News of the News

European Union renamed “Greater Belgium”

davidgerard — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 19:19:06 +0000

BRUSSELS, Belgian Empire, Thursday (NNN) — The Imperial Belgian Regime has concluded the first stage of its revival with the coronation of Herman van Rompuy as Imperator and Father of All Europe.

“I shall bring to you all unbounded prosperity and joy in life,” said Emperor Herman, “in appropriate moderation and with due attention to subclauses (iii)-(v) of section 12 of the third chapter of the memorandum of coronation. We must take care not to go overboard.”

Belgium’s new rise as an imperial power comes after the failure of its early twentieth century African colonial adventures. Later in the last century, the country instead played to its strengths of beer, chocolate and bureaucratic obfuscation, quietly hanging around at the centre of things and making itself useful whilst clogging up all around itself with red tape.

“Imperial Belgium will usher in a new era of brotherhood,” said the Emperor, “with the correct paperwork. The horrors of war will become administratively unfeasible as the Pax Belgia renders the necessary forms and tender documents mysteriously unavailable or unavoidably delayed. Whatever language a citizen speaks, their words will be circumlocutory and obfuscated, facilitating accurate and fidelitous translation into all other tongues with no loss whatsoever of meaning or comprehensibility. The promise of Babel is ours.”

Baroness Catherine Ashton is the British appointee to the position of Chinless Imperial Foreign Minister. Critics claim she has never had a proper job nor a non-appointed political position. However, she points out she was elected by 100% of the twenty-seven voters.

The UK Independence Party continued to call for Britain’s withdrawal from the Empire. “It is beneath the dignity of a Great Power such as Britain to become a new Belgium. We advocate the far preferable fate of becoming the new Albania.”

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Tesco Value Internet enters the broadband market

davidgerard — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 22:27:35 +0000

SPILL, Aisle 2, Thursday (NNN) — Supermarket giant Tesco plans to establish itself as a major force in the broadband Internet market with Tesco Value Internet, setting itself up as a rival to to BT, Virgin Media and TalkTalk.

“It’ll be hard work,” said Tesco Telecoms head Lance Batchelor, “but we have the customer service and engineering excellence ready to equal the market frontrunners. For ten quid a month, you can have internet and phone that cut out at random, customer service from a call centre in Uzbekistan — second-line support will actually have an English vocabulary of over twenty phrases, learnt phonetically! — and random viruses being uploaded to your computer. Even if it’s a Mac.”

The company will sell customers a “cheap and cheerful” modem, in white with red and blue accents, hard-wired to their account. Connection speed will be 16 megabits, with a bandwidth cap of 32 megabits. The basic plan will include “full access to all Internet sites,” particularly those that pay Tesco for access. Web search with Microsoft Bing! is free, web search that finds things will be an extra five pounds. The Sainsbury’s shopping site is anticipated to remain inexplicably nonfunctional at all times on all plans.

Not to be outdone, Asda and LiDL have announced their own broadband offerings. The Asda Smart Price Modem will have flashing white and green lights with electric bits placed inside at random. The LiDL modem will, quite literally, be a block of German-made cheese with wires in.

Waitrose sneered at their competitors’ plans, unveiling their own £40/month offering that connects using a superior piece of tank-like stainless steel design that finds your favoured MP3s and porn for you and pre-sorts them for your convenience.

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In full: The Queen’s Speech

davidgerard — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 17:57:11 +0000

My Lords and Members of the House of Commons:

My government’s overriding priority is to be re-elected. This will require a sustained scientific and mathematical research program to discover truly revolutionary advances in arithmetic. Or failing that, just the revolution. A “default vote” option will be put into place such that anyone not showing up and voting will be presumed to have voted for Labour.

My government will put into place a cunning series of traps for the Conservatives should they be elected, with all sorts of unfunded legislative initiatives the Tories can either be called out for repealing or pull money out of thin air for should they choose not to.

My government will continue to simulate the appearance of reform and regulation of the financial services industry. My government will introduce blitheringly stupid legislation to cut off everyone’s Internet and stop them complaining on the Guido Fawkes blog. My government will introduce budget deficit reduction legislation. All of these programmes will be designed to kick in around 2011, just to annoy Dave. My government will also continue to tweak Nick Clegg because he quite eminently deserves it.

My government will enshrine in law its commitment to abolish child poverty within the next eleven years. The precise date will be rebased annually, so as to remain eleven years in the future.

My government will legislate against carbon emissions, flooding and rain. Additional legislation will be brought in to tell the tides to turn back.

My Lords and Members of the House of Commons I pray that the blessings of Almighty God may rest upon your counsels. And that of that nice Mr Murdoch, who shall remain assured that, whoever is in power, his will shall remain paramount in the governance of our great country.

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Household chemicals stealing boys’ manliness

davidgerard — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:52:37 +0000

STRAIGHT’S THE WORD, Bruxelles, Saturday (NotScientist) — Ubiquitous chemical contamination, driven by the radical feminist agenda, is driving down sperm counts and feminising male children across the developed world.

Young boys produce less sperm and developing feminised behaviour, in which they dress up in pink, have tea parties, read the Guardian and pooh-pooh stories in Metro about how our caveman ancestors explain all modern social gender determinism. Many apparently prefer indie rock music to football, proving they are therefore poofters and must be beaten up.

Harriet Harwoman, the minister for men, has committed Britain to higher levels of gender-bending chemicals in their blood, to sell us out to her EU masters and accelerate our utter national defeat at the hands of manly Polish asylum-seeking radical Muslim terrorist Frenchmen out to destroy the prices of British-owned houses in Normandy.

“We are outraged,” said Stephen Green of Christian Voice. His organisation is working with a group of volunteers to record a song highlighting the problem that will eliminate any effeminacy in British culture. “We’ve made sure the video projects proper masculine role models: a police officer, a cowboy, a construction worker, a soldier. The song talks about the masculine pursuits available at the Young Men’s Christian Association. It’s really very catchy. I can’t see how it won’t be a complete success.”

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Amy Winehouse hospitalised after allergic reaction to sobriety

davidgerard — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 19:37:21 +0000

THE WHORELY ARMS, Primrose Hill, Monday (N! News) — Formerly talented singer Amy Winehouse spent Sunday night in hospital, reportedly falling ill after her blood medication level dropped below saturation levels.

“Amy took an over-the-toilet-sink preparation for a cold,” said some money-grubbing scrote willing to make up complete bollocks for a journalist, “or something to do with her nose, anyway. But evidently she ran short. She’s making damn sure this never happens again.”

The singer recently had her breasts replaced with cyborg implants containing laser cannons, a GPS tracker to find her way home from the pub and a paparazzi detector that automatically exposes them to camera lenses. She has reportedly been considering a second boob job, to get back the figure she had before becoming a drug hoover, buttock implants, brain implants and clue implants, though there is fear her personality may reject these. She has been working on redesigning her nose from the inside, as well as scribbling on designer freckles with a sharpie.

She is also planning a children’s doll based on her new polymer bodywork. “I think I’m a role model for young girls these days,” she said. “They act a lot like me, especially on Saturday nights.”

Ms Winehouse is currently recording her third album, evidently by phone.

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Dating site matches people through E. coli tests

davidgerard — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 21:02:37 +0000

KALLIKAK, Gattaca, Saturday (NotScientist) — Genetic testing companies are promising to match couples based on Escherichia coli testing, touting the benefits of biological compatibility and claiming a match means better personality match, better sex and conclusive proof that they match down to the asshole.

“How many dating services can you think of where assholes can meet an asshole they really deserve?” said Eric Holzle, founder of AssholePersonalityDisorderMatch.com.

People tend to be attracted to those whose personalities are appropriately complementary to their own. APDMatch claims to be able to ascertain this by scientifically measuring the characteristics of a prospective couple’s digestive tracts.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR) inexplicably fails to detail Asshole Personality Disorder. However, a diagnosis of APD requires five or more of the following to be present for a significant period of time:

Self-importance
Refusal to acknowledge or even comprehend social rules
Delusions of adequacy
Believes others would do just fine if only they were sensible like him
Beliefs appear to change to match the situation, but that’s just other people being idiotic
Pride in their superior people skills
Recto-cranial inversion
Projection of all symptoms on this list onto those around them.

“If we can make sure that assholes end up with other assholes,” said Dr Holzle, “we can save the rest of us from dealing with their ridiculous bullshit.”

But don’t put too much faith in this, experts said. Dr. Rocio Moran, medical director of the General Genetics Clinic at the Cleveland Clinic, called the idea “ridiculous,” and said the science of assholism is too complex to work out by looking at a few bacterial traces.

“They are just trying to make a buck,” she said. “Focusing on getting those bucks from assholes is, of course, commendable. But assholism is subtle and endemic. How many times have you heard some asshole proclaim, ‘hah, that really sticks it to those assholes!’?”

Holzle was not able to point to any success stories. “Quite frankly, the site tends to attract assholes. And do you think we ever want to talk to these people again? We have to swab these assholes’ goddamn assholes. What a pile of shit this job is. What the hell was I thinking? Apparently some have bred. This will probably doom the human gene pool. I’m so very, very sorry.”

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School head: Boys should be “realistic” about careers and fatherhood

davidgerard — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 20:32:44 +0000

SOLANAS, New Dworkin, Friday (NNN) — Teenage boys need to be taught a heavy dose of realism: that it may not be possible to be a perfect father and a career man, says Jill Berry, head teacher of Sir William Harpur school in Bedford and president of the Boys’ Schools Association (BSA).

About four-fifths of pupils in BSA schools will have children. While clever boys should aim high, she says there is nothing wrong with them working part-time or not at all when they have children.

“A lot of our boys want to have it all. That’s fine, but we need to make them realistic. More men are going back to work early after having children. It can all work until their child is ill.There is nothing wrong with them saying ‘I need to work part-time’ or ‘I need support in order to enable me to work and have children.’ What we can do as teachers is prepare them to have aspirations, but not aim for perfection. We can help them recognise that life is about balance.”

Berry, who does not have children, said that unless boys were taught this, teachers were “in danger of betraying them. Priorities shift, but that doesn’t mean you’re selling out — you are facing reality and trying to be realistic about social expectations and what you can achieve and you should stop beating yourself up about it.”

Her comments come amid a raging debate over flexible working rights, particularly for men with families. The debate over getting men into the workplace continues. Last month fund manager Nichola Pease said many firms were put off from hiring men.

Harriet Harwoman, the minister for men, told the Treasury select committee inquiry Men in the City that “the change we need is the change which recognises that for men to take time out with a young baby or to work flexible or part-time hours on return from paternity leave is going to be the way of the future. Of course, work musn’t interfere with keeping the house tidy, cooking a nice family meal every evening and putting out with at least forty-five minutes of cunnilingus each night and Sunday morning. Marital bliss takes effort.”

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Chocolate reduces chocolate manufacturers’ stress

davidgerard — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 18:05:58 +0000

VEVEY, Suisse, Friday (NNN) — A small bar of dark chocolate a day helps keep stress at bay, say researchers at Nestlé, particularly the stress of chocolate manufacturers looking at sales figures.

Chocolate cuts levels of stress hormones and supplies valuable income that the company can further apply to killing Third World babies and buying its competitors to avoid boycotts.

“We must note that this only applies to Nestlé products,” said scientifically independent research shill Sunil Kochhar. “Cadbury and Lindt are well known to cause pimples, impotence and lard. I hear they make your period worse.”

Workers around the country noted this as a verification of common sense. “If I glare at people each month,” said Brenda Busybody, 45 (IQ), “chocolate magically appears at my desk. Good, that.

“The best chocolates for stress, though, are the ones with liqueur in the middle. The important point with these is that the chocolate shell is entirely optional. The essential good effects can be duplicated with the fine products of Bombay Sapphire and tonic. And a cig or six.

“Hell, I can’t even take out my frustrations on the poor bastard handing out London Lite after today. It’s clear that chocolate, gin and cigarette-based stress reduction is a medical necessity and needs to be employer-supported. Or I’ll tear your head off and shit down your neck.”

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New warning on “perfect vaginas”

davidgerard — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 19:04:08 +0000

THE PINK LINE, Scunthorpe, Monday (NNN) — Generally objectionable, odious and unpleasant people are going so far as medical intervention to turn them into absolute cunts, says a report in the British Journal of Obstetrical and Gynaecological Metaphors.

“There is a shocking lack of information on the risks of the procedure,” say researchers at University College London . “Reasonably pleasant and well-presented school leavers are turning into real estate agents and bad science journalists. They pay far too much attention to their presentation at the expense of actual depths. Some prefer the phrase ‘designer vagina,’ ’cos it rhymes and all, but we must objectively and scientifically describe them accurately: a pack of complete and utter cunts.”

Operations to remove the ability to perceive one’s own objectionable behaviour are on the rise. A sort of loud, braying sneer is a common option. Many also make the cunt as shallow as possible. “Their personality presents a sort of genital surface and nothing at all behind it except a shit-laden rectum.” Many subjects are motivated by career opportunities, often spurred on by managers who have this particular talent naturally. “Geniuses of cunt, some of them.”

But surgeons said the report overplayed the risks of an established procedure. “As a plastic surgeon, I have often considered having the operation myself,” said Douglas George of the British Association of Aesthetic and Plastic Surgeons (BOOBIES) as he jiggled his DD implants toward the camera. “But it proved unnecessary in my case. By the way, we’re doing a great deal on internal plastic surgery. Save yourself the hideous embarrassment of a less than perfectly presented X-ray! Get a promotion at work!”

Risks to society include designer cunts admiring each other’s cuntishness and reproducing, having a child whose genes make them actually reasonably normal and decent people brought up by a pair of real cunts.

The worst cases are when some “utter and total cunt” talks his quite nice girlfriend into getting a designer labioplasty, just to try to make her feel insecure about a part of her body that no-one in the world except the two of them ever see. Spurious media reports claiming labioplasties are on the rise are a common and vector for this sort of cuntishness. “You have to really be a completely and utterly cuntish cunt to be such a cunt about cunts. ’Cos cunts are excellent, but cunts aren’t.”

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Scientists surprised to find men attracted to women with big tits

davidgerard — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 19:10:11 +0000

PAGE 3, Channel 5, Tuesday (NNN) — Women with large breasts appear to attract the attention of men, scientists were absolutely amazed to discover.

Researchers from the University of Metro, writing in Evolution and Human Behaviour Illustrated, have spent many, many hours studying 16,000 women and girls, and their boobs, in quite close detail to investigate anecdotal reports that men’s attention is often attracted by women with sizable mammaries. Moreover, the more spectacular the norks in question, the greater the propensity for passing men to walk into a lamp post in a comical manner.

The more voluptuous women were also found to be more intelligent on average, performing better on cognitive tests, although the male researchers were reduced to drooling idiocy and largely not all that interested really. “We don’t want to compromise our scientific objectivity by seeing if the subjects are capable of speech,” said one researcher with his hands firmly jammed into his pockets.

The story was illustrated with a picture of Nigella Lawson, who has a degree in mediæval and modern languages from Oxford, a really quite splendid pair and a propensity for leaning over on telly.

The researchers speculated this was to do with fatty acids found on the hips, such as Omega-3. Or possibly something to do with our caveman ancestors, as these sort of stories tend to be. But pretty much no-one read that far.

Further studies are likely to prove that water is wet, the sky is blue and that men, particularly researchers and science journalists, think with their cocks. In the meantime, here’s a helpful, educational and newsworthy illustrative photograph of Nigella Lawson’s fabulous rack.

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Murdoch announces plan to cut off nose

davidgerard — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 03:31:09 +0000

AUSTRALIAN GLADIATORS, Sky None, Monday (Mediocre Grauniad) — In an exclusive interview with one of his employees, Rupert Murdoch announced that it was time to draw a line in the sand in his constant battle to frustrate freeloading consumers by scheduling extensive rhinoplasty.

As the logical extension of his intent to improve monetization of his global media empire, an aggressive research team, led by his own grubby, questing index finger (itself a semi-autonomous publicly traded subsidiary of ArmCorp) had discovered a hitherto unprofitable branch of Mr Murdoch’s own face and immediately set to analysing the potential in the “streaming content” market.

“Thanks to the pervasive and anarchic medium of light and an endemic, unscrupulous approach to photon-consumption,” said Mr Murdoch to a camera he owned, “the public have been stealing — we believe it is theft — visible spectra which carry a representation of my nose. When I consent to an interview, a TV appearance or a personal meeting with an individual, we are entering into a contract in which I am licensing access to me, Rupert Murdoch, a highly lucrative and profitable range of properties and services.

“For too long, people have been content to pay only for access to my thoughts, speech or round-the-clock footage of the contents of my bowels — via the Times, Sky and Fox News respectively — while stealing valuable images of my nose, its nostrils and their contents, then rebroadcasting and shamelessly profiteering.

“When a reporter negotiates an interview with me, as well as broadcasting the material he has licensed legitimately, he frequently steals additional content without permission. Telling another reporter down the pub ‘I just interviewed that arsehole Murdoch, what a leathery-faced, jowly, big-nosed, offensive wanker he is’ is time-shifting and re-disseminating unlicensed intellectual property. Commentary based upon my opinions is legitimate as paid output from the premium outlet of my mouth. Any entertainment derived from the rest of my face is theft, pure and simple. There is no such thing as fair use.”

The interview itself took place on Sky Channel 149, a pioneering venture to broadcast 24-hour footage of the view from Mr Murdoch’s bathroom cabinet. In line with Mr Murdoch’s policy of preferring fewer paying customers and no freeloaders, Sky 149 has precisely one subcriber, with Mr Murdoch himself paying himself hundreds of thousands of dollars each month for access, for the purpose of shaving.

Having successfully franchised out his forehead, jowls and cheeks to a conglomerate representing elephants born without ball-bags, and following a failed attempt to charge a subscription fee to customers prepared to pay to punch Murdoch square in the nose, the decision was eventually made to excise the entire section of the business, rather than allow further illicit exploitation, piracy and copyright terrorism.

When questioned as to what purpose the resulting gap in his cranial portfolio might be turned, Murdoch suggested that he was tentatively considering offers from the adult entertainment market to employ his skull cavity as a giant fucking cunt.

*pint* to Scott Lamb for the above

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Goldman Sachs “doing God’s work”

davidgerard — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 08:17:39 +0000

MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE, Blind Idiot Heaven, Sunday (NNN) — Lloyd Blankfein, chairman and CEO of Goldman Sachs, says that “banks are doing God’s work,” comparable to Hurricane Katrina, the eruption of Krakatoa and the Tunguska event of 1908.

“There is a balance to all things,” said Mr Blankfein. “God created Heaven, and He also created the banking sector.”

Mr Blankfein points out that there are always business opportunities, even in the hard times. “The blood, the frogs, the lice, the flies, the livestock diseases, the boils, the hail and — of course — the locusts came about after the deregulation we lobbied for. But market efficiency has been increased, which is good for capitalism and therefore good for everyone. The darkness is strictly temporary for the duration of the mortgage on your firstborns unto the seventh generation.”

Goldman Sachs is set to pay a record £12 billion in salaries and bonuses this year. “It rewards our good work in creating investments so complex that not even we understand them. No blame, no shame! Past Avarice and through Wrath and Sloth, Heresy, Violence, Fraud and Treason! The suffering will wash away your sins! Praise the Lord!”

