News of the News

TIN ARM ALLEY, Public NME, Friday (N! News) — After telling the others to fuck off several years ago, Robbie Williams has, after a string of epic failures, come grovelling back to Take That in the hope of enough income to pay for his, er, mineral water.

“Williams? I vaguely recall the name,” said Gary Barlow, leader of the band. “First name’s ‘Cunt,’ right? ‘Fuckhead’? ‘Shitstick’? Something like that.”

After the band’s reformation in 2005, Barlow successfully matured the former boy band’s sound and achieved two hit albums. “I understand there’s some twatrag who wants to rejoin Take That,” he spat. “I was inclined to courier him a turd in a box, but someone offered to back several dumptrucks filled with gold bullion up to our houses if we let the dogfucker on the same stage as us. He’ll have to start at the bottom, of course, but I’m sure there’s lots we can do to make him feel as welcome as he deserves.”

Williams discussed the reunion on Jonathan Ross this evening. “Gary’s just joshing. We’re getting on great — even when we weren’t speaking, he was keeping in touch, sending me press clippings of every Take That reunion chart position and sold-out arena show. I was even along on Mark Owen’s stag night. I’d thought it was traditional to tie the groom to a lamp post with a bucket on his head, his pants off and his cock painted bright red, but I took it in good spirits. Love the guys. Love ’em.”

A reunion tour may take place next year. “I’ve got Robbie’s rider sorted out,” said Barlow. “Ours is a suitable selection of wines, spirits and juices and I’ve got to check the portaloo outlet for his. Can’t wait to work with him again.”

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SECURITY ZOETROPE, Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) A device claimed to “smell” human fear is being marketed as identifying terrorists by detecting “fear pheromones” in sweat.

“The challenge lies in the characterisation and identification of the specific chemical that gives away the signature of human fear,” said project leader Professor Tong Sun of City University, “especially the fear of losing funding for security theatre. If we can reliably detect this fear, we should be able to land some eyewateringly lucrative contracts in the very near future.”

The research is funded by the Home Office. “The project relies on a government with a firm commitment to policy-based science, but the Tories look as craven over David Nutt’s firing as Labour, so we should be coining it in for a good while yet.”

The technology will assist airport security officers in picking out suitable subjects. Sensors can reliably detect if someone is a bit brown, or a bit foreign-looking, or has a non-Anglo-Saxon name, or if they might be thinking of giving cheek to security officers. It will work in conjunction with the millimetre-wave “naked” radar, currently used to identify terrorist subjects with large breasts and nice arses.

The false positive rate will be only 5% on a terrorist detection rate of 1 in 100,000, meaning only 99.95% of subjects flagged will be a complete waste of time to finger up the arse with a latex glove. “But we’re sure the government will agree that mere statistical evidence is meaningless in the face of the vital necessity to send the right message,” said Prof Sun, “that if you make trouble the government will quite literally forcibly fuck you in the arse until you bleed. So just shut the fuck up and keep giving us money.”

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ISLINGTON, Socialist Republic of North London, Tuesday (NNN) — President Barack Obama, Bill Gates and Bono are being invited to back a “vague middle-class interest portal” website, Hope Plus, to promote social politics.

“A global eBay-PeaceCorps-wiki-social-media-network-community-thingy is absolutely the most useful thing the modern world could have right now,” says founder Phil Noble of PoliticsOnline. “We already have lots of pictures of smiling African children.”

Mr Noble was inspired by his previous work for the BBC. “If we can tap into that Guardian demographic, we should be able to get people to really feel they’re doing their bit for the world, reducing their carbon footprint, cutting the poisons out of our air, water and food and feeding and educating the hungry by clicking on a website. People are good at clicking on stuff. We might even have some online petitions!“

The initiative is being bolstered by seed money from Microsoft. “I’ve long held that giving the poor the finest of our technology and the highest quality patented seeds is the way to advance everyone’s interests,” said Mr Gates, “particularly my own. I mean, my charity’s.” U2 has donated another copy of the bassline they have used on their last eight albums.

