News of the News

CRYSTAL CAULDRON, Surrey, Monday (NotScientist) — In a revolution for the forces of allopathic hatred and the negation of human spiritual potential, a strike force of rogue sceptics has, using the funding of their pharmaceutical death-dealer masters, negated homeopathy with the proving of a new remedy: homeopathic homeopathy.

The preparation was initially energised using the explanations for Plutonium Nitricu 30C (homeopathic plutonium), Positronium 30C (homeopathic antimatter) and Rational Sceptic 10C (homeopathic exploded brains of people hearing of the previous two). The succussions of the subsequent dilutions were done using a mechanical potentiser based on the arm of Dr Samuel Hahnemann, the discoverer of homeopathy, which pounds the mechanical arm against a firm rubber pad from a height of five inches twenty times in two seconds. This is also effective when applied to the patient just before presenting the bill.

The provers found they experienced the complete sensations of every ingredient that had not been added to the solution as, like all homeopathic solutions, it was guaranteed to contain no ingredients whatsoever. This gave them complete understanding of all possible effects of nothing but pure distilled water energised only by a £5.99 price tag from Boots on the bottle. They then proceeded to get new jobs doing something actually useful for a living.

Ravenwoo Granola (Bachelor of Homeopathic Medicine, University of Bums on Seats) countered that hundreds of years of carefully documented study of homeopathy could not be at error. “I dosed myself with a homeopathic preparation from my own anus before considering your question, thus assuring my brilliance and perspicacity on this subject.”

Internet users, however, heralded the results, suggesting pouring the contents of a homeopathic preparation of Scientology into their DSL modems to protect them from blithering stupidity, and homeopathic goatse to protect them from 4chan.

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RATCHED, Westminster, Saturday (NNN) — In a survey of over 600 people working in Westminster, less than half were able to locate their heart on a diagram, less than one third could distinguish the gluteal muscle from the joint in their arm and many could not locate their own posterior under any circumstances.

The researchers said they found little difference in understanding of human anatomy between their survey and a similar one done in April 1979.

The results showed that:

• Knowledge was poor and had dropped back to the same level as thirty years ago.

• Many stoutly asserted that the heart was “propaganda” and “a myth” and that any such organ would be entirely unfeasible in practice.
• Despite inability to locate the gluteal muscle, in many subjects it was 90% of their bodily mass, with a large nerve going directly to the pocket located adjacent to it.
• Those whose hip pocket nerve was most problematic had the most trouble locating it or even admitting to its existence.

“Human anatomy remains a mystery to most of these people,” said John Weinman, who led the study, “though it is questionable how relevant it is to some of them.”

Suggested remedies include radical surgery to remove the most prominently overgrown gluteal muscles, scheduled to be performed no later than 5th May 2010.

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GALILEE-ON-SEVERN, Gloucester, Friday (NNN) — A worker at Gloucester Royal Hospital risks losing her job over wearing a crucifix at work.

Phlebotomist Helen Slatter was told the cross “could harbour infection,” spread disease or even be used as a weapon. Ms Slatter said the crucifix, which is twelve feet high and weighs 150 pounds, was too large to leave in the locker room rather than carry over her shoulder.

“The issue is not one of religion,” said a Gloucestershire NHS Trust spokesdroid. “There have also been problems with the time Ms Slatter has spent curing large queues of lepers, which do not count toward Ministry of Health management targets. Furthermore, her habit of feeding the entire hospital from the fish sandwiches in her packed lunch has badly impacted hospital takings from concession operators.” The trust has also asked Ms Slatter to stop walking across the Severn to work.

“We are willing to work with Ms Slatter on these issues after some strong opinions on these matters were raised from very high up,” said the spokesdroid after being struck by lightning out of a clear blue sky. “Very high up.”

In February this year, nurse Caroline Petrie was disciplined for curing patients through prayer and making the doctors look silly. In 2006, British Airways employee Nadia Eweida openly wore a cross necklace at work at Heathrow and regularly levitated into the sky after each three days at work. In the same year, BBC newsreader Fiona Bruce came under fire from managers for showing sinners she had condemned to hellfire live on television while presenting the news.