Recovery is expected through 2010. “The financial system led us into the crisis and it will lead us out. We have opened the Seventh Collateralised Debt Obligation of the Covenant and a mere one-third of the globe has collapsed, far less than our forecasts. What could possibly go wrong now? The way out is the way through! So if you could spare just a few billion dollars’ spare change, sir, for a latte and a burger, that would help us greatly, and God bless you sir, God bless you.”

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Miss England sent off field due to injury

davidgerard — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 14:35:59 +0000

SKANKIES, Dependençia, Friday (NNN) — Rachel Christie, 21, winner of the Miss England beauty pageant, has had to retire from the title after a defeat in a nightclub brawl with Miss Manchester, Sara Jones, 24.

Miss Christie displayed the skills that led to her being crowned the queen of English womanhood and a suitable role-model for the flower of British youth by getting into a public nightclub punch-up with Miss Jones over “what that facking slut done with my boyfriend,” David McIntosh, a slab of beefcake famous for beating up other beefcake on Sky.

Miss Christie had made an excellent showing in the contest in the Vicious Catfight With Sharpened Heel contest, with the judges being particularly impressed with her underarm swing. Miss Jones had done surprisingly well in the contest with the Puking In Handbag After Ill-Considered 4am Kebab section, as well as the Falling Unconscious In A Skip round. Miss Christie was reportedly upset over Miss Jones’ “ten out of ten” showing in the Dangerously Psychotic Arsehole Bitch section after Miss Jones had broken into Mr McIntosh’s house and scrawled “SLAG” on the mirror in Miss Christie’s makeup.

Miss Christie has been replaced as Miss England by the runner-up, Lance Corporal Katrina “Combat Barbie” Hodge, 22, who says she knows better than to enter any Manchester nightclub without a rocket launcher. She also finds that people, male or female, are very polite and nice to her in pretty much all circumstances.

“Rachel will now concentrate on training for the 2012 Olympics,” her public relations people said today, “where she hopes for gold in the Case Of Alcopops Relay and the Shagging That Cow’s Boyfriend Herpathlon.”

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Delusions of adequacy given same status as religion

davidgerard — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 22:40:06 +0000

DAWKINS, Barking, Wednesday (NNN) — An executive has won the right to sue his employer on the basis that he was unfairly dismissed for his views after a judge ruled that his delusions of competence had the same weight in law as religious and philosophical beliefs under the 2003 Religion and Belief Regulations.

The unnamed executive is firmly convinced of his own superior workplace abilities and business and people management skills, despite the huge weight of evidence against such conclusions. His wife also testified as to his unsubstantiable belief in his superior musical taste and his faith-based dress sense. In a rare concession to reality, the man is under no illusion as to what little shits his children are.

Judge Michael Burton laid down a series of tests regarding such beliefs:

The belief must be genuinely held;
It must be a belief and not a mere opinion or view related to anything substantiable;
It must relate to a weighty and substantial aspect of human life, despite a total lack of evidence;
It must appear at least slightly coherent on the surface;
It must not be mere odious fuckwittery;
It must be obviously gibbering bullshit to anyone not already agreeing with it.

Humanism was given as an example meeting the criteria, while belief in a political party, except the Liberal Democrats or Ukip, were offered as ones that do not.

“It is clear,” he said in summing up, “that if firms started firing their executives for the mere fact of utter blithering incompetence, business as we know it could not go on. If such a criterion hit the banking sector, it could lead to a complete collapse of the financial system as we know it. Oh, wait.”

Home Secretary Alan Johnson has said he will shortly be suing Professor David Nutt under these rules if the entire scientific population of Great Britain does not cease and desist immediately from oppressing him with mere facts.

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Robbie Williams comes crawling back to Take That

davidgerard — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:29:15 +0000

TIN ARM ALLEY, Public NME, Friday (N! News) — After telling the others to fuck off several years ago, Robbie Williams has, after a string of epic failures, come grovelling back to Take That in the hope of enough income to pay for his, er, mineral water.

“Williams? I vaguely recall the name,” said Gary Barlow, leader of the band. “First name’s ‘Cunt,’ right? ‘Fuckhead’? ‘Shitstick’? Something like that.”

After the band’s reformation in 2005, Barlow successfully matured the former boy band’s sound and achieved two hit albums. “I understand there’s some twatrag who wants to rejoin Take That,” he spat. “I was inclined to courier him a turd in a box, but someone offered to back several dumptrucks filled with gold bullion up to our houses if we let the dogfucker on the same stage as us. He’ll have to start at the bottom, of course, but I’m sure there’s lots we can do to make him feel as welcome as he deserves.”

Williams discussed the reunion on Jonathan Ross this evening. “Gary’s just joshing. We’re getting on great — even when we weren’t speaking, he was keeping in touch, sending me press clippings of every Take That reunion chart position and sold-out arena show. I was even along on Mark Owen’s stag night. I’d thought it was traditional to tie the groom to a lamp post with a bucket on his head, his pants off and his cock painted bright red, but I took it in good spirits. Love the guys. Love ’em.”

A reunion tour may take place next year. “I’ve got Robbie’s rider sorted out,” said Barlow. “Ours is a suitable selection of wines, spirits and juices and I’ve got to check the portaloo outlet for his. Can’t wait to work with him again.”

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Google Maps shows nonexistent city “Perth”

davidgerard — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 18:52:35 +0000

ARGLETON, Lancashire, Saturday (NNN) — A Google Maps error has created a phantom city: “Perth” in Western Australia, in what is in fact a completely empty space.

The mystery has locals so intrigued that a few have made the journey to the enigmatic spot. “I started to weave this amazing fantasy about the place,” said one intrepid local explorer, “an alternative universe, a Narnia-like world. I was really fascinated by the appearance of a non-existent place that the Internet had the power to make real and give a semi-existence.

“Of course, it’s inconceivable that an empty space on the map like that could have a city in it. Imagine what it’d be like living there. It’d be pleasant enough, but imagine growing up there, thousands of miles from civilisation. You’d go mad. It’d be like a J. G. Ballard story. The only people who could enjoy it would be deranged millionaires. Nice to retire to, though. I bet the drivers wouldn’t be able to tell left from right.”

Still, though “Perth” appears to be a town without residents, streets, coordinates or even a history, it has taken on a life of its own online. People put it as their place of residence on Facebook or Twitter. Others claim to come from there, always adding that they’re never going back. There are even films about the “vibrant” Perth indie music scene.

Google said in a statement today: “Google Maps data comes from a variety of data sources. While the vast majority of this information is correct there are occasional errors. Thankfully they’re quite obvious like this one. Why would anyone put a city there, of all places? Someone’s obviously having a lend of us.”

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Device that “smells” snake oil could identify terrorists

davidgerard — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 22:01:01 +0000

SECURITY ZOETROPE, Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) A device claimed to “smell” human fear is being marketed as identifying terrorists by detecting “fear pheromones” in sweat.

“The challenge lies in the characterisation and identification of the specific chemical that gives away the signature of human fear,” said project leader Professor Tong Sun of City University, “especially the fear of losing funding for security theatre. If we can reliably detect this fear, we should be able to land some eyewateringly lucrative contracts in the very near future.”

The research is funded by the Home Office. “The project relies on a government with a firm commitment to policy-based science, but the Tories look as craven over David Nutt’s firing as Labour, so we should be coining it in for a good while yet.”

The technology will assist airport security officers in picking out suitable subjects. Sensors can reliably detect if someone is a bit brown, or a bit foreign-looking, or has a non-Anglo-Saxon name, or if they might be thinking of giving cheek to security officers. It will work in conjunction with the millimetre-wave “naked” radar, currently used to identify terrorist subjects with large breasts.

The false positive rate will be only 5% on a terrorist detection rate of 1 in 100,000, meaning only 99.95% of subjects flagged will be a complete waste of time to finger up the arse with a latex glove. “But we’re sure the government will agree that mere statistical evidence is meaningless in the face of the vital necessity to send the right message,” said Prof Sun, “that if you make trouble the government will quite literally forcibly fuck you in the arse until you bleed. So just shut the fuck up and keep giving us money.”

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Global “vaguely giving a shit” portal to launch

davidgerard — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 19:46:36 +0000

ISLINGTON, Socialist Republic of North London, Tuesday (NNN) — President Barack Obama, Bill Gates and Bono are being invited to back a “vague middle-class interest portal” website, Hope Plus, to promote social politics.

“A global eBay-PeaceCorps-wiki-social-media-network-community-thingy is absolutely the most useful thing the modern world could have right now,” says founder Phil Noble of PoliticsOnline. “We already have lots of pictures of smiling African children.”

Mr Noble was inspired by his previous work for the BBC. “If we can tap into that Guardian demographic, we should be able to get people to really feel they’re doing their bit for the world, reducing their carbon footprint, cutting the poisons out of our air, water and food and feeding and educating the hungry by clicking on a website. People are good at clicking on stuff. We might even have some online petitions!”

The initiative is being bolstered by seed money from Microsoft. “I’ve long held that giving the poor the finest of our technology and the highest quality patented seeds is the way to advance everyone’s interests,” said Mr Gates, “particularly my own. I mean, my charity’s.” U2 has donated another copy of the bassline they have used on their last eight albums.

The Daily Mail will be starting Grumpy Plus, a portal for people to show their support for everything being so much worse than when they were young and everyone was polite and helpful and beat Hitler and you didn’t have to worry about coloured gay Polish asylum seekers ruining the price of your house. The Mail’s demographic is not as Internet-enabled, so the site will work by people mailing in coupons from the paper.

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Hitler apologises for MP analogy e-mail

davidgerard — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:24:02 +0000

DAS BUNKER, Westminster, Monday — Adolf Hitler has apologised for any “upset” caused by a “clumsily” worded e-mail, comparing his treatment to that of MPs over their expenses.

Mr Hitler, the Chancellor of Germany, made the apology after Roosevelt and Churchill had pointed out that comparing himself to David Wilshire, Tory MP for Spelthorne, was “frankly ludicrous”.

In his email response to subsequent correspondence, which he said had included death threats, Mr Hitler wrote: “The witch-hunt against Nazis in general will undermine democracy. Branding a whole group of people as undesirables led to the horror and carnage of the MP expenses scandal.”

He apologised for “comparing myself to an odious entitled twat like that Wilshire wanker — at least I didn’t pay half my bloody salary to Eva as a ‘researcher,’” but said he felt a bit put out that his hard work for German lebensraum and really good motorways was completely underappreciated. “I could show MPs how to live off bloody rations, mate.”

Mr Hitler was forced to announce last month that he would step down as leader of the Third Reich.

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BAN THIS SICK FACEFILTH

davidgerard — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 15:00:31 +0000

PAGE 3, Wapping, Saturday (Mediocre Grauniad) — Your Super Soaraway Sun! comes out today against DISGRACEBOOK, the vile “social networking” system used by perverts, murderers, paedos, Catholic priests, Guardian readers, Labour ministers and other SICK FILTH.

Your Sun has mounted a FULL INVESTIGATION into the Facebook DEN OF INIQUITY, with an intrepid Sun journalist risking his life and reputation going into the front-line of fire on the site, posing as an ordinary person and yet securing several SERIOUSLY DIRTY afternoon liaisons with previously decent and innocent young ladies (pictures on pages 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12) — all carefully verified as being just over sixteen — so as to courageously root out this CYBER-FOULNESS.

The Sun can reveal that Farcebook has NO flagging mechanism to filter out PERVERTS, MURDERERS and FRAUDSTERS, unlike socially responsible places for friends such as the family-friendly MySpace network.

“Facebook DISGUSTS any decent British person,” says Luscious Lucy, 19, of Sheppey, in her editorial opinion column on page 3 today. “MYSPACE is a much more decent, wholesome and PATRIOTIC place to meet people. I’d never let my family anywhere else. Here’s my perky, puffy nipples on the site, in case you’re not sure.”

Even our NEXT PRIME MINISTER Dave “DAVE” Cameron agrees. “Yes, I saw about Facebook on Sky News. We’ve consulted with relevant senior media figures, and will be looking into severely restricting Facebook’s odious operations in the UK and requiring MySpace for widest possible public access to government services. I’m also told there’s an excellent service called Delphi that the British people should be encouraged to use. Toodle pip!”

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Watford Council saves children from parents

davidgerard — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 08:16:17 +0000

CRAPLAND, M25, Thursday (NNN) — Watford Council has barred access to two adventure playgrounds to parents, in order to protect their own children from them. Despite being widely publicised in the Daily Mail, it turned out the story was in fact accurate.

“We have made sure all children are under the care of qualified CRB checked and legit staff!!!” said Dorothy Thornhill, mayor of Watford, in her ‘blog.’ “I bet the parents can’t say that!!!!!”

Ms Thornhill said this action was required by Ofsted regulations, despite Ofsted saying even they weren’t so stupid as this. “Everyone knows most assaults on children come from their own parents, not from bogeymen strangers!! Imagine what the papers would say if a child was snatched from the playground and brutally beaten and violated and killed!!!!!!!!! We would never hear the end of it!!!!!!!

“No, better two adventure playgrounds contain only our legitimate CRB-checked, DNA-stored and GPS-tracked supervisory staff and no-one else whatsoever!! than allow even one child to be harmed!!!!!!!!! Not to mention us. We have an election thingy coming up next year, you know.”

Ms Thornhill refused further comment, leaving to have fun on the playground equipment with the qualified supervisors, other councillors and senior council staff. “Bugger off. It’s ours.”

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Julie Bindel: Trannies nicked my paper on the Tube

davidgerard — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 11:38:05 +0000

DERAIL REPLACEMENT BUS, Tranniesport for London, Thursday (Mediocre Grauniad) — I love travelling on the tube. Where women are women, men are refuse and transsexuals don’t offend me with their alleged existence. But since the advent of free papers such as Metro, it feels like my reading material isn’t my own. Trannies keep nicking my paper.

No sooner do I put one paper down to browse through another than it gets appropriated by some man with breasts. And when I demand its paperwork proving it’s the gender it spuriously claims to be, it looks at me funny!

I believe in share and share alike, but this morning I put my copy of Transsexuals: The “Women” Behind Hitler down on the seat opposite and someone who looked like a bearded man but was far too pretty to be one by birth — men do nothing for me, so this was obviously a woman — just leaned over and took it. Damned cheek! I called it a penis-wielding misogynist magazine rapist, but it just looked at me oddly, so obviously didn’t have a penis.

Does this happen to you or do I just look like a mug or soft touch? Don’t they know I work hard at discussing serious feminist issues and gender determinism in society?

I believe they do. Transsexuals have been hounding me for years, just because I quite objectively described them as misbegotten scum who should be put out of our ideological misery. Hideous twilight in-betweeners, trying to hijack female privilege from real women. Vile and odious halfling monsters oppressing women and children, particularly me, by their mere existence and interrupting my important journalistic work and committing the misogynistic hate crime of interfering with my speaking fee income. Hell, I bet they’d question Julie Burchill’s feminist cred.

The worst was last night after a few serious feminist drinks at which we resolved that “Andrea” Waddell had logically relinquished all right to be considered human. I woke up in the morning to discover some fucking tranny had puked all down my shirt. Worse than that, one had pissed my pants too. Fucksakes.

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Drugs chairman controversially states the bleeding obvious

davidgerard — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:18:37 +0000

EAT Y’SELF FITTER, The Priory, Thursday (NNN) — Professor David Nutt, the government’s chief drug misuse advisor, has been called upon to resign after stating the bloody obvious fact that alcohol is frequently more harmful than cannabis or Ecstasy.

“Alcohol ranks as the fifth most harmful drug after heroin, cocaine, barbiturates and methadone,” he said today. “Tobacco is ranked ninth. Cannabis, LSD and ecstasy are ranked lower at 11, 14 and 18 respectively. Shoooooom wibble wibble fairy blonk wuhwuhwuhwuhwuh,” he added as he levitated and zoomed out of the window.

“We are outraged,” said Home Secretary Alan Johnson. “This feckless statement of mere truth could derail all our attempts to control drugs and crime in an economically and socially responsible manner.”

The economies of poorer areas such as Hackney and Brixton largely revolve around drug dealing and associated criminal activity. “Without appropriate penalty-sustained drug pricing,” said Mr Johnson, “young persons will have no reasonable local entrepreneurial aspirations. They might have to get jobs or something. Furthermore, how are our knifemakers and ambulance staff expected to stay in work?”

Policing is also a major concern. “How would we get away with police openly patrolling with machine guns in Tooting? Professor Galileo’s work is an interesting intellectual exercise but is sadly ill-connected to the realities of modern society. It’s nice that he tried so hard, but it’s as if he expected us to actually care what he produced.

“Next he’ll say we should stop lying to children. How can they grow up right without a proper undertanding of what it takes to get a politician’s attention? In any case, after the War on Drugs, we have the War on Science. For the election, I’m pretty sure we’ll need a War on Arithmetic as well.”

Dave “Iggle Piggle” Cameron advocated a “more reasoned” approach when the Tories take office in June. “We’ll steer people to more socially redeeming chemical recreations. Bollinger at the Millwall game, what? And a tin of really quality snuff, since smoking is bad. Just say no, kids!”

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“Three strikes” to ensure security of all private communications

davidgerard — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 13:04:31 +0000

GEFFEN, Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) — Lord Mandelson has today announced that the outgoing Labour government will be going ahead with the “three strikes” plan against Internet filesharing, thus ensuring the widespread use of encryption in all routine network communications.

“Encrypted communications as standard is the best possible thing for everyone’s privacy,” he said today, “but there’s so much inertia from the installed base of unencrypted systems. This will provide a rapid incentive for everyone to upgrade as soon as possible. In our last few months in power at the fag-end of a failed government, we need to leave a real legacy for the future.”

The benchmark for the new system will be illegal filesharing dropping by 70%. “That’s measured illegal filesharing, of course. We have set out our metrics quite clearly. Furthermore, home taping is killing music.”

MI5 and the police have objected to the plan due to the difficulty of mass-monitoring encrypted systems, even with the RIPA power to obtain passwords, since mass anonymity systems such as TOR and Freenet have been constructed where the end-user never has nor sees the encryption key. “But a few hideous terrorist atrocities is a small price to pay for less Lily Allen songs being shared. Particularly if they happen on the Tories’ watch. MuWAAAhahahaha. By the way, have you noticed just how much Dave Cameron looks like Iggle Piggle? Uncanny.”

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Did humans and Neanderthals interbreed?

davidgerard — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 11:02:30 +0000

LASCAUX TESCAUX, Town Centre, Saturday night (NNN) — Modern humans and Neanderthals had sex across the species barrier, according to Professor Svante Paabo, a political scientist researching the British National Party.

Prof Paabo will shortly publish his analysis of the entire Neanderthal genome, using DNA retrieved from fossils. He aims to compare it with the genomes of modern humans, chimpanzees and neo-Nazis to work out where it all went horribly wrong.

“What I’m really interested in is, did they have children back then? And did these children go on to form the English Aborigine population of 17,000 years ago? And did their pamphlets make any more sense back then, and when did they introduce a football game to their regular Saturday bloodbaths?”