The Daily Mail will be starting Grumpy Plus, a portal for people to show their support for everything being so much worse than when they were young and everyone was polite and helpful and beat Hitler and you didn’t have to worry about coloured gay Polish asylum seekers ruining the price of your house. The Mail’s demographic is not as Internet-enabled, so the site will work by people mailing in coupons from the paper.

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DAS BUNKER, Westminster, Monday — Adolf Hitler has apologised for any “upset” caused by a “clumsily” worded e-mail, comparing his treatment to that of MPs over their expenses.

Mr Hitler, the Chancellor of Germany, made the apology after Roosevelt and Churchill had pointed out that comparing himself to David Wilshire, Tory MP for Spelthorne, was “frankly ludicrous”.

In his email response to subsequent correspondence, which he said had included death threats, Mr Hitler wrote: “The witch-hunt against Nazis in general will undermine democracy. Branding a whole group of people as undesirables led to the horror and carnage of the MP expenses scandal.”

He apologised for “comparing myself to an odious entitled twat like that Wilshire wanker — at least I didn’t pay half my bloody salary to Eva as a ‘researcher,’” but said he felt a bit put out that his hard work for German lebensraum and really good motorways was completely underappreciated. “I could show MPs how to live off bloody rations, mate.”

Mr Hitler was forced to announce last month that he would step down as leader of the Third Reich.

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PAGE 3, Wapping, Saturday (Mediocre Grauniad) — Your Super Soaraway Sun! comes out today against DISGRACEBOOK, the vile “social networking” system used by perverts, murderers, paedos, Catholic priests, Guardian readers, Labour ministers and other SICK FILTH.

Your Sun has mounted a FULL INVESTIGATION into the Facebook DEN OF INIQUITY, with an intrepid Sun journalist risking his life and reputation going into the front-line of fire on the site, posing as an ordinary person and yet securing several SERIOUSLY DIRTY afternoon liaisons with previously decent and innocent young ladies (pictures on pages 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12) — all carefully verified as being just over sixteen — so as to courageously root out this CYBER-FOULNESS.

The Sun can reveal that Farcebook has NO flagging mechanism to filter out PERVERTS, MURDERERS and FRAUDSTERS, unlike socially responsible places for friends such as the family-friendly MySpace network.

“Facebook DISGUSTS any decent British person,” says Luscious Lucy, 19, of Sheppey, in her editorial opinion column on page 3 today. “MYSPACE is a much more decent, wholesome and PATRIOTIC place to meet people. I’d never let my family anywhere else. Here’s my perky, puffy nipples on the site, in case you’re not sure.”

Even our NEXT PRIME MINISTER Dave “DAVE” Cameron agrees. “Yes, I saw about Facebook on Sky News. We’ve consulted with relevant senior media figures, and will be looking into severely restricting Facebook’s odious operations in the UK and requiring MySpace for widest possible public access to government services. I’m also told there’s an excellent service called Delphi that the British people should be encouraged to use. Toodle pip!”

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CRAPLAND, M25, Thursday (NNN) — Watford Council has barred access to two adventure playgrounds to parents, in order to protect their own children from them. Despite being widely publicised in the Daily Mail, it turned out the story was in fact accurate.

“We have made sure all children are under the care of qualified CRB checked and legit staff!!!” said Dorothy Thornhill, mayor of Watford, in her ‘blog.’ “I bet the parents can’t say that!!!!!”

Ms Thornhill said this action was required by Ofsted regulations, despite Ofsted saying even they weren’t so stupid as this. “Everyone knows most assaults on children come from their own parents, not from bogeymen strangers!! Imagine what the papers would say if a child was snatched from the playground and brutally beaten and violated and killed!!!!!!!!! We would never hear the end of it!!!!!!!

“No, better two adventure playgrounds contain only our legitimate CRB-checked, DNA-stored and GPS-tracked supervisory staff and no-one else whatsoever!! than allow even one child to be harmed!!!!!!!!! Not to mention us. We have an election thingy coming up next year, you know.”

Ms Thornhill refused further comment, leaving to have fun on the playground equipment with the qualified supervisors, other councillors and senior council staff. “Bugger off. It’s ours.”

