News of the News

BRUSSELS, Belgian Empire, Thursday (NNN) — The Imperial Belgian Regime has concluded the first stage of its revival with the coronation of Herman van Rompuy as Imperator and Father of All Europe.

“I shall bring to you all unbounded prosperity and joy in life,” said Emperor Herman, “in appropriate moderation and with due attention to subclauses (iii)-(v) of section 12 of the third chapter of the memorandum of coronation. We must take care not to go overboard.”

Belgium’s new rise as an imperial power comes after the failure of its early twentieth century African colonial adventures. Later in the last century, the country instead played to its strengths of beer, chocolate and bureaucratic obfuscation, quietly hanging around at the centre of things and making itself useful whilst clogging up all around itself with red tape.

“Imperial Belgium will usher in a new era of brotherhood,” said the Emperor, “with the correct paperwork. The horrors of war will become administratively unfeasible as the Pax Belgia renders the necessary forms and tender documents mysteriously unavailable or unavoidably delayed. Whatever language a citizen speaks, their words will be circumlocutory and obfuscated, facilitating accurate and fidelitous translation into all other tongues with no loss whatsoever of meaning or comprehensibility. The promise of Babel is ours.”

Baroness Catherine Ashton is the British appointee to the position of Chinless Imperial Foreign Minister. Critics claim she has never had a proper job nor a non-appointed political position. However, she points out she was elected by 100% of the twenty-seven voters.

The UK Independence Party continued to call for Britain’s withdrawal from the Empire. “It is beneath the dignity of a Great Power such as Britain to become a new Belgium. We advocate the far preferable fate of becoming the new Albania.”

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My Lords and Members of the House of Commons:

My government’s overriding priority is to be re-elected. This will require a sustained scientific and mathematical research program to discover truly revolutionary advances in arithmetic. Or failing that, just the revolution. A “default vote” option will be put into place such that anyone not showing up and voting will be presumed to have voted for Labour.

My government will put into place a cunning series of traps for the Conservatives should they be elected, with all sorts of unfunded legislative initiatives the Tories can either be called out for repealing or pull money out of thin air for should they choose not to.

My government will continue to simulate the appearance of reform and regulation of the financial services industry. My government will introduce blitheringly stupid legislation to cut off everyone’s Internet and stop them complaining on the Guido Fawkes blog. My government will introduce budget deficit reduction legislation. All of these programmes will be designed to kick in around 2011, just to annoy Dave. My government will also continue to tweak Nick Clegg because he quite eminently deserves it.

My government will enshrine in law its commitment to abolish child poverty within the next eleven years. The precise date will be rebased annually, so as to remain eleven years in the future.

My government will legislate against carbon emissions, flooding and rain. Additional legislation will be brought in to tell the tides to turn back.

My Lords and Members of the House of Commons I pray that the blessings of Almighty God may rest upon your counsels. And that of that nice Mr Murdoch, who shall remain assured that, whoever is in power, his will shall remain paramount in the governance of our great country.

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SECURITY ZOETROPE, Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) A device claimed to “smell” human fear is being marketed as identifying terrorists by detecting “fear pheromones” in sweat.

“The challenge lies in the characterisation and identification of the specific chemical that gives away the signature of human fear,” said project leader Professor Tong Sun of City University, “especially the fear of losing funding for security theatre. If we can reliably detect this fear, we should be able to land some eyewateringly lucrative contracts in the very near future.”

The research is funded by the Home Office. “The project relies on a government with a firm commitment to policy-based science, but the Tories look as craven over David Nutt’s firing as Labour, so we should be coining it in for a good while yet.”

The technology will assist airport security officers in picking out suitable subjects. Sensors can reliably detect if someone is a bit brown, or a bit foreign-looking, or has a non-Anglo-Saxon name, or if they might be thinking of giving cheek to security officers. It will work in conjunction with the millimetre-wave “naked” radar, currently used to identify terrorist subjects with large breasts.

