News of the News

WASILLA HIGH SCHOOL, Alaiskah, Friday (NNN) — Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin has suddenly resigned, citing attacks from the press making it impossible to do her job.

“Let me explain it with basketball. It’s the national full-court press picking away right now. A good point guard drives through a full court press like a mav’rick, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket. Then the winged monkeys descend, in gay married pairs, flinging poop at me an’ reciting the Koran in French. And I shoot them outa the sky — bang, bang, pow! Quitters stick it out, but winners quit! For victory!”

The governor put her famous financial prudence at the core of the decision. “I can’t let your money and time go to waste just so I can hold the title of governor. That I’ll get ten times the cash on the fundie lecture circuit doesn’t affect my decision at all.”

Mrs Palin firmly omitted crediting by any mention the ridiculous allegations of corruption in the construction of the Wasilla Stadium and coincidental observations that the family’s house was built at the same time by the same contractors from the same materials, such as large, expensive windows that took a crane to hoist to the second floor and specialized training and tools to install. “Todd and a few buddies busted ’em out over a few weekends with a few six-packs. We needed ’em to see Russia.”

Republican commentators expressed their untrammeled joy at and admiration of Mrs Palin’s brilliant move, noting its similarity to the bit where Vader kills Gandalf and he then comes back to kill Voldemort. “The Palins are just staying in Paraguay for a few short months,” said Bill Kristol on Fox News, “until the financial mudslinging stops. Then she’ll be back to run for President! A resounding shot of hope has been fired!” Up to several protestors took to the streets in urban areas with signs saying “STOP WASHINGTON,” “STOP OBAMA” and “SAVE SARAH” before being returned to the Republican Preservation National Parks in Utah and Alaska.

Mrs Palin’s last words were for the mainstream liberal media. “As I leave you, I want you to know — just think how much you’re gonna be missing. You won’t have Palin to kick around any more. Because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference and it’ll be one in which I’ve welcomed the opportunity to test wits with you. You betcha!”

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TOYNBEE, Internationale, Saturday (Mediocre Grauniad) — In an interview with The Guardian, Gordon Brown teased and taunted Britain and the Labour Party with claims that “I could walk away from all of this tomorrow. I’m hurt, terribly hurt by the things people have said.”

Cabinet gritted its teeth and stifled the urge to shout “THEN FUCKING GO,” realising there was no-one on hand who was any less rubbish.

“I’m not as great a presenter of information or communicator as I would like to be. I don’t actually think I’m very good at it at all. That thing you do with your face, where the corners of your mouth go up, that Peter does when he’s dancing on skulls … it’s weird and unnatural.”

He also spoke of the “common purpose” between Lord Mandelson and himself. “I must say, his way with the vertebrae of anyone who crosses him is really quite impressive, not to mention his skills with eye of newt and tongue of frog. People in the Labour Party are coming to appreciate his talents, or at least the ones who enjoy being able to walk. There’s great affection for him now, and hardly any garlic or silver crosses.”

Despite the issues his party had faced in the last month, Mr Brown said he was confident Labour could still win the next general election for two reasons: Labour’s huge successes in handling the economy and MPs’ expenses, and truly stupendous quantities of hallucinogenic chemicals in the water supply for 10 Downing Street.

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SHOCKED, SHOCKED, Casablanca, Friday (NNN) — Giving in to public pressure, the House of Commons yesterday revealed all MP expense claims for the past five years, heralded on the front page of every newspaper today with pictures of large black rectangles and all cryptic crosswords and Sudokus being replaced with public participatory efforts to go through the raw data looking for the most jawdropping claims.

“I am shocked and appalled,” said Prime Minister Gordon Brown, “that my government would conceal its expenses from its leader, who knew nothing of this at all, and then attempt to conceal the concealing. Don’t they trust me?“

The results were fed through an experimental Cleanfeed Internet filter, switched on after the Ministry of Defence had asked BT to block all UK access to Wikileaks.org to conceal the documents showing they had accidentally revealed the location of MI5 as oops, it’s slipped my mind.

“Revealing MPs’ expenses will only grant succour to journalists and paedophiles,” said the Internet Watch Foundation. “Trust us on this.”

“I can categorically assure taxpayers that arse feck we’re busted,” said retiring Speaker Michael Martin.