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WHIRLING KNIVES, The Black Hole of Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) — An MP lost four full in-trays of dubious expenses after he was hypnotised into believing that he had a gastric band fitted, it has been claimed.

“I have tried every other diet and exercise plan the world has to offer,” said Michael Martin, until recently Speaker of the House. “I’ve tried tablets, WeightWatchers, Atkins, SlimFast, the shit-yourself-if-you-look-at-an-expense-claim drugs and even a personal trainer, but none of them helped me.”

However, with the miracle treatment, his expenses were revealed to the world. “Now I have lost a vast pile of questionable claims! And my job. And the pay for it. Bugger.

“Bizarrely, I can remember every part of the ‘procedure’ — including being wheeled into theatre, the clink of the surgeon’s knife and even the complete absence of anaesthetic.”

The procedure is being recommended across Parliament as expense recovery leaves mere shreds of flesh that are unlikely to be left standing next election.

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CLIMBIÉ, Hackney, Tuesday (NNN) — ContactPoint, a detailed database of all 11 million children under 18 in England, has become available to childcare professionals for the first time and definitely not to anyone else.

The government says it will enable more co-ordinated services for children and ensure none slips through the net. “Our outsourcers estimate five million billion hours of professionals’ time and a billion trillion zillion pounds in duplication of services can be saved by giving them lots of money,” said England children’s minister Delyth Morgan. “The database is essential to the protection of the most vulnerable members of our society: the bureaucrats and politicians.”

The 390,000 child care professionals, local council bin inspectors and NHS janitors with access will all have gone through stringent security training and vetting by EDS Capita Goatse. “What could possibly go wrong?” said Morgan. More than 51,000 children deemed “vulnerable,” “famous” or “related to a politician” will have their identities and information shielded.

Security issues have been a perennial concern, with aspects of the system possibly being illegal under data protection laws. However, the system will initially be tested in 17 local authorities in the north west of England, because it’s not like their children matter anyway. Public review of the transparency of the system will be available with the release of a complete dump of the system database on CD-ROM and USB memory stick, to be left down the side of the seat on a train service yet to be specified.

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THE STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA, They Sent It Back Too, Monday (NNN) — The Food Standards Agency has announced new mandatory voluntary targets for food manufacturers to cut the amount of salt in bread, bacon, breakfast cereals and soup by 2012.

The FSA says reducing daily salt intake to 6 grams from the present 8.6 grams could prevent twenty thousand deaths from high blood pressure. “The best way we can achieve this is to make food taste as much like cardboard as possible. Sugar’s out too. This will also allow us to meet obesity targets, as no-one will be able to face eating and will merely have to drink themselves to death. ’Cos they can’t smoke any more either.”

McDonald’s has complained of people bursting in off the street, grabbing handfuls of those little salt packets and running out again. Police have warned of gangs of youths shooting each other with knives over contraband seasoning and speaking something that sounds like English but would probably be better transmitted by SMS.

Cardboard manufacturers looked forward to a windfall, with Ryman’s announcing a new line of pre-salted notebooks and filofaxes in salt and vinegar, cheese and onion and crispy bacon flavours. “Just quietly, sir, we’ve got some juicy pens in too, since you’re a regular and all.”

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OVER 60 MILLION GOT SERVED, Mexico, Friday (NNN) — A new strain of swine flu, H1N1, has killed up to 60 people in Mexico.

The virus is a mixture of swine, bird, human and computer viruses. Symptoms include fever, fatigue, lack of appetite, popup ads, coughing, sore throat, a slow connection and an urge to throw one’s computer out of a high window. The disease is thought to have started as a Windows virus on 4chan, a CIA entrapment message board for online activists, and can spread using the current Windows 7 beta.

Center for Disease Control officials looked at their huge stockpiles of H5N1 bird flu vaccine and said, “… shit.”

Citizens have panicked at the prospect of bacon being put into quarantine and substituted with some soy-based garbage. “Damn that Conficker!” shouted R. McDonald of San Bernardino, California. “Damn it all to Hell!”