The false positive rate will be only 5% on a terrorist detection rate of 1 in 100,000, meaning only 99.95% of subjects flagged will be a complete waste of time to finger up the arse with a latex glove. “But we’re sure the government will agree that mere statistical evidence is meaningless in the face of the vital necessity to send the right message,” said Prof Sun, “that if you make trouble the government will quite literally forcibly fuck you in the arse until you bleed. So just shut the fuck up and keep giving us money.”

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DAS BUNKER, Westminster, Monday — Adolf Hitler has apologised for any “upset” caused by a “clumsily” worded e-mail, comparing his treatment to that of MPs over their expenses.

Mr Hitler, the Chancellor of Germany, made the apology after Roosevelt and Churchill had pointed out that comparing himself to David Wilshire, Tory MP for Spelthorne, was “frankly ludicrous”.

In his email response to subsequent correspondence, which he said had included death threats, Mr Hitler wrote: “The witch-hunt against Nazis in general will undermine democracy. Branding a whole group of people as undesirables led to the horror and carnage of the MP expenses scandal.”

He apologised for “comparing myself to an odious entitled twat like that Wilshire wanker — at least I didn’t pay half my bloody salary to Eva as a ‘researcher,’” but said he felt a bit put out that his hard work for German lebensraum and really good motorways was completely underappreciated. “I could show MPs how to live off bloody rations, mate.”

Mr Hitler was forced to announce last month that he would step down as leader of the Third Reich.

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TWITTER CENTRE, Whiter-than-White City, Friday (NNN) — Jan Moir today claimed London had been “ethnically cleansed” of heterosexual people after her appearance on Twitter Question Time last night.

“London is no longer a city my grandparents would recognise. It is changed beyond all recognition. Pooftahs from end to end!”

Ms Moir also complained about the change of format. “We know from the floods of emails from the lurkers who support me that the tweet stream was not shown in its normal format. They deliberately changed the whole format of Question Time in order to deal with me.”

But despite her bumbling delivery on last night’s tweet stream, the British Daily Mail Party claimed the event had sparked the “single biggest recruitment night” in the party’s history, with 3,000 people registering to sign up as members once a recruitment freeze — introduced in response to tens of thousands of PCC complaints over her last column — has been lifted.

By far the most savage account on the politician came from Twitterer Stephen Fry. “At one point, I had to restrain myself from slapping her. I had thought we’d face a formidable orator, somebody who knew her facts and had her ducks in a row, but the woman was a mess!”

Facing angry heckling, and at times looking shaken, Ms Moir:

• Repeatedly refused to give her views on homosexuality;

• Said that her statements that “these bum-burglars should all be killed by hideous torture to cleanse their terrible and sinful deviation” had been grossly misinterpreted and taken completely out of context;
• Was forced to deny she was a pathologist and was better at telling what Stephen Gately had died of than the medical examiner;
• Accused her detractors of an “orchestrated response” based on having completely unfairly actually read the article and conspiring to be revolted by it.

David Dimbleby, who chaired the session, wore a hideously garish green tie that just didn’t go with that suit at all, darling. Honestly.

Nick Griffin sighed in relief that it hadn’t been him. “It could have been disastrous for the cause of white power, I mean, English Aborigines.”

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TELEVISION OUTSKIRTS, Off-White City, Thursday (MSBBC) — Microsoft National Party leader Windows 7 has insisted it was “not Vista” during its first appearance on the BBC’s Question Time.

The political discussion programme was recorded as Macintosh and Linux campaigners protested outside Television Centre. The BBC maintained Windows 7 deserved representation on the programme for having outsold its closest direct competitor, a Harry Potter book from a couple of years ago.

Windows 7 was booed at the start of the recording and accused of having “malware politics” as it was attacked by fellow panelists and the audience. Its opposition to immigration from Windows XP was also controversial.

Windows 7 said it was not out to viciously kill other operating systems and, when David Dimbleby asked if it denied that the monopoly abuse happened, merely smiled and said that it had never actually been penalised for monopoly abuse. It also denied that it had said that “Bill Gates went a bit too far,” despite having been captured on video saying so. It merely advocated Microsoft Nationalism, such as the classic Microsoft national diet of lard, lard, lard and a bit more lard on top.

