News of the News

THE WHORELY ARMS, Primrose Hill, Monday (N! News) — Formerly talented singer Amy Winehouse spent Sunday night in hospital, reportedly falling ill after her blood medication level dropped below saturation levels.

“Amy took an over-the-toilet-sink preparation for a cold,” said some money-grubbing scrote willing to make up complete bollocks for a journalist, “or something to do with her nose, anyway. But evidently she ran short. She’s making damn sure this never happens again.”

The singer recently had her breasts replaced with cyborg implants containing laser cannons, a GPS tracker to find her way home from the pub and a paparazzi detector that automatically exposes them to camera lenses. She has reportedly been considering a second boob job, to get back the figure she had before becoming a drug hoover, buttock implants, brain implants and clue implants, though there is fear her personality may reject these. She has been working on redesigning her nose from the inside, as well as scribbling on designer freckles with a sharpie.

She is also planning a children’s doll based on her new polymer bodywork. “I think I’m a role model for young girls these days,” she said. “They act a lot like me, especially on Saturday nights.”

Ms Winehouse is currently recording her third album, evidently by phone.

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SKANKIES, Dependençia, Friday (NNN) — Rachel Christie, 21, winner of the Miss England beauty pageant, has had to retire from the title after a defeat in a nightclub brawl with Miss Manchester, Sara Jones, 24.

Miss Christie displayed the skills that led to her being crowned the queen of English womanhood and a suitable role-model for the flower of British youth by getting into a public nightclub punch-up with Miss Jones over “what that facking slut done with my boyfriend,” David McIntosh, a slab of beefcake famous for beating up other beefcake on Sky.

Miss Christie had made an excellent showing in the contest in the Vicious Catfight With Sharpened Heel contest, with the judges being particularly impressed with her underarm swing. Miss Jones had done surprisingly well in the contest with the Puking In Handbag After Ill-Considered 4am Kebab section, as well as the Falling Unconscious In A Skip round. Miss Christie was reportedly upset over Miss Jones’ “ten out of ten” showing in the Dangerously Psychotic Arsehole Bitch section after Miss Jones had broken into Mr McIntosh’s house and scrawled “SLAG” on the mirror in Miss Christie’s makeup.

Miss Christie has been replaced as Miss England by the runner-up, Lance Corporal Katrina “Combat Barbie” Hodge, 22, who says she knows better than to enter any Manchester nightclub without a rocket launcher. She also finds that people, male or female, are very polite and nice to her in pretty much all circumstances.

“Rachel will now concentrate on training for the 2012 Olympics,” her public relations people said today, “where she hopes for gold in the Case Of Alcopops Relay and the Shagging That Cow’s Boyfriend Herpathlon.”

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TIN ARM ALLEY, Public NME, Friday (N! News) — After telling the others to fuck off several years ago, Robbie Williams has, after a string of epic failures, come grovelling back to Take That in the hope of enough income to pay for his, er, mineral water.

“Williams? I vaguely recall the name,” said Gary Barlow, leader of the band. “First name’s ‘Cunt,’ right? ‘Fuckhead’? ‘Shitstick’? Something like that.”

After the band’s reformation in 2005, Barlow successfully matured the former boy band’s sound and achieved two hit albums. “I understand there’s some twatrag who wants to rejoin Take That,” he spat. “I was inclined to courier him a turd in a box, but someone offered to back several dumptrucks filled with gold bullion up to our houses if we let the dogfucker on the same stage as us. He’ll have to start at the bottom, of course, but I’m sure there’s lots we can do to make him feel as welcome as he deserves.”

Williams discussed the reunion on Jonathan Ross this evening. “Gary’s just joshing. We’re getting on great — even when we weren’t speaking, he was keeping in touch, sending me press clippings of every Take That reunion chart position and sold-out arena show. I was even along on Mark Owen’s stag night. I’d thought it was traditional to tie the groom to a lamp post with a bucket on his head, his pants off and his cock painted bright red, but I took it in good spirits. Love the guys. Love ’em.”

A reunion tour may take place next year. “I’ve got Robbie’s rider sorted out,” said Barlow. “Ours is a suitable selection of wines, spirits and juices and I’ve got to check the portaloo outlet for his. Can’t wait to work with him again.”