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DERAIL REPLACEMENT BUS, Tranniesport for London, Thursday (Mediocre Grauniad) — I love travelling on the tube. Where women are women, men are refuse and transsexuals don’t offend me with their alleged existence. But since the advent of free papers such as Metro, it feels like my reading material isn’t my own. Trannies keep nicking my paper.

No sooner do I put one paper down to browse through another than it gets appropriated by some man with breasts. And when I demand its paperwork proving it’s the gender it spuriously claims to be, it looks at me funny!

I believe in share and share alike, but this morning I put my copy of Transsexuals: The “Women” Behind Hitler down on the seat opposite and someone who looked like a bearded man but was far too pretty to be one by birth — men do nothing for me, so this was obviously a woman — just leaned over and took it. Damned cheek! I called it a penis-wielding misogynist magazine rapist, but it just looked at me oddly, so obviously didn’t have a penis.

Does this happen to you or do I just look like a mug or soft touch? Don’t they know I work hard at discussing serious feminist issues and gender determinism in society?

I believe they do. Transsexuals have been hounding me for years, just because I quite objectively described them as misbegotten scum who should be put out of our ideological misery. Hideous twilight in-betweeners, trying to hijack female privilege from real women. Vile and odious halfling monsters oppressing women and children, particularly me, by their mere existence and interrupting my important journalistic work and committing the misogynistic hate crime of interfering with my speaking fee income. Hell, I bet they’d question Julie Burchill’s feminist cred.

The worst was last night after a few serious feminist drinks at which we resolved that “Andrea” Waddell had logically relinquished all right to be considered human. I woke up in the morning to discover some fucking tranny had puked all down my shirt. Worse than that, one had pissed my pants too. Fucksakes.

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EAT Y’SELF FITTER, The Priory, Thursday (NNN) — Professor David Nutt, the government’s chief drug misuse advisor, has been called upon to resign after stating the bloody obvious fact that alcohol is frequently more harmful than cannabis or Ecstasy.

“Alcohol ranks as the fifth most harmful drug after heroin, cocaine, barbiturates and methadone,” he said today. “Tobacco is ranked ninth. Cannabis, LSD and ecstasy are ranked lower at 11, 14 and 18 respectively. Shoooooom wibble wibble fairy blonk wuhwuhwuhwuhwuh,” he added as he levitated and zoomed out of the window.

“We are outraged,” said Home Secretary Alan Johnson. “This feckless statement of mere truth could derail all our attempts to control drugs and crime in an economically and socially responsible manner.”

The economies of poorer areas such as Hackney and Brixton largely revolve around drug dealing and associated criminal activity. “Without appropriate penalty-sustained drug pricing,” said Mr Johnson, “young persons will have no reasonable local entrepreneurial aspirations. They might have to get jobs or something. Furthermore, how are our knifemakers and ambulance staff expected to stay in work?”

Policing is also a major concern. “How would we get away with police openly patrolling with machine guns in Tooting? Professor Galileo’s work is an interesting intellectual exercise but is sadly ill-connected to the realities of modern society. It’s nice that he tried so hard, but it’s as if he expected us to actually care what he produced.

“Next he’ll say we should stop lying to children. How can they grow up right without a proper undertanding of what it takes to get a politician’s attention? In any case, after the War on Drugs, we have the War on Science. For the election, I’m pretty sure we’ll need a War on Arithmetic as well.”

Dave “Iggle Piggle” Cameron advocated a “more reasoned” approach when the Tories take office in June. “We’ll steer people to more socially redeeming chemical recreations. Bollinger at the Millwall game, what? And a tin of really quality snuff, since smoking is bad. Just say no, kids!”

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GEFFEN, Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) — Lord Mandelson has today announced that the outgoing Labour government will be going ahead with the “three strikes” plan against Internet filesharing, thus ensuring the widespread use of encryption in all routine network communications.

“Encrypted communications as standard is the best possible thing for everyone’s privacy,” he said today, “but there’s so much inertia from the installed base of unencrypted systems. This will provide a rapid incentive for everyone to upgrade as soon as possible. In our last few months in power at the fag-end of a failed government, we need to leave a real legacy for the future.”