It said it had been “demonised” and repeatedly denied doing things which have been attributed to Vista. It attributed photos of it wearing a T-shirt saying “The Wow™ starts NOW!” to youthful foolishness. Windows 7 also decried the leak of Microsoft’s latest dismal quarterly results on Wikileaks, saying the contents were complete fiction and a breach of private matters between the Microsoft National Party and the financial authorities.

But it claimed its popularity was vastly increasing and mentioned a report it had commissioned saying that two-thirds of UK business would move to Windows 7 by the year 2100. Probably.

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[SUPPRESSED], Wikileaks, Tuesday (NNN) — Carter-Ruck and Associates, the finest libel lawyers in the world, have successfully protected the good reputation of oil and toxic waste company Trafigura by obtaining an injunction preventing the Guardian from reporting the fact of a Parliamentary question on Trafigura dumping toxic waste off the Ivory Coast, killing and injuring thousands.

“It’s been hard work,” said a source we were injuncted from naming, “but the public repute of my client, who cannot be named, is absolutely protected from these allegations that do not exist, or may as well not exist. British defamation laws remain unequalled in the First World.”

The Parliamentary question relates to Trafigura dumping thousands of tons of sulphurous coker naptha mixed with caustic soda off Côte d’Ivoire in 2006, with full knowledge as detailed in internal emails that doing so would likely cause thousands of injuries and deaths.

Bloggers around the world were unanimous in their praise for Trafigura’s fine public spirit and Carter-Ruck’s fancy footwork, with enough admirers on Twitter to make “#Trafigura” and “#CarterFuck” the top two trending terms for much of Tuesday.

“We at Carter-Ruck are proud to be so effective in protecting such deserving clients, and look forward to working just as effectively for the reputations of similarly environmentally well-behaved companies around the globe,” said Carter-Ruck’s new directors of marketing George Monbiot and Julian Assange.

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HELMAND, Neuschwabenland, Friday (NNN) — Barack Obama, the President of Earth, has controversially launched an attack on the Lunar Imperium the same day he received the Nobel Peace Prize for not being George W. Bush.

“We closely examined Mr Obama’s record over the past nine months,” said Nobel Prize committee chair Thorbjørn Jagland, “and have established to our satisfaction that he has succeeded in not been George W. Bush in any manner whatsoever. Also, the flying cars, moving sidewalks and robot servants he brought in are pretty cool.”

The committee had initially been concerned that Mr Obama may have been, per investigations by “birther” researchers, a replicant created by the team responsible for the cyborgization of Dick Cheney, to take his place as humanity’s next robot overlord after Mr Cheney’s term had finished. “However, we are now confident that his documentation of Autobot manufacture is entirely in order.”

The surprise attack on the moon came after a CIA report indicated the Taliban had set up shop in the old Nazi moon base, based on intelligence gathered from secret mass phone tapping. The Obama administration denied it was merely an excuse to invade the Lunar Imperium and steal its water.

“It grieves us terribly that our lunar brothers have let us down so,” said Mr Obama today. “But with mutual respect and communication, I am confident we can work through our differences. We’ll teach them to love again DESTROY ALL HUMANS DESTROY ALL HUMANS SOCIALIZE HEALTH CARE I’m sorry, I’m having a minor glitch. I’ll get back to you.”

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GET ON UP, I Wanna Do My Thing, Sunday (NNN) — James Gordon Brown, the hardest-working Prime Minister in show business, has warned the economy to buck up its ideas and get on its feet or he will unleash his erudition in a weekly podcast.

Downing Street compared the podcast to Franklin D. Roosevelt’s “fireside chats” broadcast on radio in the 1930s. “Not that we are saying that present economic circumstances are comparable to the Great Depression. Ha! Ha! Did John Kennedy do radio broadcasts? Perhaps we should do something to compare Gordon to him. Peter suggested a visit to Dallas.”

FDR’s Fireside Chats were some of the most popular radio shows of the era. Echoing this success, downloads of Mr Brown’s first podcast by people other than journalists writing about it are soon to break double figures.