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GEFFEN, Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) — Lord Mandelson has today announced that the outgoing Labour government will be going ahead with the “three strikes” plan against Internet filesharing, thus ensuring the widespread use of encryption in all routine network communications.

“Encrypted communications as standard is the best possible thing for everyone’s privacy,” he said today, “but there’s so much inertia from the installed base of unencrypted systems. This will provide a rapid incentive for everyone to upgrade as soon as possible. In our last few months in power at the fag-end of a failed government, we need to leave a real legacy for the future.”

The benchmark for the new system will be illegal filesharing dropping by 70%. “That’s measured illegal filesharing, of course. We have set out our metrics quite clearly. Furthermore, home taping is killing music.”

MI5 and the police have objected to the plan due to the difficulty of mass-monitoring encrypted systems, even with the RIPA power to obtain passwords, since mass anonymity systems such as TOR and Freenet have been constructed where the end-user never has nor sees the encryption key. “But a few hideous terrorist atrocities is a small price to pay for less Lily Allen songs being shared. Particularly if they happen on the Tories’ watch. MuWAAAhahahaha. By the way, have you noticed just how much Dave Cameron looks like Iggle Piggle? Uncanny.”

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TWITTER CENTRE, Whiter-than-White City, Friday (NNN) — Jan Moir today claimed London had been “ethnically cleansed” of heterosexual people after her appearance on Twitter Question Time last night.

“London is no longer a city my grandparents would recognise. It is changed beyond all recognition. Pooftahs from end to end!”

Ms Moir also complained about the change of format. “We know from the floods of emails from the lurkers who support me that the tweet stream was not shown in its normal format. They deliberately changed the whole format of Question Time in order to deal with me.”

But despite her bumbling delivery on last night’s tweet stream, the British Daily Mail Party claimed the event had sparked the “single biggest recruitment night” in the party’s history, with 3,000 people registering to sign up as members once a recruitment freeze — introduced in response to tens of thousands of PCC complaints over her last column — has been lifted.

By far the most savage account on the politician came from Twitterer Stephen Fry. “At one point, I had to restrain myself from slapping her. I had thought we’d face a formidable orator, somebody who knew her facts and had her ducks in a row, but the woman was a mess!”

Facing angry heckling, and at times looking shaken, Ms Moir:

• Repeatedly refused to give her views on homosexuality;

• Said that her statements that “these bum-burglars should all be killed by hideous torture to cleanse their terrible and sinful deviation” had been grossly misinterpreted and taken completely out of context;
• Was forced to deny she was a pathologist and was better at telling what Stephen Gately had died of than the medical examiner;
• Accused her detractors of an “orchestrated response” based on having completely unfairly actually read the article and conspiring to be revolted by it.

David Dimbleby, who chaired the session, wore a hideously garish green tie that just didn’t go with that suit at all, darling. Honestly.

Nick Griffin sighed in relief that it hadn’t been him. “It could have been disastrous for the cause of white power, I mean, English Aborigines.”

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EX FACTOR, Smersh, Tuesday (N! News) — Pop android Cheryl Cole has lost her fight to build a secret underground swimming pool in her supervillain’s lair high in the craggy mountains of Guildford, despite claiming “spies in the sky” would try to snap her in her bikini if she had an outdoor pool.

Mrs Cole claimed she was too famous to sunbathe in her own garden for fear of being buzzed from the air. “Them Russkies will stop at nothing to beat England,” she said. “Ash told me they beat us at football last week.”

The Coles have already transformed their classic English cottage with three storeys above ground, five below, a helipad and an aircraft hangar. They wanted to construct a 12m×5m below-ground pool with a gym, spa, sauna and steam room, a missile silo, a radar scanner and a laser space beam to take out interstellar paparazzi UFOs to stop them being pictured in “intimate episodes.” The council also refused permission for a second anti-aircraft gun.

“It’s so sad,” said Mrs Cole, “now I’ll just have to wander around topless in my own garden and be photographed shagging Ashley in the pool with no protection from photographers whatsoever. Saturday afternoons, yeah? Get my left side if you can, that tit’s bigger.” She said Ashley had insisted she was still to address him as “Thunderbird One” in bed.

