News of the News

STRAIGHT’S THE WORD, Bruxelles, Saturday (NotScientist) — Ubiquitous chemical contamination, driven by the radical feminist agenda, is driving down sperm counts and feminising male children across the developed world.

Young boys produce less sperm and developing feminised behaviour, in which they dress up in pink, have tea parties, read the Guardian and pooh-pooh stories in Metro about how our caveman ancestors explain all modern social gender determinism. Many apparently prefer indie rock music to football, proving they are therefore poofters and must be beaten up.

Harriet Harwoman, the minister for men, has committed Britain to higher levels of gender-bending chemicals in their blood, to sell us out to her EU masters and accelerate our utter national defeat at the hands of manly Polish asylum-seeking radical Muslim terrorist Frenchmen out to destroy the prices of British-owned houses in Normandy.

“We are outraged,” said Stephen Green of Christian Voice. His organisation is working with a group of volunteers to record a song highlighting the problem that will eliminate any effeminacy in British culture. “We’ve made sure the video projects proper masculine role models: a police officer, a cowboy, a construction worker, a soldier. The song talks about the masculine pursuits available at the Young Men’s Christian Association. It’s really very catchy. I can’t see how it won’t be a complete success.”

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KALLIKAK, Gattaca, Saturday (NotScientist) — Genetic testing companies are promising to match couples based on Escherichia coli testing, touting the benefits of biological compatibility and claiming a match means better personality match, better sex and conclusive proof that they match down to the asshole.

“How many dating services can you think of where assholes can meet an asshole they really deserve?” said Eric Holzle, founder of AssholePersonalityDisorderMatch.com.

People tend to be attracted to those whose personalities are appropriately complementary to their own. APDMatch claims to be able to ascertain this by scientifically measuring the characteristics of a prospective couple’s digestive tracts.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR) inexplicably fails to detail Asshole Personality Disorder. However, a diagnosis of APD requires five or more of the following to be present for a significant period of time:

• Self-importance

• Refusal to acknowledge or even comprehend social rules
• Delusions of adequacy
• Believes others would do just fine if only they were sensible like him
• Beliefs appear to change to match the situation, but that’s just other people being idiotic
• Pride in their superior people skills
• Recto-cranial inversion
• Projection of all symptoms on this list onto those around them.

“If we can make sure that assholes end up with other assholes,” said Dr Holzle, “we can save the rest of us from dealing with their ridiculous bullshit.”

But don’t put too much faith in this, experts said. Dr. Rocio Moran, medical director of the General Genetics Clinic at the Cleveland Clinic, called the idea “ridiculous,” and said the science of assholism is too complex to work out by looking at a few bacterial traces.

“They are just trying to make a buck,” she said. “Focusing on getting those bucks from assholes is, of course, commendable. But assholism is subtle and endemic. How many times have you heard some asshole proclaim, ‘hah, that really sticks it to those assholes!’?”

Holzle was not able to point to any success stories. “Quite frankly, the site tends to attract assholes. And do you think we ever want to talk to these people again? We have to swab these assholes’ goddamn assholes. What a pile of shit this job is. What the hell was I thinking? Apparently some have bred. This will probably doom the human gene pool. I’m so very, very sorry.”

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VEVEY, Suisse, Friday (NNN) — A small bar of dark chocolate a day helps keep stress at bay, say researchers at Nestlé, particularly the stress of chocolate manufacturers looking at sales figures.

Chocolate cuts levels of stress hormones and supplies valuable income that the company can further apply to killing Third World babies and buying its competitors to avoid boycotts.

“We must note that this only applies to Nestlé products,” said scientifically independent research shill Sunil Kochhar. “Cadbury and Lindt are well known to cause pimples, impotence and lard. I hear they make your period worse.”

Workers around the country noted this as a verification of common sense. “If I glare at people each month,” said Brenda Busybody, 45 (IQ), “chocolate magically appears at my desk. Good, that.

“The best chocolates for stress, though, are the ones with liqueur in the middle. The important point with these is that the chocolate shell is entirely optional. The essential good effects can be duplicated with the fine products of Bombay Sapphire and tonic. And a cig or six.