Such an answer might ease the controversy over recent contradictory discoveries. Some specimens seem to have both modern human and Neanderthal features, some even managing to string words into apparent sentences on Question Time. Some cave paintings of the time appear to be condemnations of “mud people,” particularly smart and beautiful ones who patronise them in public appearances.

“I used to believe Neanderthals were primitive,” said Professor Chris Stringer of the Natural History Museum, “but in the last ten to fifteen thousand years before they died out, around thirty thousand years ago, they were leaving behind complicated bead designs that appear from other cave paintings to translate, as far as we can work out, to ‘Fuck off you brain-dead fascist wanker.’”

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Microsoft surrenders Windows perpetrators on television

davidgerard — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 22:25:25 +0000

KARADZIC, Seattle, Tuesday (NNN) — Microsoft has commenced its “Windows 7 Was My Idea” campaign, a series of TV advertisements required of it after its conviction in the International Computer Criminal Court in the Hague for crimes against productivity, office workers and the human brain.

The advertisements feature the software developers and project managers responsible for some of the most famous features of Windows. Many had to be tracked down to jungle lairs in Paraguay, where they were hiding under cover of being mere ex-Nazis.

Particular public favourites include a sixty-second spot of the unnamed developer responsible for the system rebooting by itself after a background update, running random programs off a web page automatically, Windows Genuine Advantage and, especially, that fucking paperclip, being whipped by demons with barbed-wire Apple and Tux logos on chains on a live video feed from Hell while Adolf Hitler curled his lip in disgust and Steve Jobs laughed long and deep in the background.

Further punishments for Microsoft have been delayed as the Linux enthusiasts working on sentencing have yet to agree which distribution to run the hanging software on, and can’t get the FreeBSD and OpenSolaris users to shut up for a tick.

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Showing up to work at all “costs British economy £2.13 trillion a year”

davidgerard — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 11:30:01 +0000

WEB 1.99 RC 1, Oh God it’s nine o’clock, Monday morning (NNN) — Two-thirds of office workers use sites like Twitter and Facebook during the working day, wasting an average of 40 minutes a week each.

The survey was conducted by Morse IT, with no consideration whatsoever of the company’s extensive line of Internet filtering products.

Twatbook was costing the economy £1.38 billion zillion a year, pointless meetings learning to synergise our buzzword growth were costing £65.23 billion zillion a year, MP3 file sharing was costing £12 billion zillion a year, reading the Daily Telegraph was costing £15.25, drinking tea and eating food was costing £17.243154 (recurring) billion zillion a year, blinking on the job was costing £5 billion zillion a year and employees going to the toilet rather than having catheters fitted to stay at their desks 24 hours a day was costing £6.66 billion zillion a year. b3ta was free, for some reason.

The total losses to the economy added to more than the national gross domestic product, strongly suggesting that showing up to work at all, and indeed the capitalist system in toto, was a net loss, and we should all live off farming our back yards and send our tweets via actual carrier pigeons.

Temp agency OfficeAngels disagreed. “As younger generations join the workplace, I believe UK businesses will, inevitably, have to embrace social networks, recognising the benefits of providing staff with potential for business networking. So they can find a job somewhere that doesn’t insult their intelligence by blocking a knitting needle shop as a ‘weapons site’ or something equally twattish.”

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Jan Moir says she was “set up” on Question Time

davidgerard — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 20:04:55 +0000

TWITTER CENTRE, Whiter-than-White City, Friday (NNN) — Jan Moir today claimed London had been “ethnically cleansed” of heterosexual people after her appearance on Twitter Question Time last night.

“London is no longer a city my grandparents would recognise. It is changed beyond all recognition. Pooftahs from end to end!”

Ms Moir also complained about the change of format. “We know from the floods of emails from the lurkers who support me that the tweet stream was not shown in its normal format. They deliberately changed the whole format of Question Time in order to deal with me.”

But despite her bumbling delivery on last night’s tweet stream, the British Daily Mail Party claimed the event had sparked the “single biggest recruitment night” in the party’s history, with 3,000 people registering to sign up as members once a recruitment freeze — introduced in response to tens of thousands of PCC complaints over her last column — has been lifted.

By far the most savage account on the politician came from Twitterer Stephen Fry. “At one point, I had to restrain myself from slapping her. I had thought we’d face a formidable orator, somebody who knew her facts and had her ducks in a row, but the woman was a mess!”

Facing angry heckling, and at times looking shaken, Ms Moir:

Repeatedly refused to give her views on homosexuality;
Said that her statements that “these bum-burglars should all be killed by hideous torture to cleanse their terrible and sinful deviation” had been grossly misinterpreted and taken completely out of context;
Was forced to deny she was a pathologist and was better at telling what Stephen Gately had died of than the medical examiner;
Accused her detractors of an “orchestrated response” based on having completely unfairly actually read the article and conspiring to be revolted by it.

David Dimbleby, who chaired the session, wore a hideously garish green tie that just didn’t go with that suit at all, darling. Honestly.

Nick Griffin sighed in relief that it hadn’t been him. “It could have been disastrous for the cause of white power, I mean, English Aborigines.”

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Windows 7 released on Question Time to mass protests

davidgerard — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 22:42:32 +0000

TELEVISION OUTSKIRTS, Off-White City, Thursday (MSBBC) — Microsoft National Party leader Windows 7 has insisted it was “not Vista” during its first appearance on the BBC’s Question Time.

The political discussion programme was recorded as Macintosh and Linux campaigners protested outside Television Centre. The BBC maintained Windows 7 deserved representation on the programme for having outsold its closest direct competitor, a Harry Potter book from a couple of years ago.

Windows 7 was booed at the start of the recording and accused of having “malware politics” as it was attacked by fellow panelists and the audience. Its opposition to immigration from Windows XP was also controversial.

Windows 7 said it was not out to viciously kill other operating systems and, when David Dimbleby asked if it denied that the monopoly abuse happened, merely smiled and said that it had never actually been penalised for monopoly abuse. It also denied that it had said that “Bill Gates went a bit too far,” despite having been captured on video saying so. It merely advocated Microsoft Nationalism, such as the classic Microsoft national diet of lard, lard, lard and a bit more lard on top.

It said it had been “demonised” and repeatedly denied doing things which have been attributed to Vista. It attributed photos of it wearing a T-shirt saying “The Wow™ starts NOW!” to youthful foolishness. Windows 7 also decried the leak of Microsoft’s latest dismal quarterly results on Wikileaks, saying the contents were complete fiction and a breach of private matters between the Microsoft National Party and the financial authorities.

But it claimed its popularity was vastly increasing and mentioned a report it had commissioned saying that two-thirds of UK business would move to Windows 7 by the year 2100. Probably.

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Cheryl Cole’s supervillain lair refused planning permission

davidgerard — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 21:23:59 +0000

EX FACTOR, Smersh, Tuesday (N! News) — Pop android Cheryl Cole has lost her fight to build a secret underground swimming pool in her supervillain’s lair high in the craggy mountains of Guildford, despite claiming “spies in the sky” would try to snap her in her bikini if she had an outdoor pool.

Mrs Cole claimed she was too famous to sunbathe in her own garden for fear of being buzzed from the air. “Them Russkies will stop at nothing to beat England,” she said. “Ash told me they beat us at football last week.”

The Coles have already transformed their classic English cottage with three storeys above ground, five below, a helipad and an aircraft hangar. They wanted to construct a 12m×5m below-ground pool with a gym, spa, sauna and steam room, a missile silo, a radar scanner and a laser space beam to take out interstellar paparazzi UFOs to stop them being pictured in “intimate episodes.” The council also refused permission for a second anti-aircraft gun.

“It’s so sad,” said Mrs Cole, “now I’ll just have to wander around topless in my own garden and be photographed shagging Ashley in the pool with no protection from photographers whatsoever. Saturday afternoons, yeah? Get my left side if you can, that tit’s bigger.” She said Ashley had insisted she was still to address him as “Thunderbird One” in bed.

Style icon Cheryl was voted Lad Wanker Magazine’s “Dumbest Othewise-Cute Woman In The World 2009″ earlier this year. Police have warned citizens that her new album has just been released.

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Sky blasts BBC over use of licence fees for television

davidgerard — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 23:19:59 +0000

TELEVISION OUTSKIRTS, Osterley, Wednesday (Mediocre Grauniad) — In a submission to the BBC Trust, BSkyB has lambasted the BBC for using taxpayer’s money to invest in television, claiming the move would “stifle innovation” in the marketplace.

“They shouldn’t go off and do their own thing and use their unique funding to drive a coach and horses through the market development,” said Sky commercial director Stephen Nuttall. “That’s Rupert’s job.”

Rupert Murdoch said that the BBC and Google were conspiring to make all content free. “The BBC model can’t possibly work. You’d think it was good or something. Well, it isn’t, it’s shit. Hardly any tits at all.” He condemned Google blatantly stealing content from news services such as News International, all of whose papers’ websites not merely fail to block Google but actually have a special site map just for Google to index content from. The Independent faithfully echoed Mr Murdoch’s words in Sunday’s editorial, railing against Google despite themselves serving up an index page especially for them.

Google did not comment, but did mumble something about newspaper advertising being down 29% on last year and internet advertising having greater dollar value than television advertising. In other news, the search for a new chairman for ITV is in its sixth month.

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Carter-Ruck successfully preserves Trafigura’s online reputation

davidgerard — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 10:46:55 +0000

[SUPPRESSED], Wikileaks, Tuesday (NNN) — Carter-Ruck and Associates, the finest libel lawyers in the world, have successfully protected the good reputation of oil and toxic waste company Trafigura by obtaining an injunction preventing the Guardian from reporting the fact of a Parliamentary question on Trafigura dumping toxic waste off the Ivory Coast, killing and injuring thousands.

“It’s been hard work,” said a source we were injuncted from naming, “but the public repute of my client, who cannot be named, is absolutely protected from these allegations that do not exist, or may as well not exist. British defamation laws remain unequalled in the First World.”

The Parliamentary question relates to Trafigura dumping thousands of tons of sulphurous coker naptha mixed with caustic soda off Côte d’Ivoire in 2006, with full knowledge as detailed in internal emails that doing so would likely cause thousands of injuries and deaths.

Bloggers around the world were unanimous in their praise for Trafigura’s fine public spirit and Carter-Ruck’s fancy footwork, with enough admirers on Twitter to make “#Trafigura” and “#CarterFuck” the top two trending terms for much of Tuesday.

“We at Carter-Ruck are proud to be so effective in protecting such deserving clients, and look forward to working just as effectively for the reputations of similarly environmentally well-behaved companies around the globe,” said Carter-Ruck’s new directors of marketing George Monbiot and Julian Assange.

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Ubuntu “Karmic Koala” released for men

davidgerard — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 17:20:28 +0000

THAWTELESS, West London, Monday (NNGadget) — Canonical, Inc. has announced the release later this month of Ubuntu Linux 9.10, “Karmic Koala,” to men.

Project founder Mark Shuttleworth explained that “this stuff is difficult to explain to girls” and thought they’d have gotten the hint when he called 8.04 “Hairy Hardon.” “Worrying about sexism in open source just detracts from the battle for Linux. So we’ve put the tits back into the default desktop. And arses.”

Crime-fighting geek Shuttleworth, who dresses as a billiionaire playboy by night, swore that plenty of women liked him lots and that he obviously wasn’t unable to get laid or anything, having gotten seriously rich in the dot-com era, not to mention having gone into space. “Chicks dig that stuff. Trust me, I’ve met lots of girls. More than five!”

Canonical Community Manager Jono Bacon echoed this sentiment on his blog. “We just don’t understand how come women are 15% of all computer programmers but only 1% of open source programmers. It must be a bit complicated for them. That’s why I’ve written this spontaneous blog post, completely unrelated to anything my boss may or may not have said, on all the fantastically talented women in free software, even if none of them seem to work much on Ubuntu any more. Also, I’m absolutely confident that saying I’m in a computer geek heavy metal band will get me lots of chicks too, even if their pretty little heads can’t understand Linux.”

A special women’s edition of Ubuntu 9.10 will be released on a bright pink CD. “It doubles as a makeup mirror!” said Shuttleworth.

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Microsoft renders Sidekick data completely secure

davidgerard — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 21:38:40 +0000

NOWHERE LAND, Seattle, Sunday (NNGadget) — Microsoft today implemented its 100% Data Confidentiality package for T-Mobile Sidekick, comprehensively protecting users’ contacts, email and messages from any possible attacker.

“Our data security is impenetrable,” said Steve Ballmer, “and will reassure everyone of the data integrity of our Windows Azure Screen Of Death cloud computing and Windows Mobile initiatives.”

Microsoft plans to leverage the new confidentiality mechanism to finally purge the horror of Vista from the face of the earth, in the same manner as firing all the contractors who knew how to build Windows 2000 and having to reconstruct Windows XP from bits of NT 4.

Microsoft Sharepoint users looked forward to a similar denouement as the only safe way to scour their hopelessly incompetent organisations from the world in a manner that would not infect successor organisations.

Microsoft is putting together an outsourcing proposal to the UK government for data protection.

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Black Muslim lesbians take over Top Gear

davidgerard — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 20:27:01 +0000

TELEVISION EXTREMITIES, Shepherd’s Bush, Saturday (NNN) — After Jeremy Clarkson’s column in the November issue of Top Gear magazine berating BBC executives’ fondness for “black Muslim lesbians,” a crack squad of said demographic has staged a coup and taken over the show.

“The plague of political correctness means that women are allowed to have jobs, ethnic minorities are not discriminated against, and bullying and sexual harassment are not allowed. This would be a disaster to Top Gear,” he said in the column.

In the next episode, airing tomorrow evening, the new team will crash-test Jeremy Clarkson’s ego using a Robin Reliant, a Sherman tank and a spare NASA probe similar to the one shot at the moon yesterday. The climactic finale will involve a clue-tipped nuclear bomb being directed at Jeremy Clarkson’s skull. “We’re fully confident not even that will penetrate,” said Linda Bellos.

Scientific testing suggests that Mr Clarkson is in fact a highly intelligent and knowledgeable man, as is Jonathan Ross, despite the gross implausibility of such a result. The reports are being reviewed by Ben Goldacre. Jonathan Ross has also been found to look better in a miniskirt, and his blackness, lesbianism and Islamicity are under review.

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Obama attacks moon while receiving Peace Prize

davidgerard — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 14:58:06 +0000

HELMAND, Neuschwabenland, Friday (NNN) — Barack Obama, the President of Earth, has controversially launched an attack on the Lunar Imperium the same day he received the Nobel Peace Prize for not being George W. Bush.

“We closely examined Mr Obama’s record over the past nine months,” said Nobel Prize committee chair Thorbjørn Jagland, “and have established to our satisfaction that he has succeeded in not been George W. Bush in any manner whatsoever. Also, the flying cars, moving sidewalks and robot servants he brought in are pretty cool.”

The committee had initially been concerned that Mr Obama may have been, per investigations by “birther” researchers, a replicant created by the team responsible for the cyborgization of Dick Cheney, to take his place as humanity’s next robot overlord after Mr Cheney’s term had finished. “However, we are now confident that his documentation of Autobot manufacture is entirely in order.”

The surprise attack on the moon came after a CIA report indicated the Taliban had set up shop in the old Nazi moon base, based on intelligence gathered from secret mass phone tapping. The Obama administration denied it was merely an excuse to invade the Lunar Imperium and steal its water.

“It grieves us terribly that our lunar brothers have let us down so,” said Mr Obama today. “But with mutual respect and communication, I am confident we can work through our differences. We’ll teach them to love again DESTROY ALL HUMANS DESTROY ALL HUMANS SOCIALIZE HEALTH CARE I’m sorry, I’m having a minor glitch. I’ll get back to you.”

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X Factor Top 10: All you need to know about any of them

davidgerard — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 23:09:01 +0000

X Factor contestants are grown in vats in a factory in south Wales, using repurposed equipment from the Australian soap opera factories of the 1980s. The replicants are programmed with a fictional past that always involves a dead parent. In six seasons, no-one involved has yet bothered writing a second fictional past.
Their rudimentary brains are removed before filming and replaced with the control mechanism from a clockwork mouse, doubling their IQs and improving their personalities.
Dannii Minogue is an all-Australian suburban android who has come to Britain to annihilate humanity after failing quality control in the Australian vat factory and escaping into the desert.
Louis Walsh bought the factory equipment from the Reg Grundy corporation in the late 1990s, with several false starts employing its products in Ireland.
The X Factor mentoring process involves poking the contestants with sticks while still in the vat. Ethics societies had originally expressed grave concerns, but, after interviewing the vat creatures and assessing their personalities, have unanimously heralded the process as not merely acceptable but a moral imperative, and asked when they could have a go too.
Cheryl Cole does not understand how her presence on the show is itself a cruel, cruel taunt.
The vat creations must snort an entire bottle of fake tan every six hours to preserve their bodies from decay. Those surviving the show can often be found on street corners, pale and shriveled, asking passers-by for fiddy pee for hair gel and pleading to let them audition for them.
Rikki Loney is actually descended from creatures who emerge from bogs to steal your children. His hair was made by his mum for him from pain, horror and the tears of dying infants.
Ben Elton cleverly satirised the X Factor process in his novel Chart Throb. Mr Elton prefers more artistically substantial endeavours in his own work, such as a gratuitous sequel to Phantom of the Opera set in America. Next you know he’ll try writing a West End musical based on the works of the Sex Pistols. Can’t wait to see what he does with “Bodies”.
Simon Cowell hates you more than you will ever know. Although if you watch X Factor you might get an inkling.

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TomTom launches cut-price Darwin Signature satnav

davidgerard — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 22:59:46 +0000

TWO HUNDRED METRES, Turn Left, Thursday (NNN) — Minicab saviour TomTom has announced their latest navigation device, the Stop, targeting motorists on a budget. The price is subsidised by donations from the motoring public in honour of the 150th anniversary of the publication of Charles Darwin’s Origin of Species.

The user interface has been greatly simplified, with just an on-off switch and a microphone. No installation is required, the user merely beating the gadget into place on his (usually his) dashboard with his forehead.

In operation, the user shouts his planned destination at the Stop and the device determines its mode of operation according to the precision of the destination, the estimated intelligence of the user and the number of casual ethnic slurs and appropriately applies the latest database of railroad tracks, Ministry of Defence firing ranges and cliffs before announcing“Mon aeroglisseur est plein d’anguilles” and shutting down.

The voice is the standard GPS “Dominatrix” voice, the new interface adding images emphasising its withering disdain for the driver’s motoring prowess and genitalia.

The Stop will be available free to white van men, real estate agents, students whose parents have just bought them their first car and Chelsea mothers in Range Rovers. It will be made mandatory for Daily Mail readers.

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Microsoft Windows beats all in security tests

davidgerard — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 22:56:49 +0000

YESLER WAY, Seattle, Monday (NNGadget) — Microsoft Windows has once again trounced all comers in security, with a recent survey showing 59% of all Windows machines on the Internet being infected with malware and under the control of botnets. Malware rose 15% just from August to September this year.