The Liberal Democrats have signaled their intention to seize the day, look this gift horse in the mouth and completely fail to turn it to anything resembling electoral advantage. As usual.

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THE END TIMES, Canberra, one hundred light-years behind (NotScientist) — A two-hour meeting with Australia’s Chief Scientist Penny Sackett has failed to convince Family First Senator Steven Fielding that human activity is the main cause of climate change.

Senator Fielding also expressed scepticism concerning chemistry, physics, evolution and the “Galilean heresies” concerning the Earth and the Sun and was not entirely sure of this new-fangled “arithmetic” or its place in our schools. He was unimpressed by Dr Sackett’s “evasions” when he questioned her. “When I asked her ‘why do carbon emissions only prove the Earth is six thousand years old and we’ll all have gone to Heaven in the Rapture by the time it becomes a problem?’, she wanted to rephrase my question and not answer it. Then she’d bang her head on the wall, I don’t know why.”

Senator Fielding has recently returned from a fact-finding mission to the United States, where he met with several climate change sceptics and Discovery Institute scientists who revealed to him how “magic beans” were responsible for temperature rises. “We also established that homosexuality causes greenhouse gases. But if we can filter the carbon dioxide at the Internet, apparently, we should be able to stop it dead in its tracks.”

The Government’s prospects of getting its carbon trading scheme through the Senate this fortnight rest with Senator Fielding and other crossbench senators who hold the balance of power. The Greens and Independent Senator Nick Xenophon also refused to back the scheme, but are thought to understand basic logic and mathematics and so may have objections that do not cause neural injury to contemplate.

The Australian Senate is elected by proportional representation per state. Senator Fielding represents those constituents, otherwise discriminated against, who remain climate change sceptics, evolution sceptics, ten-finger sceptics, outbreeding sceptics and walking upright sceptics.

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THE WHITE HOUSE, Tehran, Sunday (NNN) — Controversy reigns after the Iranian election on Saturday, in which incumbent President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was re-elected with a landslide 63% of the vote and returns from all districts precisely matched Government pre-poll predictions.

Mr Ahmadinejad credits his win to democratic methods perfected by George W. Bush. “We fully understand the international community’s desires to see that Iran’s democracy transparently works to the highest standards found in other nations. Mr Bush’s work has been exemplary.”

The “hanging chad” technique has been particularly effective. “Rounding up opposition voters, politicians and journalists named Chad and hanging them. In those cases where the opposition insurgent was not named Chad, we of course took care to change their names to Chad posthumously. Democratic procedures must not only be observed, they must be seen to be observed.”

“I stand one hundred per cent behind my brother Mahmoud,” said Supreme Leader Ali Khameini Rove of the Project for a New Iranian Century. “Occasionally with his mouth moving in time with the movements of my hand. Clever, isn’t it?”

Mr Ahmadinejad has been condemned by some as a “lunatic redneck” and “a gibbering madman perilously close to the nuclear button.” “These charges are most unfair. When I declaimed the necessity of obliterating and deleting the unnameable Zionist entity with cleansing atomic fire, it was implicit in these statements that we would need to reach a resolution to undertake such action through proper procedures of international diplomacy. Mr Bush’s excellent work in decapitating Saddam Hussein’s odious regime shows the way forward in this regard.”

“We stand in solidarity with the Iranian people,” said President-in-Exile Al Gore from his cave high in the mountains of Afghanistan. “For my own part, I will never give up the fight to take back America and Iran from the Republican counterrevolutionaries and will not rest until all Americans and Iranians breathe the free air of socialism … what? Democrats elected? Huh, next you’ll try telling me the President’s black. You can’t fool me! Back where you came from!”

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RATCHED, Westminster, Saturday (NNN) — In a survey of over 600 people working in Westminster, less than half were able to locate their heart on a diagram, less than one third could distinguish the gluteal muscle from the joint in their arm and many could not locate their own posterior under any circumstances.

The researchers said they found little difference in understanding of human anatomy between their survey and a similar one done in April 1979.

The results showed that:

• Knowledge was poor and had dropped back to the same level as thirty years ago.

• Many stoutly asserted that the heart was “propaganda” and “a myth” and that any such organ would be entirely unfeasible in practice.
• Despite inability to locate the gluteal muscle, in many subjects it was 90% of their bodily mass, with a large nerve going directly to the pocket located adjacent to it.
• Those whose hip pocket nerve was most problematic had the most trouble locating it or even admitting to its existence.