Style icon Cheryl was voted Lad Wanker Magazine’s “Dumbest Othewise-Cute Woman In The World 2009″ earlier this year. Police have warned citizens that her new album has just been released.

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1. X Factor contestants are grown in vats in a factory in south Wales, using repurposed equipment from the Australian soap opera factories of the 1980s. The replicants are programmed with a fictional past that always involves a dead parent. In six seasons, no-one involved has yet bothered writing a second fictional past.
   

2. Their rudimentary brains are removed before filming and replaced with the control mechanism from a clockwork mouse, doubling their IQs and improving their personalities.

3. Dannii Minogue is an all-Australian suburban android who has come to Britain to annihilate humanity after failing quality control in the Australian vat factory and escaping into the desert.

4. Louis Walsh bought the factory equipment from the Reg Grundy corporation in the late 1990s, with several false starts employing its products in Ireland.

5. The X Factor mentoring process involves poking the contestants with sticks while still in the vat. Ethics societies had originally expressed grave concerns, but, after interviewing the vat creatures and assessing their personalities, have unanimously heralded the process as not merely acceptable but a moral imperative, and asked when they could have a go too.

6. Cheryl Cole does not understand how her presence on the show is itself a cruel, cruel taunt.

7. The vat creations must snort an entire bottle of fake tan every six hours to preserve their bodies from decay. Those surviving the show can often be found on street corners, pale and shriveled, asking passers-by for fiddy pee for hair gel and pleading to let them audition for them.

8. Rikki Loney is actually descended from creatures who emerge from bogs to steal your children. His hair was made by his mum for him from pain, horror and the tears of dying infants.

9. Ben Elton cleverly satirised the X Factor process in his novel Chart Throb. Mr Elton prefers more artistically substantial endeavours in his own work, such as a gratuitous sequel to Phantom of the Opera set in America. Next you know he’ll try writing a West End musical based on the works of the Sex Pistols. Can’t wait to see what he does with “Bodies”.

10. Simon Cowell hates you more than you will ever know. Although if you watch X Factor you might get an inkling.

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THE NIGHT GARDEN, Television Outskirts, Thursday (NNeebies) — Parents’ welfare groups begged for mercy as the full horror of Justin Fletcher’s new CBeebies show Gigglebiz became apparent.

“It’s vitally important,” said Mr Fletcher, recipient of an MBE for services to children’s broadcasting, “that I use the full range of my ability as an actor — funny accents, pantomime drag and more funny accents — to educate and enlighten the children of Britain to their very first encounters with tired comedy tropes and decades-old clichés. I’ve also notified the BBC Trust that I’m fine with CBeebies being renamed the Justin Fletcher Network. And a knighthood next January.”

Forthcoming shows include:

• Charlie and Justin — with Charlie (Mark Thompson) patiently putting up with the incessant babbling of his high-rating sister.
• Tumblemory — in which Justin does his bad Scottish accent in six different wigs.
• In The Night Justin — in which Justin runs around with a red blanket and sproingy hair shouting through a megaphone that it’s time for bed. The original title, In The Night Tumble, would have led to the show being rated N for “nightmare fuel.”
• Waybuloo — “I’m sorry,” said Mr Fletcher, “even I can’t take enough drugs for this one.”

The dangerous expansion of Britain’s arsenal of intercontinental ballistic Justin Fletcher shows was made possible by the revelation that middle-aged suburban fathers are not covered by the provisions of the Geneva Convention. “As if Cerrie wasn’t bad enough. The bargain is, we put up with having this crap on all day, you give us eye candy. No, it’s not the gimp hand, that’s fine, it’s that fucking grin. What happened to Pui? At least we have her old topless shots. Lesbian punks wahey! I’ll put up with Cerrie for some gimp-on-girl action. Deal?”

Attempts to wrench toddlers away from the screen were futile, resulting only in the Makaton for “my cult masters will wreak their revenge upon your puny race.”

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ABBEY NORMAL, London Lite, Wednesday (N! News) — Major British recording artists will meet to try to hammer out a truce on their views on the Mandelson-Geffen “three strikes” proposal to cut off filesharers.