Windows users continued to be stupidly complacent Typhoid Marys, telling Mac and Linux users that they were every bit as susceptible to viruses and Trojans, despite the Windows:Mac:Linux virus proportions in the wild continuing at approximately 100%:0%:0% for the fifteenth year in a row, and pumping out gigabytes of spam and denial-of-service attacks from their thoroughly 0wn3d computing cesspits.

“The truth is out,” said Steve Ballmer, taing care not to wash his hands when preparing the food for his Windows 7 House Party. “Mac and Linux users are just too pussy for viruses. Gotta keep your immune system up! What are you, some sort of faggot? Too artsy or nerdy for MANLY food?”

The time on the digital clock behind him changed at random as he foamed slightly at the mouth. “Windows — we’re NUMBER ONE! And here you were saying Windows was a load of ‘number two.’”

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Apple, Inc sues apples for trademark violation

davidgerard — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 20:55:31 +0000

ANOTHER INFINITE LOOP, Cupertino, Monday (NNN) — In its latest move to protect the consumer and, of course, its valuable intellectual property and reputation, Apple has brought a trademark violation suit in Australia against nature.

“The violations are all over trees, sometimes orchards full of them,” said Steve Jobs today. “And not a compatible USB connection to iTunes in sight! We feel this is grossly deceptive and misleading.” Apple has already sent legal letters to several supermarkets and greengrocers.

Apple’s legal challenge attempts to prevent nature from using an imitation of its famous logo. The company is upset by nature having exercised a blanket trademark that would allow it to put “apples” anywhere it pleased, in any of the forty-five trademark categories in Australian law. “It’s as if they think it’s a generic word!”

”While we can’t rule anything out,” said Metatron, the voice of Almighty God, “we haven’t got any further market plans at the moment. We had enough trouble bringing apples back into favour after we started the clothing market, not to mention the entire basis of economics, six thousand years ago. And I’m an angel, you idiot, not a Transformer. Didn’t you see me in Dogma?”

Macintosh users quickly rallied behind the company, Daniel Eran Dilger writing a 75,000-word Roughly Drafted article weighing Apple’s trademark defence against Almighty God’s “bigoted and homophobic attack” on Sodom and Gomorrah.

Almighty God Himself said he had considered the issue. “But as long as … that guy … can get new livers, I’m a bit at a loss as to what to reasonably attempt next.”

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Robert Peston: The morning tea deficit explained

davidgerard — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 21:39:25 +0000

YOUR DESK, Work, every day is like Monday (NNN) — It’s five minutes past nine and the workplace economy is in the doldrums. Everyone is present but no work is flowing. Economics is, after all about the flows. How to stimulate industry?

While workers’ in-trays remain thin, the rate of decline across the office is slowing as people face up to the task of opening Outlook and getting their twitching right middle finger away from the delete key. Wordless grunt output rose 0.5% between 9:05 and 9:10, the fastest pace of growth since the start of business according to your boss who cycled in at 8am and looks like he’s about to run a marathon around the desks. You look up bleary-eyed and wonder if he has an amphetamine gland but conclude the fucker’s just like that.

The recovery formula is complex. Your arsehole co-worker wants his tea bag contacting water for thirty seconds, your nice co-worker wants Earl Grey which takes longer, your boss wants some herbal hippie rubbish and you want yours boiled orange in a boot with four sugars. All this takes five minutes away from your desk during which you don’t have to do complicated things like work a keyboard at this hour, merely pour boiling water all over the place with gay abandon.

But a successful quantitative teaing should see better flow of fingers on keys, increased word count in looking-productive emails, a break from reading the b3ta message boards and a risk of actual effort returning. Followed by a handy break to piss like a fountain and coincidentally play several rounds of Snake on your phone before walking quickly back to your desk as if you’re in a hurry to get there.

While there are tentative signs that quantitative teaing is working, there remains more to be done. Some work would probably be an idea. Additional tea can help the flow of work about the office, help you try to pretend your co-workers are in any way shaggable whatsoever and help you look forward to drinks after work with your nice co-worker where you can both hold forth with detailed discussion of your excess competence and productivity and chronic deficit of pay, despite the complete absence of any evidence whatsoever that either is the case.

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Gordon Brown threatens Britain with fireside podcasts

davidgerard — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 20:02:40 +0000

GET ON UP, I Wanna Do My Thing, Sunday (NNN) — James Gordon Brown, the hardest-working Prime Minister in show business, has warned the economy to buck up its ideas and get on its feet or he will unleash his erudition in a weekly podcast.

Downing Street compared the podcast to Franklin D. Roosevelt’s “fireside chats” broadcast on radio in the 1930s. “Not that we are saying that present economic circumstances are comparable to the Great Depression. Ha! Ha! Did John Kennedy do radio broadcasts? Perhaps we should do something to compare Gordon to him. Peter suggested a visit to Dallas.”

FDR’s Fireside Chats were some of the most popular radio shows of the era. Echoing this success, downloads of Mr Brown’s first podcast by people other than journalists writing about it are soon to break double figures.

Iran has stated that it would treat any active deployment of Gordon Brown podcasts as an act of war and is building up its strategic reserve of recordings of the wit and wisdom of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

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Evening Standard to pay readers to take it

davidgerard — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 14:55:45 +0000

PAGE THREE, Daily Fail, Friday (Mediocre Grauniad) — From Monday week, the London Evening Standard will compete with freesheet London Lite by paying readers to take the wretched thing.

“We will widen the paper’s audience as a deterrence against corruption,” said proprietor Alexander Lebedev. “To this end, we will engage in widespread bribery to get readers.”

“Sustaining a paid-for afternoon newspaper had its challenges even when we were trying to bribe people with chocolate bars or umbrellas or just quietly give it away free unofficially,” said managing director Andrew Mullins. “Paying people to take a quality newspaper with large scale and reach should transform our commercial fortunes. What we lose on each copy, we’ll make up in volume. OI, GARÇON! MORE COKE AND HOOKERS OVER HERE, TOUTE SUITE S’IL VOUS PLAÎT, MATE! Did we mention our boss is a lunatic Russian billionaire trying to buy respectability?”

“The important thing is to speak to your audience,” said editor Georgie Grieg. “After a day at work, actual sentences just go straight over the head of the typical office worker. So we’ll print fifteen full-colour pages of celebrity cleavages, ten of completely bullshit science stories that are actually marketing press releases, twice as many Sudokus as the Lite and a daily cartoon of a dog turd speaking entirely in asterisked-out swearing. And maybe a bit of news for light relief. I can’t see how anyone wouldn’t accept money to be seen in public holding that!”

The move will raise fresh speculation about the future of afternoon free newspaper London Lite, much of whose editorial content is supplied by the Standard. The Lite managed to avoid the London Paper trap of good graphic design and a decent cartoon, having instead taken the care to look like something that would permanently stain your fingers grey even when printed on good quality paper. In a “truth in journalism” initiative, the new Standard will be printed on toilet paper using actual faeces.

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Google Wave to transform the Internet

davidgerard — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 21:55:33 +0000

WELL I NEVER, What Will They Think Of Next, The Future (NNGadget) — The “tech world” is awash with excitement for today’s scheduled release of a hundred thousand invitations to preview Wave, Google’s innovative new website, communication protocol, interactive environment, multiplayer online role-playing game, bulletin board, wiki, dessert wax and floor topping. Experts, all heavily consulted by the media while Parliament is in recess, say it will revolutionise how we do business, organise parties, manage projects, make friends, waste our employer’s time at work, pick up girls we swear we didn’t realise were under sixteen and cheat on our homework.

I’ve been testing the Google Wave Developer Preview. The implications for journalists alone are stunning:

Collaborative reporting: Using the Google Wave interface, two reporters can take turns at the keyboard of an Internet terminal and “type” both their names at the top of an article. Then they can both write material for the article below the double byline! Incredible!
Record and archive interviews: We can write down the words actually spoken by an interviewee. The words can then be “saved” for use later. Amazing!
Timelines: The Google Wave Timeline™ can be used to show a timeline of events — just type a clock time and then note what happened around that time! Punctual!
Discuss what you read: People who read stories can write “comments” on them, by writing them in their Google Wave interface, then “e-mailing” then in to the editors for due consideration and possible publication on the next day’s edition of the “site”! Interactive!
Smarter story updates: Instead of adding “Updated” to the end of an updated story, we can use the Google Wave Cursor™ and the Google Wave Arrow Keys™ and edit the story text in the middle! Make those commenters look as silly in their supposed “corrections” as you know they should do!

In conclusion, Google Wave is clearly an absolute boon to the noble institution of the Fourth Estate in its mission to protect the public good, further the dynamism of social discourse and watch the watchmen. And this is why we at News International consider Google a threat and menace to the news media and the institution of journalism that must be reined in by government edict without delay. God bless you all, and please PayPal us 20p for having read this article, you parasitical pixel-stained technopeasant. And now, Tories and tits.

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Gordon Brown promises “magical happyland of unicorns and faeries” to Labour conference

davidgerard — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 09:34:16 +0000

WEST PEER, Skidrow-On-Sea, Tuesday (NNN) — Gordon Brown has given a rousing speech at the Labour conference promising the loyal Party members exciting new policies, a Labour victory and other unearthly and supernatural manifestations.

The carefully-vetted Party members, who had been checked for rotten tomatoes and cabbages at the door, spontaneously applauded for five minutes after each sentence, under the loving but watchful eye of Lord Mandelson, who spent the speech idly toying with the safety catch of a laser disintegrator that was trained upon the crowd. Mr Brown undertook that:

Bankers will be asked very nicely not to pay themselves too much of the taxpayer’s money, or at least to do it quietly.
Identity cards will be only slightly mandatory, and hardly absolutely required for doing anything whatsoever at all, really. Honest. Smiley faces will be put on all CCTV cameras to cheer up the populace. “Think of them as a loving elder sibling, looking out for your welfare.”
Teenage mothers will be sent to Re-Education and Enlightenment Camps as a gateway to a network of Productivity Homes, where they can be inculcated with the true British spirit.
ASBOs will be strictly enforced by the same team responsible for bankers’ bonuses and teenage mothers.
J. K. Rowling will write a second series of Harry Potter books to revive the British economy. “EDS Capita Goatse have kindly offered to take on the support contract for this work. Apparently they have a very talented fellow called Kevin J. Anderson on the task already.” Kings Cross Station will be completely remodelled to match its depiction in the films.
The venomous radioactive fanged bats, rotting zombie vultures crying “Nevermore!” and demonic naked sirens swooping around the room apparently tearing bodies apart and blinking in and out of existence are mere Tory propaganda attempting to wear our spirits down.
Labour will soundly defeat the Liberal Democrats to become the next Opposition.

An election manual, Protect and Survive, was circulated to all members, including useful advice such as “duck and cover.”

“Now is not the time to give in, but to reach inside ourselves for the strength of our convictions!” he finished, at which point Lord Mandelson stopped the speech and led Mr Brown off the stage before he could actually attempt to put his hand down his own throat.

Lord Mandelson indicated the party’s outrage with the unspeakable rudeness of Andrew Marr’s earlier questions as to whether Mr Brown was on medication. “The implication that Gordon’s deeply sincere words were due to the influence of stupendous quantities of powerful hallucinogens lends entirely undue credence to the outrageous fabrications of right-wing bloggers,” said Lord Mandelson. “He’s actually just like that naturally.”

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Daily Mail suspends complete bollocks injections after reader dies of stupidity

davidgerard — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 15:53:28 +0000

DACRE, Moron Piers, Tuesday (NNN) — Associated Newspapers today suspended all injections of scaremongering bollocks after a reader seemed to die of stupidity hours after reading the Daily Mail.

Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam, was found dead in his armchair after reading the UK Daily Mail’s campaign against cervical cancer vaccines and the Irish Daily Mail’s campaign for them in the same hour. “The doctor said his brain function had ceased six months before,” said his grieving wife Brenda, “shortly before he started getting the Mail home delivered. It was about then he started smelling funny, too. But only yesterday he was talking about asylum-seeking Poles and house prices!”

Critics of the Daily Mail have said it will encourage promiscuous idiocy, with reports of outbreaks of Richard Littlejohn. “Big Publishing is abusing our grandparents for memetic experiments. It’s all about money for them. A hundred-year-old criminal enterprise targeting our loved ones!”

Associated Newspapers has refused to say whether it would still allow tens of thousands of grumpy old gits across the country to receive the paper in the months ahead. But there were calls for the entire Daily Mail distribution programme to be suspended in the interests of sanity and good taste.

A number of Busybody’s mates down the pub have reported similar side-effects after our reporter paid them for their kind participation in this story.

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Kraft names new Vegemite: “Axle Grease Shit 2.0”

davidgerard — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 14:22:26 +0000

TOO FAR DOWN UNDER, Marketers At Work, Saturday (NNN) — In the quarter-final ad break of the Australian Football League grand final, Kraft has revealed the winning entry in the competition to name its new spreadable Vegemite cream cheese mix: Axle Grease Shit 2.0.

The winning name was submitted by Dean Robbins, 27, of 129 Cowle Street, West Perth, Western Australia 6005. “What? Won? Fuck off. Really? Oh Jesus. I just thought it was funny. Look, we were really fuckin’ stoned, right? The big jars make great bongs. It gets really dull in Perth. Just don’t print my name or where I live, all right?”

Acclaim for the new name has been universal. “Lean customer engagement value justification social media benchmarking personalized interconnected sincere voice user-directed market identity,” said Kraft marketing marketer Simon Talbot. “Strategic promotainment visibility ‘wow’-factor network actionable content optimisation wiki analytics B2E brandstorming corporate DNA semantic mapping please dear Lord stop me before I kill again Obama effect synergy ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn research embedding. We even have the theme song:”

I said, do you spikka my language?
He just smiled and chundered Axle Grease Shit 2.0 all over me.

Colin Hay from Men At Work has reprised his most famous song for the commercial, but did want it noted that it was only because he was desperate for the cash and that he would be ritually killing himself immediately after the recording. “I might throw myself into a vat of Axle Grease Shit 2.0. There’s nothing like it!™”

Later ads have licenced an old Shell Oil jingle:

When the going’s hard
Don’t retard
Remember your lubrication.

“Actually, I might wait for Axle Grease Shit 2.0.1,” said Hay. “Dot-zero releases never work right.”

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Tory candidate not working for PR company

davidgerard — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 18:37:40 +0000

CASHIER’S DESK, Parliament.co.uk, Friday (NNN) — Conservatives indicated disquiet today with a candidate who was not working as a lobbyist with a public relations firm on the side.

With its new emphasis on the necessity of more efficient government in these straitened times, the party has 140 prospective Tory candidates likely to be elected who work as lobbyists, many having started in the job after their selection. “Greater transparency is needed to help ensure high standards in public life,” said David Cameron, himself a former public relations person. “So we’ll be making a standard price list openly available.”

When so much of the Conservative manifesto remains unwritten, many seek to shape it. But so many Tory candidates working in PR poses a particularly awkward problem for Mr Cameron. “Public relations people aren’t noted for coherent thought, ability to write in a way that doesn’t immediately hit spam filters or, indeed, just not making you want to strangle them,” he said today. “That said, I do believe we could run a dog turd in a suit and tie against Labour and win. So we’re running several.”

Gordon Brown said this was typical of the “Bullingdonian running dogs” of the Conservative Party. “People want deep knowledge and appreciate honesty. It’s not all a shiny smiling face and telly sincerity. Just look at my ratings against those of Cameron or Tony Blair … arse.”

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Windows 7 party video snatches defeat from the jaws of victory

davidgerard — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 13:44:29 +0000

YESLER WAY, Seattle, Friday (NNGadget) — Office supply company Microsoft has reassured consumers and industry analysts that its decline will continue with the new video on how to run a Windows 7 house party, whose “viral” nature goes beyond “herpes” or “swine flu” to “SARS.”

Originally thought to be a devastating satirical spoof before being confirmed as genuine, the video features Stepford wives and husbands reading lines off the autocues in each others’ blank eyes on how to hold a party. The digital clock on the cooker in the background jumps around at random. The black guy and the MILF go off to fuck. Finally, everyone drinks the cyanide-laced Kool-Aid and looks forward to being one with Steve Jobs in the next world, before discovering that they have been judged unworthy and will spend eternity with Steve Ballmer instead.

The video was produced by the same team that advertised Vista with comedians Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates, working again with abnormal psychology researchers from the University of Washington. “Count the headlines!” shouted one of the marketing department’s several thousand monkeys with video cameras. “Count the YouTube views! It’s clear that my work gets the brand out, and if I don’t get appropriate compensation in my annual review I’ll be suing.” The Polish version of the video features a white face crudely cut-and-pasted over the black guy’s head.

“Windows 7 was getting great reviews,” said completely independent ZDnet marketing marketer Mary Jo Enderle, “even the geeks loved the preview versions, everyone was amazed that Microsoft appeared to have successfully grown past the Vista disaster. But the mind-sodomising cluelessness of thinking this video was actually a good idea has firmly snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, blessed Windows 7 with the stench of death, confirmed that it really is just Vista with a coat of paint and set everyone’s mind at rest.

“That’s why my column this week talks about all the great stuff coming in Windows 8. Windows 8, that’s the one to beat! It’ll work on netbooks! It’ll be secure! It’ll have a database filesystem! Snow Leopard can’t touch it! Businesses should definitely move from XP!”

Microsoft has previously shown its deft ability to drop the ball two yards from the end of the field with the XBox 360, in which a powerful and popular game console was manufactured so shoddily that over 50% of machines turned out defective, and the Zune, in which an MP3 player of decent hardware capabilities at a good price point was crippled with bad firmware and unusable software and sold in a package the color of baby shit. “In a stroke of genius, they put in wifi but not a web browser, so the iPod Touch could steal their thunder six months later. You don’t get brilliance like that for free.”

The new, abbreviated Windows 7 house party instructions have been sent to marketing: “Here is a Windows 7 DVD. Here is a bottle of vodka. Here is a gun with one bullet.”

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G20: Financial crisis response “worked for us”

davidgerard — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 21:00:52 +0000

HECK, Pennsylvania, Friday (NNN) — Leaders of the world’s biggest economies have announced that they have won the financial crisis fight. “It worked,” declared the Group of 20, “and will keep us in power long enough.”

The April G20 meeting declared that the world economy was “facing its greatest challenge in our generation. We must do whatever it takes to shore up the system that has worked so well for our donors and very good friends. And get re-elected.”

Today’s draft statement says that “our forceful response helped stop the dangerous, sharp decline in our credibility and that of the financial markets. The people are still living under bridges and eating boiled shoe leather, but they think we’ve got a plan to get them out of it. God bless ’em and their cute little dreams!”

But there is much to be done. “A sense of normalcy should not lead to complacency. There are 2010 mid-terms to think of as well as the 2012 Presidential election.”

The programme is expected to continue. “As we face the current global and economic crisis, the G20 has proven its effectiveness and usefulness by bringing together leaders of both developed and developing countries in the quest to save their own skins. Gordon’s still totally screwed, of course.”

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Parents beg for mercy from Justin Fletcher

davidgerard — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 19:54:05 +0000

THE NIGHT GARDEN, Television Outskirts, Thursday (NNeebies) — Parents’ welfare groups begged for mercy as the full horror of Justin Fletcher’s new CBeebies show Gigglebiz became apparent.