“Human anatomy remains a mystery to most of these people,” said John Weinman, who led the study, “though it is questionable how relevant it is to some of them.”

Suggested remedies include radical surgery to remove the most prominently overgrown gluteal muscles, scheduled to be performed no later than 5th May 2010.

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INIQUITY, Macau, Tuesday (NNN) — Kim Jong-nam, the eldest son of North Korean Dear Leader Kim Jong-il, has confirmed reports of his younger brother Kim Jong-un succeeding his father, in an interview with Japanese NTV.

“The appointment of a successor is totally my father’s decision. Jong-un is certainly the man for the job. Chip off the old block, he is. Who wouldn’t want to inherit somewhere in as good shape as North Korea? Fantastic past, fantastic present, fantastic future. Who wouldn’t choose military parades and announcing a 30% increase in mud pie production over drinking, whoring and gambling? I’m sure there’ll be no war crimes trials for the lucky fellow in the hot seat when the hollow shell collapses. Because it won’t, of course. And isn’t hollow. We just feel the rest of the world isn’t ready to share the bountiful socialist wealth flowing from our policy of Juche. Of course!”

Kim Jong-nam denied reports he had defected or was living in exile. “Macau and China are great places. Not as great as North Korea, of course! No, no. I just like it here.”

There has been much speculation over who would follow Mr Kim, who is thought to have suffered a stroke last year. North Korean officials were reportedly told to support Kim Jong-un after the North’s 25 May nuclear test. “Certainly I haven’t heard of any purges or midnight executions of perceived supporters of mine. Because I’m not seeking any. Or the job. No, no, Jong-un’s your fellow. Fabulous bloke. ’Scuse me, just got to look up departure times for planes to Xinjiang Province, or perhaps deepest Siberia. Lovely to catch you, must do lunch, love ya babe!”

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PRIVY COUNCIL, Flush Twice, Friday (NNN) — Lord Peter Mandelson has become deputy prime minister in the latest cabinet reshuffle, one of the highest positions held by an unelected politician in recent times. Joining him is Sir Alan Sugar, to become Lord Sugar, as enterprise secretary.

“Elections are so passé,” said Lord Mandelson, “don’t you think? Look at the EU vote. They couldn’t think of any proper parties to vote for, so the few who showed up and could, you know, work a pencil voted in the Nazis and those UKIP idiots.

“Clearly, elections are an idea whose time has passed. We need to get back to a monarchy with a solid system of courtiers. Thus, only the unelected can join the cabinet and, in due course, become Prime Minister. Or Grand Vizier, as I prefer to call the rôle.”

Lord Mandelson reassured everyone that Gordon Brown had seen off the latest round of attackers with knives for his back and that Mr Brown was safe in his position for at least another week. “But should he take ill or otherwise be unavoidably detained, in a dungeon or tower or similar, you will be comforted to know that strictly temporary succession plans are firmly in place and he has a deputy ready to do the job pro tempore. Just in case it should prove unfortunately necessary.”

Lord Mandelson also reassured everyone that Lord Sugar was not merely waiting for the right moment to break the news to Mr Brown. “Or the cameras.”

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BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Brussels, Wednesday — Given the choice of thieves and/or liars, neo-Nazis, palaeo-Nazis and plain gibbering nutters, those voters who bothered with the 2009 European Parliament elections rather than staying home to work on their taste for White Lightning have reluctantly and with great pain chosen the Greens as the gibbering nutters of choice, despite the party’s deep suspicion of any technology or medicine more complicated or considered than banging two rocks together. Sustainably-quarried rocks, chiseled in a free-range masonry with high quality state-funded education.

The party maintains that its position on technology, science and medicine has been grossly misrepresented. “The spiritual colon cleansing over MPs’ expenses has been vastly entertaining for all, for example. Furthermore, bombing — I mean, gently encouraging — Westminster back to the Stone Age is a surefire winner for our national ambitions.”

The UK Independence Party accused Eurocrat electoral infiltrators of having “robbed” it of votes in the design of the ballot paper as its voters could not find it on the ballot, being unable to figure out how to unfold the paper. The party will be mounting a legal challenge on the matter as soon as they find consultants able to explain to them how to work pencils.

The remaining Labour voters have demanded legal protection as a minority cult religion, or possibly a diagnosable mental illness.

