for actual star quality Dannii Minogue claims she has stopped using Botox, the wrinkle-beating injection that paralyses and relaxes facial muscles.

Her decision comes after public criticism for her alleged lack of facial expression on the X Factor, hence insufficient visible disgust with Simon Cowell.

Ms Minogue revealed in an interview that she is now ready for a more natural look. “Thor os so moch prossure on womon,” she told Aging Bimbo magazine. “Off you con bo hoppy woth yoursolf, thot’s tho morn thong.”

Her facial muscles will be operated using wires hooked to the same mains connection that powers the rest of her body. “Tho orms, tho logs, tho loght-op solocone brosts woth MP3 ployor. Ot’s oll good.”

Ms Minogue says almost everyone she knows has had Botox. “Oxcopt Choryl Cole. Sho’s not smort onough to work hor foce onywoy.”

She dismisses the notion that Botox use is somehow unusual. “To moy, Botox os no more onosoal thon toothposte. Thot’s whoy O tolk loke thos.”

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FUCK THE MILLENNIUM, Arsenal, Thursday (NNN) — Wikipedia, the world’s fourth most popular website, has prominently featured the article “Gropecunt Lane,” a mediæval English name for a town’s prostitution district, on its front page today.

“The article has been voted one of the two thousand best on Wikipedia,” said Mark Pellegrini, the English Wikipedia Featured Articles Dictator. “The treatment is sober, academic and entirely educational in nature. Also, cunt.”

According to the article, the word “cunt” has been used for female genitalia in English since the year 1230, being considered increasingly obscene since the 1500s. The word comes from the Ancient Egyptian “qefen-t,” meaning “queef.” In The Miller’s Tale, Geoffrey Chaucer writes “And prively he caughte hire by the queynte” — the origin of the saying “how quaint.” Later noted usage includes John McCain’s paean of praise to his wife as plastering her makeup on “like a trollop, you goddamn cunt.” The article concludes by noting that BUSH IS GAY LOLOLOL.

Employers around the world have taken this as their excuse to block Wikipedia so people can get on with real work, such as Facebook and Twitter. The BBC News At One reported the incident with the introduction “Good afternoon and cunt.” Monocle-wearing 4chan users have started the Campaign for Real Cunts “to restore the old street names and bring back this piece of sadly vandalised British heritage.” The Internet Watch Foundation’s website has collapsed under the load of everyone going to report Wikipedia, just to say “hi and fuck you.”

The featuring of the word “cunt” on the world’s top educational site is part of an ongoing programme to avert Internet censorship by communicating to children that swearing and sex in the streets are boring, tedious and annoying things that old people do. “It’s brilliant!” said Australian Senator Steven Fielding. “With luck, we can make knowledge itself and the whole ungodly Enlightenment programme un-’cool’ as well. Also, uh, ‘ca-arnt.’”

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THE END TIMES, Canberra, one hundred light-years behind (NotScientist) — A two-hour meeting with Australia’s Chief Scientist Penny Sackett has failed to convince Family First Senator Steven Fielding that human activity is the main cause of climate change.

Senator Fielding also expressed scepticism concerning chemistry, physics, evolution and the “Galilean heresies” concerning the Earth and the Sun and was not entirely sure of this new-fangled “arithmetic” or its place in our schools. He was unimpressed by Dr Sackett’s “evasions” when he questioned her. “When I asked her ‘why do carbon emissions only prove the Earth is six thousand years old and we’ll all have gone to Heaven in the Rapture by the time it becomes a problem?’, she wanted to rephrase my question and not answer it. Then she’d bang her head on the wall, I don’t know why.”

Senator Fielding has recently returned from a fact-finding mission to the United States, where he met with several climate change sceptics and Discovery Institute scientists who revealed to him how “magic beans” were responsible for temperature rises. “We also established that homosexuality causes greenhouse gases. But if we can filter the carbon dioxide at the Internet, apparently, we should be able to stop it dead in its tracks.”

The Government’s prospects of getting its carbon trading scheme through the Senate this fortnight rest with Senator Fielding and other crossbench senators who hold the balance of power. The Greens and Independent Senator Nick Xenophon also refused to back the scheme, but are thought to understand basic logic and mathematics and so may have objections that do not cause neural injury to contemplate.

The Australian Senate is elected by proportional representation per state. Senator Fielding represents those constituents, otherwise discriminated against, who remain climate change sceptics, evolution sceptics, ten-finger sceptics, outbreeding sceptics and walking upright sceptics.

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SHE’LL BE ROIGHT MATE, Ey Dingeau Eyt Mey Interweb, Tuesday (NNN) — Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has announced that the Australian government will build a new $43 billion national broadband network, connecting 90% of homes to 100-megabit fibre internet. “We believe that fast broadband is absolutely essential for our nation’s future”, he said.

“Telstra has raised issues with the amount of bandwidth usage this will produce, given we’re still hooked to America by tin cans and string, but our Great Firewall of Australia Internet filtering project should keep usage down to reasonable levels at near-dialup speeds. We promise you won’t go over your download cap.”

The Great Firewall will reliably block all illegal material, child pornography, terrorism and unAustralian thoughts.

“Not only are the contents of the list illegal,” said Senator Stephen Conroy, ” but revealing the list is also illegal, and so is linking to someone linking to someone claiming to reveal the list. So we’re blocking Google Search. Having to use Anzwers should keep usage right down.”

Calling it, the “single largest infrastructure decision in Australia’s
history,” Mr Rudd said the project would employ up to 37,000 people a year monitoring citizens’ net access, reading their email and correcting spelling errors in their football forum posts.

A consultative process will determine the regulatory framework for the network. “We’re considering getting Senator Fielding to do it personally,” said Senator Conroy, “since he’s the dickhead who demanded the censorship in return for his votes. Hopefully it’ll melt his brain. Bloody balance of power. At least Xenophon’s bloody sane.”

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Guest post by Andrew Bolt

It scares us stupid that random evil exists — and in people who can look as normal as our neighbours, even as they try to sabotage the machinery of civilisation. No wonder we now hear pathetic theories from global warming activist soft cocks to explain Josef Fritzl as a “blot on the Australian psyche” and “a mere aberration.”

The evil of greenie fire-lighting tree-buggering climate Nazis is boundless. Much more comforting to think there are reasons. But Josef Fritzl is not a product of a culture, but of a malignant biochemistry we do not understand, or ascribe simply to a lack of health-giving chemicals in our air and water.

That’s not what people want to hear — that in our streets lived Fritzl, capable of imprisoning his daughter in a cellar lit by energy-efficient bulbs, burning down Victoria and trying to stop you owning a four-wheel drive. But perhaps it’s the only thing we can learn from the Fritzl case — the only lesson that may just leave our children safer and ready for a world with vastly improved weather.

Evil can occur anywhere, and sometimes in people who wash and don’t have dreadlocks. We cannot let this realisation overwhelm us, but we can and must not be so trusting as to believe the devil is stuck in Australia. The cries you hear from next door may be his work, too. Pay heed.

Andrew Bolt’s book Still An Arrogant Small-Minded Suburban Cock is available through Hiedler-Collins, $19.95.

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