“It’s vitally important,” said Mr Fletcher, recipient of an MBE for services to children’s broadcasting, “that I use the full range of my ability as an actor — funny accents, pantomime drag and more funny accents — to educate and enlighten the children of Britain to their very first encounters with tired comedy tropes and decades-old clichés. I’ve also notified the BBC Trust that I’m fine with CBeebies being renamed the Justin Fletcher Network. And a knighthood next January.”

Forthcoming shows include:

Charlie and Justin — with Charlie (Mark Thompson) patiently putting up with the incessant babbling of his high-rating sister.
Tumblemory — in which Justin does his bad Scottish accent in six different wigs.
In The Night Justin — in which Justin runs around with a red blanket and sproingy hair shouting through a megaphone that it’s time for bed. The original title, In The Night Tumble, would have led to the show being rated N for “nightmare fuel.”
Waybuloo — “I’m sorry,” said Mr Fletcher, “even I can’t take enough drugs for this one.”

The dangerous expansion of Britain’s arsenal of intercontinental ballistic Justin Fletcher shows was made possible by the revelation that middle-aged suburban fathers are not covered by the provisions of the Geneva Convention. “As if Cerrie wasn’t bad enough. The bargain is, we put up with having this crap on all day, you give us eye candy. No, it’s not the gimp hand, that’s fine, it’s that fucking grin. What happened to Pui? At least we have her old topless shots. Lesbian punks wahey! I’ll put up with Cerrie for some gimp-on-girl action. Deal?”

Attempts to wrench toddlers away from the screen were futile, resulting only in the Makaton for “my cult masters will wreak their revenge upon your puny race.”

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Lily Allen fights for “three strikes” proposal

davidgerard — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 15:29:15 +0000

ABBEY NORMAL, London Lite, Wednesday (N! News) — Major British recording artists will meet to try to hammer out a truce on their views on the Mandelson-Geffen “three strikes” proposal to cut off filesharers.

Radiohead, Pink Floyd and Blur have said the proposals are unworkable and will only alienate people. However, Lily Allen has come out strongly in favour of the proposals, saying that “the fackin’ slags need a good fackin’ kickin’. It’s fine for the rich fackers, but it’s all a bit of a rum do for the starving artistes like me, what? Er, I mean, fack the fackin’ fackers. Innit. Blud.” She then accidentally exposed one of her nipples.

Lily Allen came to popularity from filesharers pointing to her MySpace page. “Fackin’ fans, fackin’ fack the fackers,” she wrote in a blog post plagiarised without attribution from TechDirt. If she copies two more blog posts, or if anyone notices the mixtapes of other artists’ music on her website, her Internet will be cut off.

James Blunt has backed Ms Allen’s position strongly. Respecting his stance, filesharers across Britain have sworn never to download a James Blunt song again if they can possibly avoid it, several taking out insurance against such an event.

Jim Killock of the Open Rights Group has put forward a proposal for a small mandatory licence percentage for copyright holders, as on radio and television. “We plead with the music industry not to throw us into the mandatory licence briar patch,” said Mr Killock, “in which no-one ever buys a record again otherwise as they’ve already paid for it. Please.”

“Punk Floyd … weren’t it them what did ‘Beatlearchy In The UK’? Hippy crap,” said 14-year-old music fan KT Myspce, loading up another Lady Gaga song to play in the background from YouTube.

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Three-year-old is youngest crime suspect in Britain

davidgerard — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 23:12:09 +0000

DO AS YOU PLEASE, Faraway Tree, Sunday (NNN) — A three-year-old boy is the youngest known suspect in a British criminal inquiry.

“Little Johnny” Pleb, 3¼, who cannot be named, is the centre of a vast criminal enterprise in Strathclyde. He started his underworld network aged two and a half, gathering a gang of toddlers excluded from shops when their parents accidentally took them in wearing “hoodies” (a Class A drug, only available on doctor’s prescription to Olympic boxers and suicide bombers). They would whistle to signal to their daycare friends, who would rush in with the “bluds” from their “crew” and ransack all the sweets in sight. Being under the age of eight, they could not be prosecuted.

“This is a clear sign of the failure of Labour policy,” said Shadow Home Secretary Chris Grayling. “Broken Britain! Of course it’s broken, we’re not in power. The socialist propaganda inherent in CBeebies broadcasts such as Teletubbies and In The Night Garden manifests as festering aimlessless in our youth, bubbling up in a surge of criminality and moral decay. And Waybuloo — what in God’s name is that about? Does anyone understand that show? Including the writers? I know good childrens’ TV should look like it was produced on drugs, but that looks like it was made by an acid casualty who’d tried and failed to find Jesus. What on earth.”

“Little Johnny” Pleb is now under maximum security on the HMP Peterhead Naughty Step. “That’s life,” commented Esther Rantzen.

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London gay tourist bureau opening

davidgerard — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 22:33:56 +0000

SEVENTH HEAVEN, London WC2, Saturday (NNN) — The first London tourist office specifically for LGBT (which stands for “Young, White, Gay, Male and Middle-Class”) tourist needs will be opening later this year.

The idea is the brainchild of a gay bar owner, who plans to run it out of the ground floor of the bar in question. “All people of all sexual orientations, cultures and diversity should be able to come to London and know where to go to feel fully free to be their young, white, gay, male and middle-class selves. We take diversity seriously in the gay scene. And, er, B, L, T. We do serve sandwiches. Yep.”

The service will provide young white middle-class gay men of all colours, ages, gender identities and backgrounds with the important nuances of local information: which bar in Soho playing deafening techno has selfish, two-timing prick tease bastards, which bar in Soho playing deafening techno has miserable, bitchy queens and which bar in Soho playing deafening techno will leave you feeling generally depressed, fucked over and ripped off. It hopes to expand to bars in Vauxhall playing deafening techno by early next year.

“We will of course take the ‘L,’ ‘T’ and ‘B’ seriously. Lesbians are welcome in the bars as long as they don’t try to get in on Fridays or Saturdays, and those trannies are welcome provided they have the proper paperwork certifying their claimed gender. We’d happily cater for bisexuals if they existed and weren’t just fooling themselves.”

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Plastic surgeons warn against not giving them money

davidgerard — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 19:33:15 +0000

PAGE 3, Channel 5, Sunday (NNN) — The British Association of Aesthetic and Plastic Surgeons (BOOBIES) has put out a concerned press release claiming to be about competition from overseas surgeons in an attempt to market man-boob reductions.

“Unethical clinics in other countries continue to offer obscenely superfluous surgery cheaper than we do in Britain,” said the press release, “and it remains legal for people to give them money instead of us. This is unacceptable to patient, and particularly surgeon, welfare. Also, did you know that your unsightly and disgusting man-boobs can be discreetly removed surgically?”

Shocking results include:

100% of clinics surveyed did not offer refunds via BUPA.
100% of overseas clinics failed to be based in Britain.
100% of overseas clinic surgeons did not also consult for the NHS.
BOOBIES members can do you a great deal on man-boob reduction.
Over 90% charged more than British surgeons did for equally superfluous surgery. Did we mention that bit?

“In addition,” said the press release, “we’re doing better business in man-boob reduction surgery. It is vitally necessary to patient, and, as we mentioned, surgeon, welfare to issue a piece of press release journalism advertising the availability of authentic British man-boob reductions.”

BOOBIES stressed that they offered the finest value in man-boob reductions and hardly any of them would accidentally install DD silicone inserts instead. “But if we did, it would certainly get the chicks. Probably.”

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Dan Brown cries self to sleep on huge bed made of money

davidgerard — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 18:29:06 +0000

PRIORY OF SION, All The Way To The Bank, Friday (NNN) — International best-seling author Dan Brown is in tears over the critical reception to his latest book, The Last Symbol.

“Renowned author Dan Vinci staggered through the pile of reviews,” said Mr Brown, snapping his fingers to signal one of his several oiled and naked houseboys to refill his cognac, “smelt burning flesh, and knew it was his own. As he advanced, his dark eyes seemed to scorch the earth before him, radiating a fiery clarity that forecast his reputation for unblinking severity in all matters.”

Critics have reviled Brown’s books, famed for their implausible plots, flat characters, bogus exposition and talking down to the reader. And the squillions of copies they sell.

“Vinci was heartbroken,” said Mr Brown. “The critics’ snobbish jealousy was like a splinter in his soul. A line of italics appeared in this conversation.”

The latest book deals with a Freemason conspiracy to control what appears on the review pages of major newspapers. A heroic author, Dan Vinci, attempts to break through the conspiracy through sheer force, detailed italic exposition and a battering ram made of pulp.

“It was so hard to cope with the hatred,” said Mr Brown, sobbing into his Dom Perignon and staining his bank statement with tears. “Didn’t the critics know how bad things could be? People could have been reading Jeffrey Archer.”

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Women unable to keep a secret, particularly when pissed

davidgerard — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 23:35:39 +0000

WELL I NEVER, See I Told You, Friday (NNN) — Low-level shitkickers at a crappy public relations agency knowingly and with malice aforethought abusing the title “researcher” have found, on the spec sheet listing the official desired outcome for their “research,” that women — all women — are overcome by a burning desire to share gossip as soon as they hear it, particularly when plastered on the fine Chilean plonk being promoted by the agency’s client.

They will spill the beans to at least one other person within (precisely) 47 hours and 15 minutes, typically in between declaring the recipient their best mate ever and emphasising how they really should keep in touch better.

The study of 3,000 women aged between 18 and 65, some of whom were not fictional, shocked and appalled public relations staff and free newspaper journalists by openly naming the client who had paid for the puff-piece to be inserted into the paper, accompanied by a stock photo of one woman saying something into another woman’s ear while both were wearing low-cut cocktail dresses and leaning slightly forward to emphasise eye-catching cleavage.

Michael Cox, seller of a cheap petrol-flavoured substance apparently intended for near-human consumption which occasionally comes with a plastic cork instead of a screw-top, said: “It’s official — disgusting drunken slatternly trollops can’t keep secrets, as any reader of [INSERT NEWSPAPER NAME HERE] would realise about the subhuman distaff species after their daily commuter-time scientific revelation concerning female inferiority.

“We were really keen to find out with this survey how many secrets people are told, particularly after a refreshing glass or six of our unsurpassed products. No matter how precious the information, it’s often out in the public domain within 48 hours. Thankfully they’re usually too pissed to remember it the next morning when they’re cleaning their own puke out of their knickers. Filthy fucking whores, the lot of them.”

Men were adjudged vastly more able to keep a secret than women, mostly by virtue of not knowing what constituted one and not caring.

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Millions made redundant as Facebook automated

davidgerard — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 17:39:19 +0000

MONDAY MORNING, In A Human Face Forever, Monday (NNGadget) — Millions of British workers are to be made redundant as companies install robotic Facebook readers, with F5-clicking robot arms, in the workplace to save human time interacting with social networks.

“Computers are in the workplace to improve our economic efficiency,” said killjoy researcher Chris MacKenzie. “We thought companies would really go for something that would give an actual reason to lay off complete wastes of space without all that tedious waiting for them to post their tits or publicly slag off their boss.”

Additional functionality includes posting to Twitter through that page someone made that looks like a spreadsheet and looking up the anatomy photos on Wikipedia so IT won’t flag it trying to go to porn sites at work.

“The next model is showing great promise — it talks about football and last night’s telly in the breakroom with the other computers, automatically drinks tea and never tells Facilties about the tea bags running out, and nips off to the bogs for a sly tug over porn on its iPhone when things are quiet. And do you think you’ll get a drop of work out of it on Friday afternoon after it’s been down the pub drowning its peripherals with the other ’bots? I don’t bloody think so.”

The only barrier to adoption may be the threat of redundancy for large swathes of senior management should the software be adapted to 19″ Sony Vaio laptops. However, many workers who actually work at work were clamouring for a version that would automatically translate scientific papers from English to Faeces-Flinging Monkey and back and find funny videos on YouTube, thus enabling it to both write and read Metro and London Lite and saving everyone else the trouble.

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Biotech stocks plummet in wake of public health policies that favor humans

davidgerard — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 22:53:28 +0000

OVER 60 MILLION GOT SERVED, Just Over The Border, Wednesday (NNN) — Biotechnology companies banking on a severe swine flu pandemic were shocked this week when US health officials approved four H1N1 vaccines, triggering a selloff in the sector.

“This is outrageous fiscal irresponsibility from the Democrat Party,” said analyst Brian Adams. “A lot of these companies have basically been trading on pandemic concerns. How can the United States possibly lead in the biotech revolution without serious damage from the pandemic? They’re destroying business value!”

The World Health Organization said it could infect as many as one-third of the world’s population, or 2 billion people. “Most of these are in the Third World, of course. If they got all their drugs cheap — or, God forbid, free — that would cut our gross takings by as much as five percent. Just what the hell do they think they’re doing in there? We’ve spent quite enough time and money on onerous intellectual monopoly laws. That money is our right as creative individuals, as the true creators of objective value!”

Businesses in the US will give the swine flu vaccine to their workers, on an “as needed” basis — those being the ones whose insurance they are paying for. “At least the illegals won’t get health care, so they’ll still be a good breeding ground for new and profitable bugs. Thank God.”

Adams said there was still a chance that H1N1 would mutate, rendering vaccines less effective. “Failing that, we’ll just have to see what we can do to push it along. You didn’t write that down? Good, good.”

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Yet another amazing Bush Whitehouse tell-all released

davidgerard — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 23:38:27 +0000

COLORING SECTION, Bush Presidential Library, Monday (NNN) — President George W. Bush’s former speechwriter Matt Latimer reveals all in a new book, Speech-Less: Tales of a White House Apologist, about what George W. Bush was really like in power.

“His perception and ability were truly amazing,” said Latimer. “He got so much stuff so right:”

Sarah Palin, August 2008: “She’s not remotely prepared. I bet you she’ll mess up the VP debate, scare people stupid, lose us the election and then spring a weird and embarrassing surprise resignation on us six months later.”
Hilary Clinton, January 2008: “She won’t get the nomination. That Obama guy from Chicago will. But he’ll give her and Bill good jobs to make up for it if he gets in.”
Hank Paulson, May 2006: “You sure we should have him in Treasury? He’s good, but if there’s a real crisis he’ll help his Goldman Sachs buds along and I bet he can’t wait to screw Lehman Brothers over.”
Kanye West, February 2004, playing his advance copy of The College Dropout: “I’m really happy for him, I’ll let him finish, but Melle Mel was one of the best rappers of all time. One of the best rappers of all time!”
Osama bin Laden, August 2001: “Hey, the bin Ladens are old family friends. But that Osama. Man, I was never sure about him. Weird guy. We should keep an eye on him.”

The Bush administration was famously fixated on loyalty and message control, and past tell-alls have been severely critical of Mr Bush and his team. “But I haven’t got a bad word to say,” said Mr Latimer. “Not one. And it’s absolutely not the case that Karl Rove called at three in the morning to discuss my entire family and where they live, and it certainly isn’t true that Dick Cheney called at four in the morning offering to take me hunting with him. Absolutely not.”

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Microsoft Bob Hope gains “visual search” feature

davidgerard — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 20:47:36 +0000

WHAT’S ON THE SLAB, Steampunk Seattle, Monday (NNGadget) — Microsoft is improving its stratospherically successful “decision engine,” Bob Hope, with a feature that allows you to “visual search” on “web” “sites.”

“This is what happens at the cutting edge of research, y’know,” said marketing marketer Yusuf Mehdi at the Tech Crunch 50 conference yesterday. “You can use Microsoft Search™ to ’search’ for any page on the Information Superhighway! And it’s really quite amazing what’s out there. Man. That’s actually our slogan — ‘Microsoft Search™: It’s Really Quite Amazing What’s Out There. Man.’”

The “search” feature is part of technology acquired in the deal with Yahoo! “We bought this fantastic thing they were working on. It’s a directory of links to web pages. People put stuff into classifications. You can ‘crowd-source’ it, you know! You visualise what you’re looking for, type it in words and this stuff shows up. Amazing! I don’t know how anyone never thought of it before. We have about fifty precomputed ’searches’ in there at the moment, with more to come. Windows 7! The ‘wow’ starts now! You know, sometimes I wonder how people even managed to use computers before Windows 7.”

Search™ requires installing Microsoft Silverlight, .NET 3.5, the latest service packs and Windows Genuine Advantage. Office 2007 is also recommended. It runs best in Internet Explorer 8 on a Windows 7 computer. “We don’t see how Goog— that other company can possibly compete. Theirs doesn’t use anything extra. How the hell are you supposed to get people hooked like that? They just don’t have a business model.”

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Alan Turing apologises for Gordon Brown

davidgerard — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 23:47:46 +0000

BLETCHEROUS PARK, Milton Springsteen, Sunday (NNGadget) — Today, on Programmer’s Day — September 13th, the two hundred and fifty-sixth day of the year — it is time for deep reflection on who we are and how we reached the current state of things.

After breaking the German Enigma Machine codes during the second World War and inventing computer science as we know it, I started work on my next and greatest project: to build the ultimate politician. We would put together a force of bright and shining intellects, prominent academics of brilliance and perspicacity, but adept in the rough and tumble of practical day-to-day politics. A simulated “Max Headroom” smiling face as the frontman, and only a small amount of unearthly, unspeakable eldritch horror as the directing node behind the cluster.

It’s hard to say what I was thinking at the time. A thriving, computer-mediated economy, where machines would do the hard work and hard thinking for the benefit of all humanity. The prospect of a chancellor-bot singing “Daisy, daisy” as I removed his competence boards one by one to turn him into a Prime Minister. The sheer epic spectacle of huge mecha-politicians fighting it out with laser cannons over the smoking ruins of London. At least we got that one.

So on behalf of British technologists, and to all those who live under the CCTV’s watchful eye thanks to my work, I am now free to say: I am so very, very sorry. You deserved so much better.

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Jordan drunk-texts her old shag

davidgerard — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 16:40:08 +0000

OOMPA LOOMPA VILLAGE, Silicone Valley, Friday (N! News) — Katie Price has reportedly sent Peter Andre late-night texts claiming that she is still in love with the publicity she got with him, telling him the magazine covers were her “farytaele” in one message and that “I <3 ur pblicty & wnt 1 mr chnce” in another. A third message referred to the custody battles over the pair’s paparazzi.

She sent the messages two weeks before the pair’s quickie divorce, as covered in all papers on Tuesday. The Sun ran a cover shot of Ms Price in her finest orange, the Daily Star ran an old topless shot, George Monbiot in the Guardian praised the ecological soundness of her idea-recycling (though Hadley Freeman fatuously compared her and Andre to people with actual talent) and the Economist reported on the value of ghostwritten novels, autobiographies and autobiographical novels as mass-produced commodities, with its Intelligent Life supplement detailing the advances in computerised text generation.

The news is sure to devastate Ms Price’s cagefighter side of beef Alex Reid. “There is no way she would be sending those kind of messages with Alex in the room with her,” said an unnamed source at her public relations agency, “and I doubt he’ll be pleased. Until she explains to him in grunted monosyllables and a few pokes of the cattle prod the whys and wherefores of getting on front covers.”