“This comment from me looks Photoshopped,” said Bruce Schneier, an American computer security expert safely employed over in the UK. “I can tell by the pixels and having seen a lot of ’shops in my time. I suspect this is the work of a viral botnet spider agent replicating Trojan comments across news services until their functionality is completely destroyed. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T LOAD OR READ MY COMMENT. p.s.: I love you.”

Insufferably smug Macintosh user Arty Phagge was sanguine. “We know how to use condoms. And I’m a vegetarian.” The Free Software Foundation announced the launch of OpenSwine, a disease generation and detection kit available for all to use and develop in perpetuity.

Britain will be protected from the swine flu virus by comprehensive filtering of the British internet, shutting it down entirely as needed. “Would you want your husbands, your servants, accessing the Internet?” asked Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. “I put it to you that you would not.”

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TWATTER, Arsebook, Tuesday (NotScientist) — A direct neural interface to post on Twitter has been created by Adam Wilson of the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

“We originally hooked it to the brain,” said Wilson, “but only a very limited selection of messages came out, that appeared to be coming from somewhere else. So we’ve just gone directly to the penis without the middleman.”

Male humans suffer from having functional bodies trapped with almost completely paralysed minds. The penis is an organ used by male humans primarily for thinking and making important decisions. It is also used as an outlet for unwanted poisonous bodily excreta, such as sperm.

The messages — or “twats” — cover the full gamut of human experience and emotion in 140 characters, from “ANOTHER PINT WHAT AN EXCELLENT IDEA” to “DYING FOR A SLASH” to “GDAY LUV NICE TITS” to “WOOHOO GOT A GOER HERE” to “WOKE UP DEAD PIG SHAT IN SKULL OH DEAR GOD WTF IS THAT MUST CHEW ARM OFF.”

“The next stage is a feedback loop for at-replies,” said Wilson. “We’re hoping to create the dream of every Internet user: a response system that will send five hundred volts through someone’s nether regions when they say something unbelievably stupid.”

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GIRLS GONE BALD, Debbie Does Dialysis, Monday (NNN) — Two thirds of people have not changed their diet or lifestyle to reduce the risk of cancer, a Newsnight poll has found.

One cancer expert said new ways were needed to convey health messages. “Fifteen percent ‘hardly ever think about’ cancer,” said Professor Karol Sikora of Cancer Partners UK. “This doesn’t bode at all well for the cancer or media industries.”

Cancer marketing has used the “saturation” approach for many years, where people’s morning paper tells them that eating more, eating less, eating chips, eating fruit, eating at all, drinking tap water, HPV vaccines, lack of HPV vaccines, sunlight, lack of sunlight or thinking too much about cancer all increase the risk of cancer, illustrated with a Page 3 spread of Luscious Lucy, 19, of Sheppey, conducting a self-examination of Kylie Minogue’s bottom in closeup.

Innovative approaches that were directly relevant to people’s lives may prove more effective. “It’s amazing how much of a difference Jade Goody made to cervical screening. We need to find more previously disliked celebrities to sacrifice.”

A spokesperson for the Department of Health said government policies had contributed to a fall in smoking rates, almost compensating for deaths at the hands of crazed smokers desperately nic-fitting.

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INHUMAN RESOURCES, Work Harder Not Smarter, Thursday (NNN) — Employees with difficult colleagues and a poor working atmosphere were 60 per cent more likely to be depressed, and 50 per cent more likely to use antidepressants, says Dr Marjo Sinokki of the Finnish Institute of the Bleeding Obvious.

Business was quick to protest that the right mental attitude was essential to remaining competitive and cost-effective. “Self-esteem costs a fortune in wages and produces employees with ambition and other problematic behaviours,” said the Confederation of British Industry. “Without depressed and beaten shells of workers, we can’t possibly compete.”

The Treasury concurred, with figures showing the health of the economy requires most workers to die of directionlessness within six months of retiring.

“The U.S. work environment right now is far more tenuous and toxic than in recent history,” said Josh Klapow of the University of Alabama at Birmingham. “With layoffs and downsizing, the opportunities for increased stress, negativity and pressure have all greatly increased and are doing wonders to keep people in bad jobs at low pay and long hours, for our future prosperity. God bless America!”

