News of the News

CRAPLAND, M25, Thursday (NNN) — Watford Council has barred access to two adventure playgrounds to parents, in order to protect their own children from them. Despite being widely publicised in the Daily Mail, it turned out the story was in fact accurate.

“We have made sure all children are under the care of qualified CRB checked and legit staff!!!” said Dorothy Thornhill, mayor of Watford, in her ‘blog.’ “I bet the parents can’t say that!!!!!”

Ms Thornhill said this action was required by Ofsted regulations, despite Ofsted saying even they weren’t so stupid as this. “Everyone knows most assaults on children come from their own parents, not from bogeymen strangers!! Imagine what the papers would say if a child was snatched from the playground and brutally beaten and violated and killed!!!!!!!!! We would never hear the end of it!!!!!!!

“No, better two adventure playgrounds contain only our legitimate CRB-checked, DNA-stored and GPS-tracked supervisory staff and no-one else whatsoever!! than allow even one child to be harmed!!!!!!!!! Not to mention us. We have an election thingy coming up next year, you know.”

Ms Thornhill refused further comment, leaving to have fun on the playground equipment with the qualified supervisors, other councillors and senior council staff. “Bugger off. It’s ours.”

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EUROTRASH, Antoine de Caunes, Tuesday (NNN) — The great Scottish British English tennis ace Andy Murray stunned observers with his brilliant moral victory over the Spaniard Chilean Fernando González at the French Open in Roland Garres on Tuesday afternoon, showing these people-who-begin-at-Calais what-for and romping home with one brilliant set to the Chilean’s robotic and soulless three.

“He correctly identified the ‘ball,’ a round object that one apparently hits with a ‘tennis bat’ — or ‘bat de tennis,’ to use the Continental term — over a ‘net,’ at least three times out of every four,” said veteran Telegraph sports commentator Ian Chadband. “With this level of skill on tap, continued and unstoppable British dominance of all known sporting endeavours is absolutely assured.”

The Chilean pretender disgraced himself, his country and the entire Hispanic race with his silly headband, quite ridiculous metrosexual stubble, childish yellow shirt and brutish retreat to mere thuglike physical force and accuracy over the considered, reasoned, subtle planning and brilliance employed by our chap Murray. “His comical hot-blooded Latin fist-shaking whenever he technically ‘won’ a ‘point’ was particularly amusing. One more such victory and they are surely ruined.”

The wily French openly conspired with their South American crony to set up their Open on a primitive artificial clay court, rather than the proper grass field favoured by gentlemen. “Still, educating such backward savages is the white man’s burden and why we have an Empire,” noted Chadband.

“‘Gonzo’! What sort of puffery is a name like that, I ask you? Such foolishness in the noble game of tennis just isn’t cricket.”

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