The benchmark for the new system will be illegal filesharing dropping by 70%. “That’s measured illegal filesharing, of course. We have set out our metrics quite clearly. Furthermore, home taping is killing music.”

MI5 and the police have objected to the plan due to the difficulty of mass-monitoring encrypted systems, even with the RIPA power to obtain passwords, since mass anonymity systems such as TOR and Freenet have been constructed where the end-user never has nor sees the encryption key. “But a few hideous terrorist atrocities is a small price to pay for less Lily Allen songs being shared. Particularly if they happen on the Tories’ watch. MuWAAAhahahaha. By the way, have you noticed just how much Dave Cameron looks like Iggle Piggle? Uncanny.”

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LASCAUX TESCAUX, Town Centre, Saturday night (NNN) — Modern humans and Neanderthals had sex across the species barrier, according to Professor Svante Paabo, a political scientist researching the British National Party.

Prof Paabo will shortly publish his analysis of the entire Neanderthal genome, using DNA retrieved from fossils. He aims to compare it with the genomes of modern humans, chimpanzees and neo-Nazis to work out where it all went horribly wrong.

“What I’m really interested in is, did they have children back then? And did these children go on to form the English Aborigine population of 17,000 years ago? And did their pamphlets make any more sense back then, and when did they introduce a football game to their regular Saturday bloodbaths?”

Such an answer might ease the controversy over recent contradictory discoveries. Some specimens seem to have both modern human and Neanderthal features, some even managing to string words into apparent sentences on Question Time. Some cave paintings of the time appear to be condemnations of “mud people,” particularly smart and beautiful ones who patronise them in public appearances.

“I used to believe Neanderthals were primitive,” said Professor Chris Stringer of the Natural History Museum, “but in the last ten to fifteen thousand years before they died out, around thirty thousand years ago, they were leaving behind complicated bead designs that appear from other cave paintings to translate, as far as we can work out, to ‘Fuck off you brain-dead fascist wanker.’”

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WEB 1.99 RC 1, Oh God it’s nine o’clock, Monday morning (NNN) — Two-thirds of office workers use sites like Twitter and Facebook during the working day, wasting an average of 40 minutes a week each.

The survey was conducted by Morse IT, with no consideration whatsoever of the company’s extensive line of Internet filtering products.

Twatbook was costing the economy £1.38 billion zillion a year, pointless meetings learning to synergise our buzzword growth were costing £65.23 billion zillion a year, MP3 file sharing was costing £12 billion zillion a year, reading the Daily Telegraph was costing £15.25, drinking tea and eating food was costing £17.243154 (recurring) billion zillion a year, blinking on the job was costing £5 billion zillion a year and employees going to the toilet rather than having catheters fitted to stay at their desks 24 hours a day was costing £6.66 billion zillion a year. b3ta was free, for some reason.

The total losses to the economy added to more than the national gross domestic product, strongly suggesting that showing up to work at all, and indeed the capitalist system in toto, was a net loss, and we should all live off farming our back yards and send our tweets via actual carrier pigeons.

Temp agency OfficeAngels disagreed. “As younger generations join the workplace, I believe UK businesses will, inevitably, have to embrace social networks, recognising the benefits of providing staff with potential for business networking. So they can find a job somewhere that doesn’t insult their intelligence by blocking a knitting needle shop as a ‘weapons site’ or something equally twattish.”

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TWITTER CENTRE, Whiter-than-White City, Friday (NNN) — Jan Moir today claimed London had been “ethnically cleansed” of heterosexual people after her appearance on Twitter Question Time last night.

“London is no longer a city my grandparents would recognise. It is changed beyond all recognition. Pooftahs from end to end!”

Ms Moir also complained about the change of format. “We know from the floods of emails from the lurkers who support me that the tweet stream was not shown in its normal format. They deliberately changed the whole format of Question Time in order to deal with me.”