BUPA has offered discount bulk Prozac, Valium and Thorazine to businesses, to be placed in the tea room next to the sugar and the bromide.

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COSTA DEL SOL, Glasgow, Friday (NNN) — A “binge-tanning” epidemic has put malignant melanoma above cervical cancer as the most common cancer in women in their twenties.

There are now twice as many cases of melanoma as there are breast cancer, causing concern amongst newspaper proprietors. “A half-page closeup of breasts hasn’t nearly as good an excuse,” said Desmond Murdoch. “Though topless beach babe shots are pretty newsworthy and informative.”

There are also questions as to whether excessive tanning causes cessation of brain activity and chronic footballer shagging, or if this is just coincidence.

20 minutes of booth tanning is equivalent to a day at the beach, minus yelling kids and sand in your bikini bottoms. Unregistered back-street bootleggers offer underclass girls tans on the sly, along with pirated MP3s and DVDs and authentic Louie Vitton and Dolchie ett Gabbarner merchandise.

“The fact is the jury is out on the relationship between UV exposure and malignant melanoma,” said Kathy Banks of the Sunbed Association, puffing on a cigarette and trying to fight off crocodile hunters wanting her skin for a handbag.

Substitutes for tanning beds can be nearly as problematic. Danielle Lloyd has appeared in her seventeenth celebrity nude charity calendar this year for the rehabilitation of chronic bottled tan snorters.

“We recognise the right of individuals to make informed choices,” said Charles Darwin of the Ministry of Health. “If they die before they breed, this may be a self-solving problem.”

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SOMEWHERE, Er, Hold On A Tick, desu desu desu! (NNN) — US research suggests that mental powers start to dwindle at 27 after peaking at 22, marking the start of old age. As usual, the Internet is to blame.

Professor Timothy Salthouse found reasoning, spatial visualisation and speed of thought all decline when the brain is sufficiently full of puns, memes, lolcats, favourite porn sites and burnout from dealing with idiots. “And then there’s b3ta, which appears to be composed entirely of prions.”

To test mental agility, the study participants had to solve puzzles, recall words and story details and spot patterns in letters and symbols — without using a keyboard and mouse.

All participants failed dismally. “One started eating the desk. Others gibbered, screeched, masturbated furiously and flung their own faeces at the researchers through the bars.”

Professor Salthouse said that, apart from burning the Internet in a series of worldwide electromagnetic pulses — as it had been specifically designed with the aim of surviving being nuked from orbit — the most important thing now was to give him more funding. “Understanding more about how healthy brains decline could help us understand what goes wrong in serious diseases like Alzheimer’s. Now we actually need to find someone on the Internet with a healthy brain.”

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LANCETHRUST, Gruntfuttock, Tuesday (NNN) — Researchers disappointed millions of mediocre men today when they concluded that dosing your girlfriend with testosterone won’t get you lots of free sex either.

Procter & Gamble’s Hornymoma patch is prescribed to boost libido in women with hypoactive sexual desire disorder, which is defined as persistently diminished or absent desire for sex with medical researchers. Researchers said the patch’s effectiveness could not be proven, and that it also led to such side-effects as stroppiness, an uppity attitude and a really quite impressive right hook.

“The effects on my wife were not at all what I’d first pictured,” said Dr Ike Iheanacho, walking in with a waddle, tenderly rubbing his hindquarters and declining all offers of a chair.

Procter & Gamble said Hornymoma had been thoroughly tested and had been shown to be effective, giving their quarterly numbers a proud and vigorous response with lasting power.

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TUBGRILL, Goatse-by-Cam, Monday (NNN) — The Home Office and a coalition of children’s charities are seeking to block access to the Internet to save the populace from child pornography and Internet-borne cancers.

“Only 95% of Internet users are protected from computer-borne paedophile cancers,” said Home Office Minister Alan Campbell. “We must bring the other 5% into line, despite their spurious claims of the fine British-designed Cleanfeed system being ‘completely incompetent broken crap that never worked in the first place.’

“It is clear that blocking all potentially illegal images is as easy as stopping people from sharing movies and music, which is a solved problem. We just block everything. This will then revive the newspapers and the record companies and thus the whole British economy, by the Mended Windows theory.”