Meanwhile, the now-uncovered news areas of politics, health care, world news and financial news have been swooped upon by the gossip magazines. The cover of Closer features the bags under Gordon Brown’s eyes over time, while Heat features the lesbian Icelandic prime minister’s old bikini shots. Both magazines said they were continuing to turn down paparazzi shots of Tony Blair, no matter how many he sent in.

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CRB checks expanded to entire UK population

davidgerard — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 22:30:20 +0000

WHITEHOUSE, Whitehall, Friday (NNN) — The Government has announced that Criminal Records Bureau checking will be extended to every resident of the UK, for the urgent protection of the children and the relief of the national budget deficit.

“Statistically, the overwhelming majority of harm visited upon children is because of a relative,” said Ed Balls, Minister for Thinking of the Children. “But admitting that’s not electorally viable, so we have to blame unnamed predators. Preferably brown ones.”

The latest stage of NonceCheck™ will lead to 11 million people needing a certification that they have not, for example, been booked by a policeman for urinating in public or being gay or something. Giving children lifts to sport will also require certification.

“If the vetting and barring scheme stops just one child ending up a victim of a paedophile, then it will be worth it,” said Mr Balls. “Every council worker in the country being able to look up every detail of your life at their convenience and a general atmosphere of paranoia are just bonuses.”

The scheme will be extended into other areas. Obtaining a bank account will first require paying £64 to the CRB to prove that you are not and have not in the past been a bank robber, with only three to six months’ delay. Going to the supermarket will require a CRB certification that you do not inflict perversions upon vegetables. Buying a computer will require a CRB certification that you have never even heard of 4chan.

Further planned innovations include requiring a CRB check for breeding, with uncertified children to be put into care, and sex to be deemed consensual only upon the filing of a CRB check before each act of intercourse.

“We fully subscribe to the doctrine of ‘innocent until proven guilty,’” said Mr Balls. “We’ve just made it mandatory for you to buy certification of your innocence in advance.”

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Apple saves world from Commodore 64 nuclear attack

davidgerard — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 22:58:42 +0000

DRAGON’S DEN, Cheyenne Mountain, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Despite months of negotiations to get a Commodore 64 emulator approved for the iPhone, Apple has pulled the application after just two days after a hack was found that enables the BASIC interpreter.

“Anything capable of allowing programming — any programming — could be a security risk to the iPhone and its users,” said Apple in a statement to the Library of Congress on copyright. “As such, it is absolutely vital for the safety of the nation that we vet every single application and collect 30% on each one.”

Apple software reviewers, who are generally moonlighting from day jobs as TSA airport security policy writers, fear a wave of 1980s-style “hackers” using the iPhone to “dial” into NASA or National Security Agency computers using the accompanying 300-Baud Acoustic-Coupled Modem application. “We had our suspicions when the app lit the user’s face from below in just the right shade of green to show off their cheekbones really photogenically.”

Reviewers were particularly concerned that the BASIC interpreter was originally written by Microsoft. “Of course, their security is famously terrible,” said one reviewer in a break from torturing kittens. “We’d probably get a Commodore 64 virus. And their sense of aesthetics! No way Steve would ever let that through.”

A similar Commodore 64 emulator that gives ten cents to AT&T every time a user runs a game has passed approval in two days.

“A strange phone,” said NSA correspondent “WOPR.” “The only winning move is not to buy.”

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Republican in “heterosexual” sex scandal

davidgerard — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 21:01:24 +0000

OLD GLORY HOLE, The Castro, Wednesday (NNN) — Michael Duvall, California Republican state assemblyman representing Orange County, has resigned his seat after being caught vividly describing lewd details about his trysts with a female lobbyist.

Duvall has insisted he is “not sexual” and that the female lobbyist he spoke of is “really a guy”. “I made up all of these stories! I have two children, so I’ve had sex, uh, that’d be twice. Republicans get married and we only think about money from then on. I swear.”

Many Republican groups are outraged. “If you’re going to break God’s covenant, do it good and hard,” said the Rev Ted Haggard. “None of this pussy-footing around. Geddit? See what I did there?”

Others were less concerned. “These people are implying that fucking a lobbyist with business in front of your committee looks like some sort of ‘corruption,’” said Mark Sanford. “Honi soit, dude. Honi soit.”

Gay groups welcomed the news, having long begged conservative politicians, ministers and commentators to, for the love of God, stop being gay. “Bathroom gropers,” said spokesfag Elle Lucius, “glory hole cocksuckers with herpes sores around their concealed mouths, shadowy men in tight Levis doing unspeakable things in piss-stinking alleys and on massage tables that light up like Christmas under blacklight … these things are all very well in their place. But those suits! That polyester! Dear God, can’t they afford better tailoring? Don’t these people have suburbs to go to?”

The Democratic gay contingent, the Log Cabin Democrats, have long had trouble pushing their point of view in their own party, with their strange and antisocial predilections for decades-long committed relationships rather than the furtive liaisons in airport bathrooms favored by the GOP.

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Obama speech fills ears of mere children with vile propaganda

davidgerard — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 21:58:10 +0000

THE MANCUNIAN CANDIDATE, Kenyawaii, Tuesday (NNN) — Republican fears over Barack Obama’s back-to-school speech to students have not been quelled by the release of the text.

Mr Obama tells students to work hard, set goals, take responsibility for their own future, be self-reliant and diligently pursue the fruits of capitalism and free enterprise. “To hear this coming from a Democrat is obvious Communism,” said Glenn Beck on Fox News. “Obama is literally Stalin.”

“The speech was reasoned, sensible and apolitical,” said Oklahoma State Senator Steve Russell. “This is just an attempt to propagandise Obama as sane and normal, not as the slavering destroyer of humanity we know he is. They might see what he actually looks and talks like, not just what Fox says about him! You’d think we were in socialist North Kenya.”

Others have protested that Mr Obama’s advice to students to stay in school will only increase the possibility of exposure to liberal propaganda. In Minnesota, the state’s Association of School Administrators recommended against showing the president’s speech. “He didn’t scream abuse off-camera, swear unholy vengeance against his opponents or burst into tears once! What happens if students see a politician being calm and low-key talking about the future? They’ll think that’s how you talk about political matters! They’ll think there’s reasonable discussion with the enemy, grey areas, moral relativism. It’s just a short step from there to death panels voting on Kenyan gay marriages.”

“He credited the XBox and iPhone,” said Sarah Palin. “This is a clear attempt to further the Marxist agenda of Democrat Party liberals who’ve used evilution to grow thumbs.”

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Placebos more effective than most new drugs

davidgerard — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 19:49:00 +0000

CRYSTAL CAULDRON, Goldacre, Monday (NotScientist) — The pharmaceutical industry is reeling from the news that more and more new drugs do no better than a placebo. Despite historic levels of industry investment in research and development, the FDA approved only 19 new drugs in 2007 and 24 in 2008.

The placebo effect has been little-understood. Trials in different countries and cultures can show different results. Ratings by trial observers can vary significantly from one test site to another. Advertising has conditioned people into thinking a little branded pill will make them all better.

“This throws R&D spending into significant doubt,” said Cylon Number Six of GlaxoSmithPfizerMonsanto. “It’s clear that marketing has always been the way to go, and that spending four times as much on marketing as research was the best thing we could possibly have done for humanity.”

Researchers are now going full steam to discover new forms of nothingness to apply to new diseases. Explorers have been sent into the Amazonian rainforest to find new plant species to dilute to the point of no molecules of the original being present. Traditionally ineffective tribal remedies from around the world have been patented in Western countries. “If ‘4′33″’ can be copyrighted, we can patent the placebo gene!” The treatments will be publicised in the new Elsevier journal, The Australasian Journal of Nothing Whatsoever.

Homeopaths are up in arms at the pharmaceutical industry “muscling in on our territory,” said Ravenwoo Granola of the Specialist Homeopathic Institute of Technology. “We developed the finest, most refined and provably harmless snake oil in existence! There’s nothing homeopathy can’t cure! Er, there’s nothing that isn’t brought to us for consideration and helping the patient trigger the placebo effect themselves. A snip at £5.99 a bottle and fifty quid a consultation! And we absolutely proved it harmless! We did double-blind tests against placebo … Bugger.”

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Microsoft arranges spontaneous house parties for Windows 7 launch

davidgerard — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 20:48:18 +0000

LAKE WASHINGTON BLVD. E., Seattle, Friday (NNGadget) — In preparation for the stupendous launch of Microsoft Windows %NEXT_VERSION% in October, Microsoft is organising a detailed word-of-mouth push.

“Astroturfing word of mouth is routine, don’t worry,” said Cylon Number Six from Waggener Edstrom. “We’ve been careful to get all our partners and MVPs on the case. Here’s the invitation:”

Dear INSERT NAME HERE,

Come to our supar l33t party! It’ll have “balloons” and “games” and “family friendly” fun and really easy setting up, nudge nudge, wink wink! Plug and play, my friend. Plug and play. Don’t forget your … anti-virus. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.

The hosts of the best Windows 7 House Parties will win a free copy of Windows 7 Ultimate Signature Edition. The runners-up will get a leftover copy of Vista.

The Windows 7 drinking game will include:

One shot for every “ethnic” face in an install graphic.
An extra shot if it’s pasted over the head of a white person.
One shot for every white face pasted over the head of a non-white person.
One shot for every program with the Office 2007 “ribbon” toolbar stuck on it completely inappropriately.
One shot for every exciting “new” feature that’s been in Mac OS and Linux for the past five years.
An extra shot if the exciting “new” feature’s been in Mac OS and Linux for the past ten years.
One shot every time you reboot during the install.
One shot every time the system asks to reboot just because it feels like it.
Two shots every time it reboots even though you said “no.”
Drain the bottle if there’s an actual feature that makes Windows 7 so much better than sticking with XP that you’ll spend actual money to get it.
A bitter mouthful every time the system blue-screens.

“There’s a party in your ass,” said Number Six, “and we’re going to … I’m sorry, I picked up the wrong cue sheet. The Wow™ starts NOW! Hold on … Windows 7! It sucks less! Honest! Yeah, that’s the one.”

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OS deathmatch: Snow Leopard vs Windows 7

davidgerard — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 21:44:23 +0000

I’M A BLIGHT ON HUMANITY, Get Me Out Of Here, Saturday (NNGadget) — It’s August, the best of times when you’re a space-filler generator in IT journalism, as every other media outlet turns into a gaping void at least as bad as ourselves. This leads to the inevitable debate: which is the best operating system, Windows 7 or Snow Leopard?

Operating system name: Windows 7 gets lots of page hits and comments from individual Microsoft fans who, it’s true, just happen to be employed by Microsoft’s PR company, but are completely independent in their thinking. Snow Leopard attracts Apple cultists, freshly charged from reading a novel-length apologia at RoughlyDrafted and all set to refute perceived calumnies and smite the unbeliever. Either is great for the ad banner exposure. Tie.

Upgrading: Windows 7 has an insanely complicated upgrade graph, whereas Snow Leopard’s is: “put the disk in the computer.” The former is way better for extended articles on how it’s even easier to do a complicated Windows upgrade process by hand than it was going from XP to Vista and saves us lots of work thinking of things to write. Apple just fail to provide us material. Advantage: Windows 7.

Presentation: Windows 7 has the thoroughly reworked taskbar and the beautiful fonts and polish of Vista. Mac OS X has minor variations on the same interface it’s had for eight years. Windows 7 looks just way more exciting in screenshots in tech press articles. Advantage: Windows 7.

Improvements: Microsoft made Windows 7 as backwards-compatible with Vista as possible, down to application performance and memory usage. They did dazzling things with the presentation of all this functionality, putting everything you use every day into exciting new places, with helpful new names. Apple, on the other hand, focused largely on internal plumbing and security. It’s just dull, boys. How are we supposed to puff this up? C’mon, meet us half way here. Advantage: Windows 7.

Price: The Windows 7 Home Premium upgrade is $120 on Amazon, whereas Snow Leopard is $29. Apple just aren’t putting enough value on their products. Do you want people thinking it’s just cheap garbage? Advantage: Windows 7.

Enterprise readiness: No-one ever got fired for buying Microsoft. If you get a Mac, however, your co-workers will conspire against you and probably steal it. With Windows 7, you can be sure no-one else will ever want to touch your computer. Advantage: Windows 7.

System configuration: Microsoft gave me this laptop with only eight CPU cores and 16 gigabytes of memory to show just how good Windows 7 was on such low-end hardware. We had to buy a Mac to do this test on, because Apple just didn’t understand the promotional advantages of giving me a shiny new 17″ MacBook just because I wanted one. So I got a second-hand Mac Mini for a fair comparison. It’s clear that Microsoft understand the needs of modern information technology journalism perfectly. They also sent over their PR people Candy, Brandi and Bimbi to help me with my Windows setup all last night. Apple just completely don’t get it. Advantage: Windows 7.

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Designers prefer websites designed by designers

davidgerard — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 18:08:37 +0000

PAGE 3, Channel 5, August (NNN) — Men prefer websites designed by men, women prefer those designed by women and designers prefer those designed by designers, according to a new study by Gloria Moss, a lecturer in Press-Release Science at Bucks New University.

“It’s August, so the differences spring from our … caveman ancestors!” said Professor Moss. Men’s eyes are slightly further apart than women’s, giving them better stereoscopic vision for ogling large breasts. Men prefer to design and use websites with straight lines, unfussy detail, regular typography and tits. “Digs in Lascaux in the south of France show the original version of nuts.co.uk, which was painted on the walls of the cave.”

Women prefer websites about cooking, cleaning, housework, submissive workplace behaviour and gossip, particularly the sort in free newspapers you glance at on the train. Pink flowery decorations are also favoured. Also, they need to show more cleavage in the workplace and waggle it around at after-work drinks to get ahead in their careers.

Designers write blog rants about typefaces and kerning, under the delusion that anyone gives a shit. “Everyone else uses Comic Sans specifically to piss them off. Wind ’em up and watch ’em go!” They also spend inordinate amounts of time trying to put in penis logos to amuse their mates on b3ta.

Professor Moss’s research is to be published in the Journal of Metro in September. “Free newspapers count as publication credits these days. Had you even heard of Bucks New University before this article? Me neither.”

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Google repels Microsoft attack on London offices

davidgerard — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 22:53:19 +0000

VICTORIA, Steampunk Britain, Thursday (NNN) — A “wall of steel” Microsoft rocket attack on Google’s London office yesterday caused a small fire from a ruptured gas cylinder, a reminder of the browser and search engine wars and Microsoft’s overwhelming might.

The six-story-tall Microsoft mecha, approaching from the direction of Victoria Station, unleashed an all-out barrage, belching amusing farts of smoke from its Zune HD assault flamethrowers, before halting with an E74 error and collapsing onto the top of the building, where Google employees were enjoying their regular Thursday afternoon barbecue roasting a Snow Leopard on a spit.

Four fire engines and twenty firefighters in hazmat suits were sent out after reports of Vista fumes in the area.

The attack came a day after a Microsoft suicide car bomber killed seven cockroaches and gave himself a papercut when his car computer bluescreened. Microsoft disclaimed responsibility, asserting it was a completely independent suicide commando who only coincidentally happened to be in the pay of their PR agency.

The BBC has reported Microsoft’s complete victory in the battle, with extensive Zune downloads in Silverlight format of the victorious Seattle Revolutionary Army in action.

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Row as Daniel Hannan praises Hitler

davidgerard — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 23:06:39 +0000

THE MEMORY HOLE, Wolverhampton South West, Thursday (NNN) — Labour has criticised Tory MEP Daniel Hannan for citing Adolf Hitler in an interview.

Mr Hannan told Randroid magazine that the 1930s German chancellor understood “the importance of a really good motorway.” He later told the BBC he was a “libertarian” on immigration, but was fully on-side with Mr Hitler over the right grade of asphalt and suitably wide turning circles at interchanges. “His expertise in these matters really isn’t appreciated these days.”

The MEP caused controversy two weeks ago when he gave a stirring speech on US television saying that the NHS would lead to “rivers of blood” — prompting Tory leader David Cameron to ask the media to “pay no attention to the silly, silly man behind the curtain” and gently remind Mr Hannan that getting elected next year would be quite nice, thanks.

Mr Hannan also became a hit on the video sharing site YouTube, with a three minute speech in the European Parliament attacking Gordon Brown, that was set to a clip from the movie Downfall and had “Dragostea Din Tei” as backing music.

The Conservatives said Mr Hannan would not be disciplined because his praise for Mr Hitler had not referred to the late politician’s stance on immigration. “He does have some quite eccentric views about some things,” said Mr Cameron. “Ha! Ha! There’s a reason we sent him off to Europe, where he couldn’t do much harm. Daniel, do feel free not to comment in public on anything whatsoever until next June, there’s a good chap.”

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BBC outsources tech news to Microsoft

davidgerard — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 22:50:52 +0000

NO MICROSOFT WAY, WebTV Centre,Wednesday (MSBBC) — Microsoft has unveiled new technology that will allow the BBC to completely outsource its technology news section to Microsoft.

This cements an informal relationship that has been in place since BBC News slimmed down surplus staff such as subeditors, proofreaders or most of the journalists. “Tech news is a brutally competitive area,” said Ashley Highfield of Microsoft, formerly of the BBC. “It’s a race against time to be first with the rewrite of the press release. I must point out, by the way, that my current job is in no way related to the Microsoft-based technology I put in place when I worked for the BBC.”

The new technology will automatically pull in Microsoft press releases, add grammatical errors, talk down to the reader, substitute technical terms with inaccurate synonyms and then misspell them and put them in quotation marks. Articles will be padded with analyst quotes computer-generated by an expert system describing how Google will destroy rainforests and Apple phones cost too much.

Recent output includes articles on Microsoft’s Zune, Microsoft’s collaboration with Nokia, Microsoft Internet Explorer, Microsoft’s copy of the Nintendo Wii controller, Microsoft suing Windows pirates in China, long articles on Bill Gates’ charitable foundation and medical evidence that Google causes cancer.

The system is guaranteed robust. “In fact, we’re running it on a refurbished Xbox,” said Highfield. “Absolutely nothing can go wr E74 ◉ ◉ ◉

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Murdoch’s London freesheet closes

davidgerard — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 21:39:54 +0000

PAGE 3, Channel 5, Friday (Mediocre Grauniad) — The collapse of Murdoch evening freesheet The London Paper has thrown the vapid fishwrap industry into turmoil.

News Group Newspapers had already been reeling under the impact of even a 20p Sun only being bought by people too thick even for Metro. “Celebrities!” said London Paper editor Stefano Hatfield. “Train strikes! Viagra ice cream at Selfridges! Half-naked black women as well as white ones! Science from the University of That’s A Bit Bloody Convenient! Politely-phrased middle-class suburban fascism, none of your unsubtle Daily Mail-isms! Not even the Em cartoon was enough! What did we miss?”

The paper will be much-missed by the Lumber Cartel and the binmen division of Unite. The London Paper single-handedly made up a quarter of all the rubbish in the streets of Westminster and low-cost housing was under construction using remaindered copies of City Boy.