“Hell, I can’t even take out my frustrations on the poor bastard handing out London Lite after today. It’s clear that chocolate, gin and cigarette-based stress reduction is a medical necessity and needs to be employer-supported. Or I’ll tear your head off and shit down your neck.“

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THE PINK LINE, Scunthorpe, Monday (NNN) — Generally objectionable, odious and unpleasant people are going so far as medical intervention to turn them into absolute cunts, says a report in the British Journal of Obstetrical and Gynaecological Metaphors.

“There is a shocking lack of information on the risks of the procedure,” say researchers at University College London . “Reasonably pleasant and well-presented school leavers are turning into real estate agents and bad science journalists. They pay far too much attention to their presentation at the expense of actual depths. Some prefer the phrase ‘designer vagina,’ ’cos it rhymes and all, but we must objectively and scientifically describe them accurately: a pack of complete and utter cunts.”

Operations to remove the ability to perceive one’s own objectionable behaviour are on the rise. A sort of loud, braying sneer is a common option. Many also make the cunt as shallow as possible. “Their personality presents a sort of genital surface and nothing at all behind it except a shit-laden rectum.” Many subjects are motivated by career opportunities, often spurred on by managers who have this particular talent naturally. “Geniuses of cunt, some of them.”

But surgeons said the report overplayed the risks of an established procedure. “As a plastic surgeon, I have often considered having the operation myself,” said Douglas George of the British Association of Aesthetic and Plastic Surgeons (BOOBIES) as he jiggled his DD implants toward the camera. “But it proved unnecessary in my case. By the way, we’re doing a great deal on internal plastic surgery. Save yourself the hideous embarrassment of a less than perfectly presented X-ray! Get a promotion at work!”

Risks to society include designer cunts admiring each other’s cuntishness and reproducing, having a child whose genes make them actually reasonably normal and decent people brought up by a pair of real cunts.

The worst cases are when some “utter and total cunt” talks his quite nice girlfriend into getting a designer labioplasty, just to try to make her feel insecure about a part of her body that no-one in the world except the two of them ever see. Spurious media reports claiming labioplasties are on the rise are a common and vector for this sort of cuntishness. “You have to really be a completely and utterly cuntish cunt to be such a cunt about cunts. ’Cos cunts are excellent, but cunts aren’t.”

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PAGE 3, Channel 5, Tuesday (NNN) — Women with large breasts appear to attract the attention of men, scientists were absolutely amazed to discover.

Researchers from the University of Metro, writing in Evolution and Human Behaviour Illustrated, have spent many, many hours studying 16,000 women and girls, and their boobs, in quite close detail to investigate anecdotal reports that men’s attention is often attracted by women with sizable mammaries. Moreover, the more spectacular the norks in question, the greater the propensity for passing men to walk into a lamp post in a comical manner.

The more voluptuous women were also found to be more intelligent on average, performing better on cognitive tests, although the male researchers were reduced to drooling idiocy and largely not all that interested really. “We don’t want to compromise our scientific objectivity by seeing if the subjects are capable of speech,” said one researcher with his hands firmly jammed into his pockets.

The story was illustrated with a picture of Nigella Lawson, who has a degree in mediæval and modern languages from Oxford, a really quite splendid pair and a propensity for leaning over on telly.

The researchers speculated this was to do with fatty acids found on the hips, such as Omega-3. Or possibly something to do with our caveman ancestors, as these sort of stories tend to be. But pretty much no-one read that far.

Further studies are likely to prove that water is wet, the sky is blue and that men, particularly researchers and science journalists, think with their cocks. In the meantime, here’s a helpful, educational and newsworthy illustrative photograph of Nigella Lawson’s fabulous rack.

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DERAIL REPLACEMENT BUS, Tranniesport for London, Thursday (Mediocre Grauniad) — I love travelling on the tube. Where women are women, men are refuse and transsexuals don’t offend me with their alleged existence. But since the advent of free papers such as Metro, it feels like my reading material isn’t my own. Trannies keep nicking my paper.

No sooner do I put one paper down to browse through another than it gets appropriated by some man with breasts. And when I demand its paperwork proving it’s the gender it spuriously claims to be, it looks at me funny!

I believe in share and share alike, but this morning I put my copy of Transsexuals: The “Women” Behind Hitler down on the seat opposite and someone who looked like a bearded man but was far too pretty to be one by birth — men do nothing for me, so this was obviously a woman — just leaned over and took it. Damned cheek! I called it a penis-wielding misogynist magazine rapist, but it just looked at me oddly, so obviously didn’t have a penis.