Radiohead, Pink Floyd and Blur have said the proposals are unworkable and will only alienate people. However, Lily Allen has come out strongly in favour of the proposals, saying that “the fackin’ slags need a good fackin’ kickin’. It’s fine for the rich fackers, but it’s all a bit of a rum do for the starving artistes like me, what? Er, I mean, fack the fackin’ fackers. Innit. Blud.” She then accidentally exposed one of her nipples.

Lily Allen came to popularity from filesharers pointing to her MySpace page. “Fackin’ fans, fackin’ fack the fackers,” she wrote in a blog post plagiarised without attribution from TechDirt. If she copies two more blog posts, or if anyone notices the mixtapes of other artists’ music on her website, her Internet will be cut off.

James Blunt has backed Ms Allen’s position strongly. Respecting his stance, filesharers across Britain have sworn never to download a James Blunt song again if they can possibly avoid it, several taking out insurance against such an event.

Jim Killock of the Open Rights Group has put forward a proposal for a small mandatory licence percentage for copyright holders, as on radio and television. “We plead with the music industry not to throw us into the mandatory licence briar patch,” said Mr Killock, “in which no-one ever buys a record again otherwise as they’ve already paid for it. Please.”

“Punk Floyd … weren’t it them what did ‘Beatlearchy In The UK’? Hippy crap,” said 14-year-old music fan KT Myspce, loading up another Lady Gaga song to play in the background from YouTube.

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SEVENTH HEAVEN, London WC2, Saturday (NNN) — The first London tourist office specifically for LGBT (which stands for “Young, White, Gay, Male and Middle-Class”) tourist needs will be opening later this year.

The idea is the brainchild of a gay bar owner, who plans to run it out of the ground floor of the bar in question. “All people of all sexual orientations, cultures and diversity should be able to come to London and know where to go to feel fully free to be their young, white, gay, male and middle-class selves. We take diversity seriously in the gay scene. And, er, B, L, T. We do serve sandwiches. Yep.”

The service will provide young white middle-class gay men of all colours, ages, gender identities and backgrounds with the important nuances of local information: which bar in Soho playing deafening techno has selfish, two-timing prick tease bastards, which bar in Soho playing deafening techno has miserable, bitchy queens and which bar in Soho playing deafening techno will leave you feeling generally depressed, fucked over and ripped off. It hopes to expand to bars in Vauxhall playing deafening techno by early next year.

“We will of course take the ‘L,’ ‘T’ and ‘B’ seriously. Lesbians are welcome in the bars as long as they don’t try to get in on Fridays or Saturdays, and those trannies are welcome provided they have the proper paperwork certifying their claimed gender. We’d happily cater for bisexuals if they existed and weren’t just fooling themselves.”

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PRIORY OF SION, All The Way To The Bank, Friday (NNN) — International best-seling author Dan Brown is in tears over the critical reception to his latest book, The Last Symbol.

“Renowned author Dan Vinci staggered through the pile of reviews,” said Mr Brown, snapping his fingers to signal one of his several oiled and naked houseboys to refill his cognac, “smelt burning flesh, and knew it was his own. As he advanced, his dark eyes seemed to scorch the earth before him, radiating a fiery clarity that forecast his reputation for unblinking severity in all matters.”

Critics have reviled Brown’s books, famed for their implausible plots, flat characters, bogus exposition and talking down to the reader. And the squillions of copies they sell.

“Vinci was heartbroken,” said Mr Brown. “The critics’ snobbish jealousy was like a splinter in his soul. A line of italics appeared in this conversation.”

The latest book deals with a Freemason conspiracy to control what appears on the review pages of major newspapers. A heroic author, Dan Vinci, attempts to break through the conspiracy through sheer force, detailed italic exposition and a battering ram made of pulp.

“It was so hard to cope with the hatred,” said Mr Brown, sobbing into his Dom Perignon and staining his bank statement with tears. “Didn’t the critics know how bad things could be? People could have been reading Jeffrey Archer.”

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OOMPA LOOMPA VILLAGE, Silicone Valley, Friday (N! News) — Katie Price has reportedly sent Peter Andre late-night texts claiming that she is still in love with the publicity she got with him, telling him the magazine covers were her “farytaele” in one message and that “I <3 ur pblicty & wnt 1 mr chnce” in another. A third message referred to the custody battles over the pair’s paparazzi.