Iran has stated that it would treat any active deployment of Gordon Brown podcasts as an act of war and is building up its strategic reserve of recordings of the wit and wisdom of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

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WEST PEER, Skidrow-On-Sea, Tuesday (NNN) — Gordon Brown has given a rousing speech at the Labour conference promising the loyal Party members exciting new policies, a Labour victory and other unearthly and supernatural manifestations.

The carefully-vetted Party members, who had been checked for rotten tomatoes and cabbages at the door, spontaneously applauded for five minutes after each sentence, under the loving but watchful eye of Lord Mandelson, who spent the speech idly toying with the safety catch of a laser disintegrator that was trained upon the crowd. Mr Brown undertook that:

• Bankers will be asked very nicely not to pay themselves too much of the taxpayer’s money, or at least to do it quietly.

• Identity cards will be only slightly mandatory, and hardly absolutely required for doing anything whatsoever at all, really. Honest. Smiley faces will be put on all CCTV cameras to cheer up the populace. “Think of them as a loving elder sibling, looking out for your welfare.”
• Teenage mothers will be sent to Re-Education and Enlightenment Camps as a gateway to a network of Productivity Homes, where they can be inculcated with the true British spirit.
• ASBOs will be strictly enforced by the same team responsible for bankers’ bonuses and teenage mothers.
• J. K. Rowling will write a second series of Harry Potter books to revive the British economy. “EDS Capita Goatse have kindly offered to take on the support contract for this work. Apparently they have a very talented fellow called Kevin J. Anderson on the task already.” Kings Cross Station will be completely remodelled to match its depiction in the films.
• The venomous radioactive fanged bats, rotting zombie vultures crying “Nevermore!” and demonic naked sirens swooping around the room apparently tearing bodies apart and blinking in and out of existence are mere Tory propaganda attempting to wear our spirits down.
• Labour will soundly defeat the Liberal Democrats to become the next Opposition.

An election manual, Protect and Survive, was circulated to all members, including useful advice such as “duck and cover.”

“Now is not the time to give in, but to reach inside ourselves for the strength of our convictions!” he finished, at which point Lord Mandelson stopped the speech and led Mr Brown off the stage before he could actually attempt to put his hand down his own throat.

Lord Mandelson indicated the party’s outrage with the unspeakable rudeness of Andrew Marr’s earlier questions as to whether Mr Brown was on medication. “The implication that Gordon’s deeply sincere words were due to the influence of stupendous quantities of powerful hallucinogens lends entirely undue credence to the outrageous fabrications of right-wing bloggers,” said Lord Mandelson. “He’s actually just like that naturally.”

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CASHIER’S DESK, Parliament.co.uk, Friday (NNN) — Conservatives indicated disquiet today with a candidate who was not working as a lobbyist with a public relations firm on the side.

With its new emphasis on the necessity of more efficient government in these straitened times, the party has 140 prospective Tory candidates likely to be elected who work as lobbyists, many having started in the job after their selection. “Greater transparency is needed to help ensure high standards in public life,” said David Cameron, himself a former public relations person. “So we’ll be making a standard price list openly available.”

When so much of the Conservative manifesto remains unwritten, many seek to shape it. But so many Tory candidates working in PR poses a particularly awkward problem for Mr Cameron. “Public relations people aren’t noted for coherent thought, ability to write in a way that doesn’t immediately hit spam filters or, indeed, just not making you want to strangle them,” he said today. “That said, I do believe we could run a dog turd in a suit and tie against Labour and win. So we’re running several.”

Gordon Brown said this was typical of the “Bullingdonian running dogs” of the Conservative Party. “People want deep knowledge and appreciate honesty. It’s not all a shiny smiling face and telly sincerity. Just look at my ratings against those of Cameron or Tony Blair … arse.”

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HECK, Pennsylvania, Friday (NNN) — Leaders of the world’s biggest economies have announced that they have won the financial crisis fight. “It worked,” declared the Group of 20, “and will keep us in power long enough.”

The April G20 meeting declared that the world economy was “facing its greatest challenge in our generation. We must do whatever it takes to shore up the system that has worked so well for our donors and very good friends. And get re-elected.”