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ODDIE, Whitehall, Friday (NNN) — The call of the MP is disappearing from Westminster’s countryside, according to the latest research that adds the little-loved species to a growing “red list” of the country’s most endangered birds for the first time, according to the latest assessment of Britain’s 646 Members of Parliament by the RSPB (Royal Society for the Protection of Bastards).

The MP, which funds its nest-eggs from the nests of others, has suffered a drastic decline in habitat and in the resources of those species it parasitises. The number of MPs considered to be most endangered has risen to over 50%, mostly from the left side of the field.

The MP’s unmistakable two-note call, described by Wordsworth as a “ker-CHING!”, is traditionally known as “the harbinger of Happy Hour.”

“When the RSPB was formed, few would have been concerned about the MP, the family member parliamentary researcher, the moat around the nest,” said Society leader Gordon Brown. “Now these creatures are some of our most endangered species. Won’t someone please think of the parliamentarians! Think of the tedious twats who’d be left without us! Just imagine Frank Field as speaker!”

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INTERNATIONAL FRONT, Little Britain, 4th June (NNN) — The forthcoming European Parliament elections have been shaken up by the push from the Christian Party, with their simple and direct platform: “Never mind who we are, what we plan or who our backers are — we’re not the BNP!”

British National Party supporters have been keen to post to newspaper comment sites at great length how there is no evidence whatsoever of BNP racism, despite the minor detail of a whites-only policy in the party constitution. There are widespread fears that, should the BNP gain a seat in the European Parliament, they may attempt to organise a drinking event in a brewery.

The Christian Party has been sufficiently well-funded to field candidates across the country and pay for tremendous quantities of advertising and billboards, tastefully decorated with swastikas to show how unlike the BNP they are.

Comparison of the Christian Party and BNP platforms reveals similar or identical policies concerning EU membership, British national interests, ecological concerns, women’s rights, gay rights and express support of Christianity.

“But we’re not the BNP! Look, we’ve got a black candidate! We use the word ‘Christian!’ Vote for us! We’re not neo-Nazis! Just nearly.”

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THE LITTLE MPs’ ROOM, The Black Hole of Westminster, Friday (NNN) — In the MP expenses scandal, voters and media are looking to those Members of Parliament who can show a clear expense record. A leading fighter for openness on expenses is Frank Field, Labour member for Birkenhead.

“Frank has put up Excel spreadsheets showing his complete expense record on his website, including statistical analyses and pivot tables,” said Gordon Brown through gritted teeth. “He sets an example for all of us, and is the closest we have to a candidate for Speaker. I look forward to working with the swotty little goit and flushing the little arselicker’s head every morning recess in the Commons toilets.”

The annoying little dweeb has been famed in the past for his free-market affiliations and open criticisms of Labour policies. It is thought that this is mostly due not to ideology, but rather his geeky lack of social skills and delight in finding ways to annoy people that they can’t openly slap him for. He is also inordinately proud of his gold stars for attendance both in Commons and at St Tedious-In-The-Suburbs Anglican Church.

Close inspection of Mr Field’s records have shown no sign of expense abuse, though Sir John Major did let out several annoyed squeaks at Mr Field’s claims for 2B pencils, pointing out in high dudgeon that HB pencils were harder and therefore consumed lead at a slower rate. He also insinuated that he was better at tiddlywinks and programming BBC Model B microcomputers than Mr Field would ever be, not even to mention Mr Field’s lack of knowledge of cricket statistics or the deficiencies of his bus ticket collection.

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WHIRLING KNIVES, The Black Hole of Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) — An MP lost four full in-trays of dubious expenses after he was hypnotised into believing that he had a gastric band fitted, it has been claimed.

“I have tried every other diet and exercise plan the world has to offer,” said Michael Martin, until recently Speaker of the House. “I’ve tried tablets, WeightWatchers, Atkins, SlimFast, the shit-yourself-if-you-look-at-an-expense-claim drugs and even a personal trainer, but none of them helped me.”

However, with the miracle treatment, his expenses were revealed to the world. “Now I have lost a vast pile of questionable claims! And my job. And the pay for it. Bugger.

“Bizarrely, I can remember every part of the ‘procedure’ — including being wheeled into theatre, the clink of the surgeon’s knife and even the complete absence of anaesthetic.”

The procedure is being recommended across Parliament as expense recovery leaves mere shreds of flesh that are unlikely to be left standing next election.