She sent the messages two weeks before the pair’s quickie divorce, as covered in all papers on Tuesday. The Sun ran a cover shot of Ms Price in her finest orange, the Daily Star ran an old topless shot, George Monbiot in the Guardian praised the ecological soundness of her idea-recycling (though Hadley Freeman fatuously compared her and Andre to people with actual talent) and the Economist reported on the value of ghostwritten novels, autobiographies and autobiographical novels as mass-produced commodities, with its Intelligent Life supplement detailing the advances in computerised text generation.

The news is sure to devastate Ms Price’s cagefighter side of beef Alex Reid. “There is no way she would be sending those kind of messages with Alex in the room with her,” said an unnamed source at her public relations agency, “and I doubt he’ll be pleased. Until she explains to him in grunted monosyllables and a few pokes of the cattle prod the whys and wherefores of getting on front covers.”

Meanwhile, the now-uncovered news areas of politics, health care, world news and financial news have been swooped upon by the gossip magazines. The cover of Closer features the bags under Gordon Brown’s eyes over time, while Heat features the lesbian Icelandic prime minister’s old bikini shots. Both magazines said they were continuing to turn down paparazzi shots of Tony Blair, no matter how many he sent in.

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DRAGON’S DEN, Cheyenne Mountain, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Despite months of negotiations to get a Commodore 64 emulator approved for the iPhone, Apple has pulled the application after just two days after a hack was found that enables the BASIC interpreter.

“Anything capable of allowing programming — any programming — could be a security risk to the iPhone and its users,” said Apple in a statement to the Library of Congress on copyright. “As such, it is absolutely vital for the safety of the nation that we vet every single application and collect 30% on each one.”

Apple software reviewers, who are generally moonlighting from day jobs as TSA airport security policy writers, fear a wave of 1980s-style “hackers” using the iPhone to “dial” into NASA or National Security Agency computers using the accompanying 300-Baud Acoustic-Coupled Modem application. “We had our suspicions when the app lit the user’s face from below in just the right shade of green to show off their cheekbones really photogenically.”

Reviewers were particularly concerned that the BASIC interpreter was originally written by Microsoft. “Of course, their security is famously terrible,” said one reviewer in a break from torturing kittens. “We’d probably get a Commodore 64 virus. And their sense of aesthetics! No way Steve would ever let that through.”

A similar Commodore 64 emulator that gives ten cents to AT&T every time a user runs a game has passed approval in two days.

“A strange phone,” said NSA correspondent “WOPR.” “The only winning move is not to buy.”

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WHITEHOUSE, Your Happy Place, Wednesday (NNN) — Japanese horror film Grotesque has been refused an 18 certificate by the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) because of its graphic torture scenes.

BBFC director David Cooke said it presented “little more than an unrelenting and escalating scenario of humiliation, brutality and sadism. And no, that’s not a marketing feature.”

The plot is minimal. Two censors are snatched off the street and wake up shackled in a basement. With no explanation, a sadistic Internet degrades, tortures and mutilates them. The film features graphic dismemberment, extreme anal dilation, two girls and one cup. Special effects are apparently by Barbra Streisand.

The refusal of classification means it is illegal to sell or even distribute the film in the UK at all. “This will completely protect the UK from this filth, as people will certainly not ship in a DVD from Japan or get friends in other countries to burn a copy. Nor will they BitTorrent it just because it’s in the news and treasure their download of this odious lump of grot they’d have paid no attention to whatsoever except for us — oh, my promotional fee? Thank you! — and horror fans won’t swap it amongst themselves as if it’s precious. By the way, we’re in discussions with the Internet Watch Foundation about how to keep the BBFC relevant and well-loved in the twenty-first century world of Steampunk Britain.”

The BBFC has drawn criticism for allowing films such as the Danish horror Antichrist and the American “torture porn” films Saw and Passion of the Christ to be distributed in Britain. “But this is, after all, Japanese. I think I speak for all Britons when I say: Dear Japanese people, please — just stop it. Love, British people.”

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GAMESCOM, Ichiyaga Camp, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Sony is releasing the new PlayStation 3 Slim across Europe in early September, the company hoping that anyone will remember the PS3 still exists.