The London Paper could move behind the News Group paywall. “It works for the Wall Street Journal! There’s got to be a fantastic market for bad fashion, annoying non-celebrities, tedious City non-gossip, gay dating non-tips and indisputable scientific proof from cosmic ray measurements that women need to drink like fish and bathe in semen to grow and uplift their breasts and succeed in business. ‘Down-load’ it to your iTouch Kindle 360 today!”

“You’ll never go broke underestimating public taste,” said Rupert Murdoch, fresh from the triumpant news that MySpace had lost $500 million in value since he bought it. “Well, usually.”

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Apple ___ set to revolutionise consumer electronics

davidgerard — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 17:35:56 +0000

ONE INFINITE LOOP, Here We Go Again, Sunday (NNGadget) — Apple is reportedly close to launching its long-rumored ____. It could be Apple’s latest billion-dollar jackpot.

Analyst speculation says the ___ will be launched in September and be in the shops by Christmas. A new mention of the ___ crops up on Twitter around every eight minutes.

The ___ is rumoured to be any size and scale between the iPod Shuffle and the Macintosh IIfx. Some have described the ___ as a “___-killer.” Analyst speculation suggests the ___ will use a fantastic new interface. “It will be a whole new paradigm,” said Apple blogger Leander Kahney.

Expectations flared when technology research analysts noted that Taiwanese suppliers had received orders from an unknown buyer for a particular obscure component to be filled by the end of the year. “The only possible conclusion is that Apple will launch a ___ by early next year,” said Kahney. “They’ve been working on the ___ for the past six years. People expect it to be the ultimate Apple surprise. This thing will knock people’s socks off.”

Apple has refused to comment on the ___ speculation. But Tim Cook, its chief operating officer, recently hinted that the company was working on something “very innovative.” Steve Jobs is thought to have been personally involved in the development of the ___ over the past two years.

Daniel Eran Dilger noted on roughlydrafted.com that the ___ would need to be fueled on pain, angst, the destruction of the ecology, the torture of kittens and the tears of widows and orphans, but put together a devastatingly convincing and very lengthy explanation as to why Apple’s actions were the only humanly acceptable option for the consumer, the technology industry and the future of humanity, and that Jobs’ Nobel Peace Prize was ridiculously overdue. And that all problems were clearly Microsoft’s fault.

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Lockerbie bomber freed for reasons other than business dealings

davidgerard — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 23:12:28 +0000

THE BLACK HOLE OF LOCKERBIE, The Great Game, Saturday (NNN) — FBI Director Robert Mueller harshly criticized the release of Abdelbeset Ali Mohmed al Megrahi, convicted of the Lockerbie bombing, as “a mockery of the rule of law” and “detrimental to the cause of justice engineering.”

Al Megrahi had been serving a life sentence for the 1988 bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland. After many years of appeals over blatantly tampered evidence, in which the British government tried to keep relevant documents secret from the defendant and his lawyers on national security grounds until the judge threatened to throw the conviction out, Al Megrahi was finally released due to terminal prostate cancer and having three months to live.

Al Megrahi was told he could either go home to Libya or stay and die clearing his name. The government declined an option to free al Megrahi and allow him to live in Scotland after senior police officers cited the severe security implications of him opening his mouth where people might listen.

“Obviously, the sight of a mass murderer getting a hero’s welcome in Tripoli is deeply upsetting, deeply distressing,” David Miliband told BBC radio Friday morning. “Since of course he did it, as shown by none of his appeals getting through.”

The Libyan government had accepted that paying $2.7 billion and taking the rap for the bombing was a business requirement of selling oil to the West. But Thursday, after al Megrahi’s return, the Libyan official news agency JANA issued a statement from the government saying that al Megrahi had been “a political hostage,” showing that Gadaffi was obviously a terrorist nutter and a bad loser to boot.

Peter Mandelson pooh-poohed the notion that the release was in any way to sweeten upcoming oil deals. “The idea that the British government and the Libyans would sit down and somehow barter about the freedom of this Libyan prisoner to form some sort of business deal … it’s not only wrong, it’s completely implausible. Furthermore, any such deals in the very near future will be merest coincidence.”

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Instant-message psychotherapy helps health care budgets

davidgerard — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 20:41:10 +0000

RACTER, Eliza Alice, Friday (MX Doctor) — Online talking treatment using instant messaging can help NHS budgets recover from depression, say management researchers.

The study looked at 297 people with anxiety and depression. Half had up to 10 one-hour sessions with an online therapist, LOLbot. The other half were sent to sit in a GP’s waiting room for two hours, made fun of by the receptionist and then sent home again. The study showed that LOLbot was significantly cheaper and made the local NHS trust’s accountant far more cheerful and gave him a greater sense of well-being.

“It’s like being in a chat room with your therapist,” said Dr David Kessler of the University of Bristol.

I can’t talk to people. Even on the phone. Can you help me?
MY NAME IS DR LOLBOT. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
You can help me look at my life and what it’s like … and what I decide to do about it.
HOW YOU CAN HELP I MORE LIKE EVEN DECIDE?
You’re not making sense. Life is futile. I can’t decide what to do. I’m not sure I should go this far.
HAS ANYONE REALLY BEEN FAR EVEN AS DECIDED TO USE EVEN GO WANT TO DO LOOK MORE LIKE?
What?
SORRY, I ACCIDENTALLY THE WHOLE ANSWER. PUT SHOE ON HEAD
This is NOT helping me. Are you actually a doctor?
OH GOD HOW DID THIS GET IN HERE I AM NOT GOOD WITH COMPUTERS
That’s okay, I’m not either. But I can’t face it. I want to end it all.
THAT’S NOT FUNNY. MY BROTHER DIED THAT WAY
I’m sorry. The world is doomed. The universe will burn out … Dr LOLbot, how do we reverse entropy?
I DUNNO LOL
I can’t cope with this any more. I’m going to kill myself now. Goodbye, Dr LOLbot.
IT’S OVER 9000!
…
FAG.

“The study was published by Elsevier and funded by BUPA,” said health patsy Andy Burnham, “so this is top-notch science you can absolutely rely on. Another cigar?”

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A-levels outsourced to monkeys

davidgerard — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 21:23:58 +0000

GORDON OF THE JUNGLE, Watch Out For That Tree, Monday (NNN) — After a report by the Civitas think tank that “A-levels could be done by a monkey these days,” British students have been hiring monkeys to do their homework for them while they engage in healthy outdoor activities and social interaction, usually involving White Lightning and happy slapping.

Popular students used to outsource their homework to the class nerds, but “the monkeys smell better and have better social skills. And don’t tell us to run Linux. They also hurl their poo accurately, not cackhandedly.”

A survey of sixth-form teachers confirmed the change. “The monkeys pay more attention,” said one, “have better handwriting, understand human speech better and don’t play tinny synthetic R&B on their phones in class. They prefer the theme from 2001.”

Online homework outsourcing monkey Anastasia de Waal, who consults at monkeybrains.co.uk, said the problem was overstated. “The money flows from those who can’t do the work to those who can. The students are happy, the monkeys are happy, the exam boards are happy, our takeover of the earth from the inferior human race proceeds to plan, Civitas can just bog off. Look, it’s all in this A-level Economics report I prepared. A snip at twenty-five bananas. Organic fairtrade only, please.”

Newspapers were horrified at the report, saying monkeys wouldn’t look good enough in bikinis for the annual A-level student photos.

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BBFC refuses classification for Japanese horror film “Grotesque”

davidgerard — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 22:07:40 +0000

WHITEHOUSE, Your Happy Place, Wednesday (NNN) — Japanese horror film Grotesque has been refused an 18 certificate by the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) because of its graphic torture scenes.

BBFC director David Cooke said it presented “little more than an unrelenting and escalating scenario of humiliation, brutality and sadism. And no, that’s not a marketing feature.”

The plot is minimal. Two censors are snatched off the street and wake up shackled in a basement. With no explanation, a sadistic Internet degrades, tortures and mutilates them. The film features graphic dismemberment, extreme anal dilation, two girls and one cup. Special effects are apparently by Barbra Streisand.

The refusal of classification means it is illegal to sell or even distribute the film in the UK at all. “This will completely protect the UK from this filth, as people will certainly not ship in a DVD from Japan or get friends in other countries to burn a copy. Nor will they BitTorrent it just because it’s in the news and treasure their download of this odious lump of grot they’d have paid no attention to whatsoever except for us — oh, my promotional fee? Thank you! — and horror fans won’t swap it amongst themselves as if it’s precious. By the way, we’re in discussions with the Internet Watch Foundation about how to keep the BBFC relevant and well-loved in the twenty-first century world of Steampunk Britain.”

The BBFC has drawn criticism for allowing films such as the Danish horror Antichrist and the American “torture porn” films Saw and Passion of the Christ to be distributed in Britain. “But this is, after all, Japanese. I think I speak for all Britons when I say: Dear Japanese people, please — just stop it. Love, British people.”

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Sony unveils less huge PlayStation 3

davidgerard — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 01:15:07 +0000

GAMESCOM, Ichiyaga Camp, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Sony is releasing the new PlayStation 3 Slim across Europe in early September, the company hoping that anyone will remember the PS3 still exists.

The new light-weight version is two-thirds of the size and weight, only requiring a single, much smaller, extra room built onto your house, fitted with 13-amp 405-volt three-phase power. The new, more compact enriched uranium fuel rods are not supplied.

PlayStation chief Kazuo Hirai made the announcement at the GamesCom conference in Cologne, in a move widely seen as an attempt to regain momentum in the battle against rival Microsoft and put off having to ritually disembowel himself with a sword. “Our competition is absolutely the XBox 360. That’s the one to beat! Thank God they didn’t build hardware that worked, we’d have real trouble if they had.”

The PS3 has struggled thanks to its high price and lack of games, not to mention competition from the Nintendo Wii, which, apart from costing half as much, is actually fun. The Sony console did, however, have spectacular launches in Japan and America, with tens of fans queuing through the night to get their hands on the console, particularly with their Sony employee discount. The machines sold at only half the price on eBay soon after.

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Wikipedia reaches 3 million articles, stalls and dies

davidgerard — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 21:59:30 +0000

WIKIALITY, The Tenderloin, Saturday (NNN) — The online encyclopedia, knowledge base, social networking site, essay repository, blog, search engine, news aggregator, dessert wax and floor topping Wikipedia has reached its three millionth article and ceased all editing.

Palo Alto Research Center reported that only 1% of edits by random users were kept. “They were all unspeakable shit,” said burnt-out administrator WikiFiddler451. “All of them. No, I’m not exaggerating. Go to Special:Newpages and read a day’s entries some time. You’ll start by deleting the whole database, before you get onto plotting the doom of humanity. Christ, why go on?”

Recent media coverage has highlighted the “inclusionist/deletionist” wars of 2005, including enquiries from Endemol looking for a “passionate deletionist” to join Big Brother 11, “preferably one with big tits.” It is thought that Wikipedia could have had ten million articles by now had they not viciously abused their editorial powers by deleting your valuable contributions about you, your teacher at school, your garage band or your dog or the many cameraphone pictures you uploaded of your penis.

“Everything’s already been written,” said WikiFiddler451, burning the last of his Star Wars figurines before leaving for his rehabilitation course in social interaction skills and basics of hygiene. “Do you have any idea how big THREE MILLION articles is? A BILLION GODDAMN WORDS! Are you going to read more than a droplet of that in your life? No you aren’t. You’re following your goddamn Twitter.

“But hey, only two million articles are The Simpsons in popular culture or Doctor Who in popular culture. No-one actually reads this stuff, they just write it. We have LiveJournal for stuff people write that no-one wants to read. ‘Oh, I wandered lonely as a cheeseburger/ My passionate angst filling my Coke with darkness.’ Or Knol. KNOL! I’ll just Bing that one.”

Shell-shocked veterans of Wikipedia are at a loss now that it’s all over — wandering the alleyways of the Internet, mumbling to themselves about “ANI” and “we had to delete the village in order to save it,” threatening the policemen moving them on with “arbitration” and bursting into tears when the policeman answers “citation needed.” Mere children, sent into the culture wars to save knowledge from horrors they barely understood, and coming home as crippled wrecks. No victory parades for these brave men and women. There is only so much Citizendium, Uncyclopedia and 4chan can do for these child heroes. With your help, we can build Potemkin wikis for these honorable veterans, where they can safely ban and unban, revert and edit-war, and correct the naming of ~~Danzig~~ ~~Gdansk~~ ~~Danzig~~ Gdansk without the possibility of damage to actual human readers. Please donate so that they may never bug you again.

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Facebook sacking highlights hidden dangers of stupidity

davidgerard — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 15:53:28 +0000

YOUR FRIENDS LIST, DeadJournal, Friday (NNN) — The dangers of stalkers destroying the lives of the extremely stupid on social networking sites,when you should just stay quiet and watch television, was highlighted again this week after a woman called Lindsay was sacked for posting “OMG I HATE MY JOB. My boss is a total pervvy wanker always making me do shit stuff just to piss me off!!” where her boss could read it and fire her by comment.

Office workers get interrupted on the job as often as eleven times per hour, costing as much as $588 billion squillion zillion in paid time lost to “work” each year from valuable peer-to-peer creative cultural participation in the fulfilment of the promise of the computer-mediated throbbing flow of twenty-first century participation in society in such flourishing hotbeds of unlimited human potential as “What femninine hygeine prodcut are yuo?” quizzes on Facebook and photos of bowel movements on Twitter.

Studies have found that workers interrupted by e-mail and telephones scored lower on an IQ test than a test group that had smoked marijuana. Unfortunately, EPA regulations still forbid bong hits at one’s desk, even when trying to fix one’s makefile.

“There are reasonable precautions the non-stupid can take,” said labour lawyer Mary Beth Currie. “A secondary Facebook profile with only workmates as friends and a cardboard cutout as the photo. This is useful when putting the cardboard cutout at one’s desk before going off to the loo to look at porn on your iPhone. Of course, if you’re my minion and don’t add me to your main account, I fire you.”

Lindsay was upset, but unrepentant. “Thank fuck for Facebook. What the hell did people do at work all day before computers?”

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Mandelson fights back Internet pirate hordes

davidgerard — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 21:00:16 +0000

THE INDIFFERENCE ENGINE, Steampunk Britain, Sunday (NNN) — Seven million Britons face having their internet connection cut off and fines of up to £50,000 as Digital Britain is implemented.

Lord Carter, the report’s author, has now left the Government for consultancies unknown. Lord Mandelson, who has taken over responsibility for digital policy, has been persuaded of the need for a tougher approach after entreaties from starving music mogul David Geffen, who was introduced to him by the Rothschild family. “He warned me in 2001 that these ‘MP3 players’ would lead to the downfall of civilisation. I understand iPods were popular in the City just before the Great Recession, you know.”

Internet piracy is estimated by the movie and music industries to cost them around £1.4 million billion squillion a year, ripped untimely from their generous artist-supporting pockets.

Critics have compared the proposals to King Canute, failing to turn back the tide. “So it’s up to the Government to supply the sandbags. We have an industry to defend!”

Ofcom, the broadcasting regulator, will require Internet providers to record users downloading illegal content. The magical copyright detector, which the music industry just knows the ISPs are being obstructive in not enabling immediately, will be used to send a massive voltage up through serious repeat offenders’ Internet connections and into their chairs.

Labour backbencher Tom Watson said the sanctions would attach an “unbearable burden” on an emerging technology with the power to transform society. “Sounds just fine to me,” said Lord Mandelson.

Kerry McCarthy, Labour MP for Bristol East, will be in charge of the party’s Internet campaigning ahead of the general election. “Voters will increasingly be searching the web to find out what we think about the issues. If we haven’t cut them off.”

In other news, membership of the Pirate Party UK, launched earlier in the week, has been increasing at 100 new members per hour.

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Shock as Twitter not entirely “pointless babble”

davidgerard — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 04:08:00 +0000

WEB 1.99 RC 1, Cyberspice, Thursday (NNGadget) — Only 98% of Twitter updates are “pointless babble,” says a new report that studied 2,000 tweets over a period of two weeks.

The top category was “pointless babble” tweets, with nearly 98% of tweets being inanity no sane person could want to read, retweets of inanity, links to inanity, retweets of links to inanity and retweets of retweets of links to links to the reretweet itself. And camera phone pictures of bowel movements on Twitpic.

Almost 2% was Stephen Fry, Neil Gaiman or retweets thereof. Most of the rest was Warren Ellis posting scatological abuse of his fans.

Botnet command messages were becoming more popular, many disguised as combinations of the syllables “lol” “wtf” “d00d” “RT” and “#fb” or scatological abuse of Warren Ellis’s fans.

Twitter’s demographics as of June 2009 were 55% female, 43% ages 18 to 34, 78% white, and 99.5% of such short attention spans that Facebook might as well be War and Peace. Botnet readership was considered likely to rise as soon nothing with organic intelligence would be able to cope.

Twitter recently redesigned its homepage, changing the tag “What are you doing now?” to “Post tomorrow’s CNN headlines, particularly about #goatse.”

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West fights for democracy, justice and marital rape in Afghanistan

davidgerard — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 17:01:55 +0000

REEPERBAHN, Helmand, Friday (NNN) — Afghanistan has passed a law permitting Shia men to deny their wives food if they refuse to obey their husbands’ sexual demands, to the embarrassed silence of the international community and its fighting forces.

Activists say the law contradicts the Afghan constitution and international treaties the country has signed. “But I’m sure we can deal with that in due course,” said Afghan president Hamid Karzai, “particularly once the fundies have gotten the votes in. There’s one of those ‘election’ things you people are so fond of coming up, you know.”

Proposed amendments include having to ask nicely and not slapping a bitch too hard afterwards. Non-marital rapists will be required to pay “blood money” to girls injured during a rape, before the girl is of course stoned to death as an adulterer.

General Sir David Richards noted that British military involvement in the country may last decades. “This is what our boys are dying for. Half a century of legal rape is a small price to pay for truth and justice for all men.”

The US and Britain invaded Afghanistan to deal with the Taliban and “bomb them back to the stone age. But it looks like they’re already there, which saves us some time.”

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Disney to film Diary of Anne Frank

davidgerard — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 22:56:11 +0000

BOULEVARDE OF BROKEN DREAMS, Los Angeles, Wednesday (N! News) — Disney will film a new version of The Diary of Anne Frank, to be written, directed and co-produced by David Mamet.

Mamet will use the famed diary to tell the story of the young Jewish girl who hid with her family from the Nazis in the an attic in Amsterdam. “Love the story, love the themes, love everything about it, baybee, I spent a year getting the rights!” he said. “Don’t wanna change a thing! I’ve got my own original take on the material, of course. I’m going to re-frame the story as a young girl’s rite of passage. You know, from living to dead. Though the ‘dead’ bit is up in the air at this stage.”

Disney execs have granted Mamet complete artistic freedom, with only passing executive suggestions of Jean-Claude Van Damme as the SS officer who steals Frank’s heart and the voice of Jerry Seinfeld as her mouse companion, animated by the Pixar division. An additional scene includes Frank leaping a CGI shark.

“It’s gonna be the greatest thing seen on the Hollywood screen,” said Mamet. “I promise you’ll see every penny of the FX spend right there in fronna ya. When Dr Manhattan destroys Berlin … no, I don’t wanna give anything away on the record. Your people can do lunch with my people and we can discuss it then. Sequel’s already greenlighted! Love ya, baybee!”

