http://notnews.today.com Fri, 20 Nov 2009 19:21:06 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en BRUSSELS, Belgian Empire, Thursday (NNN) — The Imperial Belgian Regime has concluded the first stage of its revival with the coronation of Herman van Rompuy as Imperator and Father of All Europe. "I shall bring to you all unbounded prosperity and joy in life," said Emperor Herman, "in appropriate moderation and ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/11/20/european-union-renamed-greater-belgium/ SPILL, Aisle 2, Thursday (NNN) — Supermarket giant Tesco plans to establish itself as a major force in the broadband Internet market with Tesco Value Internet, setting itself up as a rival to to BT, Virgin Media and TalkTalk. "It'll be hard work," said Tesco Telecoms head Lance Batchelor, "but we ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/11/19/tesco-value-internet-enters-the-broadband-market/ My Lords and Members of the House of Commons: My government's overriding priority is to be re-elected. This will require a sustained scientific and mathematical research program to discover truly revolutionary advances in arithmetic. Or failing that, just the revolution. A "default vote" option will be put into place such that ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/11/18/in-full-the-queens-speech/ STRAIGHT'S THE WORD, Bruxelles, Saturday (NotScientist) — Ubiquitous chemical contamination, driven by the radical feminist agenda, is driving down sperm counts and feminising male children across the developed world. Young boys produce less sperm and developing feminised behaviour, in which they dress up in pink, have tea parties, read the Guardian ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/11/17/household-chemicals-turning-boys-all-girly/ THE WHORELY ARMS, Primrose Hill, Monday (N! News) — Formerly talented singer Amy Winehouse spent Sunday night in hospital, reportedly falling ill after her blood medication level dropped below saturation levels. "Amy took an over-the-toilet-sink preparation for a cold," said some money-grubbing scrote willing to make up complete bollocks for a ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/11/16/amy-winehouse-hospitalised-after-allergic-reaction-to-sobriety/ KALLIKAK, Gattaca, Saturday (NotScientist) — Genetic testing companies are promising to match couples based on Escherichia coli testing, touting the benefits of biological compatibility and claiming a match means better personality match, better sex and conclusive proof that they match down to the asshole. "How many dating services can you think ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/11/15/dating-site-matches-people-through-e-coli-tests/ SOLANAS, New Dworkin, Friday (NNN) — Teenage boys need to be taught a heavy dose of realism: that it may not be possible to be a perfect father and a career man, says Jill Berry, head teacher of Sir William Harpur school in Bedford and president of the Boys' Schools ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/11/14/school-head-boys-should-be-realistic-about-careers-and-fatherhood/ VEVEY, Suisse, Friday (NNN) — A small bar of dark chocolate a day helps keep stress at bay, say researchers at Nestlé, particularly the stress of chocolate manufacturers looking at sales figures. Chocolate cuts levels of stress hormones and supplies valuable income that the company can further apply to killing Third ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/11/13/chocolate-reduces-chocolate-manufacturers-stress/ THE PINK LINE, Scunthorpe, Monday (NNN) — Generally objectionable, odious and unpleasant people are going so far as medical intervention to turn them into absolute cunts, says a report in the British Journal of Obstetrical and Gynaecological Metaphors. "There is a shocking lack of information on the risks of the procedure," ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/11/12/new-warning-on-perfect-vaginas/ PAGE 3, Channel 5, Tuesday (NNN) — Women with large breasts appear to attract the attention of men, scientists were absolutely amazed to discover. Researchers from the University of Metro, writing in Evolution and Human Behaviour Illustrated, have spent many, many hours studying 16,000 women and girls, and their boobs, in ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/11/11/scientists-surprised-to-find-men-attracted-to-women-with-big-tits/ AUSTRALIAN GLADIATORS, Sky None, Monday (Mediocre Grauniad) — In an exclusive interview with one of his employees, Rupert Murdoch announced that it was time to draw a line in the sand in his constant battle to frustrate freeloading consumers by scheduling extensive rhinoplasty. As the logical extension of his intent to ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/11/10/murdoch-announces-plan-to-cut-off-nose/ MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE, Blind Idiot Heaven, Sunday (NNN) — Lloyd Blankfein, chairman and CEO of Goldman Sachs, says that "banks are doing God's work," comparable to Hurricane Katrina, the eruption of Krakatoa and the Tunguska event of 1908. "There is a balance to all things," said Mr Blankfein. "God created ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/11/09/goldman-sachs-doing-gods-work/ SKANKIES, Dependençia, Friday (NNN) — Rachel Christie, 21, winner of the Miss England beauty