Zoe fucking Hilton of the NSPCfuckingC concurred. “We need decisive action from the government to ensure our continued income. If you’re an ISP who doesn’t sign up with the IWF, you’re a fucking paedo. Paedo. Paedo. Paeeee-do. And you cause cancer, you fucking arsehole. HEY, EVERYONE! THERE’S A FUCKING PAEDO OVER HERE! And give us your fucking money, now. Paedo. I hope they fuck and kill you in jail.”

“The IWF has protected ISPs from government interference for over a decade and users from potentially illegal images,” said potentially fabulous drag queen and IWF head Peter Robbins. “Although our recent foray into actually attempting to do the impossible rather than just existing as something for ISPs to point at hasn’t gone so well, we must protect children from carcinogenic Olympic logos of Lisa Simpson being forced into sexual acts. Think of the cartoon characters!”

The Government has signalled it will block the “streaming” loophole by making it illegal not merely to download such images, but to think about them or consider their possible existence.

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BOG ALERTS, NHS Indirect, Friday (RT @NNN) — Facebook and Twitter will give you cancer, says Dr Aric Sigman, a completely unbiased researcher from the University of Metro.

Social networking sites “could raise your risk of serious health problems by reducing levels of face-to-face contact,” leaving you more susceptible to cancer, dementia, heart disease, diabetes, influenza and rheumatoid arthritis. But not lupus. Instead, you should be spending your time breathing germs on the Tube and reading newspapers.

Cigarette breaks in most offices have been replaced with Facebook breaks, as users desperate for a hit take a moment to reject seven vampire invitations and relax a bit.

“It’s also a sign of autistic spectrum disorders and stuff,” said Dr Sigman. He pointed to a new “are you autistic?” test in this evening’s London Lite:

Do you prefer:
(a) sitting at home on your interweb like a nerdy no-mates goit?
(b) getting pissed down a strip club with the guys from marketing, like normal people?

“It’s obviously ludicrous rubbish,” said Internet socialite Hiram Nerdboy, well-known around Second Life for his sexy fox-with-breasts avatar. “Internet social networks don’t affect your health,” he noted, munching through his second pizza and two-litre Coke of the day and shifting his stomach folds to one side so as not to block the Skype microphone.

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BROOKER, Twatter.com, Thursday (NNN) — London will soon suffer an influx of cheap cocaine, making a line less than £1 — cheaper than a cup of coffee.

Drug experts have warned of “Nathan Barleys from horizon to horizon” as irritating and self-obsessed twats take drugs designed to enhance irritating self-obsessed twattery.

Starbucks has announced plans to fight back against the newcomer, with its new Double Venti Nonfat Decaf Organic Heroin Iced Vanilla Double-Shot PCP Nosecandyccino Caffeinated Detergent Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Methamphetamine Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet’N Low, One Nutrasweet and One MDMA. The cocaine is guaranteed to be organically grown and Fairtrade™-certified. “A better deal for drug farmers.”

Economists are warning of a second dot-com new media revolution. “No money, just endless streams of droning voices talking about themselves at each other. It’ll be like the worst bits of 2000 all over again.”

“At least they won’t be able to get it up to reproduce,” said the International Narcotics Control Board. “Just talk for hours on end about how good it’ll be.”

Smokers, meanwhile, still huddled outside in the rain while random passers-by threw rotten tomatoes at them.

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UH, ROUND THERE SOMEWHERE, You know the place, man, later some time I think (NNN) — American researchers have found that long-term marijuana use will literally make your balls drop off.

The study, from the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle, is the first to look specifically at marijuana use in relation to the disease. Testicles contain receptors for tetrahydrocannabinol, meaning that smoking pot really does make your balls as big as you think it does.

“We also managed to tie it into the earlier study that showed that high sexual activity leads to prostate cancer,” said Dr Janet Daling. “Thus proving: if you touch it, it’ll drop off.”

Dr Daling said that puberty might be a “window of opportunity” during which boys were more vulnerable to environmental factors such as the chemicals in marijuana. “So all we need to do is to convince young men that sex, masturbation and getting utterly wasted is a bad idea and they shouldn’t want to do it.”