But despite her bumbling delivery on last night’s tweet stream, the British Daily Mail Party claimed the event had sparked the “single biggest recruitment night” in the party’s history, with 3,000 people registering to sign up as members once a recruitment freeze — introduced in response to tens of thousands of PCC complaints over her last column — has been lifted.

By far the most savage account on the politician came from Twitterer Stephen Fry. “At one point, I had to restrain myself from slapping her. I had thought we’d face a formidable orator, somebody who knew her facts and had her ducks in a row, but the woman was a mess!”

Facing angry heckling, and at times looking shaken, Ms Moir:

• Repeatedly refused to give her views on homosexuality;

• Said that her statements that “these bum-burglars should all be killed by hideous torture to cleanse their terrible and sinful deviation” had been grossly misinterpreted and taken completely out of context;
• Was forced to deny she was a pathologist and was better at telling what Stephen Gately had died of than the medical examiner;
• Accused her detractors of an “orchestrated response” based on having completely unfairly actually read the article and conspiring to be revolted by it.

David Dimbleby, who chaired the session, wore a hideously garish green tie that just didn’t go with that suit at all, darling. Honestly.

Nick Griffin sighed in relief that it hadn’t been him. “It could have been disastrous for the cause of white power, I mean, English Aborigines.”

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TELEVISION OUTSKIRTS, Off-White City, Thursday (MSBBC) — Microsoft National Party leader Windows 7 has insisted it was “not Vista” during its first appearance on the BBC’s Question Time.

The political discussion programme was recorded as Macintosh and Linux campaigners protested outside Television Centre. The BBC maintained Windows 7 deserved representation on the programme for having outsold its closest direct competitor, a Harry Potter book from a couple of years ago.

Windows 7 was booed at the start of the recording and accused of having “malware politics” as it was attacked by fellow panelists and the audience. Its opposition to immigration from Windows XP was also controversial.

Windows 7 said it was not out to viciously kill other operating systems and, when David Dimbleby asked if it denied that the monopoly abuse happened, merely smiled and said that it had never actually been penalised for monopoly abuse. It also denied that it had said that “Bill Gates went a bit too far,” despite having been captured on video saying so. It merely advocated Microsoft Nationalism, such as the classic Microsoft national diet of lard, lard, lard and a bit more lard on top.

It said it had been “demonised” and repeatedly denied doing things which have been attributed to Vista. It attributed photos of it wearing a T-shirt saying “The Wow™ starts NOW!” to youthful foolishness. Windows 7 also decried the leak of Microsoft’s latest dismal quarterly results on Wikileaks, saying the contents were complete fiction and a breach of private matters between the Microsoft National Party and the financial authorities.

But it claimed its popularity was vastly increasing and mentioned a report it had commissioned saying that two-thirds of UK business would move to Windows 7 by the year 2100. Probably.

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EX FACTOR, Smersh, Tuesday (N! News) — Pop android Cheryl Cole has lost her fight to build a secret underground swimming pool in her supervillain’s lair high in the craggy mountains of Guildford, despite claiming “spies in the sky” would try to snap her in her bikini if she had an outdoor pool.

Mrs Cole claimed she was too famous to sunbathe in her own garden for fear of being buzzed from the air. “Them Russkies will stop at nothing to beat England,” she said. “Ash told me they beat us at football last week.”

The Coles have already transformed their classic English cottage with three storeys above ground, five below, a helipad and an aircraft hangar. They wanted to construct a 12m×5m below-ground pool with a gym, spa, sauna and steam room, a missile silo, a radar scanner and a laser space beam to take out interstellar paparazzi UFOs to stop them being pictured in “intimate episodes.” The council also refused permission for a second anti-aircraft gun.

“It’s so sad,” said Mrs Cole, “now I’ll just have to wander around topless in my own garden and be photographed shagging Ashley in the pool with no protection from photographers whatsoever. Saturday afternoons, yeah? Get my left side if you can, that tit’s bigger.” She said Ashley had insisted she was still to address him as “Thunderbird One” in bed.

Style icon Cheryl was voted Lad Wanker Magazine’s “Dumbest Othewise-Cute Woman In The World 2009″ earlier this year. Police have warned citizens that her new album has just been released.