pageant, has had to retire from the title after a defeat in a nightclub brawl with Miss Manchester, Sara Jones, 24. Miss Christie displayed the skills that led to her being crowned the queen of English womanhood ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/11/08/miss-england-sent-off-field-due-to-injury/ DAWKINS, Barking, Wednesday (NNN) — An executive has won the right to sue his employer on the basis that he was unfairly dismissed for his views after a judge ruled that his delusions of competence had the same weight in law as religious and philosophical beliefs under the 2003 Religion ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/11/07/delusions-of-adequacy-given-same-status-as-religion/ TIN ARM ALLEY, Public NME, Friday (N! News) — After telling the others to fuck off several years ago, Robbie Williams has, after a string of epic failures, come grovelling back to Take That in the hope of enough income to pay for his, er, mineral water. "Williams? I vaguely recall ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/11/06/robbie-williams-comes-crawling-back-to-take-that/ ARGLETON, Lancashire, Saturday (NNN) — A Google Maps error has created a phantom city: "Perth" in Western Australia, in what is in fact a completely empty space. The mystery has locals so intrigued that a few have made the journey to the enigmatic spot. "I started to weave this amazing fantasy ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/11/05/google-maps-shows-nonexistent-city-perth/ SECURITY ZOETROPE, Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) A device claimed to "smell" human fear is being marketed as identifying terrorists by detecting "fear pheromones" in sweat. "The challenge lies in the characterisation and identification of the specific chemical that gives away the signature of human fear," said project leader Professor Tong Sun of ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/11/04/device-that-smells-snake-oil-could-identify-terrorists/ ISLINGTON, Socialist Republic of North London, Tuesday (NNN) — President Barack Obama, Bill Gates and Bono are being invited to back a "vague middle-class interest portal" website, Hope Plus, to promote social politics. "A global eBay-PeaceCorps-wiki-social-media-network-community-thingy is absolutely the most useful thing the modern world could have right now," says founder ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/11/03/global-vaguely-giving-a-shit-portal-to-launch/ DAS BUNKER, Westminster, Monday — Adolf Hitler has apologised for any "upset" caused by a "clumsily" worded e-mail, comparing his treatment to that of MPs over their expenses. Mr Hitler, the Chancellor of Germany, made the apology after Roosevelt and Churchill had pointed out that comparing himself to David Wilshire, Tory ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/11/02/hitler-apologises-for-mp-analogy-e-mail/ PAGE 3, Wapping, Saturday (Mediocre Grauniad) — Your Super Soaraway Sun! comes out today against DISGRACEBOOK, the vile "social networking" system used by perverts, murderers, paedos, Catholic priests, Guardian readers, Labour ministers and other SICK FILTH. Your Sun has mounted a FULL INVESTIGATION into the Facebook DEN OF INIQUITY, with an ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/11/01/ban-this-sick-facefilth/ CRAPLAND, M25, Thursday (NNN) — Watford Council has barred access to two adventure playgrounds to parents, in order to protect their own children from them. Despite being widely publicised in the Daily Mail, it turned out the story was in fact accurate. "We have made sure all children are under the ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/31/watford-council-saves-children-from-parents/ DERAIL REPLACEMENT BUS, Tranniesport for London, Thursday (Mediocre Grauniad) — I love travelling on the tube. Where women are women, men are refuse and transsexuals don't offend me with their alleged existence. But since the advent of free papers such as Metro, it feels like my reading material isn't my ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/30/julie-bindel-trannies-nicked-my-paper-on-the-tube/ EAT Y'SELF FITTER, The Priory, Thursday (NNN) — Professor David Nutt, the government's chief drug misuse advisor, has been called upon to resign after stating the bloody obvious fact that alcohol is frequently more harmful than cannabis or Ecstasy. "Alcohol ranks as the fifth most harmful drug after heroin, cocaine, barbiturates ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/29/drugs-chairman-controversially-states-the-bleeding-obvious/ GEFFEN, Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) — Lord Mandelson has today announced that the outgoing Labour government will be going ahead with the "three strikes" plan against Internet filesharing, thus ensuring the widespread use of encryption in all routine network communications. "Encrypted communications as standard is the best possible thing for everyone's privacy," ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/28/three-strikes-will-ensure-security-of-all-private-communications/ LASCAUX TESCAUX, Town Centre, Saturday night (NNN) — Modern humans and Neanderthals had sex across the species barrier, according to Professor Svante Paabo, a political scientist researching the British National Party. Prof Paabo will shortly publish his analysis of