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MEMBERS’ BAR, Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) — The House of Lords has suspended two Labour peers, Lord Truscott and Lord Taylor of Blackburn, for being stupid enough to get caught offering to influence legislation for money.

Two other Labour peers, Lord Snape and Lord Moonie, were cleared of similar allegations, but apologised to the Lords for “almost getting caught.” (Lords Potter and Sirius were not available for comment.)

“The trust that people place in parliament and parliamentarians has sunk like a stone,” thundered Lord Archer. “It does serious damage to the reputation of the house,” added Lord Black from his American residence. “It has meant being shouted at in the street, our spouses being reluctant to go to our local communities because of what people have been saying,” said Lord Lucan, speaking from Goa in India.

The last member of the upper house to be suspended was Thomas Savile, 1st Earl of Sussex, who was also barred in 1642 for siding with Gordon Brown.

“I am being made a scapegoat,” said Lord Truscott. “There are other peers far more stupid than me. Than I. Infamy, infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!”

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APPLE PIE, Texas, Friday (NNN) — Facing increased marginalisation, the Republican Party is concentrating on its core audience and values.

“We are completely against the Obama stimulus spending,” said Rush Limbaugh, speaking through Party chair Michael Steel. “We favour subsidies for no-one and nothing, and feel the Great Recession can best be repaired by moving to a laissez-faire system of primitive hunting and gathering.”

Economic policies are a sideline, however, for the most important Republican stances. “We are firmly in favor of personal responsibility, except to do with sex. It’s necessary to the health and security of America to enforce sex only once a month for procreation, and putting gays or suspected gays in the stocks in the public square. Just Say No!”

Colin Powell, the traitorous Obama-voter, told a GOP audience last week that “the Republican Party is in deep trouble.” Mr Powell also claimed that the Earth goes around the Sun and is not flat. He was burned at the stake later in the evening. “Powell was never a real Republican,” said Limbaugh. “Nor was Arlen Specter. I’ve got my doubts about Lincoln too.”

As a GOP discussion continues, the probability of one participant calling another a “Democrat” approaches one. However, the party will respect the national mood and advance moderates it feels are in tune with its core. “Ideally we’re looking for a creationist Pentecostal abstinence-touting book-banning Alaskan separatist gun nut MILF with crossed eyes like Dan Quayle’s and the conversational powers of George Bush, who’s black. That’d be a candidate with real crossover potential.”

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KIM’S HAPPY PLACE, Pyongyang, Wednesday (NNN) — North Korea has threatened to carry out nuclear missile tests unless the UN Security Council apologises for its “unseemly snickering” at their recent rocket launch falling into the sea.

“The communications satellite was successfully launched and is fulfilling its mission, sending transmissions from Pacific Ocean life in deep space,” a Pyongyang communiqué said today. “If the UN does not take back its grievous slanders, we will be forced to retaliate with the full force of our mighty nuclear arsenal. Our dad will beat up your dad too.”

North Korea conducted its first and only nuclear test in 2006, described as “completely successful” and “revealing new dimensions in gunpowder science.”

North Korea’s foreign ministry also said “the UN should apologise for infringing our sovereignty, retract all its resolutions and decisions against us and stop being big meanies. It’s so unfair!”

It also announced plans to build a light-water nuclear reactor, a domestic robot, a flying car and a “really cool thing we haven’t finished drawing yet, but expect to have ready soon as our great nation continues to make tremendous advances in crayon science.”

Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il announced a glorious 30% increase in industrial output and a 35% increase in food production as the cardboard ran out and the factories started shaping raw contaminated mud into loaves. South Korea sighed at the news and looked forward to a peace dividend similar to that reaped by Germany in 1990 when the North finally collapses and they have to clean up the mess.

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HAPPY FIELDS, Langeweile Macht Frei, Monday (NNN) — The Home Office has dismissed Sir Al Aynsley-Green’s report condemning the conditions for children of refugees seeking asylum in the UK.

Jacqui Smith stressed the importance of immigration services to national security. “It is vital that we remain the sort of country that sends a dozen police officers to haul sleeping children out of their beds, pushes them into stinking caged vans, drives them for hours while they wet themselves and locks them up for months with no medical care or prospect of release. We asked a Daily Mail reader survey.”