Today’s draft statement says that “our forceful response helped stop the dangerous, sharp decline in our credibility and that of the financial markets. The people are still living under bridges and eating boiled shoe leather, but they think we’ve got a plan to get them out of it. God bless ’em and their cute little dreams!”

But there is much to be done. “A sense of normalcy should not lead to complacency. There are 2010 mid-terms to think of as well as the 2012 Presidential election.”

The programme is expected to continue. “As we face the current global and economic crisis, the G20 has proven its effectiveness and usefulness by bringing together leaders of both developed and developing countries in the quest to save their own skins. Gordon’s still totally screwed, of course.”

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COLORING SECTION, Bush Presidential Library, Monday (NNN) — President George W. Bush’s former speechwriter Matt Latimer reveals all in a new book, Speech-Less: Tales of a White House Apologist, about what George W. Bush was really like in power.

“His perception and ability were truly amazing,” said Latimer. “He got so much stuff so right:”

• Sarah Palin, August 2008: “She’s not remotely prepared. I bet you she’ll mess up the VP debate, scare people stupid, lose us the election and then spring a weird and embarrassing surprise resignation on us six months later.”

• Hilary Clinton, January 2008: “She won’t get the nomination. That Obama guy from Chicago will. But he’ll give her and Bill good jobs to make up for it if he gets in.”
• Hank Paulson, May 2006: “You sure we should have him in Treasury? He’s good, but if there’s a real crisis he’ll help his Goldman Sachs buds along and I bet he can’t wait to screw Lehman Brothers over.”
• Kanye West, February 2004, playing his advance copy of The College Dropout: “I’m really happy for him, I’ll let him finish, but Melle Mel was one of the best rappers of all time. One of the best rappers of all time!”
• Osama bin Laden, August 2001: “Hey, the bin Ladens are old family friends. But that Osama. Man, I was never sure about him. Weird guy. We should keep an eye on him.”

The Bush administration was famously fixated on loyalty and message control, and past tell-alls have been severely critical of Mr Bush and his team. “But I haven’t got a bad word to say,” said Mr Latimer. “Not one. And it’s absolutely not the case that Karl Rove called at three in the morning to discuss my entire family and where they live, and it certainly isn’t true that Dick Cheney called at four in the morning offering to take me hunting with him. Absolutely not.”

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BLETCHEROUS PARK, Milton Springsteen, Sunday (NNGadget) — Today, on Programmer’s Day — September 13th, the two hundred and fifty-sixth day of the year — it is time for deep reflection on who we are and how we reached the current state of things.

After breaking the German Enigma Machine codes during the second World War and inventing computer science as we know it, I started work on my next and greatest project: to build the ultimate politician. We would put together a force of bright and shining intellects, prominent academics of brilliance and perspicacity, but adept in the rough and tumble of practical day-to-day politics. A simulated “Max Headroom” smiling face as the frontman, and only a small amount of unearthly, unspeakable eldritch horror as the directing node behind the cluster.

It’s hard to say what I was thinking at the time. A thriving, computer-mediated economy, where machines would do the hard work and hard thinking for the benefit of all humanity. The prospect of a chancellor-bot singing “Daisy, daisy” as I removed his competence boards one by one to turn him into a Prime Minister. The sheer epic spectacle of huge mecha-politicians fighting it out with laser cannons over the smoking ruins of London. At least we got that one.

So on behalf of British technologists, and to all those who live under the CCTV’s watchful eye thanks to my work, I am now free to say: I am so very, very sorry. You deserved so much better.

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OLD GLORY HOLE, The Castro, Wednesday (NNN) — Michael Duvall, California Republican state assemblyman representing Orange County, has resigned his seat after being caught vividly describing lewd details about his trysts with a female lobbyist.

Duvall has insisted he is “not sexual” and that the female lobbyist he spoke of is “really a guy”. “I made up all of these stories! I have two children, so I’ve had sex, uh, that’d be twice. Republicans get married and we only think about money from then on. I swear.”

Many Republican groups are outraged. “If you’re going to break God’s covenant, do it good and hard,” said the Rev Ted Haggard. “None of this pussy-footing around. Geddit? See what I did there?”