Does this happen to you or do I just look like a mug or soft touch? Don’t they know I work hard at discussing serious feminist issues and gender determinism in society?

I believe they do. Transsexuals have been hounding me for years, just because I quite objectively described them as misbegotten scum who should be put out of our ideological misery. Hideous twilight in-betweeners, trying to hijack female privilege from real women. Vile and odious halfling monsters oppressing women and children, particularly me, by their mere existence and interrupting my important journalistic work and committing the misogynistic hate crime of interfering with my speaking fee income. Hell, I bet they’d question Julie Burchill’s feminist cred.

The worst was last night after a few serious feminist drinks at which we resolved that “Andrea” Waddell had logically relinquished all right to be considered human. I woke up in the morning to discover some fucking tranny had puked all down my shirt. Worse than that, one had pissed my pants too. Fucksakes.

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EAT Y’SELF FITTER, The Priory, Thursday (NNN) — Professor David Nutt, the government’s chief drug misuse advisor, has been called upon to resign after stating the bloody obvious fact that alcohol is frequently more harmful than cannabis or Ecstasy.

“Alcohol ranks as the fifth most harmful drug after heroin, cocaine, barbiturates and methadone,” he said today. “Tobacco is ranked ninth. Cannabis, LSD and ecstasy are ranked lower at 11, 14 and 18 respectively. Shoooooom wibble wibble fairy blonk wuhwuhwuhwuhwuh,” he added as he levitated and zoomed out of the window.

“We are outraged,” said Home Secretary Alan Johnson. “This feckless statement of mere truth could derail all our attempts to control drugs and crime in an economically and socially responsible manner.”

The economies of poorer areas such as Hackney and Brixton largely revolve around drug dealing and associated criminal activity. “Without appropriate penalty-sustained drug pricing,” said Mr Johnson, “young persons will have no reasonable local entrepreneurial aspirations. They might have to get jobs or something. Furthermore, how are our knifemakers and ambulance staff expected to stay in work?”

Policing is also a major concern. “How would we get away with police openly patrolling with machine guns in Tooting? Professor Galileo’s work is an interesting intellectual exercise but is sadly ill-connected to the realities of modern society. It’s nice that he tried so hard, but it’s as if he expected us to actually care what he produced.

“Next he’ll say we should stop lying to children. How can they grow up right without a proper undertanding of what it takes to get a politician’s attention? In any case, after the War on Drugs, we have the War on Science. For the election, I’m pretty sure we’ll need a War on Arithmetic as well.”

Dave “Iggle Piggle” Cameron advocated a “more reasoned” approach when the Tories take office in June. “We’ll steer people to more socially redeeming chemical recreations. Bollinger at the Millwall game, what? And a tin of really quality snuff, since smoking is bad. Just say no, kids!”

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[SUPPRESSED], Wikileaks, Tuesday (NNN) — Carter-Ruck and Associates, the finest libel lawyers in the world, have successfully protected the good reputation of oil and toxic waste company Trafigura by obtaining an injunction preventing the Guardian from reporting the fact of a Parliamentary question on Trafigura dumping toxic waste off the Ivory Coast, killing and injuring thousands.

“It’s been hard work,” said a source we were injuncted from naming, “but the public repute of my client, who cannot be named, is absolutely protected from these allegations that do not exist, or may as well not exist. British defamation laws remain unequalled in the First World.”

The Parliamentary question relates to Trafigura dumping thousands of tons of sulphurous coker naptha mixed with caustic soda off Côte d’Ivoire in 2006, with full knowledge as detailed in internal emails that doing so would likely cause thousands of injuries and deaths.

Bloggers around the world were unanimous in their praise for Trafigura’s fine public spirit and Carter-Ruck’s fancy footwork, with enough admirers on Twitter to make “#Trafigura” and “#CarterFuck” the top two trending terms for much of Tuesday.

“We at Carter-Ruck are proud to be so effective in protecting such deserving clients, and look forward to working just as effectively for the reputations of similarly environmentally well-behaved companies around the globe,” said Carter-Ruck’s new directors of marketing George Monbiot and Julian Assange.

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DACRE, Moron Piers, Tuesday (NNN) — Associated Newspapers today suspended all injections of scaremongering bollocks after a reader seemed to die of stupidity hours after reading the Daily Mail.

Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam, was found dead in his armchair after reading the UK Daily Mail’s campaign against cervical cancer vaccines and the Irish Daily Mail’s campaign for them in the same hour. “The doctor said his brain function had ceased six months before,” said his grieving wife Brenda, “shortly before he started getting the Mail home delivered. It was about then he started smelling funny, too. But only yesterday he was talking about asylum-seeking Poles and house prices!”

Critics of the Daily Mail have said it will encourage promiscuous idiocy, with reports of outbreaks of Richard Littlejohn. “Big Publishing is abusing our grandparents for memetic experiments. It’s all about money for them. A hundred-year-old criminal enterprise targeting our loved ones!”

Associated Newspapers has refused to say whether it would still allow tens of thousands of grumpy old gits across the country to receive the paper in the months ahead. But there were calls for the entire Daily Mail distribution programme to be suspended in the interests of sanity and good taste.

A number of Busybody’s mates down the pub have reported similar side-effects after our reporter paid them for their kind participation in this story.

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PAGE 3, Channel 5, Sunday (NNN) — The British Association of Aesthetic and Plastic Surgeons (BOOBIES) has put out a concerned press release claiming to be about competition from overseas surgeons in an attempt to market man-boob reductions.

“Unethical clinics in other countries continue to offer obscenely superfluous surgery cheaper than we do in Britain,” said the press release, “and it remains legal for people to give them money instead of us. This is unacceptable to patient, and particularly surgeon, welfare. Also, did you know that your unsightly and disgusting man-boobs can be discreetly removed surgically?”

Shocking results include:

• 100% of clinics surveyed did not offer refunds via BUPA.

• 100% of overseas clinics failed to be based in Britain.
• 100% of overseas clinic surgeons did not also consult for the NHS.
• BOOBIES members can do you a great deal on man-boob reduction.
• Over 90% charged more than British surgeons did for equally superfluous surgery. Did we mention that bit?

“In addition,” said the press release, “we’re doing better business in man-boob reduction surgery. It is vitally necessary to patient, and, as we mentioned, surgeon, welfare to issue a piece of press release journalism advertising the availability of authentic British man-boob reductions.”

BOOBIES stressed that they offered the finest value in man-boob reductions and hardly any of them would accidentally install DD silicone inserts instead. “But if we did, it would certainly get the chicks. Probably.”

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WELL I NEVER, See I Told You, Friday (NNN) — Low-level shitkickers at a crappy public relations agency knowingly and with malice aforethought abusing the title “researcher” have found, on the spec sheet listing the official desired outcome for their “research,” that women — all women — are overcome by a burning desire to share gossip as soon as they hear it, particularly when plastered on the fine Chilean plonk being promoted by the agency’s client.

They will spill the beans to at least one other person within (precisely) 47 hours and 15 minutes, typically in between declaring the recipient their best mate ever and emphasising how they really should keep in touch better.

The study of 3,000 women aged between 18 and 65, some of whom were not fictional, shocked and appalled public relations staff and free newspaper journalists by openly naming the client who had paid for the puff-piece to be inserted into the paper, accompanied by a stock photo of one woman saying something into another woman’s ear while both were wearing low-cut cocktail dresses and leaning slightly forward to emphasise eye-catching cleavage.

Michael Cox, seller of a cheap petrol-flavoured substance apparently intended for near-human consumption which occasionally comes with a plastic cork instead of a screw-top, said: “It’s official — disgusting drunken slatternly trollops can’t keep secrets, as any reader of [INSERT NEWSPAPER NAME HERE] would realise about the subhuman distaff species after their daily commuter-time scientific revelation concerning female inferiority.

“We were really keen to find out with this survey how many secrets people are told, particularly after a refreshing glass or six of our unsurpassed products. No matter how precious the information, it’s often out in the public domain within 48 hours. Thankfully they’re usually too pissed to remember it the next morning when they’re cleaning their own puke out of their knickers. Filthy fucking whores, the lot of them.”

Men were adjudged vastly more able to keep a secret than women, mostly by virtue of not knowing what constituted one and not caring.

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OVER 60 MILLION GOT SERVED, Just Over The Border, Wednesday (NNN) — Biotechnology companies banking on a severe swine flu pandemic were shocked this week when US health officials approved four H1N1 vaccines, triggering a selloff in the sector.