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Obama fights back on health care plan

davidgerard — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 17:13:53 +0000

RATCHED, Massachusetts, Tuesday (NNN) — President Barack Obama has asked Americans not to believe “rumors” that his health reform initiatives will lead to a government-run health care system, push Medicare recipients to die rather than run up their bill or lead to widespread euthanasia of the Republican “base.”

“Let me start by dispelling the outlandish rumors that reform will promote euthanasia, or cut Medicaid, or bring about a government takeover,” said Mr Obama. “That’s simply not true. Furthermore, our proposed tests would still rule Sarah Palin as being human and actually alive, despite the evidence from the brain machines.”

Sarah Palin has spoken in horror of the centralised “death boards” she says Obama wishes to introduce, instead of the ones that individual hospitals run now to send people home to die when their money runs out. “Scientists like Stephen Hawking would have been killed off by the National Health Service,” she said, “if they’d grown up in Eng-er-land!”

Peter Ferrara from Fox News refused to buy Mr Obama’s claims. “The Obama health plan is based on evidence — but evidence leads to science, and science leads to Darwinian evolution being applied to you and yours! He’ll raise health costs, make freedom of choice illegal, ration health care and build a machine feeding illegal aliens in luxury on the corpses of aborted Republican babies, sacrificed in a gay Muslim Kenyan ceremony. You can buy my book on it at heartland.org for just $19.99. Call now! Operators standing by!”

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Dannii Minogue quits Botox in favour of 240 volts

davidgerard — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 17:42:40 +0000

BRITAIN’S GOT CHRONIC AMBITION, Minus Talent, Tuesday (N! News) — Second-string actress, second-string pop singer, second-string X Factor judge and sister of someone famous for actual star quality Dannii Minogue claims she has stopped using Botox, the wrinkle-beating injection that paralyses and relaxes facial muscles.

Her decision comes after public criticism for her alleged lack of facial expression on the X Factor, hence insufficient visible disgust with Simon Cowell.

Ms Minogue revealed in an interview that she is now ready for a more natural look. “Thor os so moch prossure on womon,” she told Aging Bimbo magazine. “Off you con bo hoppy woth yoursolf, thot’s tho morn thong.”

Her facial muscles will be operated using wires hooked to the same mains connection that powers the rest of her body. “Tho orms, tho logs, tho loght-op solocone brosts woth MP3 ployor. Ot’s oll good.”

Ms Minogue says almost everyone she knows has had Botox. “Oxcopt Choryl Cole. Sho’s not smort onough to work hor foce onywoy.”

She dismisses the notion that Botox use is somehow unusual. “To moy, Botox os no more onosoal thon toothposte. Thot’s whoy O tolk loke thos.”

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Women urged by marketer to test for fertility

davidgerard — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 20:52:37 +0000

WAKEFIELD, Sheffield, Sunday (NNN) — Britain is facing an infertility timebomb, according to Professor Bill Ledger of Sheffield University, who just happens to have a side business, Biofusion plc t/a Lifestyle Choices, selling fertility tests, in the Observer yesterday.

“Couples are sticking their heads in the sand,” he said. “Thirty-year-old women should take a ‘fertility MoT.’ Fortunately, I have some right here — a snip at a hundred quid a go. If the NHS won’t buy them from me, it could cause a devastating drop in national fertility!”

If necessary, women could then opt for a £200-300 ultrasound scan to look for other problems. “We do a nice line in those too.”

The call by Professor Ledger followed a week in which fertility dominated the news, with stories about postcode lotteries for those seeking IVF treatment. “My marketing director tells me this is completely coincidental. As medical technology suppliers of unimpeachable ethics, I’m sure we wouldn’t run a huge press campaign or features in Elsevier journals or anything.”

Professor Ledger is also a member of the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority, the completely independent government regulator. “So who could you trust more than us? It’s almost an official endorsement! Except the bit where they negligently don’t give us money. That needs addressing.”

Professor Ledger also said that an education programme should be introduced in secondary and primary schools. “We can help with that too, at quite reasonable rates. Britain has the highest teenage pregnancy rates in Western Europe, but that’s no reason to be complacent! Besides, chavs don’t have any money to pay us directly.”

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Taliban publicises new “cute fluffy kittens” code of conduct

davidgerard — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 17:24:22 +0000

AFGHANISTAN TRANSIT TRADE, Helmand, Friday (NNN) — The Taliban has issued a code of conduct for its operations in Afghanistan and Pakistan.

The code notes that “suicide attacks are not ‘right on’ and the Prophet probably wouldn’t have been that keen on them. Instead, be pleasant to people and make good and sincere friends with them, like that nice Mr Blair did so well.”

The code of conduct is similar to a previous document that emerged in 2006, and covers many topics:

“Mujahideen should not injure civilians or damage civilian property, even ones who won’t donate to a worthy cause like the Taliban’s work to bring about the Islamic Emirate, unlikely as that seems.”
“You certainly shouldn’t do anything horrible like sever ears, eyes, noses or lips. I mean, come on, that’s just icky.”
“Also, holding hostages for ransom — I mean, who does anything awful like that? Perish the thought.”
“Selling drugs isn’t nice either, even if it would be profitable. Remember, crime doesn’t pay!”

US and Afghan military officials have dismissed the document as propaganda. “Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous Islamist plot we have ever had to face,” said Lt. Cmdr. Christine Sidenstricker, U.S. military spokeswoman in Kabul. “Never trust a Klingon! Particularly an Islamist one!”

The Taliban is also likely to attempt to disrupt the forthcoming Afghan elections. The code of conduct explains: “Our brethren may be taken in by the well-meaning and plausible, but unfortunately misguided, American strategy. Please gently explain to our compatriots why such silliness is probably best not encouraged, and our American friends should instead be gently encouraged to find more meaningful things to be getting on with, perhaps at home. And that any Afghan voting in the elections will be impaled in the public square with the word ‘PIG’ written across his backside and his family slaughtered. Er, you didn’t write that last bit down? Good, good. Carry on!”

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Gym gunman obviously another killer goth

davidgerard — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 21:32:51 +0000

BRIDGEVILLE, Pittsburgh, Tuesday (NNN) — In another example of appalling devil-worshipping Satanist carnage, a goth has shot up a gymnasium in Pittsburgh, killing three women and then himself.

“It’s obvious he was a goth,” said Police Commissioner Donut, “from his … ah … white … moustache. And he was wearing a blue check shirt. And he had a ‘blog.’ That proves it.”

Republican strategist Mike Murphy was quick to comment, noting the incident proved once again “we need ‘goth control,’ not ‘gun control!’” Charlton Heston rose from his grave to announce a series of NRA talks to be held at the gym next week.

Several jocks from your school have been seen chasing anyone wearing black or knowing how to work a computer shouting about how “yo’ shot our sweet Jesus!”

When asked for comment, Marilyn Manson was quoted as telling our reporter to “fuck off.”

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Ronnie Biggs set loose to terrorise nation

davidgerard — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 18:20:15 +0000

NO-ONE IS INNOCENT, Rio Di Janeiro, Friday (NNN) — The Great Train Robber, Ronnie Biggs, has been released from prison on parole and is now free to wreak havoc upon society once more.

Biggs, who is 80 tomorrow, is bedbound and unable to speak after a series of strokes. Completely unrepentant of his crimes — robbery, assault and singing on a post-Lydon Sex Pistols record — it is feared he will seek out train drivers to assault with his spelling board and then give witty media interviews about having done so. The RMT and ASLEF have already called for strikes for their members’ safety.

“Crooks in those days weren’t mere drug-addled hoodlums,” said Great Train Robbery enthusiast Albert Tedious-Anorak, 54, of Little Boring. “They were folk heroes, Robin Hoods, with dash and daring and bravado and charm when they hit train drivers with iron bars.”

Justice minister Jack Straw had originally said he would “lock him away and swallow the key. I bet he’ll be on welfare and all.” However, public pressure forced him to relent and allow Biggs’ release, which entails him staying in the same hospital bed but not surrounded by armed guards. “It’ll end in tears, you know,” said Straw. “Without ID cards, there’s nothing Biggs can’t do out there. Nothing! You fools! You don’t know what you’ve wrought! He might actually live until tomorrow! Or even Sunday!”

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Twitter crashes for ninety minutes, nerds traumatised

davidgerard — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 16:21:22 +0000

WEB 1.99 BETA, Cyberspice, Thursday (NNGadget) — Twitter.com crashed on Thursday at about 3pm BST due to a “denial of twat” attack from thousands of virus-infected Windows PCs under the control of terrorist masterminds. It came up again at around 4:30pm, before promptly crashing again under the weight of users all trying to tweet about the twauma at once.

Stephen Fry has been hospitalised and is queueing messages from his PatientLine text terminal in readiness for the site returning. “Twatter ++ungood sweeties zomg I do believe I’m feeling a little faint.”

The source of the attack was originally hypothesised to be either the Russian Mafia, the Iranian security forces, the Chinese government or Alan Davies. Credit was eventually taken by the Confederation of British Industry, who also took down social not-working site Facebook, hoping for people to, you know, do some work at work.

News agencies around the world condemned the attack, which hit at the root of their online news-gathering processes and left them having to resort to following the Wikipedia “Recent Changes” feed. “Apparently BUSH IS GAY LOLOLOL ^{[citation needed]},” said the CNN front page headline. “Who knew?”

A new site, “Grunter,” has attempted to take up the slack. Users of “Grunter” are freed from the wordy excesses of Twitter’s 140-character limit and can post one of twelve pre-programmed onomatopoeic noises, such as “mmrph,” “huh,” “grah” or “tubgirl.”

Popular teenage angst poetry blogging and fan fiction site LiveJournal was affected by a similar attack at about the same time, but that attack was considered “just as well, really.”

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More women binge drinking real ale

davidgerard — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 21:55:06 +0000

CELEBRITY GOSSIP, Smile for the CAMRA, Sunday (NNN) — The number of women binge-drinking real ale has doubled in the past year to almost one in three, says the Campaign for Real Ale.

Z-list celebrities are regularly photographed in the London Lite supping a “pint,” little finger extended, a different one each drink, discussing the shades of flavour in each beer, the state of network engineering at the BBC, their favourite computer programming languages and the latest gossip about Wikipedia editors, until their breasts accidentally fall out of their dresses and they start a drunken catfight over their favourite Terry Pratchett novel, at which point they start an extended discussion with the nearest paparazzo about his precise lens and camera settings.

Most of those trying real ale in the past year said it was brewed locally, and also thrown up again locally, if not directly recycled into Foster’s.

Almost 12,000 women were convicted for drink driving in 2007, with 2009 figures expected to mostly be on bicycles. Road safety experts blamed the so-called “spodette culture,” of women being loud, drunken, brawling, uncouth and foul-mouthed, usually concerning what one said about the other’s Perl code.

The newfound popularity of ale-drinking has extended to the City banking industry. “When you’re working and socialising with these people,” said one female trader, “it’s easy to slip into their lifestyle. I went with the guys to strip clubs and bars, spraying bottles of Tokyo* 18% stout around to celebrate a big deal. Being blonde and female I took my fair share of stick, but sometimes it’s in your favour to be underestimated. Think I can’t tell how long the Bodgett’s Wyrd Brew has been in the barrel? Fuck off!”

The government has started a new series of advertisements against binge ale drinking, warning of the dangers of drunk texting, drunk Facebooking, drunk Wikipedia editing and drunkenly falling pregnant to that cuddly middle-aged Star Trek enthusiast who lives with his parents. And is pathetically devoted to you ever since. And is paid a fortune as a system administrator. So probably not completely awful on balance, then.

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Did Jesus reveal the name of the “antichrist”?

davidgerard — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 20:13:57 +0000

Guest post by Joe Kovacs of WorldNetDaily

GROUND ZERO, The Rapture, any day now, you’ll see (WND exclusive) — For centuries, Christians have wondered about the identity of a future leader who will do Satan’s bidding to thwart the plans of Jesus Christ and introduce socialised medicine shortly before His prophesied return to Earth. That leader has come to be known as “the antichrist.”

Now, advanced analysis of Luke 10:18 — “I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven” — shows that the Greek word for “lightning” is “astrape,” the Hebrew word for which is “Baraq;” and the Hebrew for “height,” as in “heaven,” is “Bamah.”

The financial bailout, started as a holy work by George W. Bush, demonstrates the Kenyan citizen Obama’s Satanic intentions in having the temerity to continue it, evangelising the worship of Mammon in the sinful financial alleys of New York.

Further research has shown that Obama’s health policies go directly against the word of Leviticus, in their subsidy for gay marriage, divorce, mixed fibers and shellfish. Leviticus chapter 1 also specifies how God likes His barbecue done in important detail.

Finally, the Wikipedia article on Obama has had vital information on the real circumstances of his birth removed repeatedly by the cabal of leftist Satan-worshipping administrators, despite the efforts of several users (User:JoeKovacs, User:KovacsJoe, User:JKovacs and User:JKWND in particular) to preserve it. The word “wiki” comes from the pagan word for “quick,” while “pedia” means “sex with children.”

Indeed, the Internet is the source of some of the most horrifyingly Satanic material in existence, proselytising the One-World government of the Antichrist forming around the Democrat Party. We must fight this every day, without fail. We must battle for the destruction of the world Net, daily … I’m sorry, I’ll start again.

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Banks utterly surprised to be paying squillions in bonuses again

davidgerard — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 21:30:40 +0000

THE MEMORY HOLE, London EC1, Monday (NNN) — Barclays and HSBC have passionately defended the City’s culture of bonuses barely a year after the government bailout of the financial system.

“I am shocked, shocked — oh, my cheque? Thank you! — that such bonuses have had to be paid again,” said John Varley, chief executive of Barclays. “Naughty, naughty traders! What can you expect, they’re like kids, they are. They’re like Premier League footballers or Hollywood rock stars or something else that sounds cooler than ‘rapacious scum.’ And we just have to be Roman Abramovich to compete. There are other oligarchs to impress, you know! I mean, there’s a financial system to keep pumping. Capital flowing efficiently to where it’s most needed, or will grow fastest anyway. We’re the arteries of the free market and the traders are the aneurysms. I’m sorry, I’ll start that again.”

A jump in profits for both banks led to speculation as to huge pay deals, with details to be published on Wikileaks later in the week. Barclays Capital has profits of half the British Isles, while HSBC has options on half of Hong Kong.

But criticism of the banks came from across the political spectrum. Vince Cable, the Liberal Democrat Treasury spokesman, said the Financial Services Authority needed to show “real teeth” rather than the false ones that worked so well from 1997 until 2008. Minister for Women and Equality Harriet Harman said they needed more women in the boardrooms of major banks. Shadow chancellor George Osborne replied that Mrs Thatcher was getting on a bit, but did so well last time that they were sure she’d still do a better job than the current government.

Stuart Gulliver of HSBC explained: “If a trader makes a deal, they know two days later how much they made. If it’s a five million profit, that is something we can count, we can see it, it’s real. If it turns out a couple of years later to be a hugely leveraged disaster requiring trillions in government bailouts to avert the total collapse of the world economy, how were they to know? It’s most unfair and disrespectful of artistic genius. We’re putting the 2008 crash in for this year’s Turner Prize.”

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Labour to put CCTV in worst 24.7 million households

davidgerard — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 20:29:43 +0000

NEVER AGAIN, Well Hardly Ever, Sunday (NNN) — In a “Back To Basics” return to fundamental working class values, or a reasonable substitute, Labour has announced that CCTV will be used to keep the worst families in Britain in line, children’s secretary Ed Balls announced to the Sunday Excess yesterday.

“We have a £400 squillion PFI plan to put the very worst problem families under 24-hour CCTV supervision in their own homes to ensure that children attend school, go to bed on time and eat proper meals. Privatised security guards will carry out on-the-spot checks. Their parents will be hooked to a polygraph and questioned on whether they have gone over Department of Health recommendations on alcohol consumption per week.

“But don’t worry! It won’t happen to you. Just to those chavvy yobs down the street. Discipline!”

In the run up to the next election, Labour has sworn to get back in touch with its grass roots, or what New Labour remembers about them. “We’ll imprison asylum seekers! Particularly in BNP-voting areas! Swan-eating illegalised! Public massacres of gyppos! Bring the kids! Fun for all the family! Pitchforks, torches and page three girls supplied! The Tories can’t possibly outdo this one!”

Dave Cameron said he probably couldn’t, but he’d “give it a good old go. Defend our title, what? Norman Tebbit back in Cabinet, that should be a good start. We just have to keep mirrors and sunlight out of range.”

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Ministry of Health welcomes suicide ruling

davidgerard — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 21:37:29 +0000

MINILUV, Oswiecim, Friday (NNN) — The Ministry of Health has applauded the Law Lords’ verdict in the assisted suicide case, suggesting it opens the way to fixing the NHS budget.

“Where there’s a living will, there’s a way!” said health secretary Andy Burnham. “Of course, the death of a patient is a tragedy every time. I cry real tears, smearing my eyeliner as you can see. But I cry more tears when I look at my budget. Sorry, the mike wasn’t on for that, was it?”

Hospitals will be rebranded as members of the Indignitas chain, in a PFI scheme run by EDS Capita Goatse in conjunction with IBM and Bayer AG. Entering an NHS hospital will, under law, be considered expression of a sincere and deeply-held death wish. “Anyone going into an NHS hospital has given up caring if they live, die or are slowly digested by MRSA anyway. This just lets us formalise the process.”

The Department for Work and Pensions has put into place a new rule that those unemployed for two years will have to enter into a Death Experience Scheme for six months.

Lord Peter Mandelson also praised the decision for “giving clarity to those cases where a loved one, who has lost all ability and awareness and is sadly incapable of going on, really does need to be sent to the knackers’ yard. The moves to allow life peers to relinquish their peerage and, say, re-enter Parliament via a safe seat, are entirely coincidental, though we may sadly have to employ them, say, next year. Purely hypothetically.”

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Women getting more beautiful, say Photoshop retouchers

davidgerard — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 21:31:10 +0000

I DON’T FANCY YOURS MUCH, Down The Pub, Monday (NNN) — Women are gradually becoming more attractive in an evolutionary “beauty race,” at least where Photoshop is available.

Beautiful women get more attention to detail and fixing of flaws than their plainer counterparts, certainly better than the days of actual physical airbrushes. Men remain as aesthetically unappealing as their caveman ancestors, as proven by several generations of Top Gear.

“You just can’t do much with the men, the clone tool on the hair’s too obvious and then you get on some snarky ‘Photoshop Phoulups’ blog,” said Professor Gene Hunt of the University of Metro. “We had the same problem with Susan Boyle’s eyebrows.”

Beautiful women in magazines have more children and these daughters, once adult, also tend to end up in magazines. “Look at Paula Yates and her daughters, Peaches and Pixie … er, I’ll think of another example in a moment.”

The heritability of attractiveness is widely accepted. When Elizabeth Jagger became a model, her mother, the former model Jerry Hall, said: “It’s in her genes. Self-obsession, thickness … I contributed too, of course.”

Professor Hunt looks forward to future developments. “Beer’s always good when Photoshop fails. Women need to carry beer around with them more.”

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