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TELEVISION OUTSKIRTS, Osterley, Wednesday (Mediocre Grauniad) — In a submission to the BBC Trust, BSkyB has lambasted the BBC for using taxpayer’s money to invest in television, claiming the move would “stifle innovation” in the marketplace.

“They shouldn’t go off and do their own thing and use their unique funding to drive a coach and horses through the market development,” said Sky commercial director Stephen Nuttall. “That’s Rupert’s job.”

Rupert Murdoch said that the BBC and Google were conspiring to make all content free. “The BBC model can’t possibly work. You’d think it was good or something. Well, it isn’t, it’s shit. Hardly any tits at all.” He condemned Google blatantly stealing content from news services such as News International, all of whose papers’ websites not merely fail to block Google but actually have a special site map just for Google to index content from. The Independent faithfully echoed Mr Murdoch’s words in Sunday’s editorial, railing against Google despite themselves serving up an index page especially for them.

Google did not comment, but did mumble something about newspaper advertising being down 29% on last year and internet advertising having greater dollar value than television advertising. In other news, the search for a new chairman for ITV is in its sixth month.

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[SUPPRESSED], Wikileaks, Tuesday (NNN) — Carter-Ruck and Associates, the finest libel lawyers in the world, have successfully protected the good reputation of oil and toxic waste company Trafigura by obtaining an injunction preventing the Guardian from reporting the fact of a Parliamentary question on Trafigura dumping toxic waste off the Ivory Coast, killing and injuring thousands.

“It’s been hard work,” said a source we were injuncted from naming, “but the public repute of my client, who cannot be named, is absolutely protected from these allegations that do not exist, or may as well not exist. British defamation laws remain unequalled in the First World.”

The Parliamentary question relates to Trafigura dumping thousands of tons of sulphurous coker naptha mixed with caustic soda off Côte d’Ivoire in 2006, with full knowledge as detailed in internal emails that doing so would likely cause thousands of injuries and deaths.

Bloggers around the world were unanimous in their praise for Trafigura’s fine public spirit and Carter-Ruck’s fancy footwork, with enough admirers on Twitter to make “#Trafigura” and “#CarterFuck” the top two trending terms for much of Tuesday.

“We at Carter-Ruck are proud to be so effective in protecting such deserving clients, and look forward to working just as effectively for the reputations of similarly environmentally well-behaved companies around the globe,” said Carter-Ruck’s new directors of marketing George Monbiot and Julian Assange.

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THAWTELESS, West London, Monday (NNGadget) — Canonical, Inc. has announced the release later this month of Ubuntu Linux 9.10, “Karmic Koala,” to men.

Project founder Mark Shuttleworth explained that “this stuff is difficult to explain to girls” and thought they’d have gotten the hint when he called 8.04 “Hairy Hardon.” “Worrying about sexism in open source just detracts from the battle for Linux. So we’ve put the tits back into the default desktop. And arses.”

Crime-fighting geek Shuttleworth, who dresses as a billiionaire playboy by night, swore that plenty of women liked him lots and that he obviously wasn’t unable to get laid or anything, having gotten seriously rich in the dot-com era, not to mention having gone into space. “Chicks dig that stuff. Trust me, I’ve met lots of girls. More than five!”

Canonical Community Manager Jono Bacon echoed this sentiment on his blog. “We just don’t understand how come women are 15% of all computer programmers but only 1% of open source programmers. It must be a bit complicated for them. That’s why I’ve written this spontaneous blog post, completely unrelated to anything my boss may or may not have said, on all the fantastically talented women in free software, even if none of them seem to work much on Ubuntu any more. Also, I’m absolutely confident that saying I’m in a computer geek heavy metal band will get me lots of chicks too, even if their pretty little heads can’t understand Linux.”

A special women’s edition of Ubuntu 9.10 will be released on a bright pink CD. “It doubles as a makeup mirror!” said Shuttleworth.