Critics of the study expressed concern over it not allowing for possible carcinogenic effects of brownies, pizza or Grateful Dead records.

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THE LITTLE MPs’ ROOM, Palace of Westminster, hour thirteen and counting (NNN) — The Government has swallowed a bitter new weight loss pill in attempts to stop the release of details of MPs’ expense reports.

The drug, FOIlistat, will produce a massive outflow in the event of an MP even thinking about expense padding, revealing full details of tapeworms and other parasites, a telltale Brown stain and a pungent stench. Any fat in the expense report will be passed through the National Audit Office undigested, leading to the customary flatulence and informational incontinence.

Shadow Commons leader Alan Duncan suggested caution. “We don’t just want, by making our expenses available, to allow ourselves to be subject to open season of malicious and vexatious attacks, such as people actually reading them and commenting on them publicly. With friends like this, who needs enemas?” He then issued a truly resounding wet fart and quickly shuffled off sideways.

Much like the drug, the prospect of releasing their expenses has made MPs shit themselves copiously. “Not only will the direct Pavlovian approach work,” said Owen Blacker of mySociety, “it’ll keep us in Channel 5 comedy for decades.”

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THE TUBE, The Bloody Commute, seven bloody AM (NNN) — Phil Space, an expert in depression at the University of Metro, has discovered a mathematical formula to pinpoint today as Blue Monday, the day when six factors come together to leave journalists at their most miserable.

The factors are: the dank and gloomy weather; the lack of articles to fill the spaces between the ads; a feeling of monotony writing the seventh “the economy’s utterly sodomised” story; broken New Year’s resolutions to get a more socially worthwhile job, like picking maggots out of a corpse’s arse with your teeth; low levels of motivation; and it’s bloody Monday. Also, that you ran this story last year but that was on January 21st.

The mathematical formula for misery is:

— where P is the weather, O is Barack Obama’s inauguration while we’ve still got Gordon Brown, T is the probability of Abi Titmuss playing Doctor Who’s next companion, B is the lack of stories about students in bikinis in this weather, W is Amy Winehouse flashing her tits around in a smacked-out stupor, R is recycling stories on ever-shorter time scales and H is going past horror at the idea of your boss noticing to losing hope that he ever will.

Phil offers tips for overcoming gloom: “Focus on the good things you do have in your life. If being one of the lucky people who still has a job gives you not even a slight sneer of superiority over the unemployed masses, and instead you have this overwhelming urge to get out a machine gun and kill every fucker on the tube in the morning … well, it’s worth a try. Also, good cheer comes in pints and makes for a bloody happy Friday and Saturday.”

Alistair Darling has been asked to stop visiting investment firm offices in the City talking up optimism and a more positive outlook by City of London street cleaners, who are running low on body bags.

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KALLIKAK, Gattaca, Friday (NotScientist) — The first British baby designed to be free of the “journalism” gene has been born.

The breakthrough gives hope to other parents afflicted by the condition, often running in families. “It will be mere seconds before blond-haired, blue-eyed Aryan clones genetically engineered with hyperintelligence are frog-marching into the White House, the Kremlin and the United Nations to take over the world and condemn the rest of us inferiors to perpetual slavery,” said one rejected embryo before the autoclave kicked in.

Pro-life campaigners claim it is morally wrong to weed out imperfect babies. “Today it’s journalism, tomorrow it’s cancer, next year it’ll be Young Conservativism,” said Ann Widdecombe. “They’re already screening for all manner of cosmetic reasons in parts of Europe that I can’t specifically name right now. This is a tool to search and kill! We must shun and despise the children resulting from this genetic Frankensteinism.

“Instead, we should deliberately bring children into the world to suffer and then cut their disability benefits. To prove the strength of our feeling on this matter, we’re implanting unwanted eggs carrying breast cancer genes into ourselves personally, so the children can grow up living in fear their whole short lives of their own breasts killing them. It’s right and natural. We’re also looking to reintroduce bubonic plague and smallpox, on conservation grounds.”

“I don’t think you can equate eight cells in a dish to a human being,” said the parents’ doctor, “although it could probably edit the Daily Mail.”

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