Others were less concerned. “These people are implying that fucking a lobbyist with business in front of your committee looks like some sort of ‘corruption,’” said Mark Sanford. “Honi soit, dude. Honi soit.”

Gay groups welcomed the news, having long begged conservative politicians, ministers and commentators to, for the love of God, stop being gay. “Bathroom gropers,” said spokesfag Elle Lucius, “glory hole cocksuckers with herpes sores around their concealed mouths, shadowy men in tight Levis doing unspeakable things in piss-stinking alleys and on massage tables that light up like Christmas under blacklight … these things are all very well in their place. But those suits! That polyester! Dear God, can’t they afford better tailoring? Don’t these people have suburbs to go to?”

The Democratic gay contingent, the Log Cabin Democrats, have long had trouble pushing their point of view in their own party, with their strange and antisocial predilections for decades-long committed relationships rather than the furtive liaisons in airport bathrooms favored by the GOP.

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THE MANCUNIAN CANDIDATE, Kenyawaii, Tuesday (NNN) — Republican fears over Barack Obama’s back-to-school speech to students have not been quelled by the release of the text.

Mr Obama tells students to work hard, set goals, take responsibility for their own future, be self-reliant and diligently pursue the fruits of capitalism and free enterprise. “To hear this coming from a Democrat is obvious Communism,” said Glenn Beck on Fox News. “Obama is literally Stalin.”

“The speech was reasoned, sensible and apolitical,” said Oklahoma State Senator Steve Russell. “This is just an attempt to propagandise Obama as sane and normal, not as the slavering destroyer of humanity we know he is. They might see what he actually looks and talks like, not just what Fox says about him! You’d think we were in socialist North Kenya.”

Others have protested that Mr Obama’s advice to students to stay in school will only increase the possibility of exposure to liberal propaganda. In Minnesota, the state’s Association of School Administrators recommended against showing the president’s speech. “He didn’t scream abuse off-camera, swear unholy vengeance against his opponents or burst into tears once! What happens if students see a politician being calm and low-key talking about the future? They’ll think that’s how you talk about political matters! They’ll think there’s reasonable discussion with the enemy, grey areas, moral relativism. It’s just a short step from there to death panels voting on Kenyan gay marriages.”

“He credited the XBox and iPhone,” said Sarah Palin. “This is a clear attempt to further the Marxist agenda of Democrat Party liberals who’ve used evilution to grow thumbs.”

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THE MEMORY HOLE, Wolverhampton South West, Thursday (NNN) — Labour has criticised Tory MEP Daniel Hannan for citing Adolf Hitler in an interview.

Mr Hannan told Randroid magazine that the 1930s German chancellor understood “the importance of a really good motorway.” He later told the BBC he was a “libertarian” on immigration, but was fully on-side with Mr Hitler over the right grade of asphalt and suitably wide turning circles at interchanges. “His expertise in these matters really isn’t appreciated these days.”

The MEP caused controversy two weeks ago when he gave a stirring speech on US television saying that the NHS would lead to “rivers of blood” — prompting Tory leader David Cameron to ask the media to “pay no attention to the silly, silly man behind the curtain” and gently remind Mr Hannan that getting elected next year would be quite nice, thanks.

Mr Hannan also became a hit on the video sharing site YouTube, with a three minute speech in the European Parliament attacking Gordon Brown, that was set to a clip from the movie Downfall and had “Dragostea Din Tei” as backing music.

The Conservatives said Mr Hannan would not be disciplined because his praise for Mr Hitler had not referred to the late politician’s stance on immigration. “He does have some quite eccentric views about some things,” said Mr Cameron. “Ha! Ha! There’s a reason we sent him off to Europe, where he couldn’t do much harm. Daniel, do feel free not to comment in public on anything whatsoever until next June, there’s a good chap.”

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THE BLACK HOLE OF LOCKERBIE, The Great Game, Saturday (NNN) — FBI Director Robert Mueller harshly criticized the release of Abdelbeset Ali Mohmed al Megrahi, convicted of the Lockerbie bombing, as “a mockery of the rule of law” and “detrimental to the cause of justice engineering.”