the entire Neanderthal genome, using DNA retrieved from fossils. He aims to ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/28/did-humans-and-neanderthals-interbreed/ KARADZIC, Seattle, Tuesday (NNN) — Microsoft has commenced its "Windows 7 Was My Idea" campaign, a series of TV advertisements required of it after its conviction in the International Computer Criminal Court in the Hague for crimes against productivity, office workers and the human brain. The advertisements feature the software developers ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/27/microsoft-surrenders-windows-perpetrators-on-television/ WEB 1.99 RC 1, Oh God it's nine o'clock, Monday morning (NNN) — Two-thirds of office workers use sites like Twitter and Facebook during the working day, wasting an average of 40 minutes a week each. The survey was conducted by Morse IT, with no consideration whatsoever of the company's extensive ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/26/showing-up-to-work-at-all-costs-british-economy-213-trillion-a-year/ TWITTER CENTRE, Whiter-than-White City, Friday (NNN) — Jan Moir today claimed London had been "ethnically cleansed" of heterosexual people after her appearance on Twitter Question Time last night. "London is no longer a city my grandparents would recognise. It is changed beyond all recognition. Pooftahs from end to end!" Ms Moir also ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/23/jan-moir-says-she-was-set-up-on-question-time/ TELEVISION OUTSKIRTS, Off-White City, Thursday (MSBBC) — Microsoft National Party leader Windows 7 has insisted it was "not Vista" during its first appearance on the BBC's Question Time. The political discussion programme was recorded as Macintosh and Linux campaigners protested outside Television Centre. The BBC maintained Windows 7 deserved representation on ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/22/windows-7-released-on-question-time-to-mass-protests/ EX FACTOR, Smersh, Tuesday (N! News) — Pop android Cheryl Cole has lost her fight to build a secret underground swimming pool in her supervillain's lair high in the craggy mountains of Guildford, despite claiming "spies in the sky" would try to snap her in her bikini if she had ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/21/cheryl-coles-supervillain-lair-refused-planning-permission/ TELEVISION OUTSKIRTS, Osterley, Wednesday (Mediocre Grauniad) — In a submission to the BBC Trust, BSkyB has lambasted the BBC for using taxpayer’s money to invest in television, claiming the move would "stifle innovation" in the marketplace. "They shouldn't go off and do their own thing and use their unique funding to ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/16/sky-blasts-bbc-over-use-of-licence-fees-for-television/ [SUPPRESSED], Wikileaks, Tuesday (NNN) — Carter-Ruck and Associates, the finest libel lawyers in the world, have successfully protected the good reputation of oil and toxic waste company Trafigura by obtaining an injunction preventing the Guardian from reporting the fact of a Parliamentary question on Trafigura dumping toxic waste off the ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/13/carter-ruck-successfully-preserves-trafiguras-online-reputation/ THAWTELESS, West London, Monday (NNGadget) — Canonical, Inc. has announced the release later this month of Ubuntu Linux 9.10, "Karmic Koala," to men. Project founder Mark Shuttleworth explained that "this stuff is difficult to explain to girls" and thought they'd have gotten the hint when he called 8.04 "Hairy Hardon." "Worrying ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/12/ubuntu-karmic-koala-released-for-men/ NOWHERE LAND, Seattle, Sunday (NNGadget) — Microsoft today implemented its 100% Data Confidentiality package for T-Mobile Sidekick, comprehensively protecting users' contacts, email and messages from any possible attacker. "Our data security is impenetrable," said Steve Ballmer, "and will reassure everyone of the data integrity of our Windows Azure Screen Of Death ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/11/microsoft-renders-sidekick-data-completely-secure/ TELEVISION EXTREMITIES, Shepherd's Bush, Saturday (NNN) — After Jeremy Clarkson's column in the November issue of Top Gear magazine berating BBC executives' fondness for "black Muslim lesbians," a crack squad of said demographic has staged a coup and taken over the show. "The plague of political correctness means that women are ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/10/black-muslim-lesbians-take-over-top-gear/ HELMAND, Neuschwabenland, Friday (NNN) — Barack Obama, the President of Earth, has controversially launched an attack on the Lunar Imperium the same day he received the Nobel Peace Prize for not being George W. Bush. "We closely examined Mr Obama's record over the past nine months," said Nobel Prize committee chair ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/09/obama-attacks-moon-while-receiving-peace-prize/ X Factor contestants are grown in vats in a factory in south Wales, using repurposed equipment from the Australian soap opera factories of the 1980s. The replicants are programmed with a fictional past that always involves a dead parent. In six seasons, no-one involved has yet bothered writing a second ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/08/x-factor-top-10-all-you-need-to-know-about-any-of-them/ TWO HUNDRED METRES, Turn Left, Thursday (NNN) — Minicab saviour TomTom has announced their latest navigation device, the Stop, targeting motorists on a budget. The price is subsidised by donations from the motoring public in honour of the 150th anniversary of the publication of Charles Darwin's Origin of Species. The ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/07/tomtom-launches-cut-price-darwin-signature-satnav/ YESLER WAY, Seattle, Monday (NNGadget) — Microsoft Windows has once again trounced all comers in security, with a recent survey showing 59% of all Windows machines on the Internet being infected with malware and under the control of botnets. Malware rose 15% just from August to September this year. Windows users ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/06/microsoft-windows-beats-all-in-security-tests/ ANOTHER INFINITE LOOP, Cupertino, Monday (NNN) — In its latest move to protect the consumer and, of course, its valuable intellectual property and reputation, Apple has brought a trademark violation suit in Australia against nature. "The violations are all over trees, sometimes orchards full of them," said Steve Jobs today. "And ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/05/apple-inc-sues-apples-for-trademark-violation/ YOUR DESK, Work, every day is like Monday (NNN) — It's five minutes past nine and the workplace economy is in the doldrums. Everyone is present but no work is flowing. Economics is, after all about the flows. How to stimulate industry? While workers' in-trays remain thin, the rate of decline ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/04/robert-peston-the-morning-tea-deficit-explained/ GET ON UP, I Wanna Do My Thing, Sunday (NNN) — James Gordon Brown, the hardest-working Prime Minister in show business, has warned the economy to buck up its ideas and get on its feet or he will unleash his erudition in a weekly podcast. Downing Street compared the podcast to ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/03/gordon-brown-threatens-britain-with-fireside-podcasts/ PAGE THREE, Daily Fail, Friday (Mediocre Grauniad) — From Monday week, the London Evening Standard will compete with freesheet London Lite by paying readers to take the wretched thing. "We will widen the paper's audience as a deterrence against corruption," said proprietor Alexander Lebedev. "To this end, we will engage in ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/02/evening-standard-to-pay-readers-to-take-it/ WELL I NEVER, What Will They Think Of Next, The Future (NNGadget) — The "tech world" is awash with excitement for today's scheduled release of a hundred thousand invitations to preview Wave, Google's innovative new website, communication protocol, interactive environment, multiplayer online role-playing game, bulletin board, wiki, dessert wax and ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/10/01/google-wave-to-transform-the-internet/ WEST PEER, Skidrow-On-Sea, Tuesday (NNN) — Gordon Brown has given a rousing speech at the Labour conference promising the loyal Party members exciting new policies, a Labour victory and other unearthly and supernatural manifestations. The carefully-vetted Party members, who had been checked for rotten tomatoes and cabbages at the door, spontaneously ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/30/gordon-brown-promises-magical-happyland-of-unicorns-and-faeries-to-labour-conference/ DACRE, Moron Piers, Tuesday (NNN) — Associated Newspapers today suspended all injections of scaremongering bollocks after a reader seemed to die of stupidity hours after reading the Daily Mail. Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam, was found dead in his armchair after reading the UK Daily Mail's campaign against cervical ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/29/daily-mail-suspends-complete-bollocks-injections-after-reader-dies-of-stupidity/ TOO FAR DOWN UNDER, Marketers At Work, Saturday (NNN) — In the quarter-final ad break of the Australian Football League grand final, Kraft has revealed the winning entry in the competition to name its new spreadable Vegemite cream cheese mix: Axle Grease Shit 2.0. The winning name was submitted by Dean ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/28/kraft-names-new-vegemite-axle-grease-shit-20/ CASHIER'S DESK, Parliament.co.uk, Friday (NNN) — Conservatives indicated disquiet today with a candidate who was not working as a lobbyist with a public relations firm on the side. With its new emphasis on the necessity of more efficient government in these straitened times, the party has 140 prospective Tory candidates likely ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/27/tory-candidate-not-working-for-pr-company/ YESLER WAY, Seattle, Friday (NNGadget) — Office supply company Microsoft has reassured consumers and industry analysts that its decline will continue with the new video on how to run a Windows 7 house party, whose "viral" nature goes beyond "herpes" or "swine flu" to "SARS." Originally thought to be a devastating ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/26/windows-7-party-video-snatches-defeat-from-the-jaws-of-victory/ HECK, Pennsylvania, Friday (NNN) — Leaders of the world's biggest economies have announced that they have won the financial