“This is outrageous fiscal irresponsibility from the Democrat Party,” said analyst Brian Adams. “A lot of these companies have basically been trading on pandemic concerns. How can the United States possibly lead in the biotech revolution without serious damage from the pandemic? They’re destroying business value!”

The World Health Organization said it could infect as many as one-third of the world’s population, or 2 billion people. “Most of these are in the Third World, of course. If they got all their drugs cheap — or, God forbid, free — that would cut our gross takings by as much as five percent. Just what the hell do they think they’re doing in there? We’ve spent quite enough time and money on onerous intellectual monopoly laws. That money is our right as creative individuals, as the true creators of objective value!”

Businesses in the US will give the swine flu vaccine to their workers, on an “as needed” basis — those being the ones whose insurance they are paying for. “At least the illegals won’t get health care, so they’ll still be a good breeding ground for new and profitable bugs. Thank God.”

Adams said there was still a chance that H1N1 would mutate, rendering vaccines less effective. “Failing that, we’ll just have to see what we can do to push it along. You didn’t write that down? Good, good.”

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CRYSTAL CAULDRON, Goldacre, Monday (NotScientist) — The pharmaceutical industry is reeling from the news that more and more new drugs do no better than a placebo. Despite historic levels of industry investment in research and development, the FDA approved only 19 new drugs in 2007 and 24 in 2008.

The placebo effect has been little-understood. Trials in different countries and cultures can show different results. Ratings by trial observers can vary significantly from one test site to another. Advertising has conditioned people into thinking a little branded pill will make them all better.

“This throws R&D spending into significant doubt,” said Cylon Number Six of GlaxoSmithPfizerMonsanto. “It’s clear that marketing has always been the way to go, and that spending four times as much on marketing as research was the best thing we could possibly have done for humanity.”

Researchers are now going full steam to discover new forms of nothingness to apply to new diseases. Explorers have been sent into the Amazonian rainforest to find new plant species to dilute to the point of no molecules of the original being present. Traditionally ineffective tribal remedies from around the world have been patented in Western countries. “If ‘4′33″’ can be copyrighted, we can patent the placebo gene!” The treatments will be publicised in the new Elsevier journal, The Australasian Journal of Nothing Whatsoever.

Homeopaths are up in arms at the pharmaceutical industry “muscling in on our territory,” said Ravenwoo Granola of the Specialist Homeopathic Institute of Technology. “We developed the finest, most refined and provably harmless snake oil in existence! There’s nothing homeopathy can’t cure! Er, there’s nothing that isn’t brought to us for consideration and helping the patient trigger the placebo effect themselves. A snip at £5.99 a bottle and fifty quid a consultation! And we absolutely proved it harmless! We did double-blind tests against placebo … Bugger.”

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RACTER, Eliza Alice, Friday (MX Doctor) — Online talking treatment using instant messaging can help NHS budgets recover from depression, say management researchers.

The study looked at 297 people with anxiety and depression. Half had up to 10 one-hour sessions with an online therapist, LOLbot. The other half were sent to sit in a GP’s waiting room for two hours, made fun of by the receptionist and then sent home again. The study showed that LOLbot was significantly cheaper and made the local NHS trust’s accountant far more cheerful and gave him a greater sense of well-being.

“It’s like being in a chat room with your therapist,” said Dr David Kessler of the University of Bristol.

 I can’t talk to people. Even on the phone. Can you help me?
 MY NAME IS DR LOLBOT. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
 You can help me look at my life and what it’s like … and what I decide to do about it.
 HOW YOU CAN HELP I MORE LIKE EVEN DECIDE?
 You’re not making sense. Life is futile. I can’t decide what to do. I’m not sure I should go this far.
 HAS ANYONE REALLY BEEN FAR EVEN AS DECIDED TO USE EVEN GO WANT TO DO LOOK MORE LIKE?
 What?
 SORRY, I ACCIDENTALLY THE WHOLE ANSWER. PUT SHOE ON HEAD
 This is NOT helping me. Are you actually a doctor?
 OH GOD HOW DID THIS GET IN HERE I AM NOT GOOD WITH COMPUTERS
 That’s okay, I’m not either. But I can’t face it. I want to end it all.
 THAT’S NOT FUNNY. MY BROTHER DIED THAT WAY
 I’m sorry. The world is doomed. The universe will burn out … Dr LOLbot, how do we reverse entropy?
 I DUNNO LOL
 I can’t cope with this any more. I’m going to kill myself now. Goodbye, Dr LOLbot.
 IT’S OVER 9000!
 …
 FAG.