Al Megrahi had been serving a life sentence for the 1988 bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland. After many years of appeals over blatantly tampered evidence, in which the British government tried to keep relevant documents secret from the defendant and his lawyers on national security grounds until the judge threatened to throw the conviction out, Al Megrahi was finally released due to terminal prostate cancer and having three months to live.

Al Megrahi was told he could either go home to Libya or stay and die clearing his name. The government declined an option to free al Megrahi and allow him to live in Scotland after senior police officers cited the severe security implications of him opening his mouth where people might listen.

“Obviously, the sight of a mass murderer getting a hero’s welcome in Tripoli is deeply upsetting, deeply distressing,” David Miliband told BBC radio Friday morning. “Since of course he did it, as shown by none of his appeals getting through.”

The Libyan government had accepted that paying $2.7 billion and taking the rap for the bombing was a business requirement of selling oil to the West. But Thursday, after al Megrahi’s return, the Libyan official news agency JANA issued a statement from the government saying that al Megrahi had been “a political hostage,” showing that Gadaffi was obviously a terrorist nutter and a bad loser to boot.

Peter Mandelson pooh-poohed the notion that the release was in any way to sweeten upcoming oil deals. “The idea that the British government and the Libyans would sit down and somehow barter about the freedom of this Libyan prisoner to form some sort of business deal … it’s not only wrong, it’s completely implausible. Furthermore, any such deals in the very near future will be merest coincidence.”

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REEPERBAHN, Helmand, Friday (NNN) — Afghanistan has passed a law permitting Shia men to deny their wives food if they refuse to obey their husbands’ sexual demands, to the embarrassed silence of the international community and its fighting forces.

Activists say the law contradicts the Afghan constitution and international treaties the country has signed. “But I’m sure we can deal with that in due course,” said Afghan president Hamid Karzai, “particularly once the fundies have gotten the votes in. There’s one of those ‘election’ things you people are so fond of coming up, you know.”

Proposed amendments include having to ask nicely and not slapping a bitch too hard afterwards. Non-marital rapists will be required to pay “blood money” to girls injured during a rape, before the girl is of course stoned to death as an adulterer.

General Sir David Richards noted that British military involvement in the country may last decades. “This is what our boys are dying for. Half a century of legal rape is a small price to pay for truth and justice for all men.”

The US and Britain invaded Afghanistan to deal with the Taliban and “bomb them back to the stone age. But it looks like they’re already there, which saves us some time.”

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Guest post by Joe Kovacs of WorldNetDaily

GROUND ZERO, The Rapture, any day now, you’ll see (WND exclusive) — For centuries, Christians have wondered about the identity of a future leader who will do Satan’s bidding to thwart the plans of Jesus Christ and introduce socialised medicine shortly before His prophesied return to Earth. That leader has come to be known as “the antichrist.”

Now, advanced analysis of Luke 10:18 — “I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven” — shows that the Greek word for “lightning” is “astrape,” the Hebrew word for which is “Baraq;” and the Hebrew for “height,” as in “heaven,” is “Bamah.”

The financial bailout, started as a holy work by George W. Bush, demonstrates the Kenyan citizen Obama’s Satanic intentions in having the temerity to continue it, evangelising the worship of Mammon in the sinful financial alleys of New York.

Further research has shown that Obama’s health policies go directly against the word of Leviticus, in their subsidy for gay marriage, divorce, mixed fibers and shellfish. Leviticus chapter 1 also specifies how God likes His barbecue done in important detail.

Finally, the Wikipedia article on Obama has had vital information on the real circumstances of his birth removed repeatedly by the cabal of leftist Satan-worshipping administrators, despite the efforts of several users (User:JoeKovacs, User:KovacsJoe, User:JKovacs and User:JKWND in particular) to preserve it. The word “wiki” comes from the pagan word for “quick,” while “pedia” means “sex with children.”

Indeed, the Internet is the source of some of the most horrifyingly Satanic material in existence, proselytising the One-World government of the Antichrist forming around the Democrat Party. We must fight this every day, without fail. We must battle for the destruction of the world Net, daily … I’m sorry, I’ll start again.

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