The new light-weight version is two-thirds of the size and weight, only requiring a single, much smaller, extra room built onto your house, fitted with 13-amp 405-volt three-phase power. The new, more compact enriched uranium fuel rods are not supplied.

PlayStation chief Kazuo Hirai made the announcement at the GamesCom conference in Cologne, in a move widely seen as an attempt to regain momentum in the battle against rival Microsoft and put off having to ritually disembowel himself with a sword. “Our competition is absolutely the XBox 360. That’s the one to beat! Thank God they didn’t build hardware that worked, we’d have real trouble if they had.”

The PS3 has struggled thanks to its high price and lack of games, not to mention competition from the Nintendo Wii, which, apart from costing half as much, is actually fun. The Sony console did, however, have spectacular launches in Japan and America, with tens of fans queuing through the night to get their hands on the console, particularly with their Sony employee discount. The machines sold at only half the price on eBay soon after.

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THE INDIFFERENCE ENGINE, Steampunk Britain, Sunday (NNN) — Seven million Britons face having their internet connection cut off and fines of up to £50,000 as Digital Britain is implemented.

Lord Carter, the report’s author, has now left the Government for consultancies unknown. Lord Mandelson, who has taken over responsibility for digital policy, has been persuaded of the need for a tougher approach after entreaties from starving music mogul David Geffen, who was introduced to him by the Rothschild family. “He warned me in 2001 that these ‘MP3 players’ would lead to the downfall of civilisation. I understand iPods were popular in the City just before the Great Recession, you know.”

Internet piracy is estimated by the movie and music industries to cost them around £1.4 million billion squillion a year, ripped untimely from their generous artist-supporting pockets.

Critics have compared the proposals to King Canute, failing to turn back the tide. “So it’s up to the Government to supply the sandbags. We have an industry to defend!”

Ofcom, the broadcasting regulator, will require Internet providers to record users downloading illegal content. The magical copyright detector, which the music industry just knows the ISPs are being obstructive in not enabling immediately, will be used to send a massive voltage up through serious repeat offenders’ Internet connections and into their chairs.

Labour backbencher Tom Watson said the sanctions would attach an “unbearable burden” on an emerging technology with the power to transform society. “Sounds just fine to me,” said Lord Mandelson.

Kerry McCarthy, Labour MP for Bristol East, will be in charge of the party’s Internet campaigning ahead of the general election. “Voters will increasingly be searching the web to find out what we think about the issues. If we haven’t cut them off.”

In other news, membership of the Pirate Party UK, launched earlier in the week, has been increasing at 100 new members per hour.

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BOULEVARDE OF BROKEN DREAMS, Los Angeles, Wednesday (N! News) — Disney will film a new version of The Diary of Anne Frank, to be written, directed and co-produced by David Mamet.

Mamet will use the famed diary to tell the story of the young Jewish girl who hid with her family from the Nazis in the an attic in Amsterdam. “Love the story, love the themes, love everything about it, baybee, I spent a year getting the rights!” he said. “Don’t wanna change a thing! I’ve got my own original take on the material, of course. I’m going to re-frame the story as a young girl’s rite of passage. You know, from living to dead. Though the ‘dead’ bit is up in the air at this stage.”

Disney execs have granted Mamet complete artistic freedom, with only passing executive suggestions of Jean-Claude Van Damme as the SS officer who steals Frank’s heart and the voice of Jerry Seinfeld as her mouse companion, animated by the Pixar division. An additional scene includes Frank leaping a CGI shark.

“It’s gonna be the greatest thing seen on the Hollywood screen,” said Mamet. “I promise you’ll see every penny of the FX spend right there in fronna ya. When Dr Manhattan destroys Berlin … no, I don’t wanna give anything away on the record. Your people can do lunch with my people and we can discuss it then. Sequel’s already greenlighted! Love ya, baybee!”

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BRITAIN’S GOT CHRONIC AMBITION, Minus Talent, Tuesday (N! News) — Second-string actress, second-string pop singer, second-string X Factor judge and sister of someone famous for actual star quality Dannii Minogue claims she has stopped using Botox, the wrinkle-beating injection that paralyses and relaxes facial muscles.

Her decision comes after public criticism for her alleged lack of facial expression on the X Factor, hence insufficient visible disgust with Simon Cowell.