“The study was published by Elsevier and funded by BUPA,” said health patsy Andy Burnham, “so this is top-notch science you can absolutely rely on. Another cigar?”

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REEPERBAHN, Helmand, Friday (NNN) — Afghanistan has passed a law permitting Shia men to deny their wives food if they refuse to obey their husbands’ sexual demands, to the embarrassed silence of the international community and its fighting forces.

Activists say the law contradicts the Afghan constitution and international treaties the country has signed. “But I’m sure we can deal with that in due course,” said Afghan president Hamid Karzai, “particularly once the fundies have gotten the votes in. There’s one of those ‘election’ things you people are so fond of coming up, you know.”

Proposed amendments include having to ask nicely and not slapping a bitch too hard afterwards. Non-marital rapists will be required to pay “blood money” to girls injured during a rape, before the girl is of course stoned to death as an adulterer.

General Sir David Richards noted that British military involvement in the country may last decades. “This is what our boys are dying for. Half a century of legal rape is a small price to pay for truth and justice for all men.”

The US and Britain invaded Afghanistan to deal with the Taliban and “bomb them back to the stone age. But it looks like they’re already there, which saves us some time.”

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RATCHED, Massachusetts, Tuesday (NNN) — President Barack Obama has asked Americans not to believe “rumors” that his health reform initiatives will lead to a government-run health care system, push Medicare recipients to die rather than run up their bill or lead to widespread euthanasia of the Republican “base.”

“Let me start by dispelling the outlandish rumors that reform will promote euthanasia, or cut Medicaid, or bring about a government takeover,” said Mr Obama. “That’s simply not true. Furthermore, our proposed tests would still rule Sarah Palin as being human and actually alive, despite the evidence from the brain machines.”

Sarah Palin has spoken in horror of the centralised “death boards” she says Obama wishes to introduce, instead of the ones that individual hospitals run now to send people home to die when their money runs out. “Scientists like Stephen Hawking would have been killed off by the National Health Service,” she said, “if they’d grown up in Eng-er-land!”

Peter Ferrara from Fox News refused to buy Mr Obama’s claims. “The Obama health plan is based on evidence — but evidence leads to science, and science leads to Darwinian evolution being applied to you and yours! He’ll raise health costs, make freedom of choice illegal, ration health care and build a machine feeding illegal aliens in luxury on the corpses of aborted Republican babies, sacrificed in a gay Muslim Kenyan ceremony. You can buy my book on it at heartland.org for just $19.99. Call now! Operators standing by!”

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WAKEFIELD, Sheffield, Sunday (NNN) — Britain is facing an infertility timebomb, according to Professor Bill Ledger of Sheffield University, who just happens to have a side business, Biofusion plc t/a Lifestyle Choices, selling fertility tests, in the Observer yesterday.

“Couples are sticking their heads in the sand,” he said. “Thirty-year-old women should take a ‘fertility MoT.’ Fortunately, I have some right here — a snip at a hundred quid a go. If the NHS won’t buy them from me, it could cause a devastating drop in national fertility!”

If necessary, women could then opt for a £200-300 ultrasound scan to look for other problems. “We do a nice line in those too.”

The call by Professor Ledger followed a week in which fertility dominated the news, with stories about postcode lotteries for those seeking IVF treatment. “My marketing director tells me this is completely coincidental. As medical technology suppliers of unimpeachable ethics, I’m sure we wouldn’t run a huge press campaign or features in Elsevier journals or anything.”

Professor Ledger is also a member of the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority, the completely independent government regulator. “So who could you trust more than us? It’s almost an official endorsement! Except the bit where they negligently don’t give us money. That needs addressing.”

Professor Ledger also said that an education programme should be introduced in secondary and primary schools. “We can help with that too, at quite reasonable rates. Britain has the highest teenage pregnancy rates in Western Europe, but that’s no reason to be complacent! Besides, chavs don’t have any money to pay us directly.”

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CELEBRITY GOSSIP, Smile for the CAMRA, Sunday (NNN) — The number of women binge-drinking real ale has doubled in the past year to almost one in three, says the Campaign for Real Ale.