crisis fight. "It worked," declared the Group of 20, "and will keep us in power long enough." The April G20 meeting declared that the world economy was "facing its greatest challenge in ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/25/g20-financial-crisis-response-worked-for-us/ THE NIGHT GARDEN, Television Outskirts, Thursday (NNeebies) — Parents' welfare groups begged for mercy as the full horror of Justin Fletcher's new CBeebies show Gigglebiz became apparent. "It's vitally important," said Mr Fletcher, recipient of an MBE for services to children's broadcasting, "that I use the full range of my ability ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/24/parents-beg-for-mercy-from-justin-fletcher/ ABBEY NORMAL, London Lite, Wednesday (N! News) — Major British recording artists will meet to try to hammer out a truce on their views on the Mandelson-Geffen "three strikes" proposal to cut off filesharers. Radiohead, Pink Floyd and Blur have said the proposals are unworkable and will only alienate people. However, ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/23/lily-allen-fights-for-three-strikes-proposal/ DO AS YOU PLEASE, Faraway Tree, Sunday (NNN) — A three-year-old boy is the youngest known suspect in a British criminal inquiry. "Little Johnny" Pleb, 3¼, who cannot be named, is the centre of a vast criminal enterprise in Strathclyde. He started his underworld network aged two and a half, gathering ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/22/three-year-old-is-youngest-crime-suspect-in-britain/ SEVENTH HEAVEN, London WC2, Saturday (NNN) — The first London tourist office specifically for LGBT (which stands for "Young, White, Gay, Male and Middle-Class") tourist needs will be opening later this year. The idea is the brainchild of a gay bar owner, who plans to run it out of the ground ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/21/london-gay-tourist-bureau-opening/ PAGE 3, Channel 5, Sunday (NNN) — The British Association of Aesthetic and Plastic Surgeons (BOOBIES) has put out a concerned press release claiming to be about competition from overseas surgeons in an attempt to market man-boob reductions. "Unethical clinics in other countries continue to offer obscenely superfluous surgery cheaper than ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/20/plastic-surgeons-warn-against-not-giving-them-money/ PRIORY OF SION, All The Way To The Bank, Friday (NNN) — International best-seling author Dan Brown is in tears over the critical reception to his latest book, The Last Symbol. "Renowned author Dan Vinci staggered through the pile of reviews," said Mr Brown, snapping his fingers to signal one of ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/19/dan-brown-cries-self-to-sleep-on-huge-bed-made-of-money/ WELL I NEVER, See I Told You, Friday (NNN) — Low-level shitkickers at a crappy public relations agency knowingly and with malice aforethought abusing the title "researcher" have found, on the spec sheet listing the official desired outcome for their "research," that women — all women — are overcome by ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/18/women-unable-to-keep-a-secret-particularly-when-pissed/ MONDAY MORNING, In A Human Face Forever, Monday (NNGadget) — Millions of British workers are to be made redundant as companies install robotic Facebook readers, with F5-clicking robot arms, in the workplace to save human time interacting with social networks. "Computers are in the workplace to improve our economic efficiency," ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/17/millions-made-redundant-as-facebook-automated/ OVER 60 MILLION GOT SERVED, Just Over The Border, Wednesday (NNN) — Biotechnology companies banking on a severe swine flu pandemic were shocked this week when US health officials approved four H1N1 vaccines, triggering a selloff in the sector. "This is outrageous fiscal irresponsibility from the Democrat Party," said analyst Brian ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/16/biotech-stocks-plummet-in-wake-of-public-health-policies-that-favor-humans/ COLORING SECTION, Bush Presidential Library, Monday (NNN) — President George W. Bush's former speechwriter Matt Latimer reveals all in a new book, Speech-Less: Tales of a White House Apologist, about what George W. Bush was really like in power. "His perception and ability were truly amazing," said Latimer. "He got so ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/15/yet-another-amazing-bush-whitehouse-tell-all-released/ WHAT'S ON THE SLAB, Steampunk Seattle, Monday (NNGadget) — Microsoft is improving its stratospherically successful "decision engine," Bob Hope, with a feature that allows you to "visual search" on "web" "sites." "This is what happens at the cutting edge of research, y'know," said marketing marketer Yusuf Mehdi at the Tech Crunch ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/14/microsoft-bob-hope-gains-visual-search-feature/ BLETCHEROUS PARK, Milton Springsteen, Sunday (NNGadget) — Today, on Programmer's Day — September 13th, the two hundred and fifty-sixth day of the year — it is time for deep reflection on who we are and how we reached the current state of things. After breaking the German Enigma Machine codes during ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/13/alan-turing-apologises-for-gordon-brown/ OOMPA LOOMPA VILLAGE, Silicone Valley, Friday (N! News) — Katie Price has reportedly sent Peter Andre late-night texts claiming that she is still in love with the publicity she got with him, telling him the magazine covers were her "farytaele" in one message and that "I <3 ur pblicty & ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/12/jordan-drunk-texts-her-old-shag/ WHITEHOUSE, Whitehall, Friday (NNN) — The Government has announced that Criminal Records Bureau checking will be extended to every resident of the UK, for the urgent protection of the children and the relief of the national budget deficit. "Statistically, the overwhelming majority of harm visited upon children is because of a ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/11/crb-checks-expanded-to-entire-uk-population/ DRAGON'S DEN, Cheyenne Mountain, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Despite months of negotiations to get a Commodore 64 emulator approved for the iPhone, Apple has pulled the application after just two days after a hack was found that enables the BASIC interpreter. "Anything capable of allowing programming — any programming — could be ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/10/apple-saves-world-from-commodore-64-nuclear-attack/ OLD GLORY HOLE, The Castro, Wednesday (NNN) — Michael Duvall, California Republican state assemblyman representing Orange County, has resigned his seat after being caught vividly describing lewd details about his trysts with a female lobbyist. Duvall has insisted he is "not sexual" and that the female lobbyist he spoke of is ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/09/republican-in-heterosexual-sex-scandal/ THE MANCUNIAN CANDIDATE, Kenyawaii, Tuesday (NNN) — Republican fears over Barack Obama's back-to-school speech to students have not been quelled by the release of the text. Mr Obama tells students to work hard, set goals, take responsibility for their own future, be self-reliant and diligently pursue the fruits of capitalism and ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/08/obama-speech-fills-ears-of-mere-children-with-vile-propaganda/ CRYSTAL CAULDRON, Goldacre, Monday (NotScientist) — The pharmaceutical industry is reeling from the news that more and more new drugs do no better than a placebo. Despite historic levels of industry investment in research and development, the FDA approved only 19 new drugs in 2007 and 24 in 2008. The placebo ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/07/placebos-more-effective-than-most-new-drugs/ LAKE WASHINGTON BLVD. E., Seattle, Friday (NNGadget) — In preparation for the stupendous launch of Microsoft Windows %NEXT_VERSION% in October, Microsoft is organising a detailed word-of-mouth push. "Astroturfing word of mouth is routine, don't worry," said Cylon Number Six from Waggener Edstrom. "We've been careful to get all our partners and ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/09/04/microsoft-arranges-spontaneous-house-parties-for-windows-7-launch/ I'M A BLIGHT ON HUMANITY, Get Me Out Of Here, Saturday (NNGadget) — It's August, the best of times when you're a space-filler generator in IT journalism, as every other media outlet turns into a gaping void at least as bad as ourselves. This leads to the inevitable debate: which ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/31/os-deathmatch-snow-leopard-vs-windows-7/ PAGE 3, Channel 5, August (NNN) — Men prefer websites designed by men, women prefer those designed by women and designers prefer those designed by designers, according to a new study by Gloria Moss, a lecturer in Press-Release Science at Bucks New University. "It's August, so the differences spring from our ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/29/designers-prefer-websites-designed-by-designers/ VICTORIA, Steampunk Britain, Thursday (NNN) — A "wall of steel" Microsoft rocket attack on Google's London office yesterday caused a small fire from a ruptured gas cylinder, a reminder of the browser and search engine wars and Microsoft's overwhelming might. The six-story-tall Microsoft mecha, approaching from the direction of Victoria Station, ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/28/google-repels-microsoft-attack-on-london-offices/ THE MEMORY HOLE, Wolverhampton South West, Thursday (NNN) — Labour has criticised Tory MEP Daniel Hannan for citing Adolf Hitler in an interview. Mr Hannan told Randroid magazine that the 1930s German chancellor understood "the importance of a really good motorway." He later told the BBC he was a "libertarian" on ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/27/row-as-daniel-hannan-praises-hitler/ NO MICROSOFT WAY, WebTV Centre,Wednesday (MSBBC) — Microsoft has unveiled new technology that will allow the BBC to completely outsource its technology news section to Microsoft. This cements an informal relationship that has been in place since BBC News slimmed down surplus staff such as subeditors, proofreaders or most of the ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/26/bbc-outsources-tech-news-to-microsoft/ PAGE 3, Channel 5, Friday (Mediocre Grauniad) — The collapse of Murdoch evening freesheet The London Paper has thrown the vapid fishwrap industry into turmoil. News Group Newspapers had already been reeling under the impact of even a 20p Sun only being bought by people too thick even for Metro. "Celebrities!" ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/24/murdochs-london-freesheet-closes/ ONE INFINITE LOOP, Here We Go Again, Sunday (NNGadget) — Apple is reportedly close to launching its long-rumored ____. It could be Apple's latest billion-dollar jackpot. Analyst speculation says the ___ will be launched in September and be in the shops by Christmas. A new mention of the ___ crops up ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/23/apple-___-set-to-revolutionise-consumer-electronics/ THE BLACK HOLE OF LOCKERBIE, The Great Game, Saturday (NNN) — FBI Director Robert Mueller harshly criticized the release of Abdelbeset Ali Mohmed al Megrahi, convicted of the Lockerbie bombing, as "a mockery of the rule of law" and "detrimental to the cause of justice engineering." Al Megrahi had been serving ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/22/lockerbie-bomber-freed-for-reasons-other-than-business-dealings/ RACTER, Eliza Alice, Friday (MX Doctor) — Online talking treatment using instant messaging can help NHS budgets recover from depression, say management researchers. The study looked at 297 people with anxiety and depression. Half had up to 10 one-hour sessions with an online therapist, LOLbot. The other half were sent to ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/21/instant-message-psychotherapy-helps-health-care-budgets/ GORDON OF THE JUNGLE, Watch Out For That Tree, Monday (NNN) — After a report by the Civitas think tank that "A-levels could be done by a monkey these days," British students have been hiring monkeys to do their homework for them while they engage in healthy outdoor activities and ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/20/a-levels-outsourced-to-monkeys/ WHITEHOUSE, Your Happy Place, Wednesday (NNN) — Japanese horror film Grotesque has been refused an 18 certificate by the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) because of its graphic torture scenes. BBFC director David Cooke said it presented "little more than an unrelenting and escalating scenario of humiliation, brutality and sadism. ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/19/bbfc-refuses-classification-for-japanese-horror-film-grotesque/ GAMESCOM, Ichiyaga Camp, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Sony is releasing the new PlayStation 3 Slim across Europe in early September, the company hoping that anyone will remember the PS3 still exists. The new light-weight version is two-thirds of the size and weight, only requiring a single, much smaller, extra room built onto ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/19/sony-unveils-less-huge-playstation-3/ WIKIALITY, The Tenderloin, Saturday (NNN) — The online encyclopedia, knowledge base, social networking site, essay repository, blog, search engine, news aggregator, dessert wax and floor topping Wikipedia has reached its three millionth article and ceased all editing. Palo Alto Research Center reported that only 1% of edits by random users were ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/18/wikipedia-reaches-3-million-articles-stalls-and-dies/ YOUR FRIENDS LIST, DeadJournal, Friday (NNN) — The dangers of stalkers destroying the lives of the extremely stupid on social networking sites,when you should just stay quiet and watch television, was highlighted again this week after a woman called Lindsay was sacked for posting "OMG I HATE MY JOB. My ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/17/facebook-sacking-highlights-hidden-dangers-of-stupidity/ THE INDIFFERENCE ENGINE, Steampunk Britain, Sunday (NNN) — Seven million Britons face having their internet connection cut off and fines of up to £50,000 as Digital Britain is implemented. Lord Carter, the report's author, has now left the Government for consultancies unknown. Lord Mandelson, who has taken over responsibility for digital ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/16/government-fights-back-internet-pirate-hordes/ WEB 1.99 RC 1, Cyberspice, Thursday (NNGadget) — Only 98% of Twitter updates are "pointless babble," says a new report that studied 2,000 tweets over a period of two weeks. The top category was "pointless babble" tweets, with nearly 98% of tweets being inanity no sane person could want to read, ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/15/shock-as-twitter-not-entirely-pointless-babble/ REEPERBAHN, Helmand, Friday (NNN) — Afghanistan has passed a law permitting Shia men to deny their wives food if they refuse to obey their husbands' sexual demands, to the embarrassed silence of the international community and its fighting forces. Activists say the law contradicts the Afghan constitution and international treaties the ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/14/west-fights-for-democracy-justice-and-marital-rape-in-afghanistan/ BOULEVARDE OF BROKEN DREAMS, Los Angeles, Wednesday (N! News) — Disney will film a new version of The Diary of Anne Frank, to be written, directed and co-produced by David Mamet. Mamet will use the famed diary to tell the story of the young Jewish girl who hid with her family ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/13/disney-to-film-diary-of-anne-frank/ RATCHED, Massachusetts, Tuesday (NNN) — President Barack Obama has asked Americans not to believe "rumors" that his health reform initiatives will lead to a government-run health care system, push Medicare recipients to die rather than run up their bill or lead to widespread euthanasia of the Republican "base." "Let me start ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/12/obama-fights-back-on-health-care-plan/ BRITAIN'S GOT CHRONIC AMBITION, Minus Talent, Tuesday (N! News) — Second-string actress, second-string pop singer, second-string X Factor judge and sister of someone famous for actual star quality Dannii Minogue claims she has stopped using Botox, the wrinkle-beating injection that paralyses and relaxes facial muscles. Her decision comes after public criticism ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/11/dannii-minogue-quits-botox-in-favour-of-240-volts/ WAKEFIELD, Sheffield, Sunday (NNN) — Britain is facing an infertility timebomb, according to Professor Bill Ledger of Sheffield University, who just happens to have a side business, Biofusion plc t/a Lifestyle Choices, selling fertility tests, in the Observer yesterday. "Couples are sticking their heads in the sand," he said. "Thirty-year-old women ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/10/women-urged-by-marketer-to-test-for-fertility/ AFGHANISTAN TRANSIT TRADE, Helmand, Friday (NNN) — The Taliban has issued a code of conduct for its operations in Afghanistan and Pakistan. The code notes that "suicide attacks are not 'right on' and the Prophet probably wouldn't have been that keen on them. Instead, be pleasant to people and make good ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/09/taliban-publicises-new-cute-fluffy-kittens-code-of-conduct/ BRIDGEVILLE, Pittsburgh, Tuesday (NNN) — In another example of appalling devil-worshipping Satanist carnage, a goth has shot up a gymnasium in Pittsburgh, killing three women and then himself. "It's obvious he was a goth," said Police Commissioner Donut, "from his ... ah ... white ... moustache. And he was wearing a ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/08/gym-gunman-obviously-another-killer-goth/ NO-ONE IS INNOCENT, Rio Di Janeiro, Friday (NNN) — The Great Train Robber, Ronnie Biggs, has been released from prison on parole and is now free to wreak havoc upon society once more. Biggs, who is 80 tomorrow, is bedbound and unable to speak after a series of strokes. Completely unrepentant ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/07/ronnie-biggs-set-loose-to-terrorise-nation/ WEB 1.99 BETA, Cyberspice, Thursday (NNGadget) — Twitter.com crashed on Thursday at about 3pm BST due to a "denial of twat" attack from thousands of virus-infected Windows PCs under the control of terrorist masterminds. It came up again at around 4:30pm, before promptly crashing again under the weight of users ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/06/twitter-crashes-for-ninety-minutes-nerds-traumatised/ CELEBRITY GOSSIP, Smile for the CAMRA, Sunday (NNN) — The number of women binge-drinking real ale has doubled in the past year to almost one in three, says the Campaign for Real Ale. Z-list celebrities are regularly photographed in the London Lite supping a "pint," little finger extended, a different one ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/05/more-women-binge-drinking-real-ale/ Guest post by Joe Kovacs of WorldNetDaily GROUND ZERO, The Rapture, any day now, you'll see (WND exclusive) — For centuries, Christians have wondered about the identity of a future leader who will do Satan's bidding to thwart the plans of Jesus Christ and introduce socialised medicine shortly before His prophesied ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/04/did-jesus-reveal-the-name-of-the-antichrist/ THE MEMORY HOLE, London EC1, Monday (NNN) — Barclays and HSBC have passionately defended the City's culture of bonuses barely a year after the government bailout of the financial system. "I am shocked, shocked — oh, my cheque? Thank you! — that such bonuses have had to be paid again," said ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/03/banks-utterly-surprised-to-be-paying-squillions-in-bonuses-again/ NEVER AGAIN, Well Hardly Ever, Sunday (NNN) — In a "Back To Basics" return to fundamental working class values, or a reasonable substitute, Labour has announced that CCTV will be used to keep the worst families in Britain in line, children's secretary Ed Balls announced to the Sunday Excess yesterday. "We ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/02/labour-to-put-cctv-in-worst-247-million-households/ MINILUV, Oswiecim, Friday (NNN) — The Ministry of Health has applauded the Law Lords' verdict in the assisted suicide case, suggesting it opens the way to fixing the NHS budget. "Where there's a living will, there's a way!" said health secretary Andy Burnham. "Of course, the death of a patient is ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/08/01/ministry-of-health-welcomes-suicide-ruling/ I DON'T FANCY YOURS MUCH, Down The Pub, Monday (NNN) — Women are gradually becoming more attractive in an evolutionary "beauty race," at least where Photoshop is available. Beautiful women get more attention to detail and fixing of flaws than their plainer counterparts, certainly better than the days of actual physical ... http://notnews.today.com/2009/07/30/women-getting-more-beautiful-say-photoshop-retouchers/