Ms Minogue revealed in an interview that she is now ready for a more natural look. “Thor os so moch prossure on womon,” she told Aging Bimbo magazine. “Off you con bo hoppy woth yoursolf, thot’s tho morn thong.”

Her facial muscles will be operated using wires hooked to the same mains connection that powers the rest of her body. “Tho orms, tho logs, tho loght-op solocone brosts woth MP3 ployor. Ot’s oll good.”

Ms Minogue says almost everyone she knows has had Botox. “Oxcopt Choryl Cole. Sho’s not smort onough to work hor foce onywoy.”

She dismisses the notion that Botox use is somehow unusual. “To moy, Botox os no more onosoal thon toothposte. Thot’s whoy O tolk loke thos.”

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WITWICKY, Arctic Circle, Tuesday (NNN) — Controversy continues over US President Barack Obama’s place of birth and Constitutional eligibility to be president, with even senior Republicans wondering if Obama is really an American citizen, or a Decepticon spy.

“The birth certificate was falsely attested by Mr Obama’s mother and grandmother so that a custody battle would be heard in the US and not under the laws of Cybertron,” said Senator Optimus Prime (R-UT). “The plan was part of a conspiracy of communists, Muslims, Jews, Decepticons and French to take over the world with the coming of the Anti-Spark, who would magically transform into a 1961 Ford Fairlane convertible. With red and white pinstriping. Autobots will of course rejoin the Allspark in the Rapture, but the rest of you are fucked.”

When the Obama presidential campaign produced documentation, it claimed to be an extract of birth. However, it was not a full manufacturer’s certificate of live birth with original warranty certification and service log book. Experts who examined the image in high resolution accessed viral data that caused their brains to explode and their souls to return to the Allspark. This suggests to observers that Obama was really created in a lab on Cybertron and was later smuggled into Hawaii, before accidentally crashing into the World Trade Center in September 2001 during overly boisterous horseplay with another Decepticon.

Not all Republicans agree with the theory. “I myself was manufactured in the Panama Occupied Zone during the era of steam,” said Senator John McCain (RINO-AZ). “My boilerplates are certified 100% All-American. The Supreme Court has explicitly ruled that an American parent makes you ‘natural born’ wherever you were born. The President’s Irish heritage through Ann Dunham is no barrier to the presidency.”

Fox News presenters continue to trumpet the “birther” theory, for “the good of all Americans,” said pundit Michael Bay. “By doubling down on the most advanced and developed of patriotic theories, by driving the center of the Republican Party further down the path of righteousness, we are reshaping the party into a more radicalized community of that core of only the most dedicated Americans. All five to seven percent of them. Any suggestion this is all for Rupert Murdoch’s bottom line is scurrilous. So stay tuned to this channel! You never know what rabid lies you might hear anywhere else! We report, you decide! And now a message from our sponsors Blackout, Scorponok, Frenzy, Barricade, Starscream, Devastator and Bonecrusher.”

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OOMPA LOOMPA VILLAGE, Silicone Valley, Sunday (News of the Screws) — Katie “Jordan” Price took HUNKY television cage fighter Alex Reid back to her hotel suite for a night of WILD SEX, according to a press release issued last night, hours after her previous press release denying they were together.

According to the attached script, the GLAMOUR girl enjoyed her night of PASSION in a suite at Liverpool’s Malmaison Hotel with Reid on Thursday, with stage directions to emerge at lunchtime the following day grinning from ear to ear.

“They were all over each other earlier in the night,” said an anonymous source at her publicist. The night of LUST could be heard by fellow hotel guests, though some questioned the MOANING apparently replaying on a five-minute loop.

When she emerged from her ROMP, she was half an hour late for a signing session for her new novel Cubic Zirconia. After fifteen minutes’ patient explanation of which end of a pen was which, the ghost writer who did the actual writing sat down to do the signing as well.

Just over an hour later they left and headed to The Circle private members’ club where Jordan FELT Alex up, necked vodka from the bottle, accidentally neglected to expose her NIPPLES for minutes at a time and collapsed in a shambolic heap after a LESBIAN snog.

Estranged husband Peter Andre says he is “shocked and appalled. There’s actually someone more vacuous than me in the world, and I married her. Bloody hell.”

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