Phil Woolas dismissed reports that unaccompanied asylum-seeking children are selling sex to pay for legal representation due to restrictions to legal aid funding. “That’s ridiculous. We’d be monsters to let such a thing happen, so obviously it can’t be. But we’ve denied HIV-positive refugees AIDS medication on the NHS, which will discourage them from such lifestyle choices.”

Article 37 of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child states that the detention of a child “shall be used only as a measure of last resort and for the shortest appropriate period of time.” “That would be 42 days,” said Ms Smith. “Then we let them out for a walk and lock them up for another 42 days. It’s for all our safety.”

Mr Woolas counseled caution. “We have reason to believe the children may be secret Gurkhas, trying to inveighle their way into the country in order to fight to the death for it. Trained killers!”

The UK will remain a thriving democracy whose citizens, residents and visitors can live “confident of their freedom in a just society,” said Ms Smith, except if they’re brown or use a camera in public.

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KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON, And Shopping, Saturday (NNN) — Police enquiries have so far failed to turn up any clear evidence of a terrorist conspiracy forty-eight hours after the arrests of Pakistani terror subjects across Britain. No evidence has been found of bombs, bomb-making parts, precursor chemicals to make explosives, a bomb factory, weapons, ammunition or plans to do anything anywhere with such items.

“But they had cameras in public,” said Manchester police chief Luckless Cipher. “They were seen taking photographs near a nightclub shopping centre and other crowded public places. Completely consistent with students in a new area taking photos to show friends and family. Or … TERRORIST RECONNAISSANCE!”

There is also evidence they used Google Street View. “And then went the places they’d looked up! Well. It doesn’t get much clearer than that.”

The eleven subjects are being held another week for intense questioning on their favoured lens, camera model and ISO setting.

Counterterrorism officials remain unsure of basic elements of the conspiracy, such as the targets. “But there is lots of material that when put together may take us somewhere. It will hopefully be a long and drawn-out investigation. They’d probably been down the pub with Ian Tomlinson before he drunkenly and aggressively backed into a police baton. They’ve probably got child porn! Is this territory where you can take a risk? Think of the children!”

Al-Qaeda reports a two-month backlog on membership and has asked applicants to please be patient.

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THE MEMORY HOLE, Westminster, Tuesday (NNGadget) — The Home Office has announced new security measures for identity cards.

“The biometrics, chip and PIN, RFID transponder, fingerprint-reader, real-time spectroscopic DNA analyser and two-way radio that demands ‘papers please!’ in a cod-German accent inexplicably failed to completely eliminate identity fraud or stop terrorism,” said Home Secretary For Life Jacqui Smith, “so we’re getting back to the basics of PFI-funded governmental identity management: magic beans, pixie dust and snake oil. EDS Capita Goatse’s experience in these areas is unparalleled.”

Identification procedures have duly been enhanced. Magic beans are squashed into the paper driving licence, producing a pixie-dust effect when inspected by the police. Day-to-day purchases are made smoother by the snake oil, with the pixie-dust glow authenticating the transaction. Frequenters of brothels will be able to require the prostitute to wave her identity card at them and be reassured by the pixie-dust glitter certifying her bona fides as a legal resident.

The requirements for getting a bank account — a retinal scan, hair clippings, 250 millilitres of blood and three documents for every address change since twenty years before your birth — remain unchanged.

The new identity card weighs thirty-five kilograms. All UK residents must carry it everywhere at all times and produce it on demand of council bin inspectors or any higher official.

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MINISTRY OF BURLESQUE, Church of Satin, Saturday (NNN) — The Government today expressed its “outrage” that Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand could not personally be forced to pay the £150,000 fine against the BBC for their prank calls to Andrew Sachs.

Thousands of complaints were filed with Ofcom after the Daily Mail figured it would be a handy front-page outrage for a couple of weeks.

Communities Secretary Hazel Blears said she thought the stars should be made to pay the penalty themselves. “Surely whatever will play well with the Daily Mail is what the good people of this country want. These ‘laws’ only get in the way of doing what is right … this week.”

“This is much more shocking than Fred Goodwin’s pension or ministerial expenses,” said Jacqui Smith. “Particularly mine. Pitchforks and torches that way! Not this way!”

“Hellooo, still mortified and stuff!” said Georgina Baillie. “Oy! Over here! Look, tits! God, I’m never going to be back in Nuts at this rate.”

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