Z-list celebrities are regularly photographed in the London Lite supping a “pint,” little finger extended, a different one each drink, discussing the shades of flavour in each beer, the state of network engineering at the BBC, their favourite computer programming languages and the latest gossip about Wikipedia editors, until their breasts accidentally fall out of their dresses and they start a drunken catfight over their favourite Terry Pratchett novel, at which point they start an extended discussion with the nearest paparazzo about his precise lens and camera settings.

Most of those trying real ale in the past year said it was brewed locally, and also thrown up again locally, if not directly recycled into Foster’s.

Almost 12,000 women were convicted for drink driving in 2007, with 2009 figures expected to mostly be on bicycles. Road safety experts blamed the so-called “spodette culture,” of women being loud, drunken, brawling, uncouth and foul-mouthed, usually concerning what one said about the other’s Perl code.

The newfound popularity of ale-drinking has extended to the City banking industry. “When you’re working and socialising with these people,” said one female trader, “it’s easy to slip into their lifestyle. I went with the guys to strip clubs and bars, spraying bottles of Tokyo* 18% stout around to celebrate a big deal. Being blonde and female I took my fair share of stick, but sometimes it’s in your favour to be underestimated. Think I can’t tell how long the Bodgett’s Wyrd Brew has been in the barrel? Fuck off!”

The government has started a new series of advertisements against binge ale drinking, warning of the dangers of drunk texting, drunk Facebooking, drunk Wikipedia editing and drunkenly falling pregnant to that cuddly middle-aged Star Trek enthusiast who lives with his parents. And is pathetically devoted to you ever since. And is paid a fortune as a system administrator. So probably not completely awful on balance, then.

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MINILUV, Oswiecim, Friday (NNN) — The Ministry of Health has applauded the Law Lords’ verdict in the assisted suicide case, suggesting it opens the way to fixing the NHS budget.

“Where there’s a living will, there’s a way!” said health secretary Andy Burnham. “Of course, the death of a patient is a tragedy every time. I cry real tears, smearing my eyeliner as you can see. But I cry more tears when I look at my budget. Sorry, the mike wasn’t on for that, was it?”

Hospitals will be rebranded as members of the Indignitas chain, in a PFI scheme run by EDS Capita Goatse in conjunction with IBM and Bayer AG. Entering an NHS hospital will, under law, be considered expression of a sincere and deeply-held death wish. “Anyone going into an NHS hospital has given up caring if they live, die or are slowly digested by MRSA anyway. This just lets us formalise the process.”

The Department for Work and Pensions has put into place a new rule that those unemployed for two years will have to enter into a Death Experience Scheme for six months.

Lord Peter Mandelson also praised the decision for “giving clarity to those cases where a loved one, who has lost all ability and awareness and is sadly incapable of going on, really does need to be sent to the knackers’ yard. The moves to allow life peers to relinquish their peerage and, say, re-enter Parliament via a safe seat, are entirely coincidental, though we may sadly have to employ them, say, next year. Purely hypothetically.”

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MRSA MEMORIAL, Staffordshire Hospital, Thursday (NNN) — There were an estimated 100,000 new cases of swine flu in Britain last week, the Health Protection Agency said today, after 55,000 new cases in the previous week. At this rate, every person in Britain will be infected by November.

Although considered a “mild” flu, with sufferers only experiencing a week of fever, puking and shitting, the new H1N1 variant is remarkably infectious, appearing able to spread across telephone lines and through lists of swine flu symptoms on Internet news sites.

“We have not as yet managed to link a lack of swine flu to poverty, deficient character and loose morals,” said Chief Medical Officer Sir Liam Donaldson, “but that is, after all, the cause of every other problem facing the NHS: patients.”

The World Health Organisation has proclaimed that swine flu will become “a new and vital part of the human genome.” To this end the National Flu Service has set up a website to make sure everyone gets their due ration of the disease. Built by a PFI consortium headed by EDS Capita Goatse, the site crashed within five minutes of launch this morning and should be up again within twelve months.

This morning, like every morning, Robert Neville woke to fight back the infected. The genetic recombinant H1N1 virus had infected almost everyone in the world. Of the survivors, almost all had permanently succumbed to the primary symptom: bacon. A genetic need for bacon. All the bacon you could want. Forever.

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