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TELEVISION EXTREMITIES, Shepherd’s Bush, Saturday (NNN) — After Jeremy Clarkson’s column in the November issue of Top Gear magazine berating BBC executives’ fondness for “black Muslim lesbians,” a crack squad of said demographic has staged a coup and taken over the show.

“The plague of political correctness means that women are allowed to have jobs, ethnic minorities are not discriminated against, and bullying and sexual harassment are not allowed. This would be a disaster to Top Gear,” he said in the column.

In the next episode, airing tomorrow evening, the new team will crash-test Jeremy Clarkson’s ego using a Robin Reliant, a Sherman tank and a spare NASA probe similar to the one shot at the moon yesterday. The climactic finale will involve a clue-tipped nuclear bomb being directed at Jeremy Clarkson’s skull. “We’re fully confident not even that will penetrate,” said Linda Bellos.

Scientific testing suggests that Mr Clarkson is in fact a highly intelligent and knowledgeable man, as is Jonathan Ross, despite the gross implausibility of such a result. The reports are being reviewed by Ben Goldacre. Jonathan Ross has also been found to look better in a miniskirt, and his blackness, lesbianism and Islamicity are under review.

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1. X Factor contestants are grown in vats in a factory in south Wales, using repurposed equipment from the Australian soap opera factories of the 1980s. The replicants are programmed with a fictional past that always involves a dead parent. In six seasons, no-one involved has yet bothered writing a second fictional past.
   

2. Their rudimentary brains are removed before filming and replaced with the control mechanism from a clockwork mouse, doubling their IQs and improving their personalities.

3. Dannii Minogue is an all-Australian suburban android who has come to Britain to annihilate humanity after failing quality control in the Australian vat factory and escaping into the desert.

4. Louis Walsh bought the factory equipment from the Reg Grundy corporation in the late 1990s, with several false starts employing its products in Ireland.

5. The X Factor mentoring process involves poking the contestants with sticks while still in the vat. Ethics societies had originally expressed grave concerns, but, after interviewing the vat creatures and assessing their personalities, have unanimously heralded the process as not merely acceptable but a moral imperative, and asked when they could have a go too.

6. Cheryl Cole does not understand how her presence on the show is itself a cruel, cruel taunt.

7. The vat creations must snort an entire bottle of fake tan every six hours to preserve their bodies from decay. Those surviving the show can often be found on street corners, pale and shriveled, asking passers-by for fiddy pee for hair gel and pleading to let them audition for them.

8. Rikki Loney is actually descended from creatures who emerge from bogs to steal your children. His hair was made by his mum for him from pain, horror and the tears of dying infants.

9. Ben Elton cleverly satirised the X Factor process in his novel Chart Throb. Mr Elton prefers more artistically substantial endeavours in his own work, such as a gratuitous sequel to Phantom of the Opera set in America. Next you know he’ll try writing a West End musical based on the works of the Sex Pistols. Can’t wait to see what he does with “Bodies”.

10. Simon Cowell hates you more than you will ever know. Although if you watch X Factor you might get an inkling.

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TWO HUNDRED METRES, Turn Left, Thursday (NNN) — Minicab saviour TomTom has announced their latest navigation device, the Stop, targeting motorists on a budget. The price is subsidised by donations from the motoring public in honour of the 150th anniversary of the publication of Charles Darwin’s Origin of Species.

The user interface has been greatly simplified, with just an on-off switch and a microphone. No installation is required, the user merely beating the gadget into place on his (usually his) dashboard with his forehead.

In operation, the user shouts his planned destination at the Stop and the device determines its mode of operation according to the precision of the destination, the estimated intelligence of the user and the number of casual ethnic slurs and appropriately applies the latest database of railroad tracks, Ministry of Defence firing ranges and cliffs before announcing“Mon aeroglisseur est plein d’anguilles” and shutting down.

The voice is the standard GPS “Dominatrix” voice, the new interface adding images emphasising its withering disdain for the driver’s motoring prowess and genitalia.

The Stop will be available free to white van men, real estate agents, students whose parents have just bought them their first car and Chelsea mothers in Range Rovers. It will be made mandatory for Daily Mail readers.

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