News of the News

SNOW CRASH, The Metaverse, Wednesday (NNGadget) — US Air Force General Kevin Chilton, head of US Strategic Command, has said that attacks on the United States via the Internet could merit a conventional military response.

“I don’t think you take anything off the table. We’re particularly looking toward one group in Seattle.”

The Seattle-based insurgent group is thought to have seeded American government and military computers with millions of copies of malware that allows attackers easy access to any data stored on the computer, or indeed to take complete control of the computer and use it for their own ends as part of a massive “botnet” to mount further attacks. The malware, “Windows,” makes securing a computer running it almost impossible.

“Turning Seattle into a glass crater would only be undertaken strictly as the minimum required surgical military action,” emphasised Chilton, “and not in any way out of twenty-five years’ bitter resentment and frustration at computing machinery.”

Chilton stressed that members of the US military must begin to think of their computers as the front lines. “Do you realize that in addition to adding Windows to computers, why, there are studies underway to Windowsize salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk … ice cream. Ice cream, Mandrake, children’s ice cream! I can no longer sit back and allow Windows infiltration, Windows indoctrination, Windows subversion and the international enterprise licensing conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids!”

The Obama administration is currently reviewing the United State’s cyberspace defense policy. “We’re considering all options thoroughly,” said the President, closing his MacBook and looking lingeringly at the red button on his desk.

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MELLIE, Newcastle, Thursday (NNN) — Gigabytes and gigabytes of pornography and highly sensitive login details for gentleman’s art sites were bought by a US military missile air defence base second-hand on eBay.

The collected fine artworks of young women in a state of natural aesthetic presentation were found on a hard disk for the SPLORT (Super-Powered Less Obviously Retronymed Thing) ground to air missile defence system, used to shoot down Scud Mag missiles in Iraq.

Dr Andy Jones, a researcher at the base, said “This is the fourth time we have carried out this research and it is clear that records left on hard disks are the twenty-first century equivalent of random pornographic magazines found in bushes and parks by masturbation-crazed eleven year old boys. PHWOAR, LOOK AT THE TITS ON THAT ONE! I’m sorry, I’m just reviewing a birdwatching site. Fabulous display of Cyanistes cæruleus.

“Of significant concern is the number of large organisations that are still not disposing of confidential information in a secure manner. Thank fuck.”

The disk also contained site passwords, credit card numbers and 18 USC 2257 information on … “prospective military contractors,” Dr Jones quickly interjected. “Really. Prospective contractors. We’re getting in touch with them right away.”

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KIM’S HAPPY PLACE, Pyongyang, Wednesday (NNN) — North Korea has threatened to carry out nuclear missile tests unless the UN Security Council apologises for its “unseemly snickering” at their recent rocket launch falling into the sea.

“The communications satellite was successfully launched and is fulfilling its mission, sending transmissions from Pacific Ocean life in deep space,” a Pyongyang communiqué said today. “If the UN does not take back its grievous slanders, we will be forced to retaliate with the full force of our mighty nuclear arsenal. Our dad will beat up your dad too.”

North Korea conducted its first and only nuclear test in 2006, described as “completely successful” and “revealing new dimensions in gunpowder science.”

North Korea’s foreign ministry also said “the UN should apologise for infringing our sovereignty, retract all its resolutions and decisions against us and stop being big meanies. It’s so unfair!”

It also announced plans to build a light-water nuclear reactor, a domestic robot, a flying car and a “really cool thing we haven’t finished drawing yet, but expect to have ready soon as our great nation continues to make tremendous advances in crayon science.”

Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il announced a glorious 30% increase in industrial output and a 35% increase in food production as the cardboard ran out and the factories started shaping raw contaminated mud into loaves. South Korea sighed at the news and looked forward to a peace dividend similar to that reaped by Germany in 1990 when the North finally collapses and they have to clean up the mess.

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NOVEMBER SURPRISE, Pennsylvania, Monday (NNN) — Ali Hamza al-Bahlul, accused of being Osama Bin Laden’s media secretary, has been convicted by a US military jury at the Guantánamo Bay detention centre.

He is the second prisoner to face a war crimes trial under a specially-created system of military commissions that Republican activists and lawyers have praised as working efficiently to reach the correct answer.

“This is the finest justice the military can buy,” said Still-President George W. Bush. “It took us a speedy six years to securely convict him in a military court with a jury of army officers. The world can rest assured we’re not just tidying up loose ends or nothing.”

The goverment was quick to assure the press that this display of American might would cause the cowering, cowardly Al-Qaeda to just give up and go home.

“I want to leave a really good legacy for my successor,” said Mr Bush.

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DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC-PRIVATE PARTNERSHIP, Whitehall.co.uk, Saturday (NNN) — Defence and equipment minister Quentin Bailey has said he is “horrified” by accusations the government has been “cavalier” with soldiers’ lives by not giving them proper equipment.

“I recently visited Afghanistan,” said Mr Davies, “and 100 per cent of those selected to speak to me said they were now satisfied with their equipment.”

Recent advances include the new EDS Capita Goatse Stinger™ Kill-O-Tron™ Personal Missile, a simple yet effective device consisting of a sharpened point, a long thin shaft and stabilisers at the back. “We use only ‘green’ renewable power for the device, which is propelled using energy from the operator.”

The new “Flintstone” Land Rover, driven by sticking one’s boots through the floor and running, is current standard equipment. The canvas canopy has been especially strengthened for Afghan conditions.

The Ministry has also recently unveiled its new close-combat weapon, the Personal Lithic Projectile, for dispatch at the enemy on a direct hand-to-hand level with comprehensive individual control and discretion. Similar wooden projectiles are also available.

“The notion that the Ministry of Defence is indifferent to the need to get the right kit into the theatre is a travesty of reality. Next you’ll be suggesting that we provide whatever rubbish our PFI suppliers want to sell in the hope of a juicy consultancy after 2010.

“To show our bona fides, we shall be sending Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand over for an entertainment tour. The Satanic Sluts declined, for some reason. Please don’t feel you